Why do couples fight so much?

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I know that there can be many different reasons for setting it off, but it seems that people in relationships are like a "powder keg"... they're more prone to fighting and getting on each other's nerves. I've always wondered why. Is there some kind of "insecurity" which comes up in a relationship?

This is one of the reasons why I've given up on dating... "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

First of all, did you fight a lot since you've given up?

Couples fight because they disagree about something. It is that simple. The severity of the fight, though is ruled by numerous factors and human traits. Most fights could be avoided entirely by the simple act of tolerating each others opinions and maybe discuss your views in a mature fashion.

If one of you refuses to tolerate an opinion, or react badly to one, the fight is on. And if you look at the situation closely, you'll know who triggered it. It'll always be the first person to raise his/her voice.

No, because I've never been in a relationship before. But I know this is quite common... and I've seen my parents fight, and it could get pretty nasty... and they were happier together than most couples. I'm not a confrontational kind of guy, so I'd really like to avoid this crap.


True, but why does it tend to happen more often in relationships? Why doesn't it happen as much to other people who live together, such as roommates or even siblings?

Nobody are born confrontational mind you. Also, it's dangerous to attribute insecurity directly to AS. It's not a direct cause, but an indirect cause, meaning the lack of understanding people make you insecure over time. What I'm trying to say here, is that you can't learn to be with people (or women for that matter) by sitting at home playing playstation...

I'm aware of that (I'm actually a PC gamer.) But I fail to see how the slim chance of finding the right person (or even just "getting laid") is worth all the trouble.

people fight because they are caught up with themselves and their own ego and have not learned to love unconditionaly yet.

relationships offer a place to learn about love and compassion and how to nuture each others growth.

I don't know about roomates, but siblings definitely fight from time to time... I've been fighting ever since my younger brother was born... and I was 2 years old at the time...

I never said they "didn't"... it just doesn't seem to happen as often, after a while. At least in my experience. My brother and I do fight sometimes, but it's a lot less frequent now than when we were little. So I find it all the more puzzling that fully grown adults do it continuously when they're a couple.

couples often fight because they have a lot of work to do together, and they often disagree about how to do it.

With roommates or even siblings, there is more of an opportunity to just stay out of each other's way. People don't want a spouse or lover that ignores them much, though.

Also, there are usually a lot of differences between members of a couple, since opposites sort of attract sometimes.

I've had one relationship in my life. it was able to happen due to a lot of unusual circumstances that likely could not be repeated. If it ended, I doubt i would try to do it again. but it has been well worth the trouble it has involved.

Why do couples fight?

Because THEY CAN!

Now shutup and eat your cereal already! This is between me and dad.

Last edited by MissConstrue on 10 Mar 2009, 9:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

Good point, dalcassian. I guess part of the reason why my bro and I don't fight so often is because we generally stay out of each other's way. That's not as much an option for couples...

The better you know a person, the more you know about his/her bad sides.

For most people in this world, the amount of give-a-damn I have is pretty limited; it takes quite the trigger to cause a reaction by their behavior. Friends, family and the ilk... not only do I know them better, but I have expectations (I know, bad monkey) of their actions and responses. Most importantly, I care whether or not we are in agreement, that we understand each other, the fact that I care making it more probable that I will fight with them, because I will stand my ground and speak up to make sure that I am understood. It sounds sad, but if I didn't care I wouldn't fight - it just wouldn't matter to me.


M.

You know.. I always wondered this. Let me share my newfound insights.

Basically - two people are each individuals and they usually each have their own view on how things should go and it is impossible that these two ideas would be exactly the same. So when someone's ideas start conflicting with your ideas.. there can be trouble. For example let's say one of my ideas is a clean house and my signifigant other's idea is a slightly cluttered but homey place to relax. So I would end up constantly cleaning up after him and wondering why he doesn't pick up after himself and he really doesn't understand why there's an issue because the house still looks clean to him - and a fight can start and this fight can keep occuring over and over everytime he leaves some clutter around. Those are the most common types of fights. The one I gave above is, of course, just a silly example but I think it helps you to get the idea.

In these situations, one partner needs to bend, they cannot both have it their way. In a perfect world, it should really be both of them bending a little to meet in the middle, then no one gets 'their way' but they can both know that they are sacrificing for the relationship and eachother. Sometimes one partner does not bend enough and that makes the other feel resentful.

It can occur with much more serious issues as well. Sometimes it may be about kids, one partner may have a few children in their mental picture of their ideal family whereas the other may be dead-set on not wanting kids. In this situation it can be extremely difficult (or impossible) to adjust your mental picture to accomidate your spouse without feeling resentful or unfufilled.

Then there are just plain things like short tempers, annoying things your partner may do that gets on your nerves without meaning to, outside stresses that you both may be coping with that makes you short with eachother, and couple all this with the fact that none of us are mind-readers and we (especially us on this forum) may have difficulty communicating our mental pictures to our partners so our partner may not understand exactly what we want...

I think that about covers most of it.

I recognise that reference to one side or other in a couple feeling resentful to the other.

I really find it embarrassing when it shows itself when around couples who do the sniping thing at each other, as if they are a TV comedy couple, the cliché is just so …. clichéd. Putting each other down, shopping digs at the woman, beer / sports gibes at the guy.

It’s not funny it’s sad!

I agree with a lot of mitharatowen's post.

When a relationship starts to get relatively serious, there are so many decisions that have to be made jointly, far more than in any friendship. I'm looking at moving in with my boyfriend soon and I know that this will become even more the case. Where will we live, how will we decorate the place, who cleans, what do we eat for dinner, who do we invite round and when...

We don't argue, because both of us are quite soft, we'll give in if we feel like its our turn to. But I can see how, if both partners had quite a fiery temperament, there could be a lot of arguements. I know a lot of couples who argue incessently but it doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with their relationship, its just how they communicate.