The Partial Anthology of A Random Person

Post Reply New Topic

I am an upcoming writer in the Autistic community who has been published on a small scale. I have been writing under the pseudonym of Robert Anderson, with my diagnosis unknown to everyone who is around me. (think Hannah Montana or Superman type deal).

I have used you passion (read: perseveration) for liturature to create a wide range of works which range from rhymed prose to social commentary on everything from teenaged angst to political issues.

I have decided, instead of spamming threads and having some of my works lost on this website, I will create a single thread for all my work. Criticism is welcome, I encourage it as a process to improve my style, however this thread is strictly showcase and I would rather have you splinter so that there wouldn't be any commentary on this thread.

My first submission to this sight was a humorous editorial focusing on several recent events, it was based around the christmas season, it was debunking Christmas myths. (kids you might wanna skip to the next post.)

===================================

There have been many common misconceptions over the years about the character of Santa Claus, I am writing this article to tie up some loose ends about the jolly old man in red.

Myth 1: Santa is at least 1700 years old. FICTION
Science has proven that it is impossible for a person, even a magical being to live well into their hundreds. So when Santa finally kicks the bucket, he is replaced by a member of the catholic collage of cardinals. To differentiate they place a roman numeral after the name, they are currently on St. Nicholas CCCXIV.

Myth 2: Santa knows everything about everyone. FICTION
Due to privacy restrictions, it would not be possible for Santa to have so much information. The Collage or Cardinals recently signed a deal with the United States Department of Homeland Security, giving them sweeping acess to online databases, including Facebook. This prevents naughty terrorists from getting presents. Also they set up a Santa hot-line with local police departments to find naughty behavior.

Myth 3: Santa hires elves. FICTION
As everyone knows, elves are too high as an expense as they charge too much money. On top of that they joined the union CUPE 3903. There is currently a huge elf strike in the north pole as they want a 14 percent increase in pay making them the highest paying elves in the world. If they want more money they should get a REAL job in toy making.

Myth 4: Santa makes all of his own toys. FICTION
This is just foolishness, Santa has no time to make all his own toys. He outsourced most of the work to China. Due to the scares in lead paint found in these toys, Santa had to purchase a lot this year, which accounts for the financial crisis due to his hefty bank loan. Also his legal department makes up a lot of the money. It's size rivals Disney's. Most of the toys currently out on the main stream market is Santa's intellectual properties.

Myth 5: Santa Visits every house on Christmas eve. FICTION
False, he may start his very long journey on Christmas eve, however by the time he is done, it is early morning Christmas day, also if one counts in Orthodox Christmas and Christmas eve, That is 4 days Santa has to deliver presents. Also, Santa is not alone, he has his friends, Pere Noel, Father Christmas, Sinter Klaus and the Three Wise men assisting him by taking certain time zones.

Myth 6: Santa uses a sleigh pulled with flying reindeer to travel. FICTION
Everyone knows that reindeer cannot fly on their own, and the magic corn gives the deer flatulence. Santa is in the process of trying other flying creatures, so far the front runners are: Flying Mice, Flying Unicorns and Flying Hippos.

I hope this has cleared up many misconceptions about Santa.

The Santa Claus article gave me a good laugh. Thanks for sharing.

Funny!

Must point out the obvious that many don't know (Lab Pet is an Alaskan) - factual trivia: Only pregnant female reindeer do not drop their antlers during winter months since they cannot afford to lose the blood which is to be diverted to their fetus. This means all of Santa's are FEMALE (& pregnant)!

And Rudolph? If 'his' (trans-gendered?) nose is red this just means he's not cooked through - for our subsistence hunters. Reindeer are basically domesticated caribou - venison. Caribou, of course, are indigenous to Alaska.

I live in the Interior of Alaska and adjacent to the town of North Pole where Santa Claus letters are sent & Santa Claus Land.....attracts the tourists. Otherwise, unbeknownst to 'outsiders' North Pole can be a bit trashy.....meth lab area of Interior. Santa doesn't want you to know this though.

Very clever ARandomPerson - thank you! Well done (especially since post-Valentine's Day)

My next work is a piece of rhymed prose, it is a little bit of activism and awareness of local and global issues. It was in response to a friend's series of short stories with a theme and a motif of vision. I hereby present, The Other Side of the Fence.

=================================================

On the other side of the fence
there is a boy so tender, he cries
broken nose, black eyes and no defense
can you open you eyes?

On the other side of the street
there is a teenage girl, lives in a lie
in a different boy's arm every week
may you open you eyes?

on the other side of the town
live a man, who's heart nearly dies
with liquor, he washes his depression down
are you opening you eyes?

On the otherside of the ocean
there is a child, hungry and tormented by flies
ribs sticing out and a face of sad emotion
will you open your eyes?

My next work is a piece of rhymed prose, it is a little bit of activism and awareness of local and global issues. It was in response to a friend's series of short stories with a theme and a motif of vision. I hereby present, The Other Side of the Fence.

=================================================

On the other side of the fence
there is a boy so tender, he cries
broken nose, black eyes and no defense
can you open you eyes?

On the other side of the street
there is a teenage girl, lives in a lie
in a different boy's arm every week
may you open you eyes?

on the other side of the town
live a man, who's heart nearly dies
with liquor, he washes his depression down
are you opening you eyes?

On the otherside of the ocean
there is a child, hungry and tormented by flies
ribs sticing out and a face of sad emotion
will you open your eyes?

from here on in i will be using my blog for these purposes I hope that this thread will gain enough interest.

You write beautifully - thank you.