Providing "emotional support" to significant other

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But - I would say that emotional support to an Aspie is different than what it is to an NT. Like alot of Aspies I am a problem solver but while sometimes that may be helpful that is not what my spouse is looking for. So, what I would consider support - ie let me help you examine the situation - is different from just listen and agree with me.



There in lies the difference though between AS and NT - a person with AS tends to think of things in terms of black and white with no gray areas. So what is considered lying and being fake by an Aspie is different and may necessarily be a good thing to an NT. In other words you do not consider being polite as lying or being fake, or complimenting someone or praising their efforts. While a person with As may have a natural inclination to not offer praise for something they consider an obligation or duty or compliment someone if they don't think the effort was successful. So that is where the person with AS needs to learn to manuever in the NT social scheme so that they don't inadvertantly hurt someone's feelings by their bluntness. So, when a person with AS says they have to "fake" and interest - that is being quite honest. If you are not interested in how the line ran at work than to a person with AS you have to "fake" an interest. I think it is really just using different terms to explain the same thing. An NT person will not say they are being fake if they have no real interest in a subject someone they love is discussing - they will focus on the fact that they are being kind and considerate and loving by listening. It is both actually the same thing. And as far as appreciating the total honesty of someone with AS - that may change after 16 years when you are feeling down and just wanting someone to say someting to make you feel better (not lying in your terms) but the AS partner may tell you that your self pity is not productive.

Of course in all of this we are making generalizations and not reflecting the uniqueness of people either on the spectrum or off of it.

I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking outside the box.

Oh sure, I didn't mean to imply that "let me help you examine the situation" isn't an equally valid form of emotional support. I was just trying to explain to emp and others how an NT sees the situation -- because presumably it's important to him to know what it is his partner is looking for. Which is not, really not, to say that we don't appreciate your advice and opinions. It's just that sometimes we want to let off steam and have a shoulder to cry on first, and the advice can come afterwards.

And one more thing -- it's really not a matter of "just listen and agree with me". The important word is "listen". It's not a sign of a very healthy relationship if your partner expects you to agree with him/her no matter what.


I don't know if by "you" in the last sentence you mean me or NTs in general, but I tried so hard to make it clear that that isn't true; that we're not all like that. Either you must have read my post very badly or I must have written it very badly; probably the latter. I'll try again to explain, one point at a time.


Right. I wasn't trying to rubbish what Elanivalae or anyone else said about faking an interest. But the "NT social scheme" in general (which is living hell even for other NTs) is quite a different thing from a committed relationship. If you're in a relationship, your partner knows what your interests are; there's no question of pretending to be interested in something you're not. But listening to them when they want to talk about their interests isn't about faking interest in the topic; it's about being interested in them, and therefore being willing to give them something they want. (Of course, there has to be room for compromise as well -- for you to say "I really don't want to talk about this right now".) Is that really shifting the focus? I wouldn't say I'm being fake if I have no real interest in a topic my girlfriend wants to discuss but I listen anyway because I love her -- that really is the way I see it.

Going back to this now:

No, I wasn't trying to change the definition of "lying". When I said "you shouldn't ever have to feel pressured into lying", I meant simply and literally that. I have never believed in lying for the sake of being polite; it causes more hurt than harm in the long run. To take just a silly example, if I make someone a meal and they say they really liked it, that makes me feel a bit good. But if I know from past experience that that person would be honest and tell me if they didn't like it, then I know I've got it right this time, so I feel really good. And all this is true many times over when the person concerned is my long-term partner; if I can't trust her to tell me the truth when I get something wrong, who can I trust?

You insult me -- you deeply hurt me -- when you refuse to listen and decide that I can't possibly mean what I'm saying. To take your other example, when I'm "feeling down and just wanting someone to say someting to make me feel better", why should that something have to be a lie? As I said, emotional support is about making it clear to someone that whatever else may go wrong in their life, you will still be there for them -- can't you say that to make them feel better, and isn't it true?

I think the real issue here is not about lying, but about knowing when is and isn't the right moment to say certain things. To take your last example, of thinking that someone's self-pity is not productive: when they're deeply upset might not be the best moment to tell them that. Instead, it's a good time to concentrate on the positive aspects of them as a person and of your relationship; they might need reminding that those aspects are there too. But by all means tell them that you think they pity themselves too much -- just maybe save it for after they're feeling a bit calmer.

I wasn't faulting your reasoning - or saying that there is a right/wrong to any of this. Or that you should feel hurt or think that I think that what you wrote is not what you meant. This is about perspective which can vary quite a bit between people. I think it helps if the lines of communication are more clearly defined for someone with an ASD because what I might think is helpful to say (as I have learned MANY times) is not all what somebody else wants to hear. I tend to miss rhetorical statements - and instead if you answer them you can be seen as challenging someone (or stupid). And I HAVE been told by my husband to just agree with him once in a while because my responses probably do seem argumentative when I am pointing things out and he does not want that. He wants sympathy - he wants me to say he is justified in his feelings. So while I might be inclined to "point out" the errors of his reasoning, that is missing the mark. But - on the reverse of this - I don't necessarily ask for input from my husband either which is something that maybe he feels is missing also. (Generally the focus tends to be on the shortcomings of the AS partner).

