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I have been dating a man with Asperger's for 6months now. We had a rocky start to say the least. Had a hard time getting regular communication and time together. But then things took off. Then we started spending everyday together.

Starting into the relationship he let me know his need for privacy and I agreed to respect it. I agreed to keep our dating private. And I am determined to stick to my agreement but I will admit it bothers me that he doesn't want to let people, esp other women that flirt with him, know that he has a girlfriend. I trust him and I know that he rejects their advances. But seriously why not just say I have a girlfriend?

Then early on we were intimate. More then once. And then that stopped and it's literally been months since there as even been any heavy petting, much less anything else.

I've talked to him about these issues and he has a way of reassuring me and explaining were he stands with it all. And I'm trying to be patient. But I can't help but wonder... if he was really into me wouldn't he want physical intimacy? He has shown he's not opposed to it in the past. And woudn't he want to brag that I was his? Or am I just NT and therefore needy and shallow and need to suck it up?

Any thoughts?

Maybe his feelings for you go deeper than that. Would you prefer a guy who just wanted you for physical intimacy and the ability to brag that he has a girlfriend?

As for why he'd be afraid to admit his feelings... does he have strict parents that he's afraid of damaging his relationship with if they don't "approve" of who he's with? I knew a guy who had this happen to him.

Do you know if he's had a girlfriend in the past? If so, he probably associates "I have a girlfriend" with even more women making advances (since guys that have girlfriends *must* be the most desirable, right?)


This sounds like most other relationships that have been described to me, regardless of AS or NT... the early "honeymoon" phase of the relationship ended, and after that you have to work at it to maintain the relationship. If he's unwilling to hold up his end of the relationship, he may be taking you for granted and it may be time to move on.

Cyberman's explanation about strict parents is one possible scenario... I know what it's like to have parents like that (as i have such parents), and it's possible that if he's in any contact with those parents that they found out...

I think that him talking you out of your gut feelings means that you are not taking yourself seriously enough.
He may be a great guy, but I don't think he's the one for you. You need someone you don't always have questions about.

Actually, this is the exact issue I had with both of my long term girlfriends. I insist on not telling my parents about anyone I am dating, and they don't understand why, and eventually they forced me to which ruined the relationship. I don't know about your bf, but in my case it is only the issue of my parents. I don't mind people knowing I have a girlfriend as long as they can guarantee that they would never tell my parents about it. But, since I can't track down who talks to whom in order to make sure to ask everyone who has heard about my gf not to tell my parents, I prefer if no one knows it.

The reason I don't want my parents to know about my gf-s is that I don't want to admit that I have sensitive side to them. So when I was finally forced to tell them about my gf, I told them that I was not in love with these girls, and was simply dating them out of pride in order to say that I have a girlfriend. Now, this happened to be true, since, in each case, by the time my parents learned of a relationsihp it already went very rocky. But still the poitn is that even if they were to learn about a relatiship at a "good" time when i WERE in love with them, I would simply have lied that I was not.

Now, the reason I just said that it was only a problem with my parents is because I had my first girl friend at 23 (right now I am 29). But, if I were to have my first girl friend any time before I was 18, I would have been hiding her from everyone, independently of my parents. This have changed after I learned to use internet at 17. I then started to make a point of expressing the kinds of feelings on the internet that I wouldn't do in a "real life". Looking back, a lot of it was something I regard as silly now. For instance, back then I dreaded that any "real person" (i.e. outside the internet) finds out that I missed Russia during my first two years in USA, and I "confided" this "secret" to the people on the message board since they were "not real" and therefore "safe".

Now as I "confided" more and more on message board, eventually I became more comfortable talking about things to "real" people as well, as long as these "real people" have no communication with my parents. There was some "small" change in parents realm. For instance I remember someone asked me if I missed Russia and it just slipped out "yes, during first two years", and I wasn't upset that I said it, even though my mom was right there and heard me. However, as you probably understand, admitting being in love is a lot more than just admitting that I missed Russia. So the love thing is what I still find literally IMPOSSIBLE to admit to my parents, although I improved in that I CAN admit it to others, as long as I have guarantee my parents won't find out.

My husband was the same way. We were living together before we were married, with all the perks with that if you know what I mean.....I even washed his clothes, but he told everyone that I was his "roommate". He wouldn't even put me on the answering machine. It was hard. I don't know why he was like that. He can't explain it now, other than he is sorry he was such a butt.

I think it just took time for him to adjust to the change in his life, to get in touch with his feelings for me and comfortable enough to express them in a way that I understood. The AS brain is different from the NT brain, it can be very hard to understand what you have never experienced yourself, so you tend to see things from an NT point of view. Keep reading this website and ask questions. One day you will get an epiphany and it may make things easier to understand. If he is able to reassure you, try to trust and believe in him, and be patient. Your relationship will grow, it just may grow a little slower than you would like. Maybe the intimacy freaked him out a little. Hang in there.

