Providing "emotional support" to significant other

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I have just finished reading the book "Aspergers in Love" by Maxine Aston. One of the things it mentions several times is that aspies cannot provide "emotional support" to their Significant Others. However the book does not seem to have a definition or description of what constitutes "emotional support". It seems to be just simply assumed that the reader will know what is meant by it.

I have little real concept of what precisely "emotional support" is and how to provide it to someone or a loved one (which seems to support the books claim). Anyone want to attempt to explain it for me? This may be a bad place to ask :)

It suspiciously sounds like some pointless ritual nonsense that I must do to satisfy an inexplicable requirement. Although if I had a Significant Other who needed or wanted it, I would probably be willing to try doing it anyway, even if I see no direct value in it. Sometimes I think it is better to just sigh in resignation and tolerate minor human quirks or foibles than to try resisting them, and hopefully people will return the favor for me.

BUT other than the above vague suspicion, I do not really know what is meant by "emotional support" beyond reading the dictionary definitions of "emotional" and "support" (which is not very helpful). As for examples, I could make some potshot guesses, but I do not really have much of a criteria for evaluating the correctness of the guessed scenarios.

I couldn't agree more. I don't know my I feel this way. Maybe it's because my family considers all emotions a sign of weakness; as a result, I had to pretty much raise myself when it came to emotional stuff. (In their defense, they did provide the food and shelter.) So now, I honestly think I'm incapable of providing this thing called "emotional support", simply because I received only scant amounts myself.

However, I did have a chance to observe my friends' relationships, so I at least have an idea what actions constitute emotional support. Not that I see any reason or meaning behind them, but I know what actions I need to perform. Some examples are as follows; however, I can only show the actions on a guy's part. I hope they help.

1) Letting your girlfriend pour her heart out when something upsets her. Under no circumstances should you ever try to solve her problem; just let her talk, periodically saying things like "I understand how you feel", "you'll feel better over time", and "I'm sorry this happened to you". Give her a hug or a massage to comfort her.

2) If there's something she wants to pursue, like a knitting class or anything else, you must encourage her no matter what. If she's succeeding, tell her something like "you're doing a great job". If she's stuggling, tell her "I'm sorry this is happening". For brownie points, join the activity with her, if you can stomach it.

3) If something really nice happened to her, be sure to show enthusiasm. Say things like "you deserve this" or "I'm really glad it happened to you". Give her a congratulatory hug and/or offer to take her out to dinner as a way to celebrate. If it's an ongoing thing, see Rule #2 for further instuctions.

Don't question these things. Don't look for the meaning behind them. Don't try to find out why you have to do them. Think of love as the light of your life, and these things as the electric bill.

#1 -- Interesting. In contrast, my normal/natural response would be to try to solve her problem; to try to help her and offer hopefully useful and practical advice/suggestions.

#2 -- My natural response here is similar to #1: analyzing it. For example, if I observed that learning this particular skill was beneficial to her occupation, I would focus on that.

#3 -- This one I do naturally.
EDIT: Except for the taking out to dinner to celebrate idea. Good idea, will keep that in mind.

Hugs -- I think I am pretty good at showing affection this way. I like giving hugs (to Significant Others only). However, possibly I give hugs at times that an NT would not expect it, or fail to give hugs at times that an NT does expect it. hmm, or maybe I just give hugs whenever I feel like doing so, and I am happy to be treated the same way in return (by my SO, not just anyone).

Thanks for the reply!

Last edited by emp on 16 Apr 2006, 8:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This book could very well be bogus. If nobody with Asperger's can provide emotional support to others, then I'm NT. But that's not possible.

Actually it was saying that that is the usual case. It was not claiming that it is an unbreakable rule. It acknowledged that there are exceptions and that each Aspie is unique.

This has been a problem in my marriage. My inherent reaction to my husband's problems is to immediately offer five or six well-thought-out solutions to whatever is bothering him, and my version of emotional support is to then offer my assistance in completing any one of those solutions.

While I firmly believe we with Asperger's are capable of providing emotional support for an NT partner, I don't believe that our definition of "support" is ever likely to be the same. I think this is the case with many problems in relationships between Aspies and NTs. Most of the writers are NT, so they automatically assume that we can't do or understand these relationship functions at all when in fact it's merely a miscommunication.

Since it's a matter of communication, I've found the best way to solve the problem (or at least work towards a mutually satisfactory solution) is to be very open about the issue. My husband and I have both learned that in order to avert huge fights, there's a point at which I have to stop him and ask for verbal clarification on what he's feeling, because I cannot read him, and we both have to stop and ask what the other's expectations are. I can't always tell what he needs from me when he's upset just as he can't always tell what I need when I'm having a meltdown (whether that's solitude, or distraction, or whatever). If he says that he just needs me to listen, then I know to keep my advice to myself, whereas if he wants ideas, I can give him some of those.

