Hello I'm Chad what seems to be bothering you today.
Well Chad, everytime I try to kill myself I call these hotlines and all you do is listen, you don't say a damn thing, and I can't tell if you people are really listening or not.
We're always here for you.
Good to hear Chad. See I've got some ideas.
Ideas? What sort of ideas?
Like tips, to improve the hotline.
This line is for those who are in distress.
Oh I'm going to kill myself don't you worry about that.
Okay, what are your ideas?
Well, I want you to sell me life, like its some product.
Okay...
You know Vince the ShamWow guy, or the Oxyclean guy?
Yeah.
Okay Chad I want you to pretend you are those pitch guys and I want you to do your best job at pitching me life.
You ready?
Yeah
Alright here we go, Chad here, you ever think about day to day drudgery, working at minimum wage? Don't do that, that's for chums. You'll get down in the dumps doing that. what you need is an education.
Teachers they'll fill you up with all sorts of interesting knowledge, the ladies love a smart guy and you'll always have something to do. You get good, who knows maybe you'll get to travel and make a difference in the world.
Tell me you ever skydive out of an airplane?
No.
No? You got to be out of your mind to want to end your life before that, go to the nearest skydiving outfit and schedule yourself a session you won't regret it. Chad seal of approval, just don't get suicidal on one of the sessions.
Go to an amusement park, there's the six flags or the Kings Dominon, go to one of those parks it'll make you feel again.
You ever picked up an instrument
A little.
Pick one up again, the world is full of songs never song before, you've got a beautiful voice I can tell.
So what you say you gonna live?
Thanks, you did great. *bang*
03 May 2014, 1:12 am
