I am the XX year old virgin. Add your name to the list.

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I am considering renouncing Christianity because of the "no sex until marriage" rule.

I didn't downplay it one bit, but I did say it doesn't need to be that way. If you read carefully, my point was that the suffering is needless, and with a little more effort and some change it can be quite a bit better. Not to mention I've had my own sexual frustrations, so I can empathize.

If you want to keep on feeling it without at least trying something new, or taking advice, that's completely up to you. However, that doesn't mean that someone trying is downplaying it -- they're simply not playing into it.

If looking desperate is so obvious, what does it mean to look desperate? In particular, I'm not sure if I can see the distinction between looking interested in a possible relationship and looking desperate. I've tried not looking interested and not talking to strangers and that hasn't got me anywhere to date.

16 year old and a virgin here lol

and not exepecting to lose it anytime soon either..
xxxx

Now that's a good question, and unfortunately one I can't answer for all women, I'm sure. I think I'm mostly neurotypical when it comes to things like these, since I use a lot of empathy. Keep in mind that empathy doesn't mean compassion or sympathy, it simply means I can intuitively pick up on another person's emotions. What I do after that depends on the situation, entirely.

So, let me try to explain-- I've never explained this in words. I've been approached by guys and I can tell by their posture, eyes and overall body language how they feel. Some guys are just insecure, and as I said, that can be 'cute' -- the shifty eyes or shoe-gazing, nervous grin, nervous hand gestures, on and on, aren't necessarily a turn-off. In fact, guys can act pretty self assured and be a turn-off, too. It's all in whether they seem to be 'fishing' or not -- looking for sex, or to get laid, or not. In those cases, the guy may come on way too strong and think he's acting confident, when really it's clear from his posturing, voice and so-forth that he's trying to hide his desire. Even if it's not obvious, for a lot of women, it's better to be on the safe side.

Interest is a good thing, desperate is not. Guys who are desperate for a 'relationship' aren't going to make the best choices, and I know this logically and intuitively, instinctively. Guys who are desperate for sex... well, that's been gone over.

Keep in mind that a lot of women really hate to turn guys down. Try to be empathic with the person you're approaching, how she's feeling, how your own actions may make her feel, etc. I can feel how heartbreaking it is in a lot of cases, and it's really hard to deal with. Some women are cold b*****s with it, and I wish I could do it like they do.

It can be especially difficult to turn down men because many of the guys who've been brave enough to approach me or my friends did seem like they would do well with a break, but being selective is also very important for us. You have two things against you, our rightful selectiveness and your possible muck-ups. The best prescription for either problem is a lot of reflection, analysis and awareness of the situation and everyone involved, if that's possible.

Something else to remember: Sometimes, when we women say, "It's not you, it's me," or "You're really a sweet guy, you're just not my type," we goddamn mean it! This doesn't mean we're always covering for the fact that you're ugly or totally unappealing. I've seen some quite good-looking guys on this board who were so self-loathing they're totally f**king themselves over. There are some guys I've seen that could well be fine but are just not what I've looked for, but would be great for other women. A lot of the time, I see 'archetypes' for lonely guys that they could get if only they just saw it for themselves and accepted and improved their own behaviour. For themselves is the key word here, not so they can get laid or just a get a date.

Watch what you say and communicate as best you can. Be selective, go for the women that feel right to you, that you think would be perfect for you in terms of personality, not physical appearance. Big boobs does not equal 'your type,' that's just a visual perk. And most importantly, try to empathize with her--her life, her emotions, her everything. I know this is hard for a lot of Aspies and auties, but it's also possible to learn.

I know this is long-winded, but I seriously hope it helps. I have experience and I've met quite a few guys in a lot of your positions, so I'm not flapping a bunch of bacon off, here, I promise. I like any questions, if I can help. But in short, if you approach a woman with the fact that you've never been laid in x amount of years weighing on your mind, chances are she's going to see it in your eyes, feel it in your movements, and hear it in your voice. Stop making virginity so important, as hard as that sounds. I can speak up for all the women that would like a nice, clean guy...it's just that they come at the high price of insecurity and over blown self concern.

I think women in general can spot desperation a mile away and it's a big turn-off. That said, I also think it's a myth that women will inevitably fall for guys who act aloof or like they couldn't care less, or come off like a total dick. The trick is to find a happy medium--we have to let them know we are very attracted and interested, but won't end up crying in a fetal position if we are rejected. My problem is, I could always manage the former but not so much the latter.

Damn it, you know how to hit a spot. :'( But yes, you said it well and in fewer words than I did.

