I think my boyfriend is on the spectrum

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I am pretty sure my BF (we met over the internet, he’s almost 40) has undiagnosed Asperger’s or is otherwise on the spectrum. I have read everything I can get my hands on about ASDs., but wanted to get a second (third, fourth, and fifth…) opinion – at least as far as knowing if I’m way off base here. From everything I’ve read, it seems that the best chance for an NT/AS relationship is when both partners are in agreement that AS exists in the relationship. But I’m hesitant to pursue this further with him without being more certain myself. I was hoping some of you could help me out…

Here is what I’ve observed:

1. Lack of eye contact – when we first met, there was NO eye contact. After a day or so, he would occasionally glance at me. Now, after a few months and a couple more visits, his eye contact is a lot better -- sometimes. Sometimes not. With his friends and family, he usually still makes little eye contact. With strangers, sometimes none at all.

2. Physically awkward, clumsy.

3. Unless he is really “warmed up,” his face is often a blank. I can’t tell at all what he’s thinking.

4. When we first met, I couldn’t tell if he was listening to me or not because I wasn’t getting the expected responses, non-verbal, mmhmms, etc. But when I brought this up, he clearly had been listening, and repeated back everything I’d said! Now, he seems to respond more naturally and it’s easier to have a more back and forth conversation.

5. When we e-mail, he rarely comments on anything I’ve written. I figured out fairly early on, that if I wanted him to respond to something, I needed to phrase it as a question, then he would respond. If I bring up something in the emotional realm over e-mail, I usually get no response. If I specifically ask for a response, he will give one – usually, it will be in the form of encouragement, never probing into the situation, or offering insight.

6. I don’t always get the expected social responses. For example, my mom came down with cancer. I told my BF about it (over e-mail). Almost no response. When I sent a message to the effect of “hey, did you get my message, this is a big deal to me etc.,” then he apologized, and responded by asking how my mom was and telling me about his sister, who also had cancer. It’s almost like he needs to be prompted to give the “right” response.

7. He takes things literally. Has trouble at work realizing statements like “if you hit me with that pallet I’m going to kill you” are just a figure of speech. Once was puzzling over the expression “you can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

8. History of learning problems. When younger, knew words but had problems using them fluently.

9. Great rote memory. Great memory for details. Has trouble seeing the big picture. Has misinterpreted relationship type situations in movies.

10. Face to face conversations less articulate than written conversations. This really varies – sometimes he seems to really “warm up” and then conversations are pretty fluent.

11. Telephone calls – the first few minutes, his responses are always “yes,” “no” – one syllable answers. Seems to need to “warm up.”

12. He seems to have a hard time “getting it” when I’m talking about something involving emotions/relationship issues. Sometimes when he responds, it's like he’s shooting a quiver of arrows, and some of them are brushing the target, but none of them quite hit it.

13. Extremely introverted around new people. To the point of not saying anything, or making one or two comments during an evening. Seems to have a hard time figuring out how to enter/maintain conversation with people he doesn’t know well. One friend commented, “It’s like he wants to interact, but he doesn’t quite know how to do it.”

14. Was really bullied at school. Also at work.

15. Has a hard time making friends, but does seem to keep the ones he makes. Best friend is from elementary school. No real serious romantic relationships (before now ).

16. History of having a hard time switching gears, being interrupted, although I haven’t seen this.

Things that don’t seem to fit the AS profile (he was raised as the youngest in a family of 8 children, so that may have something to do with these traits) –

Enjoys meeting new people and being social (but never says much, if anything while we’re with them.)

Doesn’t seem to have any special interests. Is very interested in music. Buys a lot of CDs, listens to music a lot, but doesn’t seem to talk about it more than anyone else would.

Doesn’t have any repetitive behaviors (that I know of).

Not rigid. Is extremely easy going. Extremely reasonable.

Only scored in the low “Possibly” range on the Aspie Quiz. I think his Aspie score was like 85.

