Another year gone, still alone...

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ToadOfSteel --

First, you say you're at church all the time -- are there no women at church? Do you have no friends at that church who can introduce you to someone? I find it hard to believe you spend all your time there, yet somehow are totally isolated. Seems like Church is the place to find someone in your same mindset.

I'm not trying to be patronizing, but if you're posting here, you're either posting to vent and b***h, or to get advice. I'm offering the latter -- if you don't want it, don't read it, or don't post your dirty laundry for the world to see and opine on.

Here's my deal -- slightly AS, socially isolated from about age 11 on to the present, not a ton of friends, and I seem to lose them as easily as I get them. I'm also pretty picky about what I'm comfortable doing, so I turn down a lot of social opportunities I think are "stupid" or just "not worth my time", or that I'm uncomfortable with. I like doing things by myself, playing games on PC and console, flight simulators, plane watching at airports, watching movies on my couch, and doing some outdoors stuff, like hiking and shooting guns. Despite all these loner/typical AS hobbies, I have a beautiful wife (everyone tells me so) who is perfectly happy with me as I am, and in fact feels threatened when I try to be more social or deviate from my lifestyle. And I've actually cheated on her twice in our relationship with other women who were willing, desperate even, to break into my sad little life and share it with me. You wouldn't believe how much I've been hit on since I got into this relationship.

And that's what makes it so amazing -- for the 3 years before it, I had an incredibly lonely and depressing life, and was always in the dumps. My friends were users, and women used me to help them study or for attention, but with no payoff. I had a hard time meeting people, and all the girls I met were in relationships. While I did have a GF in high school (I'm a tall, decent-looking guy), she pretty much went after me and was the aggressive one, and after I ended the relationship, I couldn't seem to get what I wanted. I realized many years later that I was sabotaging myself by being depressed and overly picky, and by not doing what I needed to do to make things happen. It's also a fact that as soon as you get happy, especially in a relationship, other women pick up on that, and want you.

I do wish I knew more about you, but from what you've said, I think you're just too young to have full perspective on life. Some of the things you assume about the world, e.g. "a man also needs insane amounts of cash, the ability to bench 300 pounds, or some claim to national fame...[to get a girl]" are just not true. It's maybe true if you're trying to attract an immature 16 year old girl with daddy issues and an empty head, or some sorority girl idiot, but if you want someone who is actually going to like you for who you are, rest assured that guys in their 20s and older (much, much older even) get laid regularly by just having a decent job and a normal physique. College dating reality is not reality for the rest of life, and women lose a lot of bargaining power in their 20s and beyond.

And RE: the 4:1 guy/girl ratio at your school - so what? Be the guy who gets the girl, so many of those engineer/IT types are too wussy to actually make the move, and a lot of girls in those kinds of classes are underappreciated. And it's your choice to spend so much time in church -- who says God wants that of you? Surely He would afford you some time to go forth and multiply, no?

i left school early and tried college but it didn't work, colleges over here in the UK are different to most and we don't tend to have many with dorms or areas where you're 'forced' to mingle. i've considered it but i'd be the type who keeps his head down and either try to enjoy the work or get depressed about someone trying to have a laugh and me taking it as something else.

the hobbies i have don't help either as the ones i'm interested in are those i can't use to gain any social favour, because of my location and difficulties with society i can't find anywhere to act on the things i'd like to do.



ToadOfSteel, i agree with billsmithglendale about asking someone at church if they can introduce you to others to break the ice, are you friendly or get on with anyone there?

For some reason I would think the whole church thing would also make it easier...

After all, doesn't "God have a plan for you?"

And isn't there a priest or reverend you can go to with your concerns? I'm sure he'd have some comforting answers.

And there are plenty of people with my mindset around (the church is actually a great social structure for me), but nobody even remotely near my age. Once kids graduate from high school, they go off to college (I happen to commute to a local college, so I stuck around; most people go somewhere they can live at college), and I get to see such people once a year if I'm lucky (such as around Christmas)... It gets worse when they graduate from college, as people will drop off the radar entirely, with maybe a small chance of returning after being married with children (and the divorce rate in our church when both spouses are members is actually very low, especially when compared to the national average), but otherwise there's pretty much nobody in the 18-25 age range (which is what I consider my "datable" age range to be) around...


If you knew how many times I've heard the "there's someone out there for you" BS, you would understand...


I've yet to see any evidence of a woman liking me merely for who I am... every time a woman has shown interest, it was because she was trying to use me for something...


I already know that from experience... being one of those engineer/IT types...


The church is also the only place (in real life; I guess wrongplanet also applies if you count the internet) where I am at the very least accepted for who I am, without prejudice. The only other times I ever get accepted into anything social, it's probably because someone wants me to fix their computer...

Funny, when I was in your same mindset, I was in a similar situation --

Going to community college, and living with my parents, while all my friends were at 4 years and living there. It's like I stopped existing anymore, and the only friends going to school with me turned out to be losers, users, and bad news for me. Community college has almost none of the school atmosphere real colleges has, so it was a pretty lonely experience, though I do see now the opportunities I missed.

The "There's someone out there for you" line is cliche, but it's not BS, it's the honest truth. There's a surplus of women compared to men, and I can guarantee there is someone for you. Your religious beliefs should confirm this -- you're fearing the worst when you are worshiping a God that teaches you to believe in the best and trust in His will. Mind you, I'm not religious, but this is how I understand the teachings of the Church to be.

