What is love? / How do I know if my Asperger's man loves me?

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Ah, LPP - relying on insults already? That's rather disappointing... I find it a marvel that you dispense advice about relationships so freely and with such authority when you admit that it is an area you lack experience in, and where you have an incredibly biased opinion. But I can't complain, as you continue to provide opportunities to disprove your assertions and demonstrate that there is more than one way to live one's life. You are welcome to your perspective, just don't ask me to share it.


M.

And what's my lack of experience in that 'area' has anything to do with this? I wouldn't like your surrealism even I become a ladies'man.

What surrealism, LPP? You've yet to specify anything, save make vague accusation and insult. And my comments, if you will reread, were specifically in regards to your enthusiasm for posting in regards to love and dating... which, in the past, you have acknowledged your bias and beliefs that such things are illusory and non-existent despite evidence and anecdotes to the contrary. Whether you like my words or how they are phrased is irrelevant to me... *shrug* Have a Coke and a smile, I suppose.


M.

To the OP:
If he's your aspie man, it sounds like you already know the answer. What's left that would cause you to ponder about whether he loves you or not?

Hi all,

Sorry it took me forever and get back and respond to this. I really appreciate the replies I've gotten as I feel like they help me understand better what might be going on and I feel a little bit more secure about my relationship.

After having a few really frank discussions with my boyfriend, I do know that using the word "love" isn't okay yet. But I also know that it isn't bad that I feel the way I do, and that it's not impossible that he'll feel the same way I do sometime. He actually really freaked out about the whole idea of love and for a few days it really stressed him out and things were strained until I got him to open up and talk about what was upsetting him. He told me that he has no idea what love really is supposed to feel like or whether or not he loves me, and that it really scared him that I felt like I loved him and that he a) didn't know whether he loved me or not and b) that he felt like if I love him then he should feel the same way. It took me a while to convince him that it's okay that we might move at different paces and that it's not important that he falls in love with me at the same time I fall in love with him. I've avoided using the word 'love' with him for the last few weeks and I not only feel like he feels better about the situation but that things are also just better between the two of us than before. He seems to feel better now that he knows that two people don't always fall in love at the same time and that I am not going to expect him to fall in love with me (though it seems that is happening and of course I would love it if that did happen someday).

Our first 'fight'--or maybe it was just a serious talk-- was about this 'love' business and the fact that I felt insecure, because before I felt really afraid that if he felt like he had too much to do, then he would break up with me to focus on his schoolwork. He actually agreed with me, and said that he doesn't ever WANT to break up with me, but he feels like he should if his schoolwork demands too much of him. I of course agree that school comes first, but we got down to the bottom of the issue and found out that the problem is not his schoolwork but the fact that he is afraid that he will disappoint me if he has to start spending less time with me. I told him that school comes first and it doesn't matter to me if I see him once a day or once a week or once a month so long as we are together and that I know I come second to school, and after that he felt very relieved and we decided that we'll try and stick it out no matter how busy the two of us will become. I'm very happy about that.

I have tried not to feel disappointed by the fact that he says he doesn't know if he loves me or not, though at first that was hard for me to hear. But lately he has been spending even more time with each other before and we are very much a part of each others' routine, even staying together almost every night of the week. He is on vacation this week and has been texting and emailing me photos and stories almost every hour, so I know he is thinking of me and that makes me happy.

I guess if anyone else has any advice to offer, I would love to hear it. It seems like things are going great but I am always trying to find out more ways to make sure I am doing things right and making sure we are both always communicating. I really don't want to screw up this time because I've met my favorite person in the world but he's a bit sensitive and unsure of himself, too, and I don't want to make any mistakes with him if I can help it.

I am absolutely smitten with a fellow with AS.
At first I didn't know what to make of him at all. He's wearing shorts and it's February in Chicago.
We had lunch the second time we met and he told me all of his "pet peeves" such as needing to
be "clean" before having sex with someone.
Not normally something to mention at a second meeting.
He is physically very affectionate and loves to cuddle.
In fact after our lunch (the second time we met) he wanted to just cuddle and talk back at his place.
And that's exactly what we did.