What you said was all well and good, I largely agree with it, but you didn't really answer my question. I'll rephrase it; what are the differences between looking interested and looking desperate? I am confused by the conflicting advice I get; "get out there and look", "stop looking", what's it to be?

I know, it's really frustrating to explain. :D I'll make it as clear as I can.

Interested: (please keep in mind this is a generalization) A guy shows interest by approaching with some confidence (he doesn't have to be debonair) and points out a common interest. A lot of guys will try this out even if it's something they're not interested in, just to get a girl's attention. God, how many movies and TV shows have done that one over? Even if he's nervous, it shows from the outset he's not just interested in, you know, tits. My first time was with a guy who did just this, and it was genuine -- we met through a forum for a band. Common interest usually means interest all around.

A guy who's being fake about a common interest may not be obvious from the outset if he's good, but often it will show he knows less than the woman about the subject, or whatever it is, and will become increasingly insecure. I've had this happen a couple times and it was just a very intuitive interaction. I was upset because it gave me a twinge of hope, too.

Interest can extend to something deeper, though, which I can't explain. This is the case with me and my current, and we're a real odd couple, ages apart and unlikely all around. Neither of us can totally explain the mutual interest, but it's not physical. I could tell he was genuinely interested in my personality because he was tenacious, despite me being in a relationship. He was also quiet about it, but I still picked up on it. His insistent conversations about whatever, and his openness to my questions, we all key in the interest interplay. This in itself gets the interest of any woman, whether they admit to it or not.

A desperate guy may be way too open, too quickly, without much regard for the situation, or, more often, he may lie too much and obviously. I start catching guys in lies pretty easily and early on, and it's a huge warning sign. Lies don't have to be obvious, they can be subtle white lies or even just flaunting a false attitude, or exaggerating real events to impress. Deceit of any sort shows a lack of integrity, and most women are going to flee pretty fast at the scent of it, obviously. Interested guys who are also not just desperate seem to me to be less likely to throw lies around.

Really, that just about covers it. But I have to also remind that women can be pretty damn clueless themselves, and I've seen that plenty. I've actually been legitimately pissed off when friends and women I knew would turn down 'nice guys' for 'bad boys'. It's not as though this is terribly one-sided. That's why I said that guys have to be more selective, as well, because they set themselves up pretty badly for disappointing encounters sometimes.

What sort of women do you approach, Hector? And what do you feel like you do or feel in those situations? I always thought you were in a relationship, anyway.

i think people can actually smell the desperation on you...i ironically find it much easier to attract people when i'm in a relationship or even just "getting some" lol x

I can't speak for how guys smell, but I know for myself a guy either smells attractive or unattractive. Either way, that doesn't necessarily make or break my decision to be with him, either.

Guys can also smell heavy of what is probably testosterone, and I find I get more nervous around those types.

That's pretty helpful and about answers my question, I'll keep it in mind, though what I always thought was my biggest problem with meeting women in college was my interests. I have a hard time discussing things apart from what interests me because I feel like I'm not being honest with myself if I'm not speaking of what I feel passionate about.

I rarely share interests with women on matters of academia, which I consider to be the very point of college. I'm doing a maths course in college and the great majority of students are male, and there appears to be an even greater dominance among those who become mathematicians. Other areas I might pursue further are logic, computer science and natural language semantics, all of which are also very male-dominated.

I am interested in politics but do not feel comfortable committing myself to a clique. I am interested in music but do not play an instrument. I will go out but I don't drink, and living in Dublin that means there's only so much I can enjoy on such occasions. That nearly covers everything. I can't relate to most women on even one of the above points.


I approach women if a) I feel like I can relate to them on one of the above points, and b) they kind of do it for me physically, which applies to a lot of women but not all. In three years of college I've met a few women who meet the above criteria but they've all either been taken for the long run or seemed uncomfortable in my company for one reason or another. I'm in my final year and getting kind of antsy about that now, especially after being let down badly online over the summer.

I'm not shy but I'm somewhat nervous and awkward socially with people who aren't my friends, male and female. I've always been self-conscious about hurting people's feelings or being too intrusive. So yes that means most of my friends had a bit of a "breaking in" period as well. It sort of intensifies when I'm with attractive women because I feel like the stakes are higher.

i know that smell, luckily i'm a complete girl so i don't have that problem XD

The great Catch-22 of (single) Aspie guys: "I want a relationship because I feel insecure without one, but no woman wants a relationship with an insecure guy."

did you see that youtube clip of a guy who owned like 100 japanese sex dolls? and they were all sitting in his living room! i think he pretty much got it right XD

anyway, i assumed cybermen had no need for sex, just, ya know, world domination and assimilation and all that ^.^ x

lol, wasn't aware testosterone actually had a smell.