Please Help - Married, Heartbroken and so very unsure

Post Reply New Topic

I really need some help outside of myself, I've lost all idea for what to do now, and I don't know where to go from here.

I'll try and give you a little backstory as summarised as possible:
Met my wife a year and a half ago, proposed after 2 months, married after 6, will have been married a year next month (April). My wife is 30 and i'm 25.

When I met my wife I was in a long term relationship with another girl I had been with for 4 years. The night me and my wife kissed, I stayed with her in a hotel (we didn't have sex), and I left my girlfriend the next day and moved back to my parents straight away. (despite me cheating for that one night, I don't want to be a cheater and had to leave).

I lied to my wife about the ex-girlfriend, saying that it had broken up months before we met, however were living together out of convenience.

After about 3 months of being together we were fighting pretty bad, which would happen almost monthly when my wife hit that time of the month. I thought it was all over so I came clean and told her that I was still with my ex when we had that first night, however I left the next day and hadn't been with anyone else since. My wife said she knew, that she had always known, but she loved me and didn't care.

We continued to fight almost periodically per month, and almost every time we did, it would be about something I had done, hadn't done, or done without noticing, and I would never see her point of view and would make things worse, and every argument would usually end in her threatening to walk out, or walking out and me convincing her to come back, me saying sorry, or trying to work out what had happened, and upon realising, saying sorry even if it didn't make sense to me. This was heartbreaking for me, because every month it felt like my world would be falling apart over something stupid like taking the car at the wrong time of the day. I loved her more than anyone I had ever met, and each time, no matter what I did, it seemed as though it was all over, but I would try and make it work.

After we fought we usually made up and things went back to normal until something happened again and it would be on. But for the most part, things were pretty good. When we were good we were amazing, when we were bad we were heartbreakingly bad.

We got married, and it was the happiest day of my life, even remembering now, it was amazing. However within 2 weeks of being married we were fighting over something I did, which I can't remember, nothing too bad, I might have taken the car for band rehearsal and not let her know what time I would be home, and was probably late getting home (too late to go to the shops, for example, not too late as in midnight). And she wanted an annullment, I said I couldn't because I love her and i married her, I couldn't. I believed in the vows of marriage.
She then went to the kitchen took out a knife and threatened to kill herself if i didn't give her an anullment. I broke in two, I was a balling mess on the floor. Trying to convince her to stop, but knowing she wanted an anullment but knowing I believed in the vows and couldn't giver her what she wanted. We ended up making up, and she said she wasn't going to do it, but she wanted to test me, or she wanted to hurt me for me hurting her.

We would fight every month almost, if we were lucky it would be 2 months without a fight, but when we fought, I couldn't take it. I would cry, and plead, and not know what to do. I would look through anything that I might have lied about (such as whether I applied for a promotion or not) and would admit to that hoping to make things better. At one point the frustration over nothing making sense, and me not being able to communicate what I meant lead to me bursting all of the blood vessells in my head, making it look like I had a rash. But then again, I would say sorry, and make up for what I did wrong (which as always there was SOMETHING I did wrong, which I would try and rationalise and see it from her point of view, but I couldn't).

After a few months of marriage, I started noticing that we were fighting about the same things I was doing, and I would react the same way each time but couldn't help it. After every fight I would try and change part of myself, do something different, make things better so we didn't have to fight anymore. But it would never work. I would be off in my own world and screw up without even knowing it.

One night, we had fought because of the car again (which usually is a fight about me being selfish) and she told me to leave and go to my parents, she didn't want me there, so I left, but went for a walk instead. We texted back and forth because I still had no idea what I had done wrong and I just couldn't grasp it. After fighting and pleading with her to understand I didn't mean it, It would get nowhere. She would say its always about me, (because I was always trying to understand what went wrong and defend myself at the same time) and that I only cry to get her sympathy and manipulate the situation, that its all a show just to get what I want. This time I ended up on a football oval on my back lying, looking at the sky, crying uncontrollably, and it felt like my brain had broken. 50 billion thoughts were racing through my head, i couldn't stop crying and the only thing I could focus on was the clouds. I couldn't bring myself to get up, move, call her or anything. She called me and all that came out was crying mumbo jumbo and me saying help I don't know whats happening and I can't move. She said it was a show, and to just come home.

