Crossing from friend to potential mate

Post Reply New Topic

Brian,

What are your goals? You want to just hook up? Then that Alpha Male thing is the way to go. You want to have a relationship? Well, assuming you are an Aspie, that way won't work. NT's can do it, but...

What you can do is be a friend. You are already doing that. Keep it up. What you can't do is try to move the process along. All that will get you is the Talk. You know. "You are a wonderful guy and our friendship is very dear to me. But, it would only be ruined if we get involved...". Personally, I'd rather stab knitting needles in my eyes than go through that again. Nope, you just have to only fantasize about that part. Do make it clear you aren't gay. Even ask her advice about women.

Sooner or later, though, one or more will start to wonder why all guys are jerks and decide to call you and talk about it. Mid-way through dialing she thinks "wait a minute"...

She probably will try to flirt or send those secret messages about how she is thinking differently about you. But, as an Aspie, you will probably miss all that. Trust me on this. If you think she is coming onto to you, she probably isn't. If she seems to be acting sort of strange when you around, she could be. Might not, though. NT can be real subtle when they put their minds to it. If she is interested, then y'all will have The Talk. At some point in the conversation, she will lower her eyes and wonder where y'alls relationship is going. This isn't necessarily a green light, so take it cautious. Come back with something like "platonic or...?". If she answers "of course", well, better luck next time. If she answers virtually anything else, try to avoid spitting your drink all over her, although she might find it charming.

So, it can happen. Not often, I admit. But it is great grounds for starting a really solid relationship because you aren't trying to pretend you are someone who you aren't.

The "overly nice" thing doesn't usually work to well. For some NT's tend to need drama, even if it is subtle and fleeting.

Anyway, to eleaborate on what CJBinks said, some things to look for to see if a girl is interested:
- frequently playing with her hair or wrists
- (apperently) deliberately exposing her neck toward you
- If she is talking to someone else, are her feet still pointing toward you.

If she frequently does these things, she is probably entertaining the posibility of being more than friends.

So, the key is a compromise between continuing to be her friend and hinting at one's darker side to provide her with some excitement, without going over boar? Interesting.

While long being a friend, I have occasionally tried this technique; perhaps it shall pay off some day.

That line is a very hard one to cross. God knows I've been trying to do it for years without success.
Any ways from personal experience I know that the "being nice" route doesn't work. You can still be generous, a good listener, ETC but overdoing it gets you no where. Usually it just gets you used and abused.

Watching for signs interest is of course difficult for us aspies but I find a good sign of some kind of interest is teasing. playful sarcastic banter or other forms of teasing may or may not be a sign of interest. I sure as hell felt this young lady at work was interested in me but I didn't pursue her due to an age gap and not really knowing what the next step would be.

Just cross. If she tells you to step off, you know where you stand.

Body language is overrated, just listen for the cues. If you've got a lot of moments of silence, then feel free to break the tension. It's worth a go even if you get slapped.

It's a frustrating, sh*tty system for sure. If you're nice, they reject you. I've had a couple of women who liked me, and after one outing, they've seen enough. No one wants to bother.

Male and Female aspies alike, we have advantages. We're smarter, and I think overall we're better human beings. No subterfuge, no BS. We're not as good as expressing emotions, but then again, that's a gift NTs have squandered to manipulate and abuse others. I for one can't wait until I'm in the position where I can turn the tables on people, and I can do the rejecting.

I like to become friends with a guy before deciding if I like him enough to take it any further, as the saying goes. This doesn't always work in my favor because the guys assume they are "stuck in the friend zone" and / or get involved with another woman while I'm just starting to decide I really like them as more than a friend. But I'm not a typical woman, or so I'm told.

Then, when I do have a boyfriend, I've often ended up in the opposite situation. When a relationship doesn't work out, I really like to remain friends, but this can be confusing and complicated, especially at first. However, it has worked in a couple of instances. I have some exes who are now great friends.

The only advice I can think of is to be patient.