Never had a girl friend.

Post Reply New Topic

I only think I meet an average of two new women per week or so during term time if that's what you mean, but if you mean who I get to see in a week then more than a dozen. And at least half of them are interesting for me, though most are already taken (and in many cases have been in the same relationship for over a year).

It depends on what you mean by "likes". I usually gauge this by how much overt interest is expressed, but they could still like me as more of a friend and that has been the case before. I'm pretty sure I can now work out which girls don't like me much on any level and are just being polite, at least in most cases, but that's the greatest extent of it.

There are three circumstances in which I usually meet women (which are how I meet everyone): in my classes, or in society events, or through friends of people I know from classes or society events.

22, in my final year in college, and I live with my parents.

Last edited by Hector on 23 Jan 2009, 11:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hmm, well, most of the above sounds normal, and it sounds like you have an active social life. One thing I would say is that it's all about sample size, meaning you should meet as many as possible, but at 2 new women a week, you're pacing at 100 a year, which is pretty good -- out of that sample, at least one or two should be connecting with you. It would have been better if you lived at school or with friends, rather than your parents, just for the immersive effect, so you may want to move out at some point into a building with lots of people your age. You'll meet far more people that way.

Which brings me to one thing you said -- that you gauge by how much overt interest is expressed. If there's one thing women are not, it's overt or expressive when it comes to guys they like or want. Women are very subtle, and express such things in very covert ways. Amongst themselves, this works very well, and they can interpret easily another woman's signals (to the point that they can often tell you a girl is about to become your girlfriend before you even know it). With men, very different, studies have shown that the NT population have a 50% chance of misinterpreting female signals of interest -- add in the AS effect, and it gets worse. I think this really is the issue for a lot of guys (and some girls) here -- we're just not getting the green light signal on the ones that are sending it, and misinterpreting it for the ones that just want to be friends.

I've gotten somewhat better about it in the past 10 or so years, so here's what I think you should look for:

-Lots of eye contact from a girl -- they don't do this with someone they aren't interested in.
-Lots of attention, period, from a girl -- they don't give attention to those they don't like. If she's all in your business, or always wants to know what you did lately and actually remembers and seems to care, it's a sign.
-her touching you with any kind of frequency -- big sign, usually.

Like I said, it's going to be subtle, and pretty much never will they out and out say "I like you" until way into dating. It's just not the way they are wired. The caveat to the above is that just because they are interested, doesn't mean anything will happen. You've got to play it right, demonstrate some value, and be a nice person. They might also be involved, but you should stay in the wings for when that relationship ends. Also, don't be negative, because it's very toxic, and women hate it, so if you're depressed or anything, get it treated!! !!

Anyways, just my 2 cents, because I was in that same situation, and it sucked, but I got through it, and things are much better since. At your age women still have a lot of the power, but rest assured that by the time you are 30, this will have completely changed, and you'll see women desperate to get married and have kids. You won't believe it, but listen to the voice of experience, the older a guy gets, the better value he is to a woman. You might just look too young right now, but you'll hit your stride.

There are plenty of women who I read as giving me the first two, which is usually what I go by though as I said I find it can be misleading. That said, nobody ever touches me - not that I tell them not to, it just never happens, and I don't actually recall seeing people touching each-other at all until suddenly they're in a relationship and all over each-other. There have been some exceptions, but they're usually from people who are far more "touchy" than most of my peers seem comfortable with. That could well be me being naïve because of how little experience I have, but it might also be a cultural difference since I live in Ireland. I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable touching a girl I know on the arm or something.

there is no point girls are not worth it they just want everything.

The standards are different between men and women. For an inexperienced girl, wanting to take things slow is many times considered natural and even classy, rather than just hopping in the sack. However, a grown man in his 20s or 30s who acts similarly and says "I'm inexperienced so we need to take things slowly" is probably not going to get such a favorable response in modern day society, lol

Another example is living with parents. An attractive girl, especially from an ethnic culture such as Asian, Latin, or Pacific Islander, will many times live with her parents well into her 20s, and it's considered natural and expected. Many male suitors even find this attractive, since there's something of an old-worldish, classy feel to it, rather than her wanting to spend her early 20s re-enacting the characters from "Sex and the City" (I'm saying this from an observer's point of view. I could care less how anyone chooses to live their life and go about their romantic relationships, male or female. Live and let live. It's all good.)

