Why do Aspies have problems with relationships?

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MisterHeron
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05 Jun 2008, 2:49 pm

I have Aspergers Syndrome, and this is a question that's been bugging me, that I haven't seen answered. As they say, the first step to fixing a problem is identifying it.

A few things I've encountered in the dating scene:

1. Being told we're 'not compatible' after 1-2 dates
2. Being rejected on the spot
3. Being avoided because the girl can't get the courage to reject me outright

I consistently get told there are tons of compatibility issues, but that's all I ever encounter. I figure given my several hundred rejections thus far, it is definitely because of my disability. I'm good looking, intelligent, and tend to follow a very high set of morals.

1. Formal Speech/speech peculiarities (This one isn't going away...)
2. Obsessive interest in a singular topic. (I've got this one well under control.)
3. Failure to pick up social cues. (Possible issue to be dealt with.)
4. Inappropriate responses. (Possible issue to be dealt with.)

Any advice? I'd rather not build up a facade for dating that can just wear away, as with DatingSage's Alpha Male guide. I just want to know what I need to change to be 'accepted', and I figure if I can get the answers down, I can create a guide for other people to follow, establishing what the most frequent problems that need to be fixed are.



Zane
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05 Jun 2008, 2:54 pm

MisterHeron wrote:
I have Aspergers Syndrome, and this is a question that's been bugging me, that I haven't seen answered. As they say, the first step to fixing a problem is identifying it.

A few things I've encountered in the dating scene:

1. Being told we're 'not compatible' after 1-2 dates
2. Being rejected on the spot
3. Being avoided because the girl can't get the courage to reject me outright

I consistently get told there are tons of compatibility issues, but that's all I ever encounter. I figure given my several hundred rejections thus far, it is definitely because of my disability. I'm good looking, intelligent, and tend to follow a very high set of morals.

1. Formal Speech/speech peculiarities (This one isn't going away...)
2. Obsessive interest in a singular topic. (I've got this one well under control.)
3. Failure to pick up social cues. (Possible issue to be dealt with.)
4. Inappropriate responses. (Possible issue to be dealt with.)

Any advice? I'd rather not build up a facade for dating that can just wear away, as with DatingSage's Alpha Male guide. I just want to know what I need to change to be 'accepted', and I figure if I can get the answers down, I can create a guide for other people to follow, establishing what the most frequent problems that need to be fixed are.


I am right there with you brother.

As far as I can tell it is a matter of understanding where the women are coming from.

We Aspie guys are pretty intelligent and tend to get pretty serious a lot.

So it's almost like women fall for our happy good natures and then when they hang with us long enough our intelligent/serious sides come out and mess things up.

That or in my opinion it is because I am still unsure about a lot of physical boundries when it comes to dating....

-Zane


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Daewoodrow
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05 Jun 2008, 3:14 pm

I keep saying this, but i'll say it again. Don't let dating consume you.
If you find dating to be overtaxing and stressful, why do it? What do you really want from dating that you're not getting. When you honestly answer this question, you'll see that you're being driven by primitive urges which are conflicted with your Autistic logic.
If you find a woman who is right for you, you wont need to behave any differently. but realistically, you might never find a woman who is right for you. And it's not Asperger's syndrome that stops you from finding her. Most neurotypicals never find their perfect match either. But neurotypicals have found ways of convincing themselves that they have, when in fact they're putting on a facade, which quickly breaks down the more time you spend with them.

The question is, while you're waiting for the girl who might show up, do you still want to date anyway? because if you do, you're going to have to put on a facade. The only reason Apsies are held back in the dating world is because we aren't able to lie to ourselves like NTs are. Neurotypicals have dating personas, but if you ask them how to meet women, they'll say "be yourself", and they'll actually believe it.
And don't tell me you can't do it. Autism makes you the ultimate mimic. If they really wanted to, any aspie here could fit in with any crowd, but they prefer to sit around moping all day that they were born with a neurological condition that makes them a supergenius and they can't get a date.
Do what you do best. Study them, watch them interact, watch what they wear when they want to impress, and mimic it.
I started doing it as an experiment. I take notes and everything, I have been doing it for months now, and it takes no effort on my part to trick people into thinking i'm confident and charismatic. I've never had so many women suddenly act interested in me before. The more people I watch, the better my mimicry gets. One girl said to me "you seem alot happier and communicative".
If you'd like me to share some of my findings, just let me know, i'd be happy to.
If you'd like me to share my data with


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Aspie_Chav
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05 Jun 2008, 3:41 pm

In a nutshell
Aspie 2+2=4
NT 2+2= "what is in it for them","whatever is politically correct","whatever keeps order" or "whatever is gods will","whatever will save your life"



Willard
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05 Jun 2008, 3:57 pm

Ever notice how sometimes in a dream, you become aware of a certain object in your peripheral vision, but if you look at it directly, it's not there, or it's moved, to just where you can't quite see it again?

