Friend zone.. it is one-sided?

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I recall that the first reason that pushed me away from islam was the amount of sexism in its context ...


huh? why I am even trying to justify myself and waste my time with someone who thinks herself as psychologist and capable to judge on ppl's intentions?


whatever I say , whatever I do , you would always see me as a sexist in denial because somehow you put that idea in your mind , you believe that I am from a sexist culture, raised in sexist family , brainwashed with sexist values , believe in sexist gender roles and thus I am cocooned with sexism even If I promote gender's equality or say things that contradict sexism.

bug off!

not to do with your culture, Ive met lots of middle eastern men who are not sexist at all.
more to do with you saying this to me



if you cant see how sexist and offensive that is.....

Oh .... I see now ...you took that comment to the heart and judged it as sexist.

Look, some social rules are sexist like the "man must initiates first" principle or like "fat men are not the most desired" or 'people avoid engaging with single parents' ...those are social crappy facts , they are not good for both genders but we both have to live with such crap.

ok you can be be chaser too on dating sites ....


regards,

Why would a woman make it clear she's not interested if she doesn't know you are? For all a woman knows, the guy just wants to be friends, unless he makes it clear he's interested in more.

I've actually had several friendships with guys that went on a long time and ultimately ended when the guy finally explicitly expressed he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I ended up getting hurt too when the friendship ended. To me it was as if the guy didn't value the friendship without the sex. I also felt betrayed because the guy was not expressing his true feelings about me along the way.

I don't think it matters. She's not interested. Go on with your life.

Now, if you're wondering if you could be attractive to a different woman, I'm sure you could.

I'd really like to recommend the book "Getting the Love You Want." It was written for married couples, but provides great insight into what causes people to be attracted to each other. After reading that book you'll realize that when someone's not attracted to you, it really does have nothing to do with you.

Ya know, thats one of the most common problems now days,
women anymore most always say they want to be friends first,
the guy becomes a friend and in time feels hey this might work,
so they take the next step in hopes of something real and lasting,
and they get shot down and dumped and lose that friend.
why bother trying to be a friend first if this is how its most always going to end.
why listen to the women say lets be friends first and we will see how it goes when it
most always ends the same way, once friends always friends nothing more comes of it.
if he had expressed his true feelings sooner would have the friendship ended sooner?

In my cases, I never said I wanted to be friends first. I didn't even know the guy was interested in more than friendship.

Also, I never shot anyone down or dumped anyone. Once the guys let their true feelings be known it was if they just couldn't deal with my not returning their feelings. If someone keeps insisting that I should feel differently, then yeah, I'm not going to want to be around that person. I want to be around people who accept me for who I am and what I feel.

If these guys had made it clear that they were interested in an intimate relationship in the beginning, I don't think the friendship would have progressed the same way. I being upfront would have saved everyone time and heartache.

That's why why guys should be honest in the very beginning

but it's not always like this wrongshoes ...sometimes a guy or girl may fall for the other during the friendship and not before it .

Have you considered the possibility that you might have grown on him, that perhaps he did not want a relationship from the start, that his initial interest in friendship might have been genuine? I can only speak for myself but not all men decide within split seconds of meeting someone whether they would want to date her or just be friends or nothing at all.
You sound like you valued the friendship - but how did you behave after you were told he wanted to date you? Perhaps he thought that you were no longer interested in friendship.
I've had the reverse experience of you - I became friends with a girl towards whom I initially felt no attraction, over time she grew on me, eventually I asked her out. That she was angry thinking I had deceived her initially was bad enough; she actually asked me that directly - why ask a question when you won't believe the answer anyway? It would have been bad enough if she had just cut off all contact, more insulting that she claimed to want to continue the friendship, but the worst is that what she really wanted (as her actions have amply demonstrated) was to keep me as a friend for the purpose of asking for favours, but for anything else she would turn to her real friends. I have decided to pay her back in kind: being a hypocrite towards her, but if she wants favours, I won't do it unless there's something in it for me. Yes, this has made me wary of friendship with girls (perhaps your own experiences have made you wary of friendship with men?) - I will keep the female friends I have, but I will try to make new friendships only with men.

sorry LPP, I am being overly harsh and judgemental, my bad

Yes, I suppose that's a possibility, but in that case, I guess the guy shouldn't act surprised or hurt when the girl's feelings didn't progress the same way.

I should have responded to this part too. I think after the guy's feelings for me came out there was an additional element of being encouraged by the guy to take things in a different direction, which I did resent. That's where things began to break down. If the guy had been like, "Okay, you're not interested, I'll drop it," then I would have been fine continuing the relationship.

My experiences of (I think pretty much all) the close friendships I've had with men ultimately leading to their interest in intimacy (and my disinterest) has made me believe that heterosexual men and women can't be close friends without eventually becoming "more than friends" or one person wanting to and the other not. Now that I'm married (to a man) I pretty much don't pursue friendships with men at all, knowing this.

BTW, my relationship with my DH began with the expectation of being more than just friends, probably from the second time we saw each other.

"I think after the guy's feeling for me came out there was an additional element of being encouraged by the guy to take things in a different direction".
Can I ask, was this the guy trying to be coercive or overly persuasive?? Like, trying to convince you that you do actually feel the same way?

Because this girl I said that I'm friends with, that I expressed an interest in, since she told me she wasn't interested, I've been mildly flirting with her since doing so. I havn't done the above, I havn't tried to force anything other than friendship on her, but now I'm wondering, will me being flirty with her be making her feel awkward and uncomfortable, putting a strain on our friendship?

Last edited by bunny-in-the-moon on 11 Oct 2008, 5:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sadly, this is usually the case.

Dignity??????? What on earth is that???????????

It was more like the guy just kept bringing up how he felt about me, which I took to mean he was not wanting to accept my feelings. It may have all just been my perception, but I took it as pressure to change my feelings.

If I were you I'd stop flirting, if she expresses not being interest in that kind of interaction.

If it's totally casual and she plays along, it is probably fine.