Eventually it faded (as do all emotional things for me), and I went home and again we sorted it out and made up. But this time I said to myself that there must be something different about me. I've always known it, but never thought it was something wrong so forgot about it. But this time, I realised that the things I was doing to make things better weren't helping, I still couldn't understand where she was coming from, and even though I'm not selfish I couldn't understand anything about it except myself. I went to my GP without telling her as she had previously said I'm a hypocondriac (with how I react to things), and I wanted to see for myself, not for her whether there was something wrong. I saw my GP and he immediately said I was depressed and prescribed me Zoloft. I told my wife, and she got upset and angry, and then berated me about the anti-depressants. I took them for a while (a week) but they made me feel weird, and ontop of her talking down to me about them I stopped taking them and thought maybe I was being a hypocondriac. We made up and things went back to "normal"

Nothing changed, the fights still happened, she still threatened to leave or left and came back. I would try and do something different or react differently to try and resolve the issues, but nothing worked. The fights just kept getting worse and worse.

Eventually someone suggested AS to me, and I checked it out. BAM. I hadn't felt that kind of clarity since I met my wife. Everything in my life made sense. Even things i hadn't thought of, AS reminded me of and made them make sense when they previously didn't. It explained why I was so unhappy in my previous relationship and explained why I couldn't see my wife's point of view, and that I can be careless and "off in my own world". It just made so much sense.

I did all the tests and finally got the courage to tell my wife. KAPOW. It was back on again, we were fighting, and really bad this time. She turned AS around onto herself to make it about me being unhappy in our marriage and trying to get away with everything, if not to try and have an excuse to leave and it "not be my fault". This really cut her up, and she wanted me to leave, so I left and stayed at my parents. At my parents she would tell me how much she hated me and how selfish I was, but when she spoke to my mum or sister she would tell them that she just wanted her husband back, she just wanted me at home. When I found this out, I went home and we made up, but never acknowledged the problems.

We went out the next night and had a really good talk, and things were moving forward, in regards to AS and everything. I had organised to see a GP and get a referral about AS, and everything seemed great.

It last a week.

She broke down and said she had been walking on egg shells the whole time, we faught even worse than before and I left again, because she didn't want me there. Except after staying at my parents for a while, I decided to go back over. I got back over and we didn't make up, but things were o..k....I stayed the night at home and the next day we went and had a big chat over a few drinks. I was so hurt by now, and so tired by all of the effort to try and get her to understand me, and try and show her I love her, but understand the double meanings and hints and stuff.
We got to talking about my sexuality, as she said that she never felt an emotional connection when we had sex. We had never had sex often (maybe once a fortnight on average, maybe less) even from when we first met. I don't know, I just don't have a huge sex-drive and I have some other issues, such as erectile dysfunction which I think is exacerbated by the AS and my own self-doubt/anxiety in bed. Anyways, we were talking about sexuality, and she asked me if I was Gay. I thought about it and we talked about it more and more, and it started dawning on me that I might be Gay, it explained a lot, and for the first time in ages it seemed to make her happy. She said that we could remain friends after we broke up, that she wasn't upset or angry anymore, that it all made sense to her now and she could be happy, sad, but happy.
She then organised (on the same day) for me to meet my mum and my sister so I could come out to them. In the meantime, she told her mum (she's croatian) and some others.
My mum and sister came over and I told them I was gay. But then it hit her, she came unstuck and then at seeing her, so did I.

We both lost it. I didn't "feel" gay, but it made sense, and I told myself that it was my social upbringing that was telling me I wasn't gay, when I was. This was a horrible night, and we just cried and cried, she got angry and then sad, and then happy and supportive then angry and sad, then blamed it all on me, and said I was walking away from our marriage to f*ck men. But we ended up having sex, and I said maybe I might be Bi. Over th next 2 days we discussed divorce, and had a lot of time to think, and I came to the conclusion that I wasn't gay. We made up in a way but then...

