CAN COUNSELLING HELP?

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Break in relationship, guess its wore her down
Now trying counselling (aspergers based) myself, she will go & explain her position to the counsellor on her own, with a view to giving the counsellor the lowdown on working with me to succeed hopefully making good the problem issues
all sounds ok, BUT contact in meantime is to be very limited indeed, difficult emotionally for me to handle while she can seemingly cope
can this work? i can see benefits of counselling as i can see some of the issues causing the stress & tension between us even though i can't control them
however the limited contact causes me concern
any clues?

Don't answer my question, but WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU BOTH HAD SEX?
the pastor of my church said sex works in relationship problems. he asked this question to a fighting couple they both could not rmemeber, so they did it the night of the counseling session with the pastor and the next day things were much better

Sounded kinky. I'm agnostic/athiest, but find me a church with a pastor into that kind of stuff and I just may change my religous views.

i won't but that honestly wasn't/isn't a problem
wouldn't mind some of that religion mind
serious question

It sounds to me like you think you can go individually to counselling and maybe talk to the go-between.
It won't work.

You need to be talking to each other.

If you're both willing to work at it, you should consider doing a marriage encounters weekend together. It worked for me.

http://www.wwme.org/

im not thinking anything yet to be honest, im going to first one tomorrow & im sounding out counsellor from my angle & asking the question if its the way forward, im sure she'll want the 2 of us there but on other hand my partner is at least willing to go to put her side & we do talk, its just that i have problems with saying the "sensitive" stuff at the wrong moment, not giving it a chance, im head on enough to know thats a failing of mine.

think thats what one of my main problems, i have worn her down, cassandra? having raed about that i can see obvious signs

but her comment of a couple of days ago " i love you too much for it not to work this time" is i guess as positive as it can be & thats why from her point of view she wants the correct stuff in place

who knows how long it will be before she joins me? 6 months, 2 months, a few weeks, quicker we get the tools & set about it the greater the chance we have

i haven't accepted aspergers very well at 46 & have been fighting it for the last 5 months, which has bought us here now

Are you the aspie of the relationship?

If so, (and even if not) think about what you're fighting.

It's only a label which nicely describes a group of common traits. Not guaranteed traits, just common ones.

A dolphin has the label "mammal" but it's quite different from most.

You don't need to fight the label but you DO need to accept the person (yourself and your partner) the way that you are. People can adjust their behaviour to be a bit more accommodating but... people cannot change.

You are who you are. If this is unsuitable for your partner (and vice versa) then no amount of adjustment will help. If however, you can accept (and be accepted) at face value, then all that remains are a few minor corrections to behaviour.

yes im the aspie

the thing is my partner HAS totally accepted me, has been very understanding & basically is saying stop fighting it

emotions i find difficult, im actaully over gushing when it comes to anything i love which while i know isn't that bad a thing it's stifled here almost, she just wants it to cool down so we see the path more clearly

you tell me it will take 6 months for a cheese to mature, leave it and it will taste beautiful. I'll keep nibbling at it, best way i can describe it ! !! She actually wants us both to taste the full flavour

Well her reasoning sounds believable to me, it sounds like she just wants to salvage the relationship and has customized the counseling just for you. I'm not always right, but I think if you tell the counselor what you go through in terms of feelings, the counselor will gladly mediate between the two of you. Nothing causes more of a headache than overanalyzation or excess justification. If you do something in the relationship, just let the counselor know and let them know why you felt it was neccessary or appropriate. It isn't their job to judge you and being 100% factual actually helps them like you a little more. If the counselor tries to convince you of something you have a hard time accepting, just let them know how you feel. For instance, if she tries to tell you that your parter was right all along, you're better off explaining your level of trust and how you percieve it ect... In the end, the counseling should give you some good insight.

went yesterday, was very interesting
the counsellor really wants the both of us there, in meantime though she wants to concentrate on me & how the symptons effect me & the relationship
did a real simple exercise with a jar of stones to depict our relationship & the weight aspergers is now putting on it, quite clever
of course until the pair of us step in the same enviroment i can see the issues perhaps will remain clouded, hopefully that will come about quicker than expected, but i came away yesterday at least realising me rucking&fighting the label is putting up just another barrier between us. And if that disappears things will naturally be better, take away the arguing about things that just are!
if she accepts me, i should be able to accept myself.
hopefully just the start

both went this week, not quite ideal though

in all fairness my (partner) did stress she wants to put her side, then take a step back until she feels comfortable ( there is an amount of anger still there on her part & that prob needs to subside first), never ever saying she won't & wanted to do just to show she is "serious" when it comes down to "helping" us move forward, even if she will not be there for a certain period of time

unfortunatly i think the counsellor took it that it was to a full blown "couple" session & in all honesty my partner never got a chance to explain herself & why she was there, came away very upset, not with me, but with herself & the counsellor

we spoke later in the week & this was just how she explained it, she wants to lay the foundations kind of to the building blocks

at the end of the day she needn't bother coming along at all so i take it as a positive step forward, looking into ways that she can go along asap & just put her side

i feel a certain amount of confidence with the counsellor during my 1 2 1's i've had & think at last im going to get some sort of properly tuned advice/help

she is far better than me at "masking" the emotions, still finding that part real tough but feel over the last week or so it is getting better, having listened to some of her reasoning it does make sense on this issue, im not going to get a good result if i "push it" too much

got the feeling it isn't going to be a quick process, but one i guess that if we can do it right will be rewarding in the end

I think you need to try Travell's advice and have a 3 some with a priest.