Stop looking so hard.

Ever try to remove a speck from the bathwater, only to find that the movement of the water chases it away every time you reach for it?

Be still.

Life happens when it happens. Don't waste the moments you have yearning for moments that haven't yet arrived.

Besides, if wishes were fishes, we'd all have to eat that seafood s**t.



t0
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05 Jun 2008, 4:13 pm

Daewoodrow wrote:
Most neurotypicals never find their perfect match either. But neurotypicals have found ways of convincing themselves that they have, when in fact they're putting on a facade, which quickly breaks down the more time you spend with them.


Aspie_Chav wrote:
NT 2+2= "what is in it for them","whatever is politically correct","whatever keeps order" or "whatever is gods will","whatever will save your life"


Sources? links? I find it interesting how often folks on the spectrum like to talk about what NTs think and/or feel. As if we're experts.

Where are you looking for dates? I think group activities (volunteer work, mixed gender sports leagues, etc) are good places to make female friends. If you happen to click with one, then you can move forward.



Daewoodrow
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05 Jun 2008, 4:31 pm

t0 wrote:
Sources? links? I find it interesting how often folks on the spectrum like to talk about what NTs think and/or feel. As if we're experts.

Where are you looking for dates? I think group activities (volunteer work, mixed gender sports leagues, etc) are good places to make female friends. If you happen to click with one, then you can move forward.

You want a source for that? Please. Just don't. I'm capable of observing the behavior of others without sucking down and regurgitating the studies and opinions in so called "experts". I can see the NT people and watch how they behave under normal circumstances, and then watch them change that behavior pattern around someone they have feelings for. I watch vast numbers of relationship fail every year, I watch people who maintain their relationship lack a fundamental understanding of their partner, yet they stay together because they feel "an invisible connection".
I had one girl say the following to me, in these exact words:
"Me and [my boyfriend] have nothing in common. We both like eating."
I wouldn't be saying this if I didn't have a quantifiable understanding of the Neurotypical psyche. If that's not good enough for you, then by all means don't listen to me, find yourself a science hack who will tell you
"the human mind can't be predicted, according to this study. This study, however, takes the opposite opinion, and this study supports both. In conclusion, the human mind could either be predicted or not, depending.".
I, however, am quite satisfied with the results my understanding has given me.


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MisterHeron
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05 Jun 2008, 4:53 pm

Daewoodrow wrote:
I keep saying this, but i'll say it again. Don't let dating consume you.
If you find dating to be overtaxing and stressful, why do it? What do you really want from dating that you're not getting. When you honestly answer this question, you'll see that you're being driven by primitive urges which are conflicted with your Autistic logic.
If you find a woman who is right for you, you wont need to behave any differently. but realistically, you might never find a woman who is right for you. And it's not Asperger's syndrome that stops you from finding her. Most neurotypicals never find their perfect match either. But neurotypicals have found ways of convincing themselves that they have, when in fact they're putting on a facade, which quickly breaks down the more time you spend with them.

The question is, while you're waiting for the girl who might show up, do you still want to date anyway? because if you do, you're going to have to put on a facade. The only reason Apsies are held back in the dating world is because we aren't able to lie to ourselves like NTs are. Neurotypicals have dating personas, but if you ask them how to meet women, they'll say "be yourself", and they'll actually believe it.
And don't tell me you can't do it. Autism makes you the ultimate mimic. If they really wanted to, any aspie here could fit in with any crowd, but they prefer to sit around moping all day that they were born with a neurological condition that makes them a supergenius and they can't get a date.
Do what you do best. Study them, watch them interact, watch what they wear when they want to impress, and mimic it.
I started doing it as an experiment. I take notes and everything, I have been doing it for months now, and it takes no effort on my part to trick people into thinking i'm confident and charismatic. I've never had so many women suddenly act interested in me before. The more people I watch, the better my mimicry gets. One girl said to me "you seem alot happier and communicative".
If you'd like me to share some of my findings, just let me know, i'd be happy to.
If you'd like me to share my data with

I'll have to try this...

It'd be worth figuring out what people do to 'fit in' to certain situations, since I'm looking at a possible public service career anyways... It's definitely an idea worth considering though, figuring out how to 'mimic' various persona...