Because she had told her mum and her cousin and her friends, word had spread about me coming out, and so there were implications now. All of the croatian community was coming to her mum, and all the people that I knew, knew. Most of her friends said I wasn't gay, but that I was confused. Some friends said I just was looking for reasons to get out of the marriage. It was a tough road ahead, but I didn't want out of the marriage so moved forward.

We had friends over and it went well, but it was tough. But we were together and moving forward. I had taken some things I had learnt from AS and applied them to be a better husband, but still...

It lasted 2 weeks, and then we fought again. About what, i'm still not entirely sure. But what I thought it was about, was my sister inviting us over for dinner, my wife saying that she was picking up her pet dog from her mum's for the weekend (we live in a unit) and she couldn't take the dog, but I should go and spend some time with my sister. I wanted to be closer to my sister so agreed, and organised it. But I think that my wife didn't want me to agree, even though she suggested it. And she got upset, then when we went to bed, after I thought she went to sleep I laid on my back and didn't put my arm around her for a bit. Though she says the fight was because she realised we were emotionally different.

The next day, we went and had a chat over a few drinks and I said I wanted her to decide if she was going to stay or go, because I don't want to keep living week to week thinking things are ok and we are moving forward then finding out they aren't and it was all a sham. She said that she wants to be with me, but that i'm such hard work to be with, that sometimes she doesn't but she wants to make it work. So we went back home and agreed to try again, that we would pick up her pet dog, and I would go to my sisters, and it would be ok. The sisters thing was tentative and I was willing not to go, but she said it would be ok. We got home and i put some lunch in the microwave.

Then out of the blue, she says she's going to pick up the dog herself. I say, oh...ok. I figure she must be sober, and want to go by herself, so I just go with it. Then she comes back acting all weird and starts packing her stuff. Saying that we agreed she would go. Then I find out she was upset because I didn't agree to pickup her dog straight away which made her think i didn't want to go. Then I get super mad and have a meltdown and go off at her, I berate her and just went nuts at myself and her, saying that I can't do the double meanings. That she should have just asked me "you said we were going to pick up the dog, when are we going?" and that would have been ok. But instead she goes, then comes back and starts moving out. She went to the kitchen to get another knife to hurt herself, and I got the knife off her and put it away, but I was still so angry, that I said to her "don't be bloody stupid", then continued to hammer home how easy it would have been just to say those words instead of testing me and screwing with my head. Then she left and went to her mums.

I eventually said I was sorry, and i was ashamed for the way I acted. She said she didn't know what to say. I didn't know how long she was going to be at her mum's for, so I asked(my sister) if I could still go to my sisters, to talk and try and get some perspective. I then messaged my wife and said that I was going to my sisters incase she came home and found me not there. Then my wife went off again and called me up and put her mum on.

Her mum then proceeded to tell me i've never been a good husband, i'm not in love with my wife i'm only staying for the lifestyle, that i'm really gay, that I'm not a man but I should be a man for once in my life and let her go. She then said that I was f*cking up her life, her husbands life (he has cancer(not so bad, but not good) and has had a stroke around 2 years ago) her daughters and everyone's life with my bullsh*t. Then repeated herself over and over again about me being gay, not in love with her, and then said that she has 60 years of experience so knows what she is talking about. That I should use that night to decide whether i'm going to step up and be a husband, or be a man for once in my life and break up with my wife. My wife didn't disagree and said for me to do the same as what her mum said. To spend the night and decide.

I went to my sisters, which really helped and then went back home by myself. I spent the night and morning thinking about it, and found that I really didn't have a choice, that the choice had already been made, it was just up to whether I would realise it or not. I thought of all the hurtful things my wife had said, and what we had been through and what her mum said and decided to bow out, and be a man. I organised for my stuff to be moved out and went to stay at my sister's place. My wife agreed it was over and we organised a time and date to meet up and end the lease on the unit and organise things. I turned off my phone because it hurt too much to talk to her, and everytime I spoke to her I would go back on what I said and just want to make her happy. I would forget the problems and start to want to make it up to her.

