The pain of an Aspie-NT relationship

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Until about a month ago I had an NT girlfriend. I am not diagnosed with Asperger's but I tick a lot of the boxes, so to speak. My girlfriend was aware that I was a little atypical when it came to interaction and we even discussed the possibility that I had Asperger's. Some of my actions she described as Aspergic, or I have since come to see as Aspergic myself.

For example in group conversations back at the beginning of our relationship I would not take part (or when I did I appeared strange) because the topic changed so quickly and her friends were always touching each other while they talked and doing other paralinguistic things. I just felt out of my depth. At first she was a bit annoyed because she thought I was being rude, but I explained to her how I felt, and that I didn't intend to be rude. She accepted the fact that I wasn't great at interacting with large groups of people. I described to her some events from my past, like when I became hyperactive and started thrashing about while I was reading a book on tornadoes when I was younger, and my dad grabbed me and demanded to know what the hell I was doing (we were sitting in a restaurant so I understand how strange it must have looked). She said that that was a typically Aspergic thing to do, but we laughed about it and how silly it was.

An example of something which she never described as Aspergic but constantly criticised me for was a peculiar gait which I have, which she described as my 'gorilla walk.' I can't describe it myself, only that I sometimes do it when I'm not concentrating on how I should be walking so as to appear normal, and maybe it has a slightly 'bouncing' appearance. When I'm doing my gorilla walk I do actually feel normal, but she didn't like me doing it when we were out together because it embarrassed her. To be honest I don't think it's a particularly weird gait myself - it gets me to where I'm going quicker (I have very long legs and I may as well use that stride length).

Often I would feel hurt and take offence to things which she said in jest, as I still take potential insults very literally in conversation. For example she would laugh and call me a loser for something I had done, but whenever I took offence she said she was just joking and that I shouldn't take things so literally. She does this kind of thing with her friends but they don't appear to mind; they seem to know when something is a joke and when it isn't. Anyway, this was another source of antagonism between us, and I wish she'd tried to be a bit more understanding about it.

One more problem which I could think of, and I don't know if it's peculiar to Aspies or not, was the one which caused her to break up with me after exactly two years and two months of being together. I had a tendency to forget things relating to stuff she'd told me, and what I thought she'd said was sometimes different from what she'd actually said. Her grandmother, to whom she was very close, died and her funeral was a week before the breakup. I thought my ex had said she would ring me at five to let me know when she wanted me to come and visit her after the funeral. In fact what she had actually said was that she wanted me to be there at 5. I ended up being an hour and a half late, but this wasn't what actually caused her to call it off. I had trouble understanding how she was feeling (I think this is a problem common to all men, to be honest); when I drove her down from London to the funeral she seemed to be completely herself, and there was no indication that she was upset at all. I thought she must be dealing very well with her grandmother's death and because I was very busy over the next week I didn't contact her for that whole time. I rang her to ask her about a dinner I wanted to invite her to on the 1st November, and she seemed fine then. The next day I received an email in which she broke off our relationship because she thought I had behaved completely unacceptably regarding her grandmother's death and hadn't taken her emotions into account at all. I was stunned.

Obviously there are two sides to every story, but do you think she was right to break up with me over this? Was I in an abusive relationship? I can't tell.

Just sounds like the problems most typical guys have with girls. This stuff happens...

The only sad part, is that she seemed accepting of so many of your problems and willing to work with you. She might have been saying this, but internally expecting you to get your act together...

I can be there and listen and provide support when needed, but all this knowing when she's sad when she isn't showing any signs... and provide proper support when she doesn't look like she needs it... that's just 'typical' girl stuff has far as I can tell. Nothing you can really do, if it breaks from it... and you really tried your best... don't get worked up... it's really her fault then.

Honestly it sounds like she is kind of petty, or at least not willing to work with you... never sounds like it's a great relationship. But it might not have been all bad...

I hear my NT friends talk about this stuff all the time... it's not all AS related...

Yeah, I did think some of it was just typical man/woman problems. Women tend to think that their emotions are obvious and that their men should know exactly how they're feeling.

You may well be right about all that stuff. Well, I'm still in the process of repairing things with her so hopefully this doesn't have to be the end for ever.