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05 Jun 2008, 4:56 pm

How are you picking the girls you like or ask out. Maybe you aren't compatable with them ? Have you written out a list of compatable charactorics and interests to see if you can find someone you has more compatable charactoristics ? I dated several guys that I was not compatable with and had to end them all...the chymestry was there, the initial attraction but they needed more socilizing then I do and that is a huge issue for me...I don't want to change. I didn't find the "right person" until I was 39 because I didn't even realize what I was looking for or how to make my needs known to another person. I wasted a lot of years...wishing you better luck.


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05 Jun 2008, 5:23 pm

There was only one person I was compatible with, but she turned me down because I wasn't in the same geographical area, and because my personality wasn't absolutely perfect.


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05 Jun 2008, 10:13 pm

Zane wrote:
MisterHeron wrote:
I have Aspergers Syndrome, and this is a question that's been bugging me, that I haven't seen answered. As they say, the first step to fixing a problem is identifying it.

A few things I've encountered in the dating scene:

1. Being told we're 'not compatible' after 1-2 dates
2. Being rejected on the spot
3. Being avoided because the girl can't get the courage to reject me outright

I consistently get told there are tons of compatibility issues, but that's all I ever encounter. I figure given my several hundred rejections thus far, it is definitely because of my disability. I'm good looking, intelligent, and tend to follow a very high set of morals.

1. Formal Speech/speech peculiarities (This one isn't going away...)
2. Obsessive interest in a singular topic. (I've got this one well under control.)
3. Failure to pick up social cues. (Possible issue to be dealt with.)
4. Inappropriate responses. (Possible issue to be dealt with.)

Any advice? I'd rather not build up a facade for dating that can just wear away, as with DatingSage's Alpha Male guide. I just want to know what I need to change to be 'accepted', and I figure if I can get the answers down, I can create a guide for other people to follow, establishing what the most frequent problems that need to be fixed are.


I am right there with you brother.

As far as I can tell it is a matter of understanding where the women are coming from.

We Aspie guys are pretty intelligent and tend to get pretty serious a lot.

So it's almost like women fall for our happy good natures and then when they hang with us long enough our intelligent/serious sides come out and mess things up.

That or in my opinion it is because I am still unsure about a lot of physical boundries when it comes to dating....

-Zane
Zane may be right. It's not that intelligence equals seriousness, it's that when it turns into a lecture or a battle of the brains and loses the intimate/relaxing atmosphere that it becomes a problem. Remember what you put out is what you get. For example lecturing- all people have this problem to a certain extent. But lecturing a person on any subject often will definitely put some distance into the relationship and will make it seem like a parent-child, teacher-student relationship. If you do lecture, balance it out with kisses, humor, smiles, etc. Lightens the mood and opens it up for back and forth conversation.



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05 Jun 2008, 10:22 pm

I would say it's something to do with social skills, which most aspies are inhibited in. A lot of NT's (at least the ones where I live) don't care for anyone that can't keep up with the Jones' so to speak.

If someone truly loves someone, it doesn't matter what social problems they have, in fact, they have no problems what so ever in the eyes of the one who loves them. What should matter is how they feel about each other. When you acquire that kind of love, nothing else matters.

Yet, society at large cares nothing for that kind of love anymore. :roll:


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05 Jun 2008, 10:48 pm

MisterHeron wrote:
I have Aspergers Syndrome, and this is a question that's been bugging me, that I haven't seen answered. As they say, the first step to fixing a problem is identifying it.

A few things I've encountered in the dating scene:

1. Being told we're 'not compatible' after 1-2 dates
2. Being rejected on the spot
3. Being avoided because the girl can't get the courage to reject me outright

I consistently get told there are tons of compatibility issues, but that's all I ever encounter. I figure given my several hundred rejections thus far, it is definitely because of my disability. I'm good looking, intelligent, and tend to follow a very high set of morals.

1. Formal Speech/speech peculiarities (This one isn't going away...)
2. Obsessive interest in a singular topic. (I've got this one well under control.)
3. Failure to pick up social cues. (Possible issue to be dealt with.)
4. Inappropriate responses. (Possible issue to be dealt with.)

Any advice? I'd rather not build up a facade for dating that can just wear away, as with DatingSage's Alpha Male guide. I just want to know what I need to change to be 'accepted', and I figure if I can get the answers down, I can create a guide for other people to follow, establishing what the most frequent problems that need to be fixed are.

Don't give up... there is no quick answer or "guide" (despite what some people think). You can only be you... just keep meeting/talking to women, and eventually one will click. Until then, don't think you need another person to be happy (you don't). I have had a lot of difficulty dating, but I will not beat myself up for being single or whatever. Just enjoy things you like in life, don't be afraid to be yourself. Life is too short to be unhappy because you're single.