Aspies in a Longterm Relationship

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Hey,

I was just wondering, what goes through the head of an aspie, when they are developing a long term relationship with a NT person. Do they start losing interest? Do they start becoming more comfortable (as in, more independent), do they move you down the priority list?

Cause I'm just a bit confused at what my GF might be thinking. We've been going out for 7 months now, and she still hasnt said I Love you to me (well, she has said it once, but recently she said that she wasnt ready all the other times she had said it).
We seem to talk less - we talk everyday though, but we talk less - as in she never replies to my emails and stuff.
She still meets up with me during our regular meetings and all but I'm confused.

------irrelevant to the question.
Last week we met up and towards the end of the date, we impulsively decided to go bowling with her, her brother, my sister (and both our mums), so we did. But throughout the whole night, she was distant from me - and she also had a tantrum, and i could tell she didnt like it when i gave her random hugs. she even said "can you not"

so yeah, lol, sorry for giving you all a whole thing to read, but i just wanted some input from everyone.
It will be very much appriciated.

Yes, my partner still tells me to stop giving her random hugs. Been married over 21 years.

I feel aspies need partners who are very consistent and clear in their expectations, are very wide and open with their affections, and nurture not just you, but a wide variety of plants, animals, things and people. That is, they can be available when you need it, but have more than you to shower their affection on. That gives an aspie "most favored puppy status".

If you're involved with someone who is fickle in her moods and feelings, then you have to be able read and respond to them appropriately, otherwise you won't be considered to be understanding and supportive of her needs feelings (or his, depending on the relationship).

The big hearted person isn't the only type, but it makes sense. My partner is not like this, but she's clear and consistent, and though I can push her limits a bit, I still know where they are and can trust them without anxiety. That, to me, makes all the difference in the world.

I had a relationship with a neurotypical in 1989. She lied about me to her mum but I only realised this in 1994. She was very fussy as far as people were concerned. At first she was alright. or so it had seemed and let me sh affection but in the end it just disintegrated suddenly as I found out how fussy she really was as far as people are concerned and always getting defensive the way neurotypicals seem to do and she in the end was always trying to find faults and make false accusations. Perhaps she thought I was too clingy and she always like to speak a load of crap (smalltalk) which I tend not to like very much which seemd to annoy her which was very easy to do. She would not even cared if she knew or not that I have Asperger syndrome as nearly all the people she whinged about have been later proven to have AS. We never had a single thing in common. She liked the company of thickos and aspiphobes she was not a very nice person. My mum knew this from the start on ther lying and scheming ways. So I say about neurotypicals, who needs them? because now I have had a bellyful of them and I say no more. Her mum thought I was the biggest shithouse ever and her dad threatened to punch me you know how violent neurotypicals can be when they are thick. When I was with her she never told me her limits of tolerance she expected me to know instinctively in the way a neurotypical can. In the end I could never tust her.

Well i've been in a relationship for 3 years with an NT..and i know i'm young but hey, love is love, and i have never for a second lost interest in her, as my obsessions come and go sometimes she becomes my obsession..sometimes it might move to video games and she'll become jealous of Halo 3 haha, but overall i never ever lose interest in her, and my love for her increases daily.

I dont know if this is related to my aspergers or what though..

Just dont get too jealous if she gets obsessed with things other than you, it's quite natural for us aspy's and you shouldnt be worried. As for her not talking to you as much, she might have stronger traits than me (i want to talk to my gf as much as possible, sometimes 12 hours a day lol) but aspy's do enjoy their alone time..i often feel quite content with my own thoughts, being by myself..i can entertain myself with day dreaming.

And i got no idea if she is the same, but i often feel envy and jealousy for my NT girlfriend, compared to me she seems so accomplished..loads of friends, straight A student, great looks, independant..has her own job..i often feel like a loser in comparisin, so idk if thats just me or she might feel the same towards you in the future..just a heads up

Just accept her for who she is, realise she thinks differently to the normal person, has different needs, but still the same feelings..and you'll be the best thing that ever happened to her.

Did you ask her what was the story with that? I mean the whole not responding to your emails and stuff, and her lying about your friend? (or am I mixing you up with another poster?)

About the hugging thing, I sometimes have problems with not getting enough hugs and sometimes I have times where I don't want to be touched at all. Though, I'm lucky because I can articulate my touch issues.

