The Trifecta: Artsy, Geeky and Aspie

Post Reply New Topic

Professionally, I'm an artist. Personally, I'm a geek. Mentally, I'm on the deeper end of aspergers.

All of these things are fine on their own... but together they seem to breed a unique blend of esotericism that makes things tricky. I've dabbled with different alternative approaches to relationships... and I believe I've finally come to one which would work for me (assuming I can find someone who shares the philosophy) but I can't figure out how to say it without sounding harsh.

Throughout my younger years I'd date foreign exchange students because we at least started out realizing we didn't understand each other and so it was a balanced playing field. I remember carrying notebooks and drawing hieroglyphics, pictographs and equations to express things outside of words. It worked but it was mainly avoiding the problems.

In later years and throughout college, I tended to date girls who were overly analytical like psychology majors and writers. This mainly ended with us trying to capture each other on paper... for me I developed my drawing... for them they developed a character profile. In the end, it became a professional exchange which often lasted longer then even the vise of romance. I left with a portfolio... they left with the archetype for what would often become an altruistic villain/ mad scientist. I was always painted as being obsessed with my ideas and my work... and though well intentioned often caused villagers to get up in arms. I needed flesh to draw and they needed abnormalities to study... but that doesn't really make a good basis for a relationship.

Since college... nothing. My processes have become refined but time consuming and between it and my other routines... I don't know where to find the time to try and meet new people. The old adage of a joke not being funny if you have to explain it goes for wit of any nature and so it's hard to spring into a conversation with Susie on the street. I have given it a lot of thought and my perfect situtation would be to be with someone who's predication is first in her life. How do you say, 'I want us to become second in each other's lives.'?

Often I've found that where as some people will agree to it on paper... they later either press to be your number 1 or press you out to find someone who make them their number 1. Seeing documentaries on artists and musicians, this idea is not foreign to the creative fields... though listening to them few are willing to admit it to themselves or others. They say that their family comes first... and then turn around and go on a 6 month tour which hemorrhages money and resources. They are chasing an ideal but constantly looking back... it's no wonder this leads to accidents (divorces and the like). I think if they could be honest about it then they might have had a shot. There has to be a better way to say that I want someone to come second in my life... but I think that kind of reasoning would be shared by another aspie who has some 'great work' which they have accepted has to come first for her.

Assuming that's true, how do you find people who are so preoccupied in working towards some ideal that they are willing to openly accept that the most romantic situtation would be someone who can accept that quest as part of the arrangement and that more likely then not avoid even looking for relationships under the reasoning that it would be unfair to bring someone into their lives when they know they won't be able to give them the attention they deserve (and likely need/ want if they aren't also preoccupied following some ideal).

Thoughts?

I wish I knew. I am almost certain I will end up devoting my main focus, or placing first, an ideal in my life, but I just haven't found that ideal and life path yet. But my current main focus is discovering what my 'ideal' is (secondary focus friendships, family, and potential relationships).

I think that maybe searching for someone high up in academic/artistic/business (though perhaps less likely) fields might yield the results you seek. People who dedicate their lives to creative ideals or career aspiration would mostly tend to succeed in their fields over others who place relationships first, purely due to the superior time and dedication they would put in.

Sorry, that's the best I can come up with; I've barely begun to think along these lines yet.

As a female with AS, I have been telling men that they will "always come second in my life" since I was 23 and a partner complained that he was always coming in second.

My projects and passions come first and always will. Fortunately, most men haven't cared. Women might be a different story, however.

My current boyfriend also puts me second. He came over to my apt on his break from work last night, charged my Ipod to take with him and spent the entire break ignoring me and playing chess on my computer. Chess comes first for him. He is also an aspie.

We love each other deeply. We are soulmates. We live separately, so that we have time and space for our independent "special interest" projects. It works for us.

This afternoon, we have promised each other "quality time" separate from our projects. We do this sometimes, to completely break free and just focus on each other.

curator, have you tried Aspie dating sites? I don't know much about them but I've heard that they do exist. A partner there (I would guess), would take you seriously about the 'them being second to your work' and your desire to be second in theirs. Though I would state the desire to be second in their life first.