Yeah, with time it can be healed. Especially with a death in the family, it's got to be really hard... her emotions on all fronts have to be all over the place. There are things people are supposed to do to be there for someone else... even if they don't outwardly show any need. Did you express a desire to be there for her and show support when she broke off the relationship? If you implied it was her fault at all... it might be trouble.

Inside Edit:Er I guess I contradicted myself... but not exactly it's her fault if she breaks off the relationship even when you want to help. It's not her fault for not showing you all of her emotions during the difficult time... it just heaps pain on top of pain...

I mean in a way, she should be more honest with her feelings to you. But in this situation, you can't really hold anything she does against her... well not anything... but I think you know what I mean.

Women take Death really hard, especially when it's someone close. I don't even think it matters what they show on the outside, Women are experts at conveying a different emotion than what's on the inside.

Try to think how you would feel, and if you were more emotional what kind of support you would want in the situation and give that. It may not be much, but it's something and can show you are trying.

Death is stressful, people don't always act how they want to act under stress.

It's surprising that she didn't break it off for being late... and she was 'okay' with that. She seems like a pretty good girlfriend if she's that understanding.

To me it doesn't sound like it's something that can't be fixed with some thoughtful and emphatic words. Women are very forgiving, if she's really attached to you it'll work itself out. If this is something that's been building for a while and she now has a way out... well it's probably over.

Aspies often have trouble with time so it's best to write things down. We often have trouble processing what we've been told whereas if it's written down, we remember better. It would be a good idea to tell the girlfriend that it was difficult to mind-read, that it's necessary to have some cues to tell how upset she was eg. crying. If it's any consolation, I'm high-functioning but have much trouble telling what people want me to do unless they're quite upfront about it.

It's worth remembering that 'repairing things with her' isn't just about you trying to change yourself for her. You have emotions too, hurt by the sounds of it. In no way should it involve you becoming compliant to her, you have a right to be considered too.

I agree that what you've described is fairly typical of male/female relationships, but I also think you could explore the possibilty of having AS further. I guess my concern is that many AS people are so desparate to be in 'any' relationship, they can get involved in a bad one that a typical NT would quickly move on from.

Yes, that is a concern. It's got to be a two way thing. If the girlfriend can be told that we often find it difficult to express empathy, it might help. We need more cues to alert us to the fact that the other person is upset. We unfortunately can't mind read. No doubt this is what lead to the misunderstanding mentioned above.

Well, in my case, the wife decides to blame all of our communication issues on my AS, claiming she doesn't need help. Note to self, next time around, fine somebody whose more patient and can adapt to this. Hell maybe another aspie might be the key... who knows?

I am late to this conversation but here goes:

If you have AS you will probably have trouble knowing what her emotional needs are.
You would both have to learn about AS and how to communicate around it AND around cultural expectations.

In every culture there are templates for how people are supposed to support others and participate in rituals around a close death. If you don't know what they are then it''s difficult to do the right thing.

I think if you have AS and you're involved with an NT, it's best to explain that you don't know what's expected in many social/cultural situations.
Similarly, as an NT involved with an Aspie, she would have to exress her needs explicitly before she gets upset about you not fulfilling them.

That's my two cents.

Maybe you can use this on the next girl?

Good luck.

Isn't it lovely to bump old topics when the OP hasn't logged in here in two years?

I think I'll stick with AS-AS relationships.

I would have missed this thread if Eck hadn't resurrected it. I'm glad it was bumped up - it's a nice change from so many of the other messages in this forum, which seem negative and self-defeating in tone.

It's a shame the original poster hasn't been around in a while: his assessment of his situation seems to be fair and reasonable, and I think his absence must surely be a loss.

She sounds like an irritable and entitled person who expects too much from you. You might be disturbed by this experience. There was this one person who wanted to be my friend one day, and was super welcoming, and then completely turned around after I sent poorly written emails. This shocked me - how can someone like me one day, and hate me the next? sure must something I did and it'd be nice to fix it. But... no. Don't fix it. Forget it and find someone new. It's not just you, it's also her. Maybe there is not much reason for you to like her?