Insight needed.

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Hello. I'm an NT(ish) girl who's been seeing an Aspie guy for about a year now. A few months into the relationship I was being driven mad by the seemingly ridiculous misunderstandings we'd keep having. Several discussions and plenty of reading later, I ended up here, and have been checking this site since for a better idea of how to understand him. This was all fine until recently. Now I think I've run out of ideas.

This man and I are both in our twenties. We met online, and we're several thousand miles and an ocean apart. We've spent a total of two months living together. The distance has been hard, but we decided early on to make a go of it and find a way to be together permanently. This is where the trouble starts... While marriage have never been a goal for either of us, we love each other and that would be the most obvious way for us to be together (due to our particular circumstances, it's pretty much the only way we can remain together permanently). Anyway, a little over a month ago, we were instant messaging - our primary way of communicating. We had established a while ago that it was a good idea to get married within two years, and had chosen an ideal venue for doing so. We had also decided to start preparing by saving up and doing whatever else was necessary for an international move. I mentioned the fact that we were not yet engaged, and it seemed wrong to plan for the future with that part missing. Lots of confusion and crying later, in the same chat, he asked me if I would marry him. On i.m. At first, I thought he was being sarcastic. It seemed especially cruel, as if he were asking only to please me. Then I was unsure, but at that point I was so hurt that I ignored the line and passed it off as a joke, to make myself feel better. Right before he asked, he said that he wanted to ask in person, and as we were going to see each other within the next few weeks, I assumed he'd do it then if he wanted to. Forward to the visit... I go to him, and we have a wonderful time. We spend a full month together. I try approaching the subject of our future a few times with him. A couple of those times, I'm met with a bewildered stare and silence, until I feel awkward enough to change the subject, and things become good again. The other times, he rolls over and falls asleep. Then I finally ask whether he still wants to follow through with our plan. He says yes, and I hope that he'll clarify everything in the remaining time. He never did, and I abandoned all thoughts about what we'd talked about before. So... we arrive at today. For the past week, now that I'm back home, every reference to the future on his part has seemed... cheap. I couldn't exactly forget his apparent disinterest in it when we were together. It upset me, though I didn't say anything until today. We talked about all of it, and even though I didn't want to say it, I asked why he didn't ask me to marry him in person if he'd really felt it important. His response was that he *had* meant it when he asked online, and was waiting for my reply to it. He also said that he didn't respond to my wanting to know what was going on because he liked the plan and had no changes to make to it. I tried to explain, as calmly as possible, why an online proposal wasn't okay when he had avoided any talk about our future in person, and he snapped at me for "deciding on my own what's considered bad". Our conversation improved a bit after that, and we're back to the original plan, but for me, not much has been resolved. The man I love still doesn't see why I'd be hurt by his indifference towards something as huge as marrying me. Ending the relationship isn't an option. I do love him, want to marry him, and I know he's not doing anything to me on purpose. He's just absolutely clueless, and I don't know how to tell him "propose properly or I can't marry you", as he'd just take that as a "no, I don't want to marry you" (thus ending any chance of a non-long-distance relationship, and therefore, us). That's not to say that I'm shallow and think there's a "wrong" way to do it, but something that doesn't come off as cold and insincere and make me cry would be preferable. Now that we're apart once again, he says he wants to marry me, but can't see why I'm hesitant to believe him. I'm very confused and having a hard time believing this situation won't replay itself the next time we see each other.

Thoughts? Anyone?

I'm resonable at understanding girl code.

So basically you want him to propose to you in a romantic way?

[quote="MR_BOGAN"]:?

I'm resonable at understanding girl code.

So basically you want him to propose to you in a romantic way?[/quote]


Heh.

No, I'm mostly saddened that he didn't think it necessary to put even five minutes of thought into it (there was no personal element whatsoever, and he had every opportunity for there to be), and because of that, I'm not entirely convinced that he actually wants marriage - a big deal if you already know when you're supposed to get married. He doesn't get why this is an issue for me, and I don't know how to explain to him why it's so important. The situation itself wouldn't be as bad if I wasn't expected to leave everything I know and move to another continent to marry someone I'm not even engaged to. It sounds insane when I think about it. I'm not sure how I've ended up in this position.

Well, if you have ANY doubts about marrying him, then you shouldn't. I'm not saying "never" marry him, just that you're not yet ready. This is not something you should rush into. He needs to take this seriously, and nothing should be set into stone until he's convinced you that he's serious about it.

Well why is it important?

Have you had a fantacsy about being proposed to in some exotic setting with some suprise to it.

Also like you said, because you feel he didn't put any effort into his proposal, you are not sure he is serious about marriage and now have trust issues with that.

"Then I was unsure, but at that point I was so hurt that I ignored the line and passed it off as a joke, to make myself feel better. Right before he asked, he said that he wanted to ask in person, and as we were going to see each other within the next few weeks, I assumed he'd do it then if he wanted to. Forward to the visit."


Looks like he allready asked and you blew it off as a joke. Therefore he felt like you said no.

you said it yourself. he is clueless. as i see it, you actually made him to propose through internet, although he wanted to do that personally. and once he did it there was no reason to do it again. he was waiting for your answer. you two were waiting for the other one to do something and therefore no one did anything. why did you want him to propose twice? he obviously ment it the first time. i know, i see your reasoning, but his one is more logic oriented.

I see your point, but I'm not interested in any fantasy or surprise element. I'd planned to propose to him (ring and all) in case he didn't, only when he avoided everything we'd discussed, it seemed wrong. I told him this a few days ago, and his response was "Why didn't you? It would have been a relief." Maybe it's more of a female thing, I don't know, but I found it extremely hurtful that something as big and personal as marriage was only addressed the once, at a time that was completely inappropriate, impersonal, and makes me shudder just to think about (the rest of that chat log was so bad, I'd deleted it soon after it took place). I wish I could let it go, but I feel so let down, and accepting that as it was, would make me feel as if I'd lost all self-respect. I'm willing to try again, but at this point, I'm tired of doing all the work. I need him to help at least a little.

It sounds to me like both of you have problems getting your thoughts organized before getting them out the mouth (or keyboard, your choice...) I know how difficult that is firsthand (I'll often lock up if I don't know the answer to a given situation...)

The first thing both of you as a couple have to do is to accept that both of you need to have time to formulate what you're going to say, otherwise you end up saying nothing...

I've been analyzing the whole thing for days now, and this post just helped more than any of it. Sometimes you just need to hear the facts from someone else.

I thought that was the best post too. I think he meant it too, and was hurt after your reaction. Then there was an expectation offset. Maybe you need to belatedly accept that proposal. When you expressed your concern that he hadn't proposed yet then he probably just became worried that you felt that way and didn't want to make you wait until he saw you in person.

Well for me I don't see marriage as a big deal and it would be just an extra detail if you already had a good relationship, so I'd probably think the same as him.

My advice is that need to communicate to him clearer and tell him directly what is bothering you. It is honestly the worst when you are left to try and figure things out. I found your post a bit difficult to understand, you have to remember that males are less complex and not as emotional. Try to understand how he thinks and help him understand how you think, simple and clear communication is the best way to go.

good luck

Many of us blokes will never really understand why some things are so important to you no matter how many times you try to explain it.

If you are not happy with something say so simply and clearly

Waiting for him to figure out that you are upset or why you are upset by telepathy really isn't going to work.

I think that if you're not happy about they way he does things now, you'll probably never be happy. You'll probably always be disapointed in the way he expresses himself. I can understand from you're point of view (being that I am a woman) wanting it to be special.