Good luck in your search.

I looked on the sites which I found but no matches anywhere near my area. A few thousand miles would eat that free time in transport.
The one thing I saw was that the sites (at least the ones I've been to) have a huge imbalance in males to females. So that may be a
case of just looking on the wrong sites.

I agree with the idea that sunshower mentioned.. as it is often put groups of 'doctors and deep thinkers' are the circles I go to as friends... though I do find more and more those groups seem to disperse to the winds and so it's an event more the a routine when that kind of circle accumulates. The conversations are always great because everyone brings new discoveries to the conversation because of that focus... but the problem often becomes that different fields find different homes because the things they need to be close to often dictate their locations after school.

For example, artists need space to work and people to show... so many live just close enough to a city that it's not unreasonable to make a show opening a day trip. Someone studying viruses for example likely is far enough away from a social hub that an outbreak could be contained should something go wrong but close enough that whatever institution is funding them can check in on their progress. Someone who chases storms like tornadoes likely would live someone outside of the commonly hit area but close enough that they could get to the commonly hit areas. I guess that's the flaw in those ideas being too desperate because that causes people to be pulled geographically to different areas. Though I have no doubt that there would be people more localized to me... the problem is that with the sites I've checked coming up empty that it becomes a question of where.

I know when I was in college there was this hub where it seemed everyone doing something just gravitated to... sort of this members only bar where any night of the week you would hear someone going on about anything from color pallets to musical instruments to quantum theory. The school was in an area which was largely cut off so it easy to find this sort of hub. Now I live in an area which is 'commutable' for when I have work in the city but because the city is accessible (though not casually accessible) it seems that most people just commute to their hubs and come back home to sleep. It's a good balance of distance and space professionally but the real world venue thing seems tricky because as I said it's just close enough that there isn't that motivation to construct a localized hub/ community. The net seems a viable answer to that but as I said the sites I've checked don't seem to have any people in my area... though as is the nature of the net... I probably just haven't found the right site.

Does anyone know of any such sites with a larger pool of people?

Is there any local Aspie groups near you? Possible to meet a girl there?

Idk... I'm still in that weird place with the label. I've been diagnosed and I believe it whole heartedly.. beyond that I exhibit enough symptoms that anyone who knows aspergers can spot it a mile away. I don't even try to avoid showing it... but since I'm an artist the label I've come to peace with is 'eccentric'. It's not a bad label to have either in a professional community that is desperately seeking unique prospectives. It comes off as quirks which are worth dealing with because having a counter point of view is invaluable. Could someone with aspergers really ask for a better situtation on that end of things... all the circumstances without labels that use words like 'syndrome' that make you sound like your sick.

I remember telling a friend of mine and the first thing he goes is, 'are you ok... do you need to sit down.. can I get you something to drink?' It's just like Bruce Campbell once put it 'It's that terminal terminology that'll kill you.' Personally, having a later in life diagnosis, it's traits are part of who I am but its label is not part of how I identify myself... at least for yet.. maybe after I live with it a while... wear it out and break it in.... for now I'll pulling a Cranston.

So, the answer really becomes that I have no idea... I'm not sure I'm even there yet. On some level, I've accepted all the symptoms more then I have the diagnosis so I'm fine using it as a short hand in an arena with people suffering from the same abbreviations... but on another level the word just haven't stuck and I imagine those places wear it like a name tag instead of living it like an another adjective.

The identity bit is a tug-of-war, as you'll find yourself partly gravitated toward identifying yourself this way but as you see the sheer amount of variation among us you'll realize that the spectrum label only goes so far on identity.

The dating thing throws me as well though. I have found that dating on places like Eharmony at least solves the problem of getting in the door, past that chemistry has to meet personality and its all trial and error. I'm artistically geared myself so I know what your saying about having passions and wondering where they'd fit into married life or even if you can realistically have a marriage work without squashing them as a 'thing of your youth'; I'd like to think its possible, though the challenge in finding someone who's right for you on that level is definitely a steep one. As for aspie groups, I get the impression they won't be what you'd want - I wouldn't discourage you from going to them to meet other people IRL as a self-knowledge tool but as for making relationships....its a stretch.