Elanivalae: I think I understand what you are saying and it makes sense. To paraphrase, the book says we cannot provide these functions, whereas in reality we CAN provide the functions but they are unnatural and nonsensical to us, and not the response we would normally make.

And your solution is improved communication. It sounds like your solution works because your husband is able to communicate to you what he needs/wants, and then once you know, it is a simple matter for you to provide it to him.

I think I would be satisfied with using this strategy in my own relationships. HOWEVER, the big caveat is that it seems to depend strongly on the NT's ability to communicate their needs/wants, something that apparently they are unaccustomed to doing. I am thinking this may be difficult for the NT, depending on the particular person ofcourse. For example, if they are feeling very emotional, emotions cloud thought, and then they may fail to communicate what they need/want.

This concept of just listening without providing any advice in return is quite strange to me. I do not see any point to it, but oh well, sigh in resignation and accept. So I understand now that that is one way (the primary way?) of providing emotional support, which I was previously unaware of. Can you think of any more ways / examples of providing emotional support? Thanks!

emp: My situation may be atypical because my husband is very level-headed for an NT and always errs on the side of caution when it comes to estimating my limitations. But maybe that's what people *need* to do. I'm not sure; I can only speak from my experience.

I don't get the "listening with no feedback" thing either, and it drives me nuts to hold my tongue, but I've never gotten a negative response from anyone, in any context, after having restrained myself, so I guess it works. I gather that the typical NT person (at least in this culture) regards advice in response to voicing a problem as meddling, as if you're telling them that their response to a situation was wrong and yours would be better.

Other examples of emotional support I can think of:

Doing nice things for no reason, without having been asked. (i.e. doing chores your partner hates without them having to ask you first, buying a small gift when there's no real occasion, that sort of thing. Basically anything that deviates from your routine enough to demonstrate that you were thinking about someone simply because they're important to you, and not just because they've yelled about something or because they're sitting next to you.)

Demonstrating interest in someone else's interests...I find this really difficult as my mind starts to wander when my husband goes on about frisbee golf for the umpteenth time, but I remind myself how tiresome my rambling about orthographic systems must seem to him and make an effort to seem interested anyway, because it's important to him.

Lying. NTs in relationships want you to lie about certain things. Questions and statements like, "Does this make me look fat?", "Aren't I a failure?", "Everyone must hate me!", and "I'll never be successful at ____!" almost always require white lies if the negative statement your partner is making about him or herself contains even an iota of truth. Note that this doesn't apply in situations where he or she might embarrass him or herself if you don't tell the truth, like "Is there anything stuck in my teeth?" before going to work or "Is this dress too revealing?" before a funeral.

Physical contact is another big one. I have been told in relationships before that I seemed cold because I wasn't always doing the loving pats and the hugs and things that most people do to demonstrate emotional closeness.

The random nice things I already do, no difficulty there, but as for the lying... ouch, I would have great difficulty with that. Even if I manage to verbalize the lie, my reaction time and voice etc would probably make it blatantly obvious that I was lying. I very much doubt I would be convincing.

If it was someone that I cared nothing about and had a justification for lying, I could likely do it effectively, especially if prepared. But not so for someone that I care about.

I would need to make an agreement with my SO that I will say the lie that I am expected to say, but my SO has to agree to ignore the rest of my reaction which blatantly screams "I am lying!". *chuckle* Ofcourse then it is quite ridiculous (or even more ridiculous I should say).

If I was asked, "Do you think I am overweight?", then my natural response or thought is:
"Go do the Body Mass Index (BMI) calculation, and that will give you a good indication of whether you are overweight."
I guess this is not the sort of answer an NT wants to hear NT's are funny.

"Aren't I a failure?"
"Well, you failed at the first 2 tasks, but were successful on the second and third."

"Everyone must hate me!"
"It is true that a few people hate you, but the vast majority are neutral, and a substantial number like you, more than those who hate you."

"I'll never be successful at ____!"
"It requires about 2 years of hard work, and then there is a high chance that you will be successful, provided you remain diligent."

I think it's a bit much to say that we *cannot* provide emotional support, howver, I will admit that it's a problem area. My mate and I are both aspie, and while we both seem to need emotional support, we have a hard time giving it, at least some of the time. I mean, I can provide it to a point, and then I soon begin to feel burdened, suffocated, overwhelmed, and rather futile. It's the same with him- he can provide it some of the time to some degree, but not to the optimal point.