Good things come to those who wait

I think it is very possible that there's a phobia there about the parents breaking up his relationships or outright disapproving. One of the biggest dealbreakers in the history of mankind is the one partner does NOT get along with the other partner's parents. This has been the ruin of many a relationship since the beginning of time.

What I thought was that when you're in love, you implicitly want to share yourself completely with the person you're in love with, sharing with the loved one not only your strengths, but also your weaknesses. Admitting that he has a girlfriend is essentially an admission that one, he has weaknesses to start with, and two, that he shares them with another person. Of course, everybody has weaknesses, but most AS folks get very easily defensive or are very very careful who they open up to, so they are more reluctant to admit weaknesses and imperfections to people they do not love. Consequently your guy may be unwilling to say that he has a girlfriend to those people.

Secondly, most AS folks are very indepedent-minded, and don't particularly like the feeling of being controlled or being tied down. A lot of Aspies don't like the thought of marriage, and while many of them don't like the NT rituals associated with it, I think that many also don't like the perceived restrictions an official marriage represents, although they seem to be perfectly willing by their own will to be in a lifelong, committed relationship. I think it's for the same reason that your guy might be trying to avoid the boyfriend/girlfriend label altogether. I don't think it's because he is an ass, or that he doesn't love you or anything like that. It sounds like he really does love you! But as ToadofSteel pointed out, the decreased intimacy and heavy petting now compared to earlier could be a result of his taking you for granted. Eating filet mignon is awesome, but even that gets tiring and boring if you eat it every day. It's at that point that some people start mixing things up a bit and spicing things up to make things different and interesting. Are you guys into toys and handcuffs?

having a girlfriend is a weakness ??? I thought it was an honor.... wow I was way off then.

Maybe part of it is how relationships are personal, but also very public. Suddenly it's appropriate for people to pry into (and maybe to meddle with) one's emotional life on a level that wasn't possible before. I.e. new social interactions to work out -- recognizing when people are being competitive about their relationship, evaluating which new questions people will be asking are appropriate and inappropriate,
working out successful responses for when people are disrespectful (ie will stop it but won't result in getting fired, etc). Sort of a whole new world of bullying to work out.

Maybe it seems like a world of strangers is just itching to soil (pass judgment, ridicule, meddle) something that feels 'sacred,' so there's an attempt to protect that by not telling the world that the sacred thing exists.

No, I didn't say that at all. The act of having a girlfriend is not the weakness, the weakness is inside himself. He shares his vulnerable side with you when he cares for you. Do you know how the people closest to you are the ones who can hurt you the most? It's because you are the most open with those you love, because you trust the ones you love the most. A huge difference between NTs and AS folks is the level of comfort with unfamiliar people. Compared to AS folks, NTs are immensely trusting of strangers. AS folks, in contrast, are extremely suspicious of strangers. You wouldn't tell suspicious strangers all the sensitive details about your personal life. He does not trust these other people; if something were to happen to you, he'd be devastated. Not publicly declaring/bragging that you are his girlfriend is a means of protecting you and himself. He doesn't want to share himself with other people, he wants to share himself just with you instead. You still think that's not an honor?

Actually, that sums up my dillema very well. On the one hand, I think having emotions is a weakness, since I used to be proud of myself of being all into math and science without any other needs. On the other hand, having a TITLE of a boyfriend is a strength. So, as a result of combination of these two things, on the one hand, I am all desperate to have a gf because it is strength, and, on the other hand, if I have one I am desperate to hide it because it might reveal that I have emotoins, aka weakness.

I don't know may be I have a different concept of love. When I am in love with someone I want to share all weaknesses with them, and tehn they often tell me taht if I am not a happy person I am not ready for a relationship. And I am totally confused by taht concept: isn't the whole point of relationship to surrender oneself to someone and feel protected, so that means that if you are not happy, you might need relationships MORE than others.

I guess this probably ties up to why I don't share it with parents. If I knew why relationships are for people who are cofnident as opposed to for people who depressed, I would do better job impressing women with confidence *AND* I won't be so embarassed of admitting my relatinoships to my parents, either.

Not all of us!

Thank you guys for the insight it really helped allot. And what I meant by an honor is .... I'm so excited to have this person as my bf I want to tell everyone. I want to brag. I think he is so handsome, and honest, and caring and I could go on and on.... and I want to say hey he picked me were together. I want to stake my claim and put my label there for the world to see. I know this is my insecurity not his. And so I'm doing my best to wait until he is comfortable and ready to go public. Your responses have really given me some insight. As far as the intimacy stopping I guess party for one will have to do.