advice please!

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hey all! I have been going out with an aspie guy for the past year. We live in different countries so see each other every couple of weekends when we visit each other. We have a great time when we see each other, we go to gigs and out for dinner or just laze about watching dvd's.. and lots of sex! It's his first relationship though and sometimes I wonder what he's actually after. I don't think he's told his family about me, he doesn't invite me to coupley things like his friends' weddings, he's never actually referred to me as his girlfriend (although I know that's how he see's me), he never calls me, I call him (although we text lots) and he doesn't really confide his feelings to me. I have to ask him things and drag news/feelings etc out of him. Do you think this is because he's a) aspie and uncomfortable with these conversations, b) just inexperienced with girls or c) not that bothered about me (apart from sex!) OR- some or all of the above! thanks!x

its difficult to define the feelings. i dont like when someone asks me about them. i would bet on the a) options.

It's both a) and b). Don't worry about it, if you're still having fun and suchlike.

it's A and B

Weird how every short while a new fresh female user posts a thread story about dating an Aspie for a while or suspecting that he's Aspie and ask us how she should deal with the matter.
I thought that AS is very unknown among people and it's pretty hard to be identified by non-experts.

oh no he mentioned once (when he was very drunk) something about being aspie, because I'd mentioned my cousin was previously. It was one of those break-through moments! I just wondered if him not being all that pro-active (to use a wanky term!) was because of this or because he's not that arsed! thanks for the comments x

I try to refrain from phone calls personally. Those get tricky unless you know what you want to talk about. I also don't like talking to family about who I'm dating or bring them around because they always take the conversation places that I'd rather not think or discuss. I really only bring girls home when I know my mom will hate them. Then there is the fact that most people fail at relationships in the first place without being as "dynamic" as us.

Only one plausible explanation: hatred.

I was in this same situation last year.

If your guy is an aspie, he probably doesn't think anything is wrong to begin with (from your point of view either), and he's almost certainly not after anything, apart from wanting to spend time with you. If there's one thing I wish I had known at the start of my relationship, it's that all the dating advice you've heard or read over the duration of your life - forget it. Those rules don't apply here. For us, a guy not telling his family about you has meaning. More specifically, it means that he's not serious enough about you to mention you to the people who are important to him. While that may hold true 95% of the time, this is the 5% where it doesn't mean a thing. My boyfriend never went out of his way to introduce or even mention me to any of his family, but when he'd have a reason to see them and I was around (we're also long-distance), he brought me along and I met them then. Same thing with the boyfriend/girlfriend label. This is a hugely uncomfortable conversation to attempt (I couldn't bring myself to try), so I have a not-entirely-serious suggestion - get him on facebook if he's not already and see if he adds you to the "in a relationship with" bit. Sneaky, yes, but at least you'll know how he sees you without a dramatic "where is this going" conversation. As for the lack of calls, I can identify with that as well. He's called me spontaneously maybe four times in the last year, and half of those were within the last week. He did do his best to explain why he didn't call though, so I'll list some of the reasons and hopefully you'll feel slightly better and perhaps be able to take it less personally.

Reasons for not calling:
-Always avoided the phone when possible, since childhood. Still not used to it.
-Fear of someone other than the intended recipient picking it up.
-Having to come up with something to say on the spot, and feeling panicky when he can't and there's silence.
-Calling without having something in particular to talk about is extremely stressful. One call can require a whole planning process.
-(if he has a mobile phone) It's used primarily for text messages.

Seriously, the phone thing was very upsetting to me up until a few months ago. I enjoyed talking to him so much that I absolutely couldn't understand why if he cared about me, he wouldn't be equally interested in talking to me. Then he offered to buy me a mobile phone of my own (I'm happy with the landline) as a solution, because it would allow him to reach me directly without the risk of a family member answering. That's when it finally sunk in that it really wasn't personal at all. What we did to get around this is start using webcams, which is almost like being in the same room... but obviously nowhere near as nice.

It's incredibly difficult to just deem an entire lifetime of social rules irrelevant and toss them aside, but that's pretty much what you have to do. It does get easier though. You have to learn to trust your instinct. If everything he says is considered "wrong" but feels right, accept it as the latter.

bahhh. I got drunk the other night and texted him to tell him I loved him. He kinda brushed it off. I don't think I should mention it but.. it does bother me.

If you are serious about this relationship, and you would like more from it than what you have currently, instead of speaking here on the forums .. approach him directly and let him know what you are struggling with in the relationship, let him know what he can do differently if he is wanting the relationship to work long term.

He may find it hard to identify his feelings ( and yours ) .. best thing is for you to be very clear. Do not assume that he is aware of any of this. He may well just be enjoying it for what it is.

yeah next time I see him I'll try and bring it up. I know he's not seeing anyone else, I don't have any doubts in that area.. ok we'll see! thanks.x

He bought you a phone and you have sex with him? It sounds like you are in a relationship. This may be as good as it gets so decide if you can deal with his issues and don't expect much more.