A tantrum is odd, I think. What did she seem to have a tantrum about? At 15/16 tantrums are odd to my mind.

Situation is maybe fine, maybe not. 7 months is usually around the point where the initial "infatuation" period of a relationship ends, meaning that things "cool down" a bit, but that doesn't necessarily mean a loss of interest. She may feel a bit smothered though if you're expressing concern to her about some emails that didn't get responded to, while you guys are still talking every day.

About the bowling situation, did you consider that maybe she wasn't into the hugs because she felt weird about you making repeated, random physical contact with her in front of her family? I mean, her family might find that strange... That's probably not the best move on your part

I'll respond to your question based on what I know being diagnosed AS, although my experience is mine and not your girlfriend's. Unlike people with classic Autism, my feeling is people with AS have too much empathy for others and often get overloaded. It's the inability to cope with this that leads to the what appears to be the detachment and the lack of empathy associated with AS. It's very much like when one get's an eye exam and the doctor dilates the pupil: the discomfort from sensitivity to light causes one to avoid it. Of course, putting sunglasses on helps. This is contrary to prevailing views on the Internet that suggest people with AS have no empathy, but I'm diagnosed AS and that's how it is for me. It may help to think of your girlfriend in those terms.

I understand your concern about how she only told you "I love you" just the one time. I bet she does love you, but in her mind it's so obvious it doesn't need to be said. We Aspies are a stubborn lot, prone to being judgmental and that is one way it shows up. I think the fact she shows up to your dates is a sign she at least cares for you. Oftentimes we focus on the actions rather than the words. Ask yourself if your girlfriend's actions show she loves you.

There is a reason why you chose to date this woman, and a reason why you are continuing to see her after seven months. I would guess at least some of that is due to her having AS. If you keep the relationship, understand you will have challenges that you wouldn't in a relationship with NTs. You spoke to some of those in your description of when you went bowling with her and your parents. People with AS will seem distant, for the reasons I spoke to above. Also, they say 60-80% of people with AS also have ADHD. Since ADHD is a deficiency in the part of the brain that acts as a filter for emotions, prioritization, etc, that would be a good explanation for her tantrums. It would also explain why she doesn't reply to your emails and why it seems you have moved down her priority list. It's not because you are less important, but because she can't manage (very well) events in her daily life.

If I were in your shoes, I would focus on communicating with her. Tell her about your concerns, but be responsible for how it lands on her. For example, ask her why she doesn't respond to your emails. If you don't talk with her and ask questions, you may as well be reading tea leaves to divine how she feels. Understand she has a responsibility to you and she has power over the effects of AS, even if she doesn't think so. I'm not a doctor or psychologist, but from where I sit, I suggest she get the appropriate therapy and/or medication to help her.

I acknowledge you for making the effort to understand your girlfriend and AS. At some point you will have to make a choice whether you wish to stay with your girlfriend. By looking for information, I can tell you are committed to your relationship, and if you decide to break it off (or accept her breaking it off), you will do so based on facts. If you stay in, realize it will be challenging and require a lot of you. Whether that is worth it to you is obviously only a question you can answer. Good luck.

Ok, sorry to hear you had some bad experience, but stop trying to make it out as if we aspies are the angels and the NT are the demons.
Aspies can be just as bad as any NT.

This part makes me think that she was either overloaded or her plans for the evening were not happening. For example, if my friends randomly decided to do something that I had not planned on, especially a loud social event, I would be rather unhappy because I was not prepared for such an outing since it was on impulse. I was likely anticipating a quiet evening at home and when things change like that, I can get upset. I would likely withdraw and not talk much and may snap irrtiably at times. Random hugs would just irritate me further because I would not want to be touched at such a time when I am already dealing with frustration and social/sensory overload.

Does that make any sense? Not saying thats what happened with her but that's what would be happening if it were me.

I've been going out with my bf for about the same length of time (I'm the aspie, he's NT).

Re: what goes throught their heads... I can't speak for your girlfriend, but in my experience, I find I become more comfortable the longer I know a person; I begin to anticipate and recognise their quirks/annoyances/good qualities more, and really appreciate them for who they are. It can take aaaages though.

