Question for the women, trying to understand something.

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I read alot of posts from women on WP saying how men with AS give off a "feeling" or a "vibe" that they are different and unattactive and it makes women not want to go out wiith them, reject them, and put them in the "friend zone".

Can anyone tell me what is this feeling and vibe? What can us guys with AS do to fix it?

I think it has basically everything to do with the timing and coordination of your body movements (this includes the tonal quality of your voice, prosody in your speech, eye contact, gait, posture, basically anything that involves motor control). Although clumsyness is not an officially required symptom to be diagnosed with AS, it's co-occurs so frequently with it that it might as well be. It's all very subtle, too, but I think you could come to understand it doing kinematic experiments with people diagnosed with AS. Even if you were still the most happy go lucky aspie, I think women would still not be able to get over these timing and coordination patterns they correlate with unconfident, submissive behavior, which is probably close to the female attraction equivalent of obesity to men. I think the old adage "it's not what you say, but how you say it" applies strongly here.

Maybe I'm totally wrong, but whenever I think of what a vibe is, my mind makes some sort of analogy to tonal centers and rhythm in music.

*I'm not female, this is just my opinion as a male neuropsychology student.

i thought this was going to be something else entirely, but that is actually a very good question and something that would be cool to know.

Interesting question.
Being female myself, I can honestly say, though, that I've never heard anything of that nature.
Wait...strike that....I've not heard anything of that nature, precisely. However, in my personal experience, the Aspie males I've met are arrogant and full of themselves.
Perhaps that's because they are hyperlexic and obnoxiously smart...then again, perhaps that's just how they cope with being Aspie.

Anyway...off the bunny trail and back onto your question--I've personally never heard anything like that.

I can't speak for other women, but my AS BF and I stayed in the "friend zone" for about a year before we started dating, becoming best friends.

I don't think anything is wrong with the "friend zone." It's just that AS men seem afraid to move out of it, which may be why women see them as "friends" and not "more." I feel the fear is of rejection and it leads to men giving closed off body language. I think men with AS could practice more open body language when it comes to women.

Well, for my son (who is only turning twelve this year so I could be way off base) he comes off as WAY too intense when he likes someone. He does not pick up on the "clues" saying that he is coming on too strong for girls his age though and it scares them off. This is not just an Aspie thing though, I am sure I came across as too intense for a lot of the guys that I had dated. My son also tends to phrase things in a way that pretty much anyone but another Aspie (And possibly even them) would find offensive. I have tried to explain it to him as, "When you say things like that it sounds like you are saying other people are stupid, and that only you are intelligent" and he says to me, "But that's not what I meant!"

What you have to realize is that a romantic relationship is NOT "friendship, only better." Often times, the kind of man a woman is friends with is MILES apart from the kind of man they're attracted to. I can be friends with just about anybody, but I can NOT date just about anybody.

So, how do you switch categories? How do you get her to see you in a different light? Depends on her and what she's attracted to. And, unfortunately, the things NT girls are attracted to are things that don't come naturally to Aspie men: Natural self confidence, good social skills, good looks (we tend not to take care of ourselves) and a sense of humor that doesn't involve jokes about Pokemon. Add to that the special power girls have to know within seconds of meeting you that you would rather date them than get to know them, you got yourself a friend for life.

Not much moral here, except that reasonably attractive NT girls ages 15-25 are, by and large, pretty damn shallow. Once they grow up some, they'll see who you are.

HUMANS in general between those ages can be RATHER shallow. I would hardly call it an epidemic in either gender. However, please bare in mind that you really cannot help what you find attractive and until one reaches the point of really knowing their self well enough to decide what they are looking for in a mate, looks are all they have to go on.

For me, if i have not been rejected outright, I was put in the "friend zone". I am not afraid to move out of it. In fact what I say to someone I'm interested in is "I like you , I think we would be a good couple." What I get back all the time is "But I just want to be friends, I'm not ready for a relationship, I have too many issues." Then a week later she tells me all about her new BF. Gotta love the honesty there.

That is the pitfall of being a woman, particularly in your age group. Heck even mine ten years down the line. We were all taught that it is wrong to be honest about that because it hurts people's feelings. As women (not as much in my children's generation of course) we are made to believe that we should NEVER say anything that is assertive/unkind.

I believe that this is why when a woman finally does do or say things like that it is incredibly cruel. It is backlash.

The sixties and seventies made a lot of progress towards stopping this sort of thing, but clearly not enough.

So instead of complaining about it, just make it known from the beginning of a friendship that you've been hurt in the past by people's not being entirely honest and that you'd rather hear, "I'm sorry, but I just do not like you that way," instead of, "Its me, not you." as she goes chasing off after some other guy.

I can assure you this is not an NT woman vs AS man in this instance. It is a woman vs a man.

Is conversation natural for you? Are you the type who talks to people every day without even noticing & say whatever is on your mind?

If not, you might have the same problem I do then. I can never totally cut loose in a social situation. Every time I do, I make odd jokes, rant, say socially unacceptable things, & so on. I have to remain guarded all the time. Women have a strong sense for anything seeming out of place, & my filtered, overthought conversation technique is no exception.

I'm inclined to agree with this in regard to what you're asking.

This type of guarded, overthought conversation comes across as lacking in confidence. Different women are attracted to different things, but I think that, in general, confidence is usually seen as a good thing (not arrogance, however!).

NT woman here . I agree with roadGames on this. Body movement is usually the first thing that comes into my atention and gives me that 'aspie vibe'. I get the vibe before I get to talk to them. It's not always very strong, sometimes it difficult to identify what exactlly is diferent but I get the feeling that something IS different.


NTs play something like a game when they just met. They sent signals to each other, very subtle at first and only when the other person reciprocates they send stronger signals. If one person is not interested in a relationship, they can still be friends, it doesn't have to be a 'yes' or 'no' situation. Sometimes one of the person is not sure if they want to be in that relationship, they want to know them better before committing to them. If you sent too strong messages to early, when the girl is not decided if she is interested in a relationship with you, she'll back off.

So when you get that vibe, do you automacally stay away from them? You are not giving them a fair chance if you are. I think alot of women are like that and they don't want to get to know people that are different.

When I tell someone I'm interested in that I think we would make a good couple, its after I have gotten to know them a bit and we have gone out and hung out a few times. I don't say that first date because I don't want to come on too strong.

It sounds like you are still coming on too strong. Do NOT!! !! tell a woman that you are interested in her and think you would make a good couple after a few dates. Or even several. Doing this puts her in the position of having to make some sort of official commitment decison about you. The minute you say that, she has to either commit to being a couple from that moment onward or she has to say "I'm not ready for a relationship right now". Upthread you did say that women say this to you ("I'm not ready for a relationship now". They will keep saying this as long as you keep saying "I think we would make a good couple". Stop saying it. Stop. Now. The next time you have had a few dates with a woman who seems interested in you, bite down very hard on your tongue to prevent yourself from saying this. If you don't say it or anuthing like it, you may actually grow into being a couple. If you say it, she will say "I'm not ready for a relationship now". Resist the urge to say it. Resist!

I don't stay away, I'm fascinated by aspies . I've got one at home and I love him very much exactlly the way he is. But that's just me.