Betraying an aspie...

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I try to leave an open door for people to help me believe in them again, but its not easy,
once they have shown me that they are capable of doing me wrong then the level of trust goes down and down until its gone unless the other person does something or shows me that I am worth their keeping their word.

when I make promises, its generally meant to be kept, but my heart may not always be in it, so it may sometimes become iffy.

but when I give my WORD, its for life, I never make or think about excuses to brake it, there is no exception to this rule, my word is my bond and forever. its rare that I give my word, but once its given, you know I will keep it even if you brake your own word to me.

Same here...

The word PROMISE has a special meaning to me.

My wife knows it now and attempts to get me to PROMISE certain things. Often I'll say "I'll see what I can do". I won't promise anything unless I believe I can actually keep it.

If I don't manage to keep a promise, it goes onto my self-torture list for eternity.

I don't really understand how most people think. So putting my trust in one of them means I'm taking a big risk in the hope I've not made a mistake. So trusting someone like this carries huge significance for me. NT's, on the other hand, are not putting themselves out on a limb to the same extent, and are much less exposed. Which is why, if that trust is broken, I feel like I've been played for a fool and stabbed in the back, while an NT might be inclined to forgive in time, as they weren't hurt as much in the first place. But I can't imagine any circumstance where I could possibly forgive, and certainly not forget, such a betrayal.

I know I keep a grudge . I get really upset if someone makes a promise to me and doesn't keep it, When I was once dating someone all I asked when they said what do you want is that if they ever decided to leave me they explaine why, and they just disappeared out of my life and started not answering emails or phone. I felt extremely betrayed after all I had only asked one thing, and he promised. All I wanted was to know why, I still dwell on what could I have done wrong that time and I still, look at anything I can find online about that person hoping some day they will say something about what happened.

Most people I give three chances although if it is something they do that is particularly bad they are out of my life.

I rarely promise anything because if I say that it is something i will try and do anything to keep> I have had problems because i tend to do exactly what I promise

I'm like that with lots of things - restaurants for example.

If the food is bad, they lose a point.

If we have some major service difficulty, they lose a point.

If the offences are minor, they go on probation for a year (we don't visit for a year) but if it's all really bad, they get banned.

Usually they won't lose all three points in the same night, but it has happened on occasion.

Like most other people, I have been betrayed or secretly loathed. The worst thing is to overhear what someone else says about you when it is absolutely horrible or downright baseless. I've also been fairly publicly ignored before too.

This can make someone want to turn their back on the so-called friends or keep a low profile in general.

I have done that in the past to some extent. I haven't become a hermit, but I have restricted my social interaction sometimes. The social interaction can be stressful and the result, for example, rejection, may not be worth it.

However, positive social interaction does make one feel good and becoming social is a part of personal growth, I believe. So you have to be social, even as the cost may be great in the end.

At my current job, I am trying to be more social. I view it as an experiment to see how much I can improve my social skills. It is much less stressful than my previous job. However, just tonight I remembered that this was how I viewed my previous job. To reconcile the relative un success of my previous job in giving me improved social skills (perhaps diminished social skills and withdrawal, in fact, as a result of several bothersome incidents and one of my female bosses who used very strange humor) and its status as also being an experiment to see whether I could improve my social skills, I have resigned myself to think about it this way: social skills are always improving. At times they may improve none. At other times they may improve a great deal. But in the end they will only ever have improved if you tried to improve them at some time or another. Maybe I will go through five more jobs before I feel like I have really started catching on to the finesses of social interaction, maybe that will be in 20 years, but if I learn one thing about social interaction it would be because I tried.

Even as that is the case, some jobs are very dependent on social interaction and without social interaction it could actually be impossible to perform them. That's one reason, besides love of the subject, that I am studying something in school to prepare me for a career where it isn't necesary.

I think its different for everyone. For me the circumstances of that betrayal are the biggest determinants of how I handle it. My sense of empathy has grown in leaps and bounds in the last 5 or 6 years so when I see a situation where someone was more inwardly possessed, compelled, or sincerely made a bad judgment call I'll take note of that and won't put them on blast; then again its what the actions say about the long term that have anything to do with whether I forgive them, cut my losses and cut them out of my life, or just take shots at them for a minute till I get it out of my system.

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Last edited by Rain_Bird on 19 Jan 2008, 7:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Last edited by JerryHatake on 19 Jan 2008, 7:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Depends on the aspie, how intense the betrayal is, and how good friends you are before the betrayal. I'm willing to forgive a lot.

Not just in relation to romance; I'm still trying to understand why people lie, steal, cheat; take advantage of others, control others, and any other of the assortment of things that hurt those they supposedly care for (it's just as confusing when it's people they don't care for either and there's no justifiable reason for harming them).

I just don't understand.

Same here...

ive never cheated, but hell, I lie all the time, its to the point im not even aware of it, a lie will fluenty roll off the tip of my tongue.

Im an Angry Aspie

A few suspected Aspies (I'm 99.8% sure they are) I know in real life are prolific lairs, and they lie about the stupidest things. One told a a story the other day that was a complete lie. I know because I had a conversation with the person involved in the real story right after it happened. The kicker is that I talked to the liar guy about it after it happened so he should have known that I knew he was lying. And there was no reason to lie; it just boggled my mind as to why he did it.

I think I read somewhere that some Aspies make up stories as a kind of fantasy world type thing. I'll admit, I used to lie all over the place to get out of trouble with my dad or my ex-husband. I'd do anything and say anything to escape the emotional abuse being constantly thrown at me. I finally realized it was more trouble than it was worth though. Being truthful is so much easier and it makes me feel so much more in control of my life.

I understand the purpose of white lies, although I always feel better about delivering a softened version of honestly, but in general, I find it difficult at best to place much trust in known liars.

If I can readily see that the other person was either irrational or made a mistake I can bring myself to to see the situation as null. OTOH, I do have an incredibly hard time with the betrayal of trust, and find it quite hard to 'Forgive and Forget' as the saying goes. --I can forgive with time and concentrated effort, however I cannot forget, and this methodology transcends romantic relationships.