Users take advantage of people they see as vulnerable, and guys in their late teens or early 20s who are socially isolated are good "marks" for them. So yeah, watch out for the users, but understand that any relationship will be mutually parasitic in some way, so don't totally shy away from someone who wants a little bit of something from you -- sometimes they will pay it back in a big way.

And yep, I assumed you were one of the engineer/IT types (I work with them, my father was one, and I have some as friends), and I'm always amazed how passive they are, or so shy. Compared to the rest of the population, they seem identical, except that while the rest of the population tries often enough to finally get laid, these guys don't -- yet many of them still eventually get married and become happy. And someone is dating those dorky IT/Engineer chicks -- why not you? I have an Asian fetish, and a lot of them I know who fall into that category seem like easy lays to me. Way underappreciated, many seem like they are probably AS, and seem like they need a guy in their life who has the balls to ask them out.

Just stop believing all the BS you see on TV (especially MTV) and the media about what a normal life is, or when you should be dating, or how many GF's you should have had by now, or what desireable traits are in men. All of that stuff is BS propaganda cooked up to keep you watching long enough to throw commercials at you (and I should know, I'm in the Online Ad business). Lots of guys don't get laid when they are young, and then get laid a lot when they are older. Lots of guys also have peaks and troughs in their lives where things are bad and got better, and vice versa. Just be ready to act when you come out of the trough, it's coming soon.

Gurus .....

A few things.

- It's not just about reproduction. If it was just about worrying about not reproducing then I have some advice. Go to a sperm bank. You get to possibly pass on your genes and you get free porn (at least I think you do, don't quote me on that).

- Being alone isn't just about not getting laid. It's also about never having any friends whatsoever, and it really sucks. Yet all we want to talk about is the sex part of this.

- God doesn't guarantee guys p**** in all of His plans.

- Even if the advice was mostly BS clichés, at least someone cares enough to answer.

- One thing that billsmithglendale is right about is that you don't have to bench 300 lbs or be rich to find a girlfriend. I have roommates this year. I'm thinking of one of them i particular, he's about 5' 1", he's overweight, his personal hygiene is horrible, yet he has a reasonable looking girlfriend that he isn't even nice to. How he did it I have no idea.

Happy Belated Birthday Toad..............it's been awhile since I've been on, but I recall you being a total gentleman and all around nice guy. Just wait one day you will find the person that you just can't live without and they will feel the same way about you.

All I can say is to just try to enjoy being single as best you can. Hell, I'm 30, been on 4 dates in my entire life (never had a repeat date with the same girl/woman) and I don't buy the "there's someone for you, just wait" line either. I know several people, both men and women who are much older than me that never met anyone "special" either. While I haven't ruled out the possibility of meeting "someone special", I don't work towards it because it doesn't seem worth the effort, therefore, I don't expect or hope for it to just happen. Since I've realized that, I do feel a little happier than I did when I was stressed about it. Still, if a cute girl suddenly had a flat tire while driving past my house and came to my door for assistance and she started asking me about my special interests and we hit it off, I'm open to the possibility, but I just don't see that happening.

I think we create our own reality. If you believe it strongly enough, it will happen! And that means you have to get rid of all the negativity too.

Unfortunately, I'm a total realist. I don't generally consider myself to be pessimistic or anything. I try to be as neutral as possible. I don't like to hope for something unless it's something I can realistically expect to happen, but that doesn't mean I'm opposed to it happening or anything. I just need evidence. Unless there's a valid reason to expect change, it's probably foolish and ultimately disappointing to expect it. Believing hard enough in and of itself won't accomplish anything. I can believe as hard as anyone can possibly believe that a cute girl will have a flat tire in front of my house, etc, etc, etc but the odds of that happening are exactly the same as they are now. I don't think I'm being negative, just a realist.

I agree to a certain point with what you write, but you do have to show up! This means if the girl doesn't come to your house you may have to find her. There's millions of girls out there looking for a nice person to be in a relationship with. Aspergers causes communication problems, but it is still very much possible to find someone to love.

How would you propose I find such women, then? I have no idea where women my own age tend to gather...

Since my college is 4:1 male to female ratio (I don't even know anyone at my college anyway because I commute), I don't think getting a girlfriend at college is going to happen. As for my free time, much of it is spent at my church, and I've already said that I'm the sole representative of the 18-25 age range that is actively present...

It's a huge spectrum. For me, doing something I'm not interested in or something I need to do (like go to work) is almost excruciatingly painful. Following my interests does not lead me to meet women. I've learned and excepted this. Some people I know who are familiar with Aspergers have suggested things like going to bookstores or something. For me, unless there's a need to go to one, like I didn't think far enough ahead and order the next book in my series online, there's no need to go and the thought of going to one and wandering around aimlessly is borderline repulsing. It's similar to what I believe most Aspies go through with small talk. If they don't have a specific need to say/ask something, they won't. I'm the same way, but with activities as well. So it's not that I don't go any place, but that at the places/events I do go to are not viable to meeting women.

Is withdrawing from everything something all aspies do? I know an aspie that does this quite often, but I always suggest getting together or doing something that he enjoys when this happens. I still think you could find a female that was interested in the same things that you are.

I haven't ruled it out 100%. After 15 or so years of it not happening, I just have learned not to hope or expect it to. If it ever does happen, I will be pleasantly surprised.

I don't think I'm very withdrawn, just that I only focus on my interests. If one of my friends invited me over to play some board games or go to a movie or try a new restaurant, or go fishing (that's just an example, unfortunately, none of my friends fish so that's a solitary activity, however, if they did, it'd be sweet), I'd be up for it in a heartbeat.