Meaning, the last email after my previous two went unanswered to the girl I'd been seeing for about a year. We met online and then in person shortly thereafter and we pulled off long weekends (we lived four hours apart) almost every week for seven months. We flew to visit my parents and I introduced her to the people who are important to me in my hometown. I honestly thought we would be married and I know she thought so too. She's quiet and into books, likes to hole up in her room, and is the person with whom I've had the easiest time in my life just being around without feeling as though I had to "perform" socially and she was completely accepting of my idiosyncracies. A few months ago, I moved (with the plan being for her to eventually move here also) a thousand miles even further away... and change isn't good for me... especially when it was two months after this move that I discovered Asperger's and realized I have it. So, change plus this at one moment relieving and the next maddening realization... and I became Mr. Indifferent... wanting to be left alone and expressing my doubts to her about the relationship. She stuck through, though... the plan was for her to come visit so we could discuss things. But apparently something changed a few weeks ago. Perhaps it was something in my correspondence (or lack thereof) or maybe it was a realization on her part that it wasn't worth the struggle anymore... I don't know and probably never will.
Now, I'm sitting in a city where I don't have a real friend and find that I've pushed away the only one I did have. I'm posting on a message board where I don't know anyone because I'm so socially inept that at the message board I frequent where I am known, I have alienated myself into a position where no one has any sympathy for any suffering I may endure. As for hope, I know that a better future can exist but I harbor a grave reservation about whether or not I will be able to overcome the obstacles my neurology present in order to achieve it. From this place where all I have left of something that once held so much promise of real happiness in life is this pathetic digital shadow, I'm having trouble seeing anything but continued loneliness.
Quote:
S_____,
I had been looking forward to your visit and am sorry that it will not be
happening, that we will not have the chance to talk things over, and that I
won't be spending the week showing you around ________. I am more sorry that I
have hurt you so much that you have apparently decided it is in your best
interest to not have any further contact with me. Unfortunately, I can offer no
criticism and think that such a decision is correct. I have no doubt that you
will be able to find someone who will value you more than I would ever be able
to and will also be quite adamant in the demonstration thereof, leaving you
without the unnecessary grief of doubt that I presented. You deserve it, S_____.
You're a wonderful person and I am very thankful for the time we spent together.
If you wouldn't mind, I would greatly appreciate it if you would just send a
blank email to let me know you read this.
Goodbye, S_____.
09 Feb 2006, 2:32 am
