struggling with complicated girlfriend situation

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My girlfriend of two years broke up with me about three weeks ago because she said that we were too close and that she needed more space. She said that she doesn't want to share every thought indiscriminately like we have been doing for two years. She went to some bars and hooked up with some people since we've been broken up so now I'm jealous. I've realized that I can't offer her the same kind of love and interaction that she can get from NTs because it's hard for me to form relationships with people without being "honest" or "raw." I'm really in love with her, and I don't feel like I have any choice but to try to make the relationship work. She said that she wanted to start our relationship over on new years at a party in SF, that I can offer her things that NTs can't, and that I'm still the love of her life. Should I train until new years? Should I not invest myself too deeply in a relationship? I know that I would be more pleasant if I were better at filtering the things that I express. I guess I'll work on establishing myself in activities that I can rely on like exercise. Advice?

I'm struggling with girlfriend problems, I haven't got one!

I'll confess that my initial emotional reaction to your post was something along the lines of "No Jeremiah! Don't do it!" After thinking about it for a while I've concluded that the reason I'm concerned is because it sounds like she's making all the decisions and you're just so smitten you're vulnerable to doing and accepting whatever she says, even at your own expense. You're being pretty general and vague so I could be quite mistaken in my impression, but I'm just not keeping a good "vibe" about this at all. Does she really look out for you and build you up or do you feel more like you're being played with?

Don't be too hasty to get back into the relationship. Remember your gilfriend left u to play around a bit, and if you just take her back real easy like that, she won't respect u & just see u as her stand-by guy who will still cling no matter how bad she treats u.

If u wanna get back together, tell when & how'd you'd like to do it. If u wanna be back together now, then say so, or if you'd like to wait til new years, then have a little fun yourself like she is until then. The key here is that YOU need to start calling the shots here.

To be honest it seems like she wanted some time off to see what she might be missing but she wants to keep you on the back burner in case nothing else develops. I know thats kind of harsh, but with only the information you gave thats my gut reaction.

Danger Will Robinson, Danger!

It doesnt seem like she is concerned about your feelings at all, and I too would be worried about how much respect she will have for you if you just blindly allow her to treat you this way.

You have to stand up for yourself and your needs too, and they obviously arent being met while she is running around with other guys.

And you have to question why she wants to wait a month before starting your relationship up again. What is she planning on doing in the meanwhile? You don't want a legalist for a girlfriend. "Well, technically we weren't seeing each other at that point, so..."

As far as I can see, the only way in which this situation would be okay is if she made a mistake, had an epiphany, and was really, truly sorry. That doesn't sound like that's what's going on here.

This deserves a definite quote for emphasis.

If you were truely the love of her life as she said, she would have come running back to you the moment she realized she made a mistake. Since she hasn't come running back and wants to wait, especially being its that holiday/sentimental time of year right now, you are NOT the love of her life. She wants to keep you on the back burner while she goes fishing for a better catch, at least, better in her eyes.

I don't see any other way to interpret her comments and reactions.

I can't imagine being in love let alone having to walk away from it, so you're really in a tough one here. All that matters is that you make each other happy. If you trust that she means it, maybe you can overlook the rest. I would ask what exactly it is that you offer her that others can't, see if she seems thoughtful and sincere about it. Ask her what she wants to go differently in the future and decide if you are willing, and that it is reasonable. Don't let her make ALL the rules. That's no way to live.

Wow, thats just So f*****g typical of girls to say that they "need more space"....... Ive heard That story before.
Just so you know jeremiah Im not dismissing what you said Im dismissing her. Is your ex-gf bipolar by any chance? I broke up twice this year with a bipolar woman I met online about a year ago and the 1st time we split she said the EXACT Same Thing! That I was too "clingy" and she needed her "space". To be honest, this girl sounds like a VERY MANIPULATIVE person. My advice is that you start to detatch yourself emotionally from her-before you decide what to do so that she doesnt have the powe to play with your feelings.

I totally agree. If you really were the love of her life, she wouldn't go running around with other men, it's that simple, no ifs or buts, and maybe you just tell her that. It sounds like you're doing all the loving in this relationship and she's being dishonest and taking advantage of you. As painful as it may sound: don't take her back. Or, you could have told her to choose: she either stayed and you both tried to work on your issues, or she leaves for good. If you take her back, you still won't be the love of her life and she will lose all respect for you.
It's one thing if she felt she just needed some time off, quite another if she wants time off to cheat.

She is borderline/bipolar and she stopped taking medication just before the break up. She said that her experiences are valid even if they're different from what's socially normal and medication is oppressive. I'm a bit concerned about her wellbeing at this point. Another thing she said was that she would give up smoking cigarettes when we started our relationship again. I have aspie issues to deal with and she has borderline issues to deal with. It's pretty scary how her mind changed so quickly... I really hope that she will be able to deal with her wild emotions without messing up her life.

This and your reply later on in the thread make it sound like this girl is very very confused, and doesn't really know what she wants. To me, telling a long term boyfriend you need space and randomly pulling guys you meet in bars says Upset/Sad/Confused. (Thats what it means when I do those things anyway). In a way what she has said to you is an excuse, but in another way it really does sound as though she's not in much of a fit state to be in a relationship and needs time to calm down.

I would say, if this is going to be just a break then make it a proper break. Don't call her, don't email her, DEFINATELY don't try to see her as a friend, (at least not right now), don't look through her myspace comments to try and work out who else she might be seeing.

If its going to work out then she will calm down a little and come back to you.

Do remember its about what she can offer you as well as what you can offer her. Oh and she probably doesn't enjoy the random guys in bars, that stuff is horrible, you only do it when you're miserable and your self esteem is lacking.

She broke up with you saying she needed space and them went and got off with a bunch of strangers, sayingshe wanted to start over later on?

BS.

How would she feel if you said 'yeah, I'm going to dump you for a month, go and screw around with people I've never met, and then we'll meet back here after Christmas, okay? Meeting adjourned.'

What a load of s**t.

Honestly, I think that you're being led around by the dick and the heart and it is not on, not on at all.

I know that you love this woman, but she sounds manipulative and mean-spirited, and like she doesn't understand your condition. It's taken her TWO YEARS to come to this conclusion? Two years?

I think you'd be better off without her. Or at the very least, call some of the shots yourself instead of letting her walk all over you, and your heart.

sarahstilettos, that was such a beautiful and compassionate response. I just wanted to say thank you for showing your outlook on the matter. I learned from it, too.

I would back away for awhile...I think she needs time to get her head on straight. You seem very concerned and seem to care about her quite a bit, but really there isn't much you can do to help and you might get trampled in the process if she isn't receptive to it.

Is she drinking more since she stopped the medication? Sometimes someone who is borderline/bipolar will drink more in an attempt to "self-medicate" although they're not going to usually admit to it. My great aunt did just that (bipolar), the results where not pretty at the time, but now she's doing great.

thankyou! I drew on my extensive experience of acting like a complete s**t to other people because i was feeling depressed. good to know its come in useful! Seriously though, I broke up with a boyfriend telling him I needed space, and then ran off and slept with no less than three different people within the space of two weeks. If anyone asked me what was the most miserable two weeks of my entire life I would have no hesitation in saying it was then. I guess I had something I needed to get out of my system... I got it out of my system... I stopped with the drugs and slowed down the drinking... I calmed down. (I didn't go back to the boyfriend but that was the right decision in my case, it was not a healthy relationship).

Clearly there are less childish ways of handling yourself and your emotions... so its up to the original poster if he can forgive her for dealing with things in a childish and direspectful way or not.