First "I Love You"

Post Reply New Topic

I've been with my GF a couple of months now, and its all really uncharted territory for me. In my 20+ I've never had a relationship last this long or go this smoothly. So one of the upcoming roadblocks is the first "I love you." Should I wait and let her say it first, should I wait until some certain amount of time has passed, should I save it for a special occasion (ie: her upcoming birthday)? I really dont know what the norm is on stuff like this.

I am 38 years old, female, and was not very sharp emotionally nor relationally as a young person. (I got taken advantage of alot!) So I can relate to your insecurity about how to deal with this. (the longest relationship I had as a young person was 4-6 weeks! I just got sick of people very quickly!) I would recommend that you not proclaim "love" until a longer period of time has passed. Two months can seem like a long time, especially in comparison to past relationships, but it really is brief. Love is more than a feeling it's a mindset that affects your behavior toward that person and true love is unselfish, always having that other person's best in mind. This takes a while to cultivate and practice. The strong emotions of "love" are passionate and fluctuating. I think it's best to wait and see how things progress. You should let her know that you care about her. Don't hesitate to tell her why you like her. Be specific. Talk about her qualities and how you value them. Tell her that your affection for her grows daily and that you're begining to become very attatched to her or that she is becoming very important to you. These statements help define and solidify your relationship without jumping too fast into the "I love You" stage. Many girls feel that you are somehow pledging yourself to them when they hear these words and their expectations rise. Then, if the relationship stagnates or dissolves, they feel used and hurt. I hope this helps.

It depends if you do love her. Don't say it if you don't.

I never tell people I love them for some reason.. but I tell the cat an average 10 times a day.

10 times a day! Holy crap, that is stalker-crush frequency, pretty soon the cat will be phoning the police and asking for a restraining order against you!

The first 3-6 months of a new relationship is kind of like a "honeymoon" period. The relationship is new and exciting. Each person is doing everything to please the other. Everyone is on their best behavior. After about 3-6 months people become more comfortable, and start acting more like themselves again. That is when you will learn more about what your partner is really like. I agree with Bland that it is important to tell her how much you care for her and what it is that makes her special to you, but I would wait until after the "honeymoon" period is over to declare your love.

No-one has ever said that to me.

Please lets not turn this into another "no one loves me" or "I've never had a girlfriend" thread. There's already 50 of those on the go, so go pick one of those to go moan in. I hate to sound rude/blunt but it seems like every thread in the Romantic Relationships section goes down that route. We're all aspies here, we all suck at relationships.

The problem with telling her how much I care w/o saying I love you is that I suck at telling people how I feel, about anything. I tried to compliment her just the other day on how she looked and I botched it. It always seems easy in my head then when I go to spit it out my brain to voice box transmitter reorders the words so it doesnt make any sense.

The words "I love you" have never meant much to me. My poor husband can't figure out why I don't say it all the time and expects me to reply when he does. But they are just words. Anyone can say them, but it doesn't make them true.
I found that for me if I write how I feel it has more meaning. When we were dating, the first time my now husband said he loved me, I totally froze up. I panicked, because everyone who'd used those words before had lied to me. It took me 2 days to respond to him and it was in a song I wrote.
We now have 4 kids and have been married for 12 yrs. And I do love him, but I still am never the first to say it. It's hard to say it to my kids too.
Words are important, but actions mean more.

This advice is mainly for guys, but can apply to girls as well.

I strongly advise against saying "I love you" in the first two months of a relationship. In addition to still being in the "honeymoon phase" and not thinking clearly as a result, it also makes you look desperate. From a girl's point of view (especially an NT girl's), it makes you look like you haven't been with a girl in a long time. As a thread "What's wrong with innocence?" in the Romantic Forum points out, desperation is a very very bad thing for a guy to have.

This may sound stereotypical BUT it isn't that unusual for guys to be considered more reserved in expressing their feelings and not as comfortable at saying I love you or giving out compliments so that is not just an Aspie thing.

A problem with "I love you" is that it is extremely vague and ambiguous. I suspect that when people say it to a person, they are not really sure/clear what they mean anyway, so the statement does not have much value. And then if someone says it to you, who knows what precisely they mean? It could mean all sorts of things. Big potential for misinterpretation.

In another topic I was talking about emotional support. I guess "I love you" is a type of emotional support. This comment of mine does not mean much unless you read the other topic about emotional support:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/asperger.htm ... ic&t=12907

The first time I said that, it was to my mother.

I dont recall ever saying it to my mother, or father. I just dont express my emotion verbally. Rather I do it physically, by hugging, kissing, rubbing her back and all that stuff.

Plus I find a lot of people throw that expression around too freely. I know people who end every phone call with their parents with "I love you" as if it were expected. When you say it that often, it really means nothing.

Neither of us have been in a serious relationship before, so I know she's never said it to anyone anymore than I have. So I'm not worried about her thinking I'm desperate so much as just scaring her off by become too serious too quick.

only say 'i love you' when you actually mean it otherwise it won't come out right.
i don't like i when someone comes on too strong too early as it makes me back away.
i told my last boyfriend after 4 months in a nightclub-the loud music was handy because i thought if he looks horrified i can pretend i was saying something else! lol!