Not so much geeky, but definitely in the other two parts of the trifecta.

I'm definitely not very artsy. I think I lean away from geek and more towards nerd and I believe I'm on the deeper end of the spectrum as well.

This is hilarious. You actually just described my ideal relationship, and I agree, it's hard to find a person who can deal with it. My last relationship died because he didn't understand my need for alone time (his increasing drug use didn't help matters either) When two people are focused solely on one another, it gets really boring, at least for me, because after awhile there's nothing to talk about, except each other. Spend enough time together, and you end up knowing everything, and conversations become cyclical. I always say that my idea relationship/marriage/whatever is one where my partner and I live in two separate wings of a house or next door to one another and we just meet in the middle for a little while each or every other day.

I'm also artsy/geeky...do you know how hard it is to find someone who not only agrees on the above relationship but is into artsy/geeky after the novelty of having a "unique" or "quirky" girlfriend wears out? I'm thinking of becoming either a hermit or just living with my best friend until we die...we are each others heterosexual lifemates.

I find myself in a similar situation. I lean much more to the scientific side than the artsy side, although I do view scientific concepts in a kind of aesthetic, freeform way in addition to the purely logical. I also want to get more into art at this time in my life.

I'd say the label that least fits me is the "geeky" one. I've never been really into computers for their own sake (aside from their use as tools), and have never had other geek interests like anime, gaming (aside from simple flash or java games), comics, etc. I actually feel that in certain ways I am "ungeeky", in the fact that I try to understand the natural world in an organic, often fanciful way.

I definitely do also have a "unique brand of esotericism" though. And in some ways, I think the fact that part of my inner world is rather normal makes it even more frustrating than if I were simply obsessed with computer programming or something like that. I may find beauty or idealism in some areas that others share, like sitting along a lake out in nature, but then while others might dream about bringing some kids for a picnic, I fantasize about understanding the biological principles that govern the interconnectedness of the species down in the lake. I feel that if only we could appreciate that we all have these unique dreams that are beautiful and dear to us in our own ways, there wouldn't be such a problem relating.

I can't see another person ever being "first" in my life, aside for maybe the first week or so of us getting to know each other, because of the novelty factor. I think this also plays into my near-obsession with physical intimacy. With my ideal girl we would be comfortable touching each others' bodies quite early on, not because I am unusually horny, but because I actually want it to be a deep exchange of "energy" so to speak. It's as if deeply sensual touch makes up for the fact that we would live mostly separate lives, and that I want to dispel my anxiety that she will connect that with putting someone first.

I think this probably describes me. I'm twenty one, Haven't had any friends since I was fourteen, let alone romantic relationships. If I did meet someone, I have no idea how it would work. Art and writing are the two main things in my life, and probably just about the only bits propping it all up at the moment. The idea that someone would have to come before either of those is quite terrifying...

kamikaze_penguin: Not hard at all. I'm definately an alone time guy. In fact, I'm so extreme that I don't want to see people at all, just my special interest...

Alright, Mr. Optimism. When you find someone that fits the bill, send them my way, because I've had no luck. I only attract creepy stalkers...no exaggeration. The attributes of the people whom I have dated/been stalked by is like something you'd find on the America's most wanted list.

I almost can't believe this. There must be creative guys somewhere near you who would like you, especially given that in your picture you certainly don't give off an "odd" vibe.

I like women who have something that they're really into, except I'd prefer it isn't hard-core science (since I'm already so into that myself). Your ideal relationship description sounds a lot like what I'm looking for too. Most of my friends with strong academic interests don't go for the party girl types who are into dressing up and watching TV. In fact I'm the one who probaly likes them the most, and only because they are so different.

You should definitely try approaching guys at places where people with interesting minds gather (e.g. coffee shops in artsy towns). I have in some other posts mentioned an interesting girl who I met because she used to hang out with some grad student friends of mine at a Starbucks near my old university. Unfortunately she seems to be closed off to any physical contact (even cuddling) now. Which brings me to my other point--you should make it clear that you really are interested in a sexual and/or romantic relationship. Many times when I do meet girls with whom I can have an interesting, meaningful conversation, it seems they are only looking for friends.