Sorry for such a long post! If this isn’t enough to go on, I could probably give you more…or e-mail me privately and I can go into more detail. I really, really care for this guy and I really want our relationship to work. It seems like understanding our potential differences/difficulties is a first step.

Thank you so much for any thoughts you can offer!!

Yeah, he pretty much fits the profile of an aspie (because of the whole "spectrum" thing, one doesn't need ALL the traits to actually be an aspie). The fact that he's 40 means that he's been alive for much longer than the diagnosis existed (and it's only been in very recent years that adults have started to be diagnosed; it used to only be diagnosed before age 10).

Some suggestions:
1) Make sure that he is comfortable with everything you're doing together. Aspies outside their comfort zone can put on quite a display. This can include things like the cliche "toilet seat up/down" argument. Discuss things with him openly, as he is unlikely to interpret any non-verbal cues you may have. Don't surprise him with anything either, such as the whole "We're going out to dinner in 5 minutes" thing.

2) Appreciate him for who he is. Many aspies are bullied their entire lives because of their "quirks" and what not. Let him know that you love him, and not just like someone that is non-standard. Say these things out loud to him (although in private).

3) While I hope that your relationship will last, there are some things you need to know about ending a relationship with an aspie. If, for any reason, you feel that the relationship is over, you have to declare it directly to him. He may feel a little hurt at the time, but much less so than if you just left him without saying anything or cheating on him. Aspies often take cheating as a much more serious and hurtfal act of betrayal than most (especially since he is inexperienced with romance, as you say), and that could drive him to self-hurtful acts and even suicide.

I'd say he has an ASD.

You are among friends here. I have found that Wrong Planet is a wealth of information on how to help people with aspergers feel more comfortable. There's other sites that are not quite as helpful. People with aspergers have the same needs as the rest of us. Just because it takes them a little longer to show an emotion is no sign they are not feeling it.

He sounds a LOT like me.

I'm just summing this up: Almost 40 with no serious relationship before you; a number of verbal/non-verbal social/emotional reciprocity oddities; bullied; few friends (likes the ones he has); more of a facts person; learning difficulties when younger; physically "awkward".

It's definitely possible; the fact that you have noticed all of this and have gone out of your way to perhaps see why he's such a "strange" (this is in no way a slight to him) man in certain areas compared to other people you've known is telling that there's something there.

As another member said, AS is more of an interesting fact when it's known [in certain situations], i.e., it can explain a number of peculiarities that he exhibits, but in the end, we're all individuals with our own personalities.

Um yes I think he might qualify. Please collect your free tie pin.


..oh you don't wear ties? Never mind.


Well if he is a laid back and easy going as you said and you like him, then go for it. He sounds fairly context with himself as he is.

Thank you for all the advice, suggestions and support. Okay, now I know I'm not going crazy (at least in one respect...)

All the encouragement is wonderful. I really, really like this guy and we get along really, really well. Even in the very beginning, when I had no clue why he was so different, it was really comfortable being together. The list of things I love, enjoy, like, appreciate, and admire about him is several times longer than the list of reasons why I think he's on the spectrum. beentheredonethat -- you are right that I am really serious about him. Or I guess I should say, we are really serious about each other. And he is moving almost a thousand miles, away from his family and his friends, to come live with me. I know this is a really, really big deal for him, as it would be for anyone, but maybe even more so.

I really, really want this work and am open to any and all advice any of you might have!

My next question is (I'll put this as a separate post too) -- how important in an AS/NT relationship is it for him to know/realize/accept that he is on the spectrum? Is it enough for both partners to realize that there are differences and be willing to work on them? Or does he really need to have an understanding of what the AS/NT differences are?? I don't really feel comfortable "pushing" for a "diagnosis," but from what I've read, the most successful AS/NT relationships are where both parties have an understanding and awareness of AS and the differences/difficultiest that could arise.

Thank you again!!