I liked "Aspergers in Love" mainly because it goes into AS-AS relationships, and has a chapter on Women, it is the best I've read so far.

However, if only all the valuable info on forums such as WP could be put together, that would be the best book on Aspie relationships imho.

Maybe we should. ^_^

It would be very interesting to read.

I think a contributing factor to me being clueless about providing emotional support is that I do not seek any for myself.

Actually, sometimes it even bothers me if people try to give me emotional support. I did not think of this or recognize it until just now, but when my last relationship ended, when I mentioned it to my mother, she tried to console me. I guess she was giving me emotional support. I did not need it and found it irritating, but I did not complain because she had good intentions.

Anyone else bothered when people try to give you emotional support?

I do not think it bothers me every time. It is difficult to say because I am not exactly sure what is and what is not emotional support, but probably in other cases I have just listened to it and it has had no effect -- the person may as well have been talking about the weather, same result.

Years ago there was a death in my family. I doubt I provided ANY emotional support to my family members. I feel a bit guilty about that even though it was unintentional. Oh wait, I DID do something which I now recognize was likely emotional support (my attendance for no obvious reason), but only because I was asked to.

I think it's very simple. You should just treat them nice, and they'll be nice to you.

Why not -- isn't the point of this forum to be a place for asking questions like that? After all, there are NT members on the forum as well, and it seems this is just the sort of question we're in a good position to try answering. So I'm going to give it my best shot, and I warn you in advance, this is likely to be a long post.

Firstly, I don't believe for one second that Aspies "cannot" provide emotional support to their significant others. My girlfriend has been an absolute rock of support all the way through our relationship; maybe that was one reason I was so shocked when we found out she is an Aspie, but now that I understand things much better it doesn't feel like a contradiction any more. But you can't provide emotional support by "going through the motions"; it really does mean something, it isn't just "ritual nonsense", and so it has to be genuine. That's why I think it's a very good thing that you should ask these questions.

If I had to define emotional support in one sentence, I would say: it's letting the other person know that whatever goes wrong, you will be there for them. That, I think, explains all the things on Aspie1's list, looked at rightly. It may seem illogical -- it probably is -- but a lot of us do have times when what we really need is someone to listen to our problems; even if they can't help us solve them, it makes us feel a lot better just having told them to someone else. It's really, really not about us thinking you're "meddling", as Elanivalae suggested. It's just that anyone can offer advice; whereas most of us are lucky if we have just one person in our lives who's willing to listen to us, share our problems, and not think any the worse of us because we need to offload a burden in time we could have spent doing something fun together. Don't think of it in negative terms; it's not about restraining yourself, not providing feedback; the important thing is the willingness to listen, and once you've got that down, any feedback you can offer will be welcome too.

(Think of it this way. Many, many NTs, not in the context of a relationship but just friendship, if you tell them about your problems, will offer solutions in order to get the thing done with so they can move the conversation on to something else. We learn very early on that this is a sign of a relatively shallow friend, as opposed to the deep friend who really wants to listen. So offering advice should always be fine so long as you make it clear that this isn't your motivation. How exactly you do that is up to you.)

Similarly, showing an interest in the other person's interests.... you don't have to fake an interest. What they really want is to know that you're interested in them and in what they have to say. Again, it's because it's extremely rare to find someone who will give us that degree of commitment. And for the other points people have raised, about showing enthusiasm, about giving hugs and about doing nice things spontaneously, it's the same story with each one; those are ways of showing that another person is really special to you. I'm not saying they're compulsory, because every relationship is different and you may well have other ways. But you need to find some way, and if you find the way that's right for you, that's all the better.

I do, however, want to reply to what's been said on the issue of lying. You shouldn't ever have to feel pressured into lying; the truest emotional support you can give is wanting the best for the other person, and sometimes that will involve telling them things they don't want to hear. If they really love you, they should appreciate that honesty -- it's an all too rare quality. It saddens me a little that this is part of the stereotype you guys have of NTs, because we're not all like that. In more than a year I haven't lied to my girlfriend and I haven't asked her to lie to me. (And I can say that with a straight face because I know I've got an awful lot of other things wrong, but not this.) Maybe one thing you can do is explain -- not when a situation comes up, but at some time, just sit down and talk things through together -- that you would prefer a relationship where you can feel that you're not being asked to lie. If your significant other really is mature enough to be worth trying to forge a lasting relationship, he or she should be able to appreciate what a really special thing that is.

larsenjw -- Sorry but that is a naive viewpoint. It is not that simple at all because you think you are being nice and helpful, but they think you are not. Aspies tend to view support or being nice differently to NTs.

Nuntar -- Interesting to read your NT viewpoint. Not sure what to say yet.