Awkward relationship troubles...

Post Reply New Topic

OK, I have ended up in an ad-hoc relationship with a member of the opposite sex, and she is neurotypical, but understanding of my Asperger's Syndrome. However, there are some major quibbles:

1 . She is significantly older than I am (I am 21, she is 30),

2 . She is a fellow resident at the half-way house I am at,

3 . My parents strongly disapprove, though her parents do not,

4 . She is a former drug addict, and

5 . She is very full-on (if you get my drift).

She had been eyeing me off for a long time, then successfully seduced me recently (thus becoming the first I was with in that sense). I am uncomfortable with the whole arrangement, due to the quibbles, however;

1 . She claims to love me to a great degree, though her reasons for such when questioned are somewhat ambiguous, though I think she likes my being honest, upfront, among other things...

2 . I respect her and enjoy her 'companionship', but I am confused as to whether I actually love her, there seems to be a small thing missing, and I don't know what it is.

This is very confusing - I would have much preferred someone closer to my own age, and maybe with Asperger's to boot. Should I deep-six her, continue with the relations, or what?

Unless she's trying to marry you and you don't want to marry her, age is irrelevant.



Why are you at a halfway house?



Why does your parents' opinion matter?



Do you think she'll relapse?



Do you mean sex-wise she's too much for you?



I think your head's in the game too much when you should be relaxing to enjoy it.



Most of your quibbles I don't see as problems, but if all that stuff is bothering you so much maybe it is best that you end it, because clearly you aren't into something this full-on yet whereas she is. Also, her being a former drug addict, maybe she's looking for some kind of alternative dependency and that's ended up being you, which isn't really fair on anybody.

1.What signs have you gotten? OK OK, maybe the "first time in that sense" is as obvious as it gets, but what other signs are there? Do you two get along well in a non-physical sense? Do you have good conversations and/or laugh together? Did she mention any hints a long-term relationship?

2.What exactly draws you to her? It is because she took your virginity? Is it due to the affection she's giving you? It is the companionship the provides you? Or are you attracted to her as a person? Basically ask yourself the following questions: would you feel the same way if another woman did the same things, and would you feel the same way if this woman did not do these things?

Overall, I'd say give it a shot. She seems really nice. Just make sure you don't get fixated on her, and be prepared to handle any problems that come your way.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 04 Aug 2008, 2:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think that "missing puzzle piece" feeling is something all us Aspies get it may seem, i've never had a relationship that didn't have the feeling actually. In a way it might actually be good she was FORMER addict, the reason being is , Aspergers and certain "needs" to get drugs have a lot in common , they both seem to try and pull us down a road that the AS or drug-lust wants ,.... well maybe i'm thinking to hard.... haha...

I don't think that age difference is enough to be worried about. It really shouldn't be an issue.


What's wrong with that?


You are a legal adult and able to make decisions about your love life.


as long as she stays "former", not a problem.


Guess that makes it easier for you then. Just enjoy it and let it progress on it's own.

Good luck

Unfortunately, due to my finding out that the girl was being not entirely upfront herself about certain things (she suddenly dropped the bombshell that she was infected with hepatitis C, but I remain cautiously optimistic that I have not caught it because I used protection each and every time I was with her), I decided enough was enough.

I dropped her like a stone for not admitting that to me straight-up before anything happened.

Now I have to wait until November before doing anything at all, to make sure I'm clear, either that or I have to undergo some sort of antiviral treatment.

That's what happens when you rush into an intimate relationship... though I blame her more because she's the one who seduced you.

Personally, I'd want to avoid anyone with addiction problems, especially during their recovery period. In fact, most professionals would agree that for them to have a relationship during that time would be damaging to the recovery process.

A psychologist once explained addiction in this way to me: It fills a void in your life. Something is missing that you want very badly but can't get so you "replace" it with something else. This is why some addicts sometimes change their object of addiction, because what they're addicted to doesn't really matter anyway; it's a shadow of whatever they're REALLY missing from their life, and they want to make themselves feel better in spite of that void.

Sex can be addictive. Perhaps she was changing her "drug of choice" to endorphins, which is chemically related to morphine.

At any rate, you are definitely much better off without her, and she really needs to focus on her own recovery and not on you. The lack of forthrightness on her part doesn't really surprise me either; she's probably still not used to the idea of admitting she has a problem.

It's nothing to do with rushing in. This is the other person being dishonest, and possibly a poor choice of partner in the first place.