Peculiarities of the relation between Asperger and NT ?

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Could you describe the characteristics of such a romantic relation, did you live it through ? or can you imagine it ?

Do you think it is not really possible or it just depends on the individuals ? May il last ?

I'm just living this ..and I wanted to have YOUR experience...

Thank's

Evelyne, I've posted about this in other threads several times over the past few days. My experience is that NTs can function in the NT world, and aspies typically cannot function in the NT world as well as NTs. We aspies have "issues" that are deficits in the NT world. This creates a power inbalance in the Aspie/NT relationship. This leads to all sorts of problems. I was never comfortable with that power inbalance and so I chose to be on my own or in a relationship with a neurodiverse male.

I think anandamide describes it right...

...although I'm not sure my hubby is totally NT, he is much more social than I could ever be... I question some days if he isn't ADHD he's always go, go, go.

It's not impossible, but it's hard...we argue alot about the fact that I find socializing uncomfortable.... and I think somedays he despises the fact that I need to plan things and thrive on routine.

There are other issues too...although we really do have our good times . I often get the impression that I am something "broken" that he would like to fix....he truly can't understand why I am happy just the way I am.

ANANDAMIDE :
Evelyne, I've posted about this in other threads several times over the past few days.


Thank's and sorry, life is a beginning again and again. May I read it yet and where ?

BEENTHERE :
....he truly can't understand why I am happy just the way I am.


Does it mean not the same things make you happy ? He needs more ? You just feel good with some little hapiness ?

I thaught it was a question of time ???? It couldn't last.....

Evelyne...we share many things together that make us both happy.

But as the years go by I sometimes see resentment in his eyes...when he wants to spend time with his friends male or female...and I just would like to crawl in the nearest box and avoid them all because I am stressed to the max.

The mis-understandings at times that I am "cold"... because I don't show emotion (or sometimes show the wrong emotions) about things that he feels deeply about. I think there is always a part of me that is a stranger to him in his eyes...and the unknown can be frightening I guess.

I can take apart things, fix them, and put them back together in a blink of the eye. I question, observe, and study everything around me. He finds it crazy that I can learn or do so many things...but still be lacking by his standards in other seemingly basic areas...like just making a conversation with the neighbors.

I understand that you are in a relationship with an aspie...

All I can say is look closely...he is probably secure with who he is...he will not change, not now...not 10 years from now...and you can make eachother very unhappy or miserable by trying to force eachother to change. Any issues you have now may still be there in 10 years, if you have children they may become bigger issues. If you can say you truly accept him for how he is...I think you have a very good chance.

I've been married to an NT for almost 10 years. We're happily married - we do have our issues but I think every couple does, AS or NT. Every couple is gonna have things to deal with - for us if it wasn't AS/NT related stuff, it would be something else. Our biggest issue has always been communication. The problem is that I'm too quiet, I don't talk enough. I can do general day to day conversation/chit chat when I'm talking, but it's almost impossible for me to do anything deeper or more meaningful than that out loud. So when an issue comes up that needs to be discussed, that discussion probably isn't gonna happen (or if it does, it won't be discussed very well). It's a normal autistic communication problem but NT hubby just doesn't seem to understand or accept it - I can communicate very well in writing so I keep suggesting that we do that, but he doesn't want to. He want to 'teach' me to talk like a normal person. Sounds great, I'd love to learn, but after 10 years we haven't made any progress at all. So that's always been the biggest problem in our relationship.

Other issues for us - I don't need a lot of interaction with people and I tend to forget that he does need that, so he tends to end up feeling like I'm not paying enough attention to him, that I'm ignoring him. Of course naturally he assumes that I'm doing it on purpose, but I'm not. It's just that our needs are different in that area. So that's something that I have to be constantly aware of and make an effort to give him the attention he needs.

