My very short story

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It's not really that good, but I might as well post it somewhere....

Max pulled his sweatshirt's black hood over his forehead as rain-drops pelted his face. Shaking his messy, blonde hair out of his eyes and looking down at the puddle-dominated road below him, the grim-faced 14-year-old began taking bigger steps. Leaping over a few puddles, he finally reached the stone front steps of 108 Glanville Road. Taking cover under the little bit of roof, he knocked furiously on the old door. Rain continued to attack the back of his sweatshirt, which was now drenched.

The door was immediately thrown open, a face of excitement beaming, and, slowly, faded into dissapointment. "Oh....I thought you were Claire," the boy mumbled, not looking Max in the face.

"Right. Right." Max's face squirmed with anxiety, as if urging to lash out. But instead, Max stayed quiet, apparently at a loss for words.
"Well, see ya," the boy said nonchalently, raising a hand, as in waving.
"'See ya'?" Max said loudly. "We haven't talked in two f*****g months. And when we do, all you ever do is explain how much you'd rather be with-with-her." Max's hands had balled into fists, and he was panting a little. The other boy sighed and rolled his eyes.
"What the f**k does that mean?" Max shouted suddenly, making the other boy jump.
"I don't understand? Is that it? Because you're in loooooove with her. Is that right, Ryan? You're in looooooooove -"
"Dammit dude, I don't have time for this right now," Ryan interrupted, looking out into the deserted road. "Claire's gonna be here any min -"

"f**k HER! f**k f**k f**k f**k HER!" Max roared. "You don't have time for me?! ME?! I thought I was your best friend for life! You said that! You said -"
"You don't understand Max," Ryan said quietly.
"Oh, I understand! She's the only one you care about! She's the only one you want to spend time with! We haven't had a decent conversation in two months and you're bitching about missing your hundredth date this week -"
"I'm in love with her Max...."
"You think that's a f*****g excuse? Do you really? You're in loooooooove with the stupid little slut -"
"Hey, don't call her th -"
"Oh, shut the f**k up, you jackass! What kinda s**t do you say about me behind my back?"

"We don't talk about you. Calm the f**k down," Ryan said, sounding calm himself.
"You don't? Talk about me? You don't talk about you're best friend? Didn't you use to talk to everyone about me?! What the f**k do you talk about?!" For a moment, the only sound was Max's angry breathing.

"She's here," Ryan said, nodding towards a car driving up the road.
"You don't care about this conversation....about me...."
"I don't have time -"
"You JACKASS! She's turned you into a jackass, you know that Ryan! I loved you, man! I LOVED you. I know love, and I LOVED. YOU." Max suddenly went quiet, and reached into his sweatshirt, his shaking hand returning with a handgun.

"Woah! Max, man, you -"
"SHUT UP!"
Ryan didn't dare disregard his instructions.
"You were the only thing in this world worth living for....I hope you have fun with her. I still love you, I will always love you." And without warning, Max shoved the gun to his head, and pulled the trigger. The bang drowned out even Ryan's half-sob, half-scream.

Once again, good descriptions and very good selection of details to describe, the way real life is, where you notice certain things.

Dialog is the way people actually talk.

Also there's something subtle I can't quite identify, something about the rhythm of the sentences, but it's good.

But c'mon, if you're gonna kill off a character for emotional dramatic impact, which is perfectly okay in fiction, you gotta first let the reader know the character well enough to be moved by their death.

Course I usually figure if a writer kills a character, it's because they couldn't think of anything else to do with them.

I like the concept of the story, but it's a little too sudden. This type of theme needs a lot more build-up and background to really draw the reader into the story - I find it tends to have more of an alienating effect.

I think the swearing is a little to explicit and over the top, in a short story often implicit and subtle dialogue can actually have a much more powerful effect.

That being said, it's a good plot idea, and definitely interesting.

My thing is poetry but this story looks pretty good to me. I see it's short and sudden in it's action but that's the point. The action has to be short and frightening and unexpected to gain force and it does all of that very well.