Foreign wives more common for those with AS?

Post Reply New Topic

Shame he's not Mexican. Mexicans seem to think it's their divine right to enter the USA at will and the liberal elite has capitulated to them. I'm sure we will see an amnesty for illegal Mexicans soon. It annoys me that my mother (a New Zealander) was treated like dirt by UK immigration despite doing everything by the book, whereas more trendy immigrants (i.e. non-white ones) get rewarded for their disobedience of immigration rules when they come to the UK illegally.

I'm an American Aspie male and have lived in three other countries (Liberia, Micronesia and Japan). I had the best times of my life in those places. I didn't know I was Asperger's at the time, just that I was different than my American peers and couldn't really relate to them. I thought it was because I spent my formative adolescent years in Liberia as a kid, and when I returned to the U.S. I was in "reverse culture shock."

Looking back now, I think I enjoyed life abroad so much because people didn't see me has odd. If my approach to things was odd or unexpected, they thought it was because I was a foreigner. They thought it was a cultural difference, not a personality thing, and they accepted it. "He's a strange foreigner, but he's a good guy and he's our friend." The fact that there was a language barrier also helped. The local person and I had to work hard to communicate with each other-- if I missed some communication nuances and cues, so did the NT local person! So I got to know people really well, person to person.

Anyway, to answer the question: Yes, I think it might marriage to someone outside one's culture might be easier for someone with Asperger's. (I'm married to an NT (but artistic) Japanese woman). And by the way, I think life in the U.S. or another modern First World western country is the very hardest for an Aspie. Here we have to be like social entrepreneurs, making our way on our own. In traditional societies like in Liberia and Micronesia you're a part of a group, and you're accepted for who you are. I especially think Japanese society is good, because it has more formalized, set ways of interacting. The idea is everyone is courteous to each other and nobody causes anybody else any embarrassment or discomfort. No need to do much thinking in social situations-- you know what to expect. It's really nice. (I'm talking about smaller cities or rural places in Japan. Tokyo and Osaka aren't the same).

I'm surprised about the part about Japan. I think I would find growing up in Japan very hard, because the Japanese have traditionally disapproved strongly of individualism. Also, I am aware that it is customary to spend several hours socialising with work colleagues every night if you work in a Japanese company and I would find extremely hard. Given the sometimes excessive tendency to confuse courtesy with formalities in Japan (e.g. all the petty rules like what angle you bow to), I think I would probably be making blunders all the time if I had grown up as a local.

What you're describing is very similar to what I experience here in the Middle East. People either don't notice or overlook strange behaviors because they assume, "oh, he's just an awkward foreigner". The people I've become good friends with here are able to notice (and sometimes point out) when I'm doing something odd, but my relationship with them is good enough that they aren't put off by it and just think of it as being a quirk.

An AS man will typically say this... but for most of them, it lasts only until the woman he's romantically involved with has the nerve to disagree with him. When trying to argue her down doesn't work, he browbeats her, insults her, and harasses her until...

1) She pretends to agree with him, just to get him to shut up,
2) She has a meltdown and tells him off (he'll withdraw in response, but will continue to browbeat her over the issue in the future, once he thinks she's calmed down)
3) She kicks him to the curb, or
4) It becomes obvious that she's not going to change her opinion no matter how much he verbally abuses her. Then he dismisses her as being 'not compatible' to him.

In my experience, most AS men's idea of an 'intelligent woman who can think for herself' is pretty much equivalent to 'me, only with tits'. If she actually thinks for herself, watch out!

I see nothing wrong with having a wife who can think for herself. The wife described in Proverbs 31:10-31 is certainly not a meek unintelligent woman. I don't believe my well fit Colombian girlfriend shown in the earlier photos is someone who would allow a man to mess her around.

I don't know where you came to the conclusion that relationships involving AS men tend to be as dysfunctional as you described.

I think this post is complete and total bullocks, personally. Heaven forbid a couple be able to debate and possibly argue and then reach a mutual decision. My husband and I do it all the time.


Oh no a woman might have an opinion of her own!? Oh my god!

Welcome to the 21st century.

Personal experience, coupled with similar experiences of other women. Seriously, look around these boards. How many guys do you see whining that they're tired of being alone... but have nothing to offer a prospective mate but an opportunity to serve his needs at her own expense, coupled with near-constant emotional abuse?



The "has the nerve" part was sarcasm. Apparently, you didn't catch that.

Who said the guys posting on the board are representative of the aspie community as a whole?

I think there are various things that men on the autistic spectrum may sometimes be more likely to offer.
1) Fidelity. Maxine Aston claims in one of her books that 80% of the wives she counsels are 100% convinced of their husbands' fidelity. Also, I believe that many men on the autistic spectrum simply would not enjoy having an affair, regardless of how dissatisfied they were with their marriages, because the insecurity (as opposed to thrill, which many other men feel) associated with the possibility of being caught will often outweigh any benefits of committing adultery.
2) Staying power. Given the intransigence that comes with autism spectrum conditions, I believe many autistic men would stay around even if they were really unhappy in their marriages, because the idea of a change is even less appealing.
3) Honesty. If the wife can make him feel at ease, then there are few matters that he is likely to be unwilling to discuss with her. For instance, if she asks the question about her appearance, her husband may be more willing to say what he likes or dislikes about it, rather than allowing her to unknowingly make a faux-pas, although I do personally get tired of women who ask questions about their appearance, but instead of being genuinely interested in the respondent's opinion, they are after someone who will endorse their choice.
4) Intimacy. If she can make him feel at ease, he might be more willing to reveal his inner self to her.
5) Lack of hypocrisy. In an article by the NAS, the author mentioned that autistic children aren't so willing to participate in worship just for the sake of keeping up appearances. As a Christian, Matthew 6:5-8 meant that I was inclined to e-mail her to express my view that this is a positive trait of autism if the children aren't willing to participate in acts of religious worship in order to be seen by others. Applying this to relationships, pretending to be someone you aren't is never desirable long-term.