He's just the most amazing guy I've ever met.
As long as I'm not too sensitive to his abruptness everything is good.

He did freak out when I told him I was falling in love with him.
And after reading these posts I understand better why that is.

He does need his "alone time" but he still includes me as much as he can.

Here's the problem.....he doesn't think or know he has AS.
He's always just believed that he was strange or weird or not good
at social stuff.
Or that he wasn't handsome enough or smart enough or athletic enough.
It kills me to know that most of his feelings and experiences could be explained
and have nothing to do with some defect he feels he has.

He is in his late 40's and I don't know if I should even approach the subject with him.
He doesn't have any idea what Autism is, let alone AS.

Any ideas?

Step 1. Read the entire thread
Step 2. Realize the thread is 4 years old
Step 3. Facepalm

What you write seems to be like he loves you. As a NT I also don't know what love feels like. I just know I feel like I care for the other person, also sometimes a longing when that person isn't around or I haven't seen them in a while. It is also when I want the other person to be happy too. If the other person isn't happy, then I don't feel content either unless the other person is happy. Honestly if a guy is comfy with me, cares for me and wants me happy then that's all I need. I can't describe love either. But it'd be nice to at least inform him that wjhat he feels for you is love. Because I'm sure it hurts when someone says they are not sure of the love for you and all of that. I'm also in an AS-NT relationship and we always say I love you to each other as a way to express missing each other and similar things like that. For me though, he took even the smallest feelings for love, so a bit of an opposite issue at first.

_________________
Neurotypical. I'm very friendly; feel free to message me.

ineptinmate wrote:
I am absolutely smitten with a fellow with AS.
At first I didn't know what to make of him at all. He's wearing shorts and it's February in Chicago.
We had lunch the second time we met and he told me all of his "pet peeves" such as needing to
be "clean" before having sex with someone.
Not normally something to mention at a second meeting.
He is physically very affectionate and loves to cuddle.
In fact after our lunch (the second time we met) he wanted to just cuddle and talk back at his place.
And that's exactly what we did.

He's just the most amazing guy I've ever met.
As long as I'm not too sensitive to his abruptness everything is good.

He did freak out when I told him I was falling in love with him.
And after reading these posts I understand better why that is.

He does need his "alone time" but he still includes me as much as he can.

Here's the problem.....he doesn't think or know he has AS.
He's always just believed that he was strange or weird or not good
at social stuff.
Or that he wasn't handsome enough or smart enough or athletic enough.
It kills me to know that most of his feelings and experiences could be explained
and have nothing to do with some defect he feels he has.

He is in his late 40's and I don't know if I should even approach the subject with him.
He doesn't have any idea what Autism is, let alone AS.

Any ideas?

ineptinmate, I too believe I am in a NT/AS relationship. I have only just had the revelation, in the past couple of months that my partner of almost 1 year has AS. He is 31. I suspected this after we began to fight about the most trivial things and neither of us could work out why we were disagreeing/arguing about things that other couples would be able to discuss and work through. After doing some research online, I did an extensive amount of reading of literature on AS to learn more about it in adults. I'm a school counsellor and it presents very differently in children. However, I am grateful that I have discovered this now. Given this information and newly acquired knowledge, I made an appointment with an Aspergers counsellor to discuss "where to from here".

The session was worthwhile, and she confirmed that my partner "fitted the template", but left me with a task of writing down what I wanted from the relationship, what I needed and what I was willing to compromise on. She said not to discuss this with him, which I found very difficult and confronting. I believe we're in the relationship together and as it is not your "typical" NT relationship, I have a strong belief that we need to work through things together and have an understanding of what each other needs and wants. It's not all about me. AS doesn't mean your partner can't do these things, it just means that unless they are told explicitly what you want and need, they don't know. So I left the session feeling quite deflated, which left me questioning everything about the relationship. Does he really have AS? Am I making it up? Maybe it's just him?