I think the problem with the statement from the book (that people on the spectrum can not provide emotional support) is a general misconception also. It is that we may define it differently not that there is some sort of "perfect" ideal of emotional support. People are individuals too so that is also where advice books tend ot wade into dangerous territory when they start making too many generalizations. My husband appreciates my blunt honesty most of the time, but I see how he would appreciate some extra compliments now and then recognizing his efforts. The example I had in mind when I made the statement was when my husband takes out the garbage - which is his deal since he insists on stuffing the bags too capacity. So, I in turn do not feel the need for any extra acknowledgement for doing what should be done. However, when he tells me he took out all the garbage instead of saying "and?" which is what I am thinking - a thank you is probably what he is looking for.

So often I think in a relationship between a person with AS and an NT there is misunderstanding about the communication going on that each can learn from the other.

Thank you. I think I understand what you meant a bit better now. And I do agree with what you say; it's good to have both sides' perspectives so that both can learn from the other. That's one reason why I'm really glad I found this place

I realize this has already all been discussed with someone else, but I feel I should clarify. "Faking an interest" to me is just that -- I will never be interested in some things, no matter how much I love the person who likes them. This is simply a fact. Pretending that I find something interesting enough to attempt to converse in it is...just that. The caring is in the effort, but just because I like someone doesn't mean I can magically become interested in his or her interests through that. I can love someone enough to take a bullet for them and still not have any particular interest in football, or religious philosophy, or makeup, or whatever. If you have the ability to pick up new interests that way, I envy you, but I suspect that a lot of people do a lot of this faking to keep society (and their relationships) running smoothly. It's just that I don't really see all deception as inherently negative.

Lying is touchy ground, but I challenge you to find any relationship where it doesn't take place sometimes. The trick is knowing what your partner would rather have you lie about. Me, I'd rather be told the truth about how well (or poor) a job I did on most tasks, but I'd rather not hear how bad someone thinks my cooking is, because I'm already sensitive about it. My husband knows this. I know which things he would rather be told the truth about, and which he would rather hear a white lie for. How many NT men would tell their wives the truth about anything in the world...except how her butt looks big in that new dress she loves? Deep down, that wife probably knows how it looks, but she wants to hear that the person she loves is willing to preserve her feelings. Honesty in all social interactions is a nice, idealistic idea, and I favor it, but in my experience, that's not what people want.

I can't speak for other Aspies, but for me, most of what people seem to consider important in social interactions of all types and levels of seriousness is, for me, "going through the motions". That doesn't mean I don't feel emotions; it means I don't see all the rituals people go through as being necessary to those emotions, at least for me. I can be sincere as hell when I provide emotional support, but the actual actions I'm taking are still a front assumed for the benefit of the other people around me. I'm not trying to give anyone bad advice, I'm just presenting what I have learned while going through a number of unsuccessful relationships and one successful one while I experience the world the way I do. Maybe it's just a difference of perspective...what I see as artifice, you might see as natural and comforting, and what I see as playacting for survival's sake, you might see as dishonesty. Interesting to think about.

NTs confuse me, sometimes, and I freely admit that I don't understand why it's not just okay, but vital, for me to engage in all sorts of dishonesties on a daily basis so my natural tendencies (straightforward honesty, for one) don't make them uncomfortable, but I'm nevertheless supposed to pay lip service to not lying, because...lying is bad.

Sorry to disagree, but I have experienced firsthand emotional support from an Aspie. So much so, I fear I have fallen (and hard) for him. Granted, he may not always be able to read my moods, but show me a man NT or Aspie that has been able to read a woman's mood accurately. But once I communicate my mood, I feel like I have 100% of his attention (even if I don't). And I would like to think the emotional support has been a two way street, that I have been there, as much for him. What makes it even harder (for me) is this is (supposed to be) a platonic relationship. Which brings me to the lying issue. Right now, I have adopted the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I am afraid of the answer.

SheDevil

I am NT married to an aspie man who I love more than words "can express. While he may not be able to intuitively know what I need or understand the subtle cues or hints eliciting "emotional responses / support that are present in most NT / NT relationships, my husband is VERY capable of offering emotional support to me once I indicate to him that I need it. He just needs to know what I need...example: a hug, someone to listen to me, a shoulder to "cry" on....It has taken time for him to learn what I need and how I need it, but we work on this together. My husband genuinely loves and cares for me and he tries so hard to learn what I need and to give me all that he can...It is by no means perfect, but he is able to give emotional support.

I own/have read the book by Maxine Aston and it does leave room for each Aspie's individuality with regards to abilities. This book put me onto the road of discovery of my husbands aspergers and helped me realize that my husband was not just making excuses.
I would go so far as to say it has helped my marriage tremendously. I understand the man I married so much better and I sympathize with many of his frustrations over not being able to automatically respond the way an NT would to many situations.

http://www.youmeworks.com/ccintro.html