I have a complicated problem. A long time ago I dated a guy in college. We dated and broke up a few times. We were at a private type college and both of us believed it was wrong to have sex before marriage, but we kissed alot and it was fantastic! I loved him so much, and he loved me. I was not a virgin, so it was harder for me to not want to go further. Anyway, that's why we broke up. I felt so bad for being tempted and wanting to do more. I never explained to him the reasons why I wld break up with him. Well, I never forgot him. Over the years I googled him to try to find him, but never could. I wanted to apologize to him for treating him so badly. He probably thought there was something wrong w/him, but it was me.
A few months ago I found him! After more than 20 years. I asked him to forgive me for the way I treated him. I was afraid he would hate me, but he didn't. He said he had tried to find me too over the years.
We began e-mailing each other and caught up. I had married after college, but mine ended in divorce. He married, but has separated a few times over the years. He is still married with kids. I don't think either of us planned to get involved again. We both still had strong feelings for each other. I know it is not right, but I love him so much. I can honestly say that I have thought about him practically every day since those college days. I have never felt like this about anyone. I think I have been "in love" before, but nothing like this. I have never had such passion and desire for anyone. It's not just a sexual attraction. It's so much more than that. He is so tender and gentle, so loving and thoughtful. He is brilliant. I am overweight, but he said he didn't care. He makes me feel beautiful and desireable. We spent the weekend together a couple of times. I thought that would be enough for me...to just take what I could get or what he could give. Of course I want more, but he is married and has kids to think about too. I realize it's harder for him. I have a child, but I am not married. I don't know if he would leave his wife.
I have that problem, but right now there is another more pressing and difficult thing going on. He has Asperger's. He was a little different in college, but really it was a good kind of different. He didn't know until the last couple of years that he had AS. He also has ADHD and suffers from depression. Well, he has this kind of job that certain times a year he is like so busy. It's like he works two full-time jobs at one place. When we found each other it was not during that busy kind of time. He warned me before we ever met up in person that during his busy times we would not have much of a relationship. I thought I understood, but it is far worse than I imagined. We went from chatting back and forth for a couple of hours a day to an e-mail and a phone call once in a while. He went two weeks before e-mailing me or a phone call and this time it has been almost 3 weeks. I got really depressed, b/c I thought maybe he just changed his mind about me for some reason. I didn't understand if he loves me why he would not talk to me for so long. He said he can love somebody and not talk to them for a couple of weeks, b/c of his work and how he just emotionally shuts down when he is under such a high amount of stress.
He said in an e-mail that he loves me, wants me, and does not regret the time we were together. He said he does not want to break up. This is so complicated on so many levels. I never thought I would be in this kind of relationship, (with a married man), b/c I had done that when I was a teen with an older man. It's just that it is him! The love of my life...as the song says from the movie Hope Floats..."You're the only one I can't forget." I don't want to let him go again. I believe what he says, but he is acting kind of different now that he is under so much stress and working so much.
I don't know what my question is. I hope people will not think I am a terrible person. I am not someone who is wild at all. I had not been with anyone since my divorce and that was many years ago. There has been no one that I was interested in. "He" is just so different.
I guess I want to know what it is like for someone who has AS when they are under a lot of stress.
Please don't judge...
10 Oct 2009, 12:01 am