Another thing is the social side of things. Again, I don't need much interaction and I enjoy being with friends etc a bit, but definitely not as much as an NT. Hubby can't comprehend that - he thinks I don't like people. I like them, I just don't want to spend a lot of time with them... so that can be another source of conflict or misunderstanding between us.

Overall though, we are very happy together. It's just that our relationship has some unique challenges so we always need to be aware of those areas and put extra work into working on them so they don't become even bigger problems.

Boy I sure can relate to that one...what happens here is that I just end up not talking because I get frustrated with the situation and we go around in circles....

Benthere.. :

But as the years go by I sometimes see resentment in his eyes...when he wants to spend time with his friends male or female...and I just would like to crawl in the nearest box and avoid them all because I am stressed to the max.

The mis-understandings at times that I am "cold"... because I don't show emotion (or sometimes show the wrong emotions) about things that he feels deeply about. I think there is always a part of me that is a stranger to him in his eyes...and the unknown can be frightening I guess.

I understand that you are in a relationship with an aspie...

All I can say is look closely...he is probably secure with who he is...he will not change, not now...not 10 years from now...and you can make eachother very unhappy or miserable by trying to force eachother to change. Any issues you have now may still be there in 10 years, if you have children they may become bigger issues. If you can say you truly accept him for how he is...I think you have a very good chance.[/quote]


Yes I can understand that you may get problems in society, he needs much more contact to the others than you. Question : THIS MAY NEVER CHANGE WITH TIME ?

You are "cold", OK but he does know how and why ? He knows the problems does not mean he accepts them ?

Yes I think for my friend Aspie I do mean "security"!
I dont wan't him to change, I only wanted him to understand what problems he has so that he could better understand himself and perhaps I could help him...But You seem all to tell me that it's better not try to change Aspie. OK OK, not try to change....But I feel there is something to do ????

NEONGRL :

"

These are classical problems but does this change with time ? Or an Aspie married, with a lot of people allways around him, stays the same ? Doesn't he get used to social relations ?
Is it specially difficult for an Aspie to talk about himself and his problems ? With another Aspie, better with NT ?

How could he get happy in a " romantic relation" ?? The partner is just here for him, doesn't change his routine, doesn't try to change him ? does'nt try to teach him if he does'nt want ?
..

It is 6 o'clock in the morning in America...
Bonsoir

My aspie partner doesn't express himself as well as I would like. He can talk endlessly about his interests. But when there is a problem he doesn't have much to say. He repeats phrases when there is a problem. He drives me nuts saying, "Oh oh" and "Isn't this exciting?" Or, "Isn't it great?" The last two phrases are words he repeats when either he's happy or being ironic. I would like him to look into my eyes and tell me his most heartfelt thoughts. I don't think that will ever happen. So I have to accept him as he is. But he does show compassion or concern in other ways. He does gentle little almost buddhist things like bringing me flowers, or he bakes bread, or he cleans the house to show his concern about issues that effect our household. I've learned to appreciate the ways that he expresses himself, and take meaning from that rather than waiting for heartfelt verbal confessions.

I think it probably improves a little bit with time, but I wouldn't expect any big changes because the whole issue is a difference in the way our brains are wired. A relationship can work though if you're both committed to each other and willing to accept each other, and willing to put the work into working on issues that can be improved. It all depends on the individual people...

Wow, that sounds a lot like me. I'm glad you recognize the buddhist-ish things he does for you, that you see the intent behind them. My husband doesn't usually see it that way and I wish he would.

As for the part about him looking into your eyes and telling you his most heartfelt thoughts, sadly that may never happen. I can't speak for your partner, but for some of us it's not a case of not wanting to do it - we want it just as much as you do, it's that we can't do it. Something in our wiring is stopping us - just something for you to keep in mind. How is his communication in writing? That might be something for you to try - a lot of aspies can say way more in writing than they'd ever be able to say out loud. Again, that's another thing that my husband doesn't seem to understand or accept as well as I'd like.