That was 3 days ago now.

I don't mind being by myself, I actually enjoy it if i have something to do. If i don't, I start to feel like crap, and frustrated and hurt a lot. Then yesterday, we spoke for the first time properly since i left, and she said she just wanted things to change to be like they used to be. That she loves me, and wishes it was different. I then got upset and said that it wasn't that good, and brought up old arguments and things she said and what her mum said about being a man. We ended the conversation, in a weird way. It seemed as though the finality of "its over" had been taken back, and we now had a chance to fight for us, even though none of the problems had gone away. I went back to my sisters and was going fine until my wife called to invite me to the pub with her and a friend (who knew what was going on).

Because I love her so much and when I talk to her on the phone I couldn't help but agree. I went to the pub and broke out in tears upon seeing her. It was soooo good to see her.

We had a great night and it felt like all of the problems went away. I stayed the night at home (my wife's) and we cuddled all night, and made love in the morning. It was like it was in the beginning, but we had forgotten all of our problems.

Now I'm at work, she's at work, all of our problems are still there, but now its not final anymore. But I don't know what to do. I don't want to see her mum ever again, but I know my wife is close to her mum. I want to just move on, but I can't. I can distract myself and absorb myself in my special interests but I feel that I might be making a mistake and may not realise it until its too late. My only way of coping is distraction, ignorance and just ignorant bliss, you know?

I don't know whether I should suggest to move back home, or stay separated to try and work out what we want, give it time, or finalise it all now so we can move on. Time is on my side, but not hers. She is 30 turning 31 and wants kids, but I don't want kids if our future is uncertain (its not fair on the child).

I just don't know what to do. I'm a mess, so hurt, but its my fault, and yet i feel its also hers, but I have to make the decision. Yet when I hear from her or see her, I can't help but go to her, and try and make everything alright.

I really need, just anything, any help at all. Please. I'm sorry for the long post, I just really need someone who can help, someone who may be in a relationship withj someone with AS or someone who has AS who is with an NT.

I just don't know anymore, its so confusing.

Hi, I am or was in a relationship like this. I know what you mean by the double meanings! I'm always trying to work things out. I think I'm gonna get out of this one. One idea I had was maybe playing the guitar to her. That's a way of showing feeling that she'll understand. Maybe if each night you played her a little tune that you'd learnt. (Not a new one each night) That way she'll think that you were thinking of her while she was away. Only if you play it only to her. Seems like she's wanting a signal that shows her that you really love her and that you're not just dependant on her. I don't know really!! !

Your wife sounds dramatic, manipulative and abusive. Divorce sucks, even when it's REALLY warranted, but I promise the hurt does go away. I know, I've been through one and I left my ex for lesser reasons than the ones you've got. In my circumstance there was excessive drama too, though what I went through doesn't even hold a candle to what that woman is doing to you. She berated you for trying antidepressants? She made you come out as gay when you're not, in some attempt to make peace with you not being some robotic version of perfection? Dude, she is going to make your life a living hell forever. I seriously recommend keeping your separate spaces and getting yourself some counseling for sorting through all of this. I really sincerely hope things get better for you and you're able to escape this awful cycle. But really, AS or not, this woman sounds like she wouldn't be happy. I don't mean to berate anyone but you have been treated terribly by someone who is supposed to be your partner in life. Thats wrong.

So, why is she dramatic, manipulative and abusive, and why does she want to stay with him since she's not happy with him? When they break up she then calls him and wants to go out drinking with him AND her friend?

Several things are obvious from your post:

You are not gay. Sometimes NT women don't feel a connection to an AS husband during sex. You're not the first couple to experience this.

Your wife has severe psychological problems that are part of the relationship problem. Pulling a knife and threatening suicide are not normal. Next time have the police pull her in.

