Why do you want a relationship?

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I feel like I've missed out and am missing out, and would like to not feel that way, at least by the time I'm extremely old or dead.

I don't feel the need to be understood, really, (something I hear a lot of) or otherwise catered to by another individual, but I do want to share and enjoy, if that makes any sense. Y'know, before my life is over and my reaction is just, "huh..."

I just feel like something is missing in my life. It's not connected to any particular person, it's just that I feel like being in any relationship, for any amount of time, will make me feel like a more complete person...

Sorry I made you sad... ^_^;;;

But, yes. I know that not a lot of people plan on getting married when they enter the dating world, but I want to bring someone into my life who will take care of me (by working, giving me a place to stay, comforting me) and whom I can care for in return (by doing his laundry, cooking his food, etc). Although I am a bit young, the thought of becoming a simple housewife makes me feel very happy. It will give me independence, it will give me a purpose in life and it will ensure that I will not be left alone even after my parents pass away.

I don't know honestly. I guess I just want someone to understand me and love me no matter what quirks I have.

Or I could just want things I can never have, like the winning lottery numbers.

The prospect of having a first relationship seems like a rite of passage. With AS it could be seen as being another step on the ladder from being able to make friends in a new school or place of work. I've also heard of men who, regardless of whether it is their first relationship, don't seem to care about their partners as much as they like telling other people that they are theirs. Personally I can imagine wanting to spend a lot of time with a partner, but those are two of the more selfish reasons I can think of why certain people would want a relationship and cannot be fulfilled by a pet or a friend or (realistically) a prostitute.

*Steeples fingers*

Why do I want a romantic relationship? The answer is simple...I feel empty.

When I curl up to sleep at night, I wish I had someone I could curl up to, someone I could hold and be myself with and not fear.

Having never dated or had any form of romantic attachment, no doubt my belief's about a relationship are a tad skewed and the prospect of finding out...it fills me with fear and excitement.

I need someone to make me feel whole, someone who can understand me, push me and love me completely. Someone who defines love not as the physical but as the metaphysical.

*Sighs*

Regards
GM

When I had a meaningful girlfriend i had felt something that I never felt before, there was that warm feeling in your heart and whatever I did with that girl seemed exciting and interesting. i just wanted to kiss her and go around with her all the time, I was sick when she wasn't there. So when that all broke up and i got over the crying part i realized wh yi want to have these kind of relationships. i want to feel what i felt when i was with my girlfriend all the time.

Hi. First, I think it's great you are here and trying to better understand AS/Autism. So, yay for you trying to be supportive!

As for your question, I am going to answer it just from my personal feelings, and not speculate about others.

Other people have accused me of not liking touch, so it must look that way to them. But that is not true. I love to be touched, but i guess i am very picky about it and i jerk away pretty often when a boyfriend touches me. Usually because it scares or startles me, or they do it "wrong"-- by which i mean they touch me too gentle/soft which itches or hurts. Usually i am thinking about other things, so instead of communicating what my issue is, i just yell and jerk away.

I suppose I also ignore and don't "talk" to boyfriends consistently either. i will become focused on something else, and when they talk at me i just don't hear them or i feel annoyed they are distracting me.

But, when you ask what I want in a relationship. I think I DO want all the things you mentioned. I do want touch and talk and connection and to be understood by someone, and find them fascinating and all of that. I want the same, normal things that most girls want.

I guess I just selfishly want it on my own time schedule and not theirs. When i want or need something, I demand it. When people act that way towards me, demand my attention, then I am much more likely to comply. But when people get their feelings hurt and go to sulk in another room, I just forget about them. I know that sounds terrible, but I will just forget the problem, because it wasn't a problem for me, so my brain moves on to other things and I get distracted.

Just because your SO acts differently than you, doesn't mean he doesn't want the same things underneath. Of course your needs need to be met too, not just his, and it sounds like that may be an issue. Just ask a lot of questions, and be up front about how things make you feel, and what you would like to happen instead. Asking for a specific thing is much more helpful than just telling him you dislike this or that.

I want a companion than I can have with a different type of relationship than my fiends, but also be their friend. Kind of like most people I would have thought. I do quite like independent women, who have their own interests, and also not too plain/carbon clone/‘perfect body’ but with quirks.

I don't hate touch, I wish I could cuddle and be intimate with a girl I like a lot. The transition to touch and letting people close mentally is more difficult, but I’m willing.

I can't know since I was never in real one.

Thanks, everybody for your very honest courageous replies on this topic. I hope more people post. I am learning from this.

i_Am_andaJoy: Thank you. I'm really trying to understand, and sometimes it feels as if I do all the emotional 'work' in my relationship. He seems content to stay in his own world. I can do that sometimes too but I like to come out and be with the person I'm with. Otherwise, to me there is no point.

I offered him a hug today and he came over and gave (and took) a real hug. He was upset which is probably why he accepted the offer. I told him he can have a hug any time. He surprised me by saying he wanted a hug for months. I asked why he hadn't said so. He said he didn't think I'd hug him. I was baffled because I've actually talked about this with him at length; I've asked for touch/a hug and been denied; I've even cried about it to him, truth be known.

It's just occurred to me that none of that factored into his feeling because it was my wish, not his. What he was referring to was not a two way street where he'd hug me any time - but that there were times he could think of when he felt like a hug and I was busy or asleep or something like that. Everything with him seems a one-way street. I can see that he's baffled by a relationship though so I do feel for him. But, I feel for my situation too. Lol.

He just seems to have tunnel vision...that's how it seems to me. It's almost like me as a separate, feeling person does not blip his radar.

I hope everyone here who wants a relationship finds one, though. I do think the more thought goes into what one wants and doesn't want and will give, before finding the S.O. raises the chance of success. I often think he put no thought into his wish past wishing it.

I completely disagree. I don't care about nor desire sex from a relationship, I could have a totally sexless relationship and be fine with that. I want to know what's like not just to love someone, but to have someone genuinely love you back for who you are at the core. I'm 22 and I've never experienced this, and I tell you it's killing me. Life - without feeling loved by someone whom it's not required of (family) - leaves the constant feeling that something is missing. It's like trying to sleep in a cold room without a blanket.

Yeah I would be happy in a relationship even if I didn't have sex, that kind of relationship is even more deeper i think. Just watch Pushing Daises and you'll be amazed at how close someone can get without touch...

I've been in a serious relationship with my gf for a long time. It's hardly romantic rather we are just really good friends who constantly tease each other about every little thing.

I think peer pressure is one of the main reasons.

yeah, loving an aspie is probably not for the impatient or faint of heart... when i stop and think about all that certain people do/have done for me, i logically see that they put tremendous effort into me and the relationship, and i will think, "wow. i should appreciate that. i am lucky."

But in the little moments, when they would like something from me, you are right, it's like i forget that i know that, and they DON'T blip on my radar. again, i hope you can communicate some of your sadness to your SO, and i would say repetition is key. it's not so much that i forget conversations completely, but i do forget them in the moment, or perhaps just fail to see how they apply.

i tell guys, "try to treat me like a 2 year old more often." for example, if my SO told me they were feeling a bit like you, i might understand the conversation, but then still ignore them five minutes later... so i would tell them something like-- ok, every time i act that way you need to make eye contact with me and say, "hey! this blip needs to be on radar." (or whatever little saying that will make me remember the previous conversation.)

for me, something like that really helps. people have told me they hate repeating themselves 50 million times and that i should just remember and not have to be treated like a 2 year old, but hey, it works. talk to your SO and maybe you can find something that will work for both of you.