Living with singleness (and liking it)

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Please, I need some advice. (I'll try not to get too emotional, but it's difficult.) Due to my Asperger's traits, I've never been in a relationship in my life. After entering my mid-20's without ever even dating, it became quite clear that I'm incapable of having a relationship (and please don't try to tell me "You're still young, it'll happen eventually," because you won't be fooling anyone, trust me.)

I have no choice but to accept the fact that I'll always be single. But for some reason which I can't explain, I'm unable to get over my "loneliness." I know it sounds stupid and "emo," but I'm having to see a counselor over this. I need some advice from someone else with Asperger's who has managed to overcome the loneliness and enjoy being single. Please tell me, how is it done?

You still have hope to have a relationship that hardly to happen as you already entered the mid-20s without having any relationship .This means that natural selection already decided that you are an outcast in the genetic pool, if you were really meant to have a gf that should happened far before that. Besides,most girls around your age range would be taken by now , so I won't lie to you: your chances are very slim.

You have to learn to live with it, you should convince yourself that if you meet a girl fancying you that would be great but if you don't that would be ok to you too. Don't worry, we humans are programmed to survive how matter what ,even if the need of breeding is a part of our survival extinct (survival of the species) the the survival of self comes first.

Focus on your future, learn , prosper and survive.

Last edited by LePetitPrince on 27 Apr 2008, 1:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Try not to take the being single so personally. The majority of guys in their 20's are single and most don't have Aspergers. Over 50% of the female population no longer seeks a relationship for a variety of reasons. I think its because women were raised to believe they must have and needed a man to take care of them that there used to be so many relationships. Now that women see that its more trouble and work (as in cleaning up after him) than its worth to be in a relationship they prefer singledom and just hanging out with their female friends.

I'm single, 39, have been in numerous relationships with women and can tell you its much nicer being single and doing as you please. Sex is highly over rated as are relationships. Being in a relationship means losing all your freedoms and privacy and it costs a lot of money. Everyone I dated was disgusting, abusive, boring or stupid, so I really don't feel I am missing anything being single now. There is much wisdom in the old saying "It's better to be single than married and miserable."

Besides with the cost of gasoline and food going up its too expensive to date anymore anyway.

One thing I can offer is a list of advantages to being single that can be comforting from a rational standpoint.

1. Financial: Your money will be spent on you for what you want when you want it how you want it. This is an amazing level of fiscal freedom that is increased by the fact that you will be able to earn more by working more without a significant other asking you to spend more time with them.

2. Social: You can associate with whom you wish and only whom you wish outside of the workplace. This is a bigger deal for an AS than an NT because only certain people are capable of letting you truly be yourself without getting alienated. With a relationship, you have to deal with her friends, her parents, her siblings, her extended family, her coworkers, and on and on and on. Being an AS means that they might hate your living guts for reasons you will be as unlikely to perceive as their dislike for you itself. So, no need to live in fear.

3. Sanity: There will be less crazy in your life. Crazy in this sense meaning irrationality. A relationship will mean spending an inordinate amount of time trying to rationally understand the irrational.

4. Progeny: You won't ever have kids, unless you adopt or something, if you never have a relationship. This does not need to be looked upon as a negative thing. After all, you've seen more unfairness in your life than most people as an AS and not having children means you don't have to explain to said children exactly why the world is a place worth living in given all you've seen and experienced. Maybe you could tell potential progeny enough good things about the world to justify having them, but I couldn't.

-Frank

Ah yeah thats right
All you single people out there
This is for you
Yeah

Im not waiting around for a man to save me
('Cause I'm happy where I am)
Don't depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I don't need to be anyone's baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I don't need another half to make me, whole

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't

This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm trading places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
Yeah, uh huh, that's right

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good (I like who I am)
Im not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cause I would
I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cause you say I should (Can't romance on demand)
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood

This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way Im tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single, oh oh ooh

Everything in its right time
Everything in its right place
I know I'll settle down one day
But till then I like it this way...
It's my way
Eh, I like it this way, eh

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't
(Till then I'm single)

This is my current single status
My declaration of independence (Single)
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant (Ooh)

This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places (Right now a star)
Right now a star's in the ascendant

I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single

If you're living your life the way you want, yet waiting for someone you're deeply interested in to see if she can eventually be in a relationship with you, would that qualify in this regard?