Your AS is another part of the problem. Professional marriage counseling instead of the rank amateur advice you two are getting is definitely in order. ASAP.

You two have an argument template you keep following. It doesn't work. Tell the marriage counselor. Remember that most NT arguments are based on hurting the other person to inhibit responses, while AS arguments are based on finding a solution to the problem.

If she won't go to marriage counseling, get divorced. You're both in one hell of a hell and it's not getting better.

I just went through a divorce and I have to say that your relationship does not sound healthy for either one of you.

I agree with most of what MysteryFan says also.

You two seem to be doing the same thing over and over and there is no reason from the details you have given us, to believe that things are ever going to change.

I had a relationship like yours with a woman who was 9 yrs older than me and we fought too much with her getting physical too often.

It took 6 yrs, but we finally ended it for good. My marriage lasted 17 and she gave my ADD/HD as one of the reasons she wanted to divorce me. I have finally come around to seeing the issues she has with control which I tended to overlook all those years.

You need to get yourself in a better place physically and mentally, and the relationship you just described is not it!

No matter what your views are on divorce... you two can continue to live this life you have now and have nothing good come of it.. or you can go your separate ways and you can build a better life on your own away from her.

It also sounds to me like you moved too fast in getting together with her. You really need to look at this whole event carefully so you do not repeat it in the future.

I would suggest you move on with your life now before you two have children who have to live with what you and your wife are doing.

You also should take a realistic look at yourself concerning your contributions to this relationship and your sexuality.
No one here can answer the sexuality question for you and that's one thing I disagree with MysteryFan about.
You should probably not take so much blame for the arguments in your relationship.
I do not know you or your wife, but I do know from experience that people tend to judge themselves much harder than their mates.

Ditto MysteryFan

is she bipolar?

somethin....... i've never been married, and though while i've definitely heard the whole eggshell bit before... i'd say she's more of the problem than you.

you seem dedicated to loving her and making this work... while she does not... now, while that in itself is something to consider... she needs to have that pointed out to her and she needs to figure out what she wants: in or out. and it does sound like she has ISSUES, so that may not be that easy either.

and i don't think you're necessarily gay/bi either... definitely meditate on it if it makes you feel better... but that whole bit just sounded like a (delusional) ploy to get out of your marriage imo.... and shame on her for dragging it to the family.

gl

God f*****g damnit.
N/o but I think your wife's a downright b***h. Imho, she's an overly dramatic, abusive, egocentric, manipulative hypocrite spoiled hag.
Since she doesn't care about your POV nor your feelings which means she doesn't deserve you one single, tiny bit.
She has traits which i, individually, recognize in people around me but she has all of them at once.

What I suggest is that you stop trying things with her. She's not going to change.
And from my POV (yours actually) it's not all your fault. The problem lies for 95% at her person.

I'm sorry for being so aggressive but I'm really just severely pissed at your ex-wife from your post.

It seems like you should end the marriage. Definitely, do not have children with her.

I have not the experience to help with such situations, but nonetheless, my view: You need a break. This all must be exhausting. If you can, take a vacation away from everything. Kick back and relax for a week or so. Then tackle the problems with a fresh head.

Thanks for all your replies, though I think i've been very stupid again.

Last night, I stayed back at work, and I sent her a message (as I'm not good at remembering what I want to say talking over the phone) asking her why she wants me back, why she acts as though i'm the one that is throwing away the marriage, when I left because of the things she has said. I asked if she would be willing to go to counselling.

I called her and used all of my phone credit talking to her, and she said she doesn't want to do counselling if i'm living with my sister. She will only do it if i move back home so we can work through it together. She might consider it if i was living by myself, but not when I am with my sister because she can't stand thinking about what I'm doing when she is at home alone. That she can't stop picturing me having sex with my sister's friend (who also lives there, but there's not even a hint of anything happening, she's like 5 years younger than me, has a boyfriend and was a bridesmaid with my wife at my sister's wedding, so knows i'm married and knows what i'm going through).