However, in modern civilized society (and especially in America), a guy who lives with his parents well into his 20s is usually considered pretty strange, and many people will assume that there's something wrong with him, or he has some kind of weird social issues which preclude him from going out, getting a place of his own, getting a lucrative job, and doing the classic "young American male making his fortune in the world" type escapade which is often expected of him once he reaches adulthood.

Often, if he fails to live up to this prototype, his value as a potential suitor will drop dramatically as he gets later into his 20s or early 30s. Unfortunately, working the day shift in a cubicle farm or behind the Kinko's counter when you're over 25 years old will not make you an attractive prospect.

Many times, except in the extremely rare cases of true, passionate, and unconditional love, it boils down to what each party can bring to the table (or at least in modern Western civilization).

I'm 17 and never had a gf (alright I'm still young but everybody I know has). The peer pressure towards gf/bf's/sex where I live is ridiculous for my age and I hate it. It makes me shy away from these kind of things even more than what I normally do.

i have never had a girlfriend not looking to get one it takes to much effort to get a girlfriend and you have to do all the work in the relationship.

I think I would function pretty well in an actual relationship. I just don't see how I can get that far.

Not like psychology is much better than astrology.

I am a girl and I don't want 'everything'.

Merle

In that case, if you're happy without one, don't succumb to the pressure. Everyone's different, and has different needs.

When I was 17, I think my main motivation for getting a GF was hormonal, rather than social (didn't have much of a social life). While it's a nice feather in your cap to have a GF with some groups, for me it was the ever-growing desire to get laid and have sexual experiences that pushed me out of my shell and into a mindset to get a GF. But everyone's different, and some folks don't have that much libido pushing them on.

Back in my teens, I was told that the hormones would go off "eventually". A decade later, they still haven't. I didn't really care for a girlfriend for a long time, but I would like to have one now for the "social" aspect, and the potential to have a family.

This is exactly my problem. I am 26 and have never had any romantic relations or whatever you call them but I feel now that I am too old to ever have any. I know 26 isn't so old but it's damn old to say you have never had any romantic interaction with someone of the opposite sex. I can't explain to a girl that I would really like to go out with her but I have never done this type of thing before and am much too nervous to enjoy it. Damn I feel sorry for myself now.

You can pursue relationships if you want...but a lot of people will tell you it's not all it's cracked up to be...
People who find relationships or even marriage don't always find true love.
Not that finding a relationship isn't worth trying.
Good luck with whatever you chose to do.

Have you considered just up and asking someone out? Nobody's life or safety is on the line here. The worst someone can say to you is no.

It's so hard to read these posts sometimes, because I can totally relate in some ways to when I felt like that (albeit at an earlier age), so I feel both sympathy and frustration. Anxiety disorders are crippling, and they discourage exactly the type of behaviors you need to break through them.

The main thing seems to be a lot of overthinking, which of course is quite normal for AS and for those with anxiety disorders. This leads to a spiral of overreaction/nonaction, self-monitoring, and helplessness in the face of opportunity, triggering more loneliness and self consciousness. It's like a Catch-22 -- you can't get confidence without the girl, but you can't get the girl without confidence.

I would recommend two things --

Treatment/Therapy -- you need to have a professional help you deal with the anxiety. It's not going to get any better on its own, and it is something that is getting in the way of your happiness as a normal person. It's not too late, and 26 is still very young. You'll regret it if you don't.

Self-development -- make sure you're a happy person with or without someone else's love. If you make your happiness totally dependent on that, you'll end up putting a lot of extra pressure on that person, and will drive them away or end up with someone who in turn is very clingy/smothering. People are attracted to other people who are happy, so make sure you have other hobbies, and friends in those hobbies you can do stuff with.

Finally, I would say you should resist the urge to confess your problems or issues to someone you are courting. It's a lot of pressure, and it makes you look like a lemon or self-obsessed. Just think about having a good time when you're with someone, rather than worrying about staving off bad perceptions of you, or that they'll see through you to the "truth". Leave some mystery for them, and know that once you get momentum, you'll be a lot more confident and these worries will have seemed pointless.