Yes, because she thinks the odds of him finding another woman who will put up with him are slim to none. It shows her very low opinion of him and his desirability, and since when was that a good thing?

As for her, she is desperately hoping that with enough love and acceptance, he'll finally "get it" and start behaving in a more normal and natural way. Since she's already invested so much time and effort, she's hesitant to leave. Not only would leaving be admitting defeat, but it also means that she's wasted all that time she spent trying to help him become more functional. After all, the day he finally "gets it" might be tomorrow!

In many ways, it's identical to the "chasing" behaviors common to problem gamblers.



Yes, because he also thinks the odds of him finding another woman who will have him are slim to none. In other words, he considers it as a choice between this particular woman and being forever alone, making him less apt to leave. This is bitterness, desperation, and low self-esteem, and that's not a good thing either.



Yes, god forbid she seek reassurance or validation (which she has a RIGHT to recieve), because he'd sooner be cold, remote, and rejecting, in the name of being "good". If he really wanted to be good, he'd give her what she needs and deserves. Of course, that would require him to see he and her as a INTERCONNECTED UNIT, rather than as two completely seperate individuals holding each other at arm's length, coldly examining the other for flaws, and then being so idiotic as to pass such disgustingly dysfunctional behavior off as a virtue. She deserves more than just being a checkmark beside the word "Girlfriend" on somebody else's "See, I'm not a Loser! Really!" sheet.



And the vast majority of the time, when he 'reveals his inner self', it's little more than an exhaustive lecture on a topic which has all the humanistic appeal of the Chernobyl disaster. Just because he cares about mandrake roots for Linux (or whatever) doesn't give him carte blanche to inflict it on others for hours on end. There's really no excuse for that, either. The signs of listener boredom (changing the subject, sighing, focusing attention on something else (like the television), not responding verbally, walking away, making excuses as to why they have to leave, etc. are very difficult to miss if you're looking.

I guess you just have to care enough to look.



Oh yes, a lack of hypocrisy... which is of course why he demands his feelings be treated like a priceless Ming dynasty vase, but refuses to even pause and consider the feelings of others before he speaks. That's also why he expects his partner to give and give, endlessly sacrificing her own desires, priorities, and needs, but acts like a toddler who has missed his naptime if she expects anything in return. That is, if he doesn't just shut down completely in response and sit there like a lump on a stump.

Give me a break.

Here are some responses to the responses: -

1) This idea that women are motivated to stay with a man out of condescension and pity is rather strange. Some women might be motivated to stay out of their views on the sanctity of marriage, but I seriously doubt that many women would be motivated to stay with a man for the reasons you mentioned.

2) Whilst I disapprove extremely strongly of people who divorce without an exceptionally good reason why, in the context of not-yet-married relationships, I agree that it is sad when someone stays in an undesirable relationship because of a lack of self-confidence in his/her ability to find another partner.

3) In response to your comments about A.S. men supposedly just putting their wives down for no reason, I would say that for the ideal situation I described to occur, it is desirable if the wife is completely clear about when she wants reassurance, when she genuinely wants to know his opinion or when she wants something completely different. Also, I don't believe all A.S. men go out of their way to put their wives down like you described. A genuine and kind A.S. man will sometimes make mistakes and say inappropriate things without trying to hurt anyone, but will still have a genuine desire to make her happy: - this is something I am trying to convince my girlfriend of.

4) If someone is boring you intensely, then the wise thing to do is to steer the subject away from the boring topic or ask the other person if that doesn't work. Couples where one spouse has A.S. need to find common subjects of interest to talk about just like anyone else. Whilst an A.S. man will often make the faux-pas of talking too much about subjects that others aren't interested in, an A.S. man who genuinely loves his wife will not continue to drivel on about the subject after she has politely explained that she doesn't want to discuss it further because the topic simply isn't of interest to her.

5) This sounds a lot like how my girlfriend is behaving with me at the moment, so it is not unique to people on the autistic spectrum. She is the neurotypical and not me, but I often feel I am walking on eggshells and turning the other cheek more often than is normal in the context of a healthy relationship. I love her and I really want to make her happy, but this past week, she has been refusing to speak to me for really trivial reasons and I am feeling like I do all the work in the relationship.

It is true that most marriages abroad that are in non-anglo countries for american aspie males who are expats are less likely to end up in divorce because the foreign women have a different mindset, attitude, and they generally are more tolerant towards foreign men even if they make a mistake. it takes time for the men to adapt to a different culture that they are not use to.

For Example: your foreign wife is a NT and you are an aspie american man who is involved in a marriage, she has more tolerance for a foreign man since he may not always be familiar with the native culture.

Quite possibly, many women of some countries have very different cultural values including those surrounding marriage. Alot of asian women are said to make good wifes, not just traditional values but loyal.

The best relationship I've had was with a filipino girl. My experience is that asian women are generally more tolerant of my aspie traits.

Conversely, I'm also curious about Foreign/Immigrant men who have AS. Are they more likely to marry women from the local culture? Their own culture? Or a different foreign culture? At least compared to NT men from their country.

I remember reading this in Farmelo's book. I feel exactly the same way; I've always got on better with foreign women/women from ethnic minority groups, and found them more attractive. For me, it's that foreigners seem to have stronger moral values than my own countrymen, as well as having cultures that haven't been decimated like my own - and, well, are simply more interesting.