I initially thought, that's not my problem if she thinks i'm having an affair just for the sake of it. That its a trust issue, that the thought of my wife seeing someone else hadn't even entered my head and I wondered why it had entered hers. But, the point was, she said she wants to make it work, and will go to counselling but only if i'm not living with my sister.

But I don't have anywhere else to go, unless I move home. I thanked her for her honesty and said I would need to think about it. This wasn't good enough for her, she said she was tired of waiting for me to think about whether i'm going to keep our marriage alive, that she keeps trying to make it work and i keep avoiding it, or running away. I went back to my sisters instead of going home, because i didn't think it would be a good idea.

My wife then called again to ask if i was ok. I said no, of course i'm not. But then we got into another argument about that if i wanted to save the marriage I would have gone home and had dinner with her and talked like adults, but instead i was running back to my sister's and avoiding the problem again. I said that its not that simple, that I need time, i'm not like her. Why do we have to sort everything out right now? That she shouldn't be waiting for me, that she should be strong and do what she needs to do, that I don't want to be the focus of everything, she should be considering why she wants me back too, not just leaving it all up to me. That for me, it hurts to see her, and hear from her, and the thought of going back hurts too much. She said that she was going to step up, and stop waiting, and that its over, she's calling it. She's over it, and wants to move on with her life.
I said fine, and hung up.

Then when I get back to my sister's she calls again and asks if I would come over if she came and picked me up, for me to stop thinking so much and come over, have a beer and just feel, and be together. I agreed, and I went over and had some left over dinner that she cooked and we watched tv and cuddled and acted like nothing happened.

Then we went to bed and had sex again, it was really good, but then when I was about to orgasm (she was on top) i tried to lift her off, but she pushed back down, and I came inside her (sorry for the graphic words). Then she started acting like I'm the one who chose to do it, but made it like it was a good thing. She said she wasn't scared. She asked if i was scared and I said "I don't know". Then we cuddled and all night, all I could think was, I don't know if i can do this, I could have just made the biggest mistake of my life. I was restless in sleep and felt like sh*t in the morning, but hid it all so she could feel good, and happy. We didn't end up talking about any of our problems, and I realised that my "home" looked like my home, but didn't feel like it. But that it didn't look any different to when I used to live there, despite ALL of my stuff being gone. That maybe I didn't contribute much to the house at all, she had more than me, and I only had little knick knacks and a computer that was hidden off in the spare room. I realised that it hurt being with her and not knowing if things were going to be ok, knowing that another fight is not far away.

I realised that I can't move back in. Our unit is a 2 bedroom unit and is quite small, so moving in whilst we do counselling is going to be impossible without pretending that nothing happened. There's nothing to do there but be in each other's space and do things together, the only time I would be able to get space would be leaving for a while. But the main thing is that I may have just gotten my wife pregnant when we are on the verge of separation. She has always been very firm on not having an abortion if we got pregnant, and whilst the chances are 50/50 that she's pregnant (I think I have a low testosterone level, and despite previous occurrances I've never gotten her pregnant before), I can't believe I made that mistake. All because I went there, and tried to make her happy and enjoy time together without any of the problems. I do want kids eventually, I even wanted kids sooner (when we were working as a couple), but I definately don't want kids like this, but essentially its my fault. I chose not to use a condom (even though we never do), I agreed to go back, I started us having sex.

I feel like I should ask her to take the morning after pill, but then again I don't want to crush her feelings or hurt her. But then again I don't want a child like this. I don't want both of our lives ruined because of this. We can't even sort ourselves out, and our health insurance waiting period won't be up if she is pregnant, even 9 months from now.

This is crazy, but I can't seem to let go. I keep telling myself to muscle up, tell her I can't do this, that it hurts too much to be with her, that she has hurt me too much, that I don't want to move back home because it hurts too much, and because I don't want to pretend like nothing happened and make a mistake like we did last night. I want to throw my phone in the water so I don't have to worry about her calling, or if there will be messages when I turn my phone back on. I just want it to go away so I can have time to get myself together and see what can happen.