I just wanted to say that the AS makes relationships more difficult, but it doesn't make it impossible. Please don't give up, if you really want a relationship. Sounds like a change in the way you look at it is what is needed, that is, if you do want a relationship at some point. Just work on being okay with yourself and your singleness, if it's not too bold of me to say.

A year ago, I was thinking very similar thoughts and experience to what you posted, but without teh counser. Well, my friends pretty much filled taht role. I'm in my 30s, barely ever dated except for a few dates in college, I had a huge crush on someone at the time (who wasn't interested in me, which deeply hurt my already mixed up feelings,) and was depressed and wondering "will anything ever happen to me in this regards?" Does this sound familiar to you? My current situation is different, however. I met a nice guy in the library who happens to be a fellow aspie (what are the odds of that happening, and esp. without leaving one's comfort zone??), and we've gone out several times now. My gentleman friend is in his 40's and he had never been on a date before.

Not intending to be trite in any way, but if this can happen to me, it can happen to other people. Sorry to rattle on for so long.

....except that you are a girl and he's a guy and that makes a huge difference of chances. Just stating a fact , I have nothing against you or your gender.All what I am saying that you can't compare your situation with his even if they seem so similar.

Last edited by LePetitPrince on 27 Apr 2008, 1:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Cyberman,

Take it easy on yourself. I'm twice your age. I live alone with a cat. And this is perfect for me right now. But I've had a few deep loving relationships along the way. First, you get better reading the NT world and interacting with others. Second, you meet people all over the place and some relationships just stick while most don't. OK, you may not have the ideal family. Still, there is absolutely no reason you can't have a small group of people that you connect with, and you can include pets that are so very loving, in a safe comfortable place that you call home.

Long ago I realized that my energy level due to sensory overload is very limited. I could rest up and concentrate on my job, or I could take a lot of the energy from my job and put it into having a one-on-one relationship. Well - I found it exhausting trying to keep a relationship going while handling a tough job. As my prime objective has been to live independently all of my life, the choice was clear. Still I had a few relationships, that were satisfying but very draining I must admit. In truth I do better living alone, more so now than every before. More relusive than ever, something I need to watch carefully so I don't over-isolate.

I'm saying two things. One - you are young and there's plenty of time to meet all kinds of people and have all kinds of relationships that are meaningful, so lighten up. And two - having Asperger's, in my case anyway, is disabling in some ways, so I try to make the best of it, and sometimes feel blue about it, but that's the row for me to hoe, so give me the hoe. I get through the day.

Please pardon my ignorance, but why is the difference so huge? That's something I haven't heard or read about before.

I think he means that with you being a girl you can have your pick of the chaps, wheras a guy can't.

I have heard this tripe from men all my life, that life is so much easier for me being a girl because I can have sex with a snap of my fingers. What booooshwa! I suppose that is supposed to make up with me earning 60% less than a guy, or something.

Do you know what kind of men you GET when you take just anyone? Is that the kind of person THEY want to be with? gag me with a fork.

Merle

Thank you for the responses. However, I am already aware of the benefits of being single (independence, conservation of money and energy, less drama, less responsibility, etc.) Logically, I should be OK with being single. But this isn't a logical desire, so having that knowledge doesn't make it any better, and I don't understand why. Maybe I'm just not as strong as some of you. Perhaps having a few relationships and experiencing how bad they are would cure me, but I don't want to do that because it would be wrong... and even if I did want to try that, I couldn't.

I don't know what to do... I suffer from this loneliness crap every single day, and I'm sick to death of it. And it doesn't help that I see couples all around me, and that our entertainment is plagued with stories involving relationships. I can't seem to get away from it. The only thing that works for me is playing computer games... that usually takes loneliness off my mind... but obviously, I can't spend ALL my time playing games.

I would have to agree.

Why you earn 60% less than a guy? this is a feminist propaganda.Do you have a data for this claim? You can earn as much as a guy do if you study and work hard. My mother ALWAYS earned more than my father, she's a math teacher and principle and she devotes for her job well and worked hard to get this position. My father is successful in his job too but my mother is more successful in term of earning. If my mother can reach that in a middle easter country then you should too.

Last edited by LePetitPrince on 27 Apr 2008, 3:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Just to be clear, I was not agreeing, just explaining what the post meant.