This left me in a downward spiral, until eventually I felt the need to talk to him about what I thought was affecting our relationship, and it wasn't just that our personalities clashed or that there was a communication issue, there was a more complex reason for our difficulties. Initially I tried to talk to him about AS without using the actual terminology (which was very difficult). But, as he got more overloaded with the information and started taking it as a personal attack, I needed to introduce him to what it was. He had no idea what Aspergers or Autism was, but took this information away with him and Googled it (as we all do). But in the case of finding objective Aspergers information, I have no idea what he read, but basically came back with "I think it's a load of bullsh*t and everybody has it." He is in complete denial that he has it, although I am almost 100% sure his younger brother and father both exhibit Aspergers traits. It has been a very frustrating time since then, as I feel as though I am the one educating myself and trying to fit in around him all the time.

I have since been to see a second counsellor, Katrin Bentley (author of "Alone Together") and she was wonderful. It was so good to be able to connect with another NT who has lived through and been married to an AS partner. I felt like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. It's so hard when you're talking to friends and family about the day-to-day issues of having an Aspergers partner, because they don't understand. Unless you've been in that situation and been in an relationship with an AS, you really have no idea how hard and frustrating it can be at times!

In saying that, I am not giving up and I'm not going anywhere. I am still educating myself and reading as much as I can on AS. He is a wonderful guy, I just wish he would see and understand why he is "so difficult to be in a relationship with" at times, (his words).

In my reply I will tell you some of my own experiences.

Now I may have not had a relationship that has gotten to the point where you are at but I still have a few tips.

In my life, asperger's, although helpful to being a completely underestimated underrated and unrecognized genius, you do not want it to be the center of thing you think could make him feel bad about himself. Now if you started off by listing the good qualities his aspergers brings out in him, that would make him more prone to accept it and raise his self esteem so to speak. When ever something in my life becomes a frustration because of aspergers, I always have to remember that aspergers is what I was born with and people are not trying to ostrasize me when they explain why they are treating me different. When you treat an aspie man or woman with a point of view that makes him a disabled confused man/woman, you will fail in making that man or woman happy at all. You have to point out the advantages his aspergers gives him, not just to try and get him to stop denying it, but to make him ever see it in a good light. Although I am an aspie quite skilled at making friends, I do not like it when people consider me incapable because of my aspergers. I will tell you, if he is genuinely trying to be the best he can be as your partner, and believes he is, he is and you should drop it at that. If you still think you need to tell him about him being an aspie, try and volunteer to get a psych eval with him, to make him feel like he is not the black sheep of the world. Show him that this will not stop you from loving him first, and point out the good things in being aspie, if he still has a hard time accepting it. At all times, make sure you are not making him feel victimized, ostrasized, or a freak, make him feel even more special because although he is an aspie he gets to be with a beautiful girl like you. Make him feel good about being special, and he will be more willing to listen to the bad news, if you know what I mean.

The mere fact that he can be himself around you, that he protected you from a stalker and a verbally abusive lab instructor, and the fact that you two have slept together are all indications that he loves you.

As you are well aware, high functioning autistics have trouble expressing their romantic feelings in a relationship, because they don't understand the social dynamics/social protocol. So it is very understandable that you are confused about whether he loves you or not, since he doesn't act in the normal neurotypical ways.

But all the evidence you have supplied is proof, in my opinion, of his love for you. I think the reason why he is saying that he is deciding whether he loves you or not, is because saying "I love you", is taking things to a new level.

When you are casually dating, and meeting someone a couple of times, saying "I love you." comes across as needy and desperate. Saying "I love you" is serious, it makes the relationship serious from that point on. It is a bona fide emotional commitment, and that might scare him.

Just my thoughts.