Issues and needs

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Im new here, I figured if anyone can help me figure out what to do it would be people in a community like this. Im a high functioning asperger Ive been told but have avoided doctors for years after a series of over a hundred therapists and over fifty different meds ranging from antidepressants to add meds to antipsychotics. I thought I had most things in my life figured out to a science so I would be able to cope with things but then there is my obsession. The only thing that has ever been able to bring me any form of happiness is romance. Ive only had a few girlfriends but these last three have been my breaking point, the first was in highschool and was an old friend who moved to another state and left me after god supposedly told her to after someone hit my brand new car 2 hours after getting it so I could go visit her. The next was crazy and ended up using my care for her to try to convince me to kill myself and even got another guy to try to kill me, cheated on me and turned everyone I knew against me. After that I only survived because my current girlfriend saved me and we had a really happy relationship so far for the most part but she is manic depressive and left me once before and after two years is thinking of leaving me again. I feel so helpless, she is so distant and cruel to me unintentionally and wont get help for her manic depression. Ive never once even been mad at this woman and I love her with all my heart but I cant seem to save us and help her. Ive been in a constant panic attack for months now and keep making things worse because she takes most things I say as mean even though its never meant that way. I told her when we first started dating that I cant deal with losing her like an average person but now that its happening I feel that I have to leave town to avoid the hurt and to save my life but I dont want to have to start over at 22. I dont have anywhere to go really, no friends, no family that Im close to. I just want to save this life I have here but I dont know what to do, can anyone give me any ideas because I dont know what to do. Ive never felt so pathetic and helpless in all my life and all my girlfriend feels is that I just love too much and its too much for her, Ive backed off all I can but nothing helps. I need help

Are you able to keep going to therapy? If you have problems dealing with emotions in general advice may only do so much.

I kinda understand the whole starting your life over at 22, i'm 23 turning 24 and it feels like i'm about to do the same thing. I think we both have to do our best to push through and go for it. I mean if there's anything that you can do for yourself right now, anything that can help you pursue your goals, live a productive life, etc--You OWE it to yourself to do it. So do I. I have many problems myself involving close people in my life. If they are not contributing anything productive to your life, you owe it to yourself the freedom to take the initiative and give yourself whatever you were missing.

Anyway, I wish I knew a little bit more about your story, I hope the advice posted was constructive in some way.

Therapy never worked, along with any meds, I even tried again last year and I couldnt get anything our of it except frustration and anxiety, its tough because having someone in my life to love and loves me makes me able to feel happy and for once not have to worry if Im going to lose control and do something bad. With this woman I have been able to start painting, develop my books and learn to play music, when I lose that I stop having drives or desires, hopes, dreams, wishes, anything, I know this from my last girlfriend because I ended up homeless, jobless and incapable of doing almost anything, I even tried to commit myself to an institution because I couldnt feel anything but pain. I sold everything I owned and tried to disappear. I wish I could stop being like this but I dont know what to do, I cant find happiness any other way that Ive tried and I makes life unlivable most of the time

I guess it comes down to, are you better off without this person or with this person. Was she diagnosed with manic depressive bipolarism? Or do you or she assume she has it?

Why is she considering leaving this time? What exactly led to her deciding to leave?

Also maybe you can post more about the relationship, how is she cruel to you unintentionally? What does she do/say to you that is causing you to feel this way?


Worst case scenario, if you guys break up you can still find someone else. Starting over is difficult, but if she can't accept you in the relationship even after trying your best--you're better off.