All I want is time and space, but that is the one thing (or two things, hehe) that she doesn't seem to want to do or be able to do.

Its just so easy for everything to go wrong from here, but I'm so uncertain.

P.S.
For the background info, to put her in a better light, I am quite emotionally distant and very forgetful (I feel due to AS / Dissociation), but I am trying to deal with this by starting to use a diary, and i'm seeing a psychologist (though she thinks the psychologist is going to convince me to leave our marriage, and doesn't like psychologists, as she saw one once and it didn't help).

Also, with the ex girlfriend, I have a joint personal loan with her. My ex is very spiteful towards me and wanted to separate the loan. My wife also wants it separated so we can leave that part of my life behind. but I can't get the finance for my half on my own. My wife started messaging (for me) to my ex about the loan stuff (as i'm quite a softy, even when it comes to the ex, which is another fight we've had) and the ex sent some terrible messages constantly that my wife had to deal with, to the extent of changing her phone number for it to stop. So she has had to deal with quite a lot, i'm not that innocent I guess.

Just wanted to fill that in.

Don’t go back jet, insist on therapy, ask her to read and learn about aspergers, and ask her to get an account on WP. This site has helped me under stand a little more on how my wife is filling even thou she can’t express it for an NT to under stand. have a room for your self and the door that lock in the inside for your sanity.

i am not sure what to say but i want to say something, although i cannot totally understand where you're coming from because i am an NT, i have also recently been through a divorce and know the hurt of that.
i do not believe in divorce, which may sound hipocritical but i do not believe in affairs either so that's where i am coming from. even after the one affair i found out about firsti was stil willng to work on things and keep trying becasue i loved him so much and like you said it hurt to be with him but also hurt to be without him.
you have a very unhealthy relationship and i have to agree with a lot of what mysteryfan3 said.
i think that sometimes people are convinced that they are gay, some people just have a lower sex drive and i can understand from much of what i have read that people with AS hav problems in the area of connection so why not with sex.
She seems to be very controlling and manipulative, you both need counselling and if she is willng to fight for the marraige then she should do it and if you tell her why you feel you need to stay at your sister's for a while, and have that time of seperation. it can be good to clear your head.
you definately do not want to have kids in this situation, even in better situations than yours it can be diffficult. kids complicate a complicated relationship further.
(and by the way even if you pull out before full ejaculation you can still impregnante someone because there can be bits of semen in the pre-ejaculate.)

i read your post yeaterday and just wasn't sure what to say but felt like i had to say something, and had to spend some time thinking about it. and as i said i do not believe in divorce and believe in the sanctity of the vows of marraige but ther are also times when a seperation is necessary in this case there seems to be quite a bit of emotional abuse, and almost seems like "battered wife syndrome" you keep gping back to the abuser because they're sorry and they love you and it was a mistake.
if you keep doing things the same way it will not change and you have said you tried to change and that is good but it has to be in a way that works for both of you. onr person changing can make a difference but both working together makes the biggest difference.

not sure if i helped at all, i hope i did and my apologies for the long post, but wasn't sure how else to say it all.

I agree that she keeps trying to control you. Remind yourself that her way hasn't been working. Being a man does not mean staying married, getting a divorce, or being gay. It means being willing to be yourself. If you are in a position that isn't going where you want it to, then change the situation. Like, while on the phone with her mum... Hang up. Done and done. Stand up for yourself. For the relationship to work, she will have to change at least as much as you. Don't settle for less.

I know this sounds like you just need to be selfish, but considering how she is not willing to see your POV and trying to manipulate you, you need to counter-balance that, and not be willing to meet her in the middle, until she is willing to do the same. Let her come to you, and askyou to help her make things better. You're getting counseling - is she?

You were in a long-term relationship and then you suddenly left that woman for someone else? And proposed to this stranger after only 2 months? And lied to her about your past?

I'm sorry, but I have a very hard time sympathizing with you. You sound like an extremely unstable person, not ready for a serious relationship.

If you want my advice, set your current wife free.