Re: bowling I don't immediately warm to friends or family of people I like (although I make an effort to be polite and friendly). It's not that I take an instant dislike to them, just because I have to get to know people individually first; if your gf doesn't know your family well enough, she may feel very stressed in their company. I have experienced that before; I went bowling with my bf and his friends once and found it quite hard to act comfortable around them, even though they were nice people. I felt they were 'his' friends, and that they were only suffering my presence. In reality, it was probably nothing like that. Let your family know that your gf's a bit awkward around people (you don't have to mention as if she doesn't want that), and that if she sits in a corner for a bit, it's not that she's unhappy or wants to be dragged into the group; it may put them more at ease too, as they might have been worried if she was alright.

With regards to her shrugging off your hugs, I'd say she was just really stressed and ready to freak out at the slightest provocation. She may have been trying to retreat inside her mind, and your attempt to engage her may have felt like she was being dragged kicking and screaming back into reality It's not your fault; you didn't realise at the time. Is there any way that you could find a way for her to let you know when she's a bit overwhelmed? Just a code word or something so that she doesn't have to go into a long explanation or make a fuss. She may not know when she's zoning out though, but it is possible to learn the signs (her, as well as you; I didn't realise I got stressed out at all until my bf pointed it out, I just thought everyone else was becoming increasingly unreasonable).

She might also hate bowling You said it was an impulse thing, so maybe she didn't have time to plan a get-out...

Re: love I did initially have a hard time telling my bf that I loved him or that I thought he was good-looking (the words feel fake and cliche when you've only ever heard them in films before). It also seems almost unoriginal to repeat back exactly what the other person has just said.

Another reason I can think of is that she may not know if she's in love or not; aspies are pretty anayltical and even NTs have trouble deciding if they 'love' someone. I still don't know if what I feel for my bf is 'true' love, but he's my favourite person in the world and I really enjoy his company, so I figure that means I love him

With regards to the emails, how many do you send? If it's more than one a day, she may not know if you want a response. Also, has she ever replied to an email? Did you reply back? My bf used to send a lot of links and forwarded emails, and I'd try to reply to as many as possible, but I'd rarely get a response, just more emails the next day; it seemed a bit useless to waste time on what seemed a one-way communication, so I stopped replying, unless one caught my eye in particular. It wasn't that I wasn't interested in hearing from him though. Ask your gf if she enjoyed the last one you sent- at least she'll know you actually want her views.

About three weeks after me and my girlfriend were going out her exact words were to me"I need to teach you to say I love you to me. " (she is the NT)

I can't just spout out words that everyone else says, if I say something I have to understand it and mean it. Like when someone says you have to say I promise something will happen. I can't do that, I have to give scenarios of what good or bad could happen, not just say "I promise". Its things like that.

I knew I liked her and I cared about her, but I couldn't say something to someone when they were telling me to say it. I think I would only say it under naturally circumstances, like if I fully understood (I should spend less time thinking and more time "feeling") why I loved this person and was comfortable saying it, then I would tell her and mean it.

I think with me I am always trying to comprehend feelings instead of just letting them happen.

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If your girlfriend is talking to you less now days, that doesn't necessarily mean she less interested, it might mean just is running out of things to say, or she still hasn't adjusted to you yet. Thats one of the big things with Aspies, you suck at doing something or expressing your self on the outside, so then people go by what it looks like, and then they can't tell how you feel on the inside. I don't know the person you speak of so I can't tell on here if she is loosing interest or not.

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As for a priority list? If I had one, well my GF was actually on the top of it. And I did not become more independent of her, if anything I became more dependent because she was one of the few people I could talk to and be open with.

I don't get the whole tado over “I love you”. I see it as a construct, not a bad construct but you make it happen, and what exactly it mean is entirely personal. Trying to make those words into something iron cast wreaks of insecurity. I’d be happy with “you’re alright”

I tend to think that the reason why people do anything boils down to stimulus->response. So the reason two people stay together is to get something out in the form of brain stimulus. The feeling of new love and butterflies is stimulus->response, involving the peripheral and sympathetic nervous system and various form of communication like pheromones. However the exact nature of the relationship need will vary between people (you are unlikely to find two people that exactly complement each other). The amount needed will also vary. Some people will feel crowded out with too much attention.

You had one terrible experience, and I am sorry to hear that you suffered so; remember, however, that that is only indicative of the people you were involved with... not of "NT" folks or others in general. Two entirely different things.


M.