life support

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^I think HH is talking about the issue of me taking advantage of her... It's a perfectly valid issue concerning the ages of the people involved, and it's part of why I'm taking this very slowly and trying my hardest to not impose any pressure on her at any point in the relationship...

That's pretty much what I have done at this point, and probably why we're still in a relationship. Still, I'm worried that by doing that I'm just keeping her in a relationship that really is detrimental, and I don't want that for her...


Well I think we're not going to lose the friendship because of this. I think that both of us had some mature expectations going in (especially so given how old we are), and we were prepared to handle a transition back to friends if this didn't work out. In time, we can probably just laugh at it. But it doesn't make the heartbreak and the realization that I have failed for all eternity any less painful...


Which makes me feel even worse... I just wanted her to be happy, and now regardless of what happens, she's going to be anything but...

I hear you - I know it can be difficult to find organizations or situations in which you'll feel comfortable. But you did find your church, right? So those organizations do exist - and there are more of them out there.

I'm not suggesting you separate from your church, just that you take some time to investigate other opportunities and organizations. You could ask the people who organize your group at church - they might be a great source to find other groups. As an alternative, you could join a group associated with your interest(s) - that way, you'll get the benefit of being part of the organization - enhancing your interest in the subject matter - whether you meet anyone or not.

I don't mean to minimize the difficulties you may encounter in expanding your social circle. However, while it may be difficult to do, it's certainly possible. There's no time limit on when you can get married....you can meet a woman in any situation and get to know her for as long as you like. You have a lifetime of possibilities ahead of you - please don't shut the door on them.

I didn't "find" my church, I grew up in it... it's more of a home to me now than my actual home...


I have no idea where such groups might even be.... and I don't want to get involved in something just to get ostracized out of it shortly thereafter because I'm "weird" (which is what happened to me and just about everything else I ever got involved in)...

I don't think I'm shutting the door on them, but I doubt they're ever going to present themselves...

You haven't failed at all! Someone once told me that all first relationships are a disaster and that we'd never learn otherwise. Whilst it's not true for everyone, none of my aquaintances are still with their first loves, and I'd actually feel a bit sorry for them if they were. I read about a woman who married her childhood sweetheart and they divorced 40 years later; she'd never been in love wih anyone else and felt as if noone but her ex could love her.. kind of what you're feeling right now, but you're still young enough to find out sooner or later that it's not true.

I do know what you're going through; I broke up with my first boyfriend earlier this year (I'm in my early twenties too by the way) and it was horrible, and heart breaking, and the worst feeling in the world... but it's suppose to be, and whilst it doesn't seem possible at the time, you do get over it after a while.

I think it's commendable that you are taking it slowly, but she may just be getting cold feet and worried that soon she'll be on too deep to get out; there's not a whole lot you can do about that, except be there as a friend afterwards (not in the hope of getting back together, but just as a friend) and put it all in the past.

Whilst it's good that you are thinking of her through the relationship, if the break up does happen, dwelling on how upset she is and how she is affected is not a good idea, because there's a little spark inside everyone that wants to see that the person who rejected them is missing them. It may turn out that she takes the break up very well (or acts that way), which can cause a lot of upset when you yourself feel awful.

My advice if you do break up is to have a few weeks afterwards where you do not have any contact with each other at all until the feelings have died down a bit and you feel stronger and more platonic.

Best of luck!

I suggested that you start looking for new groups by asking the people that organized the group at your church. Obviously, you know those people, and you must be comfortable enough with them to approach them. I'm sure they work with other churches (community outreach, food drives, etc.), so they know people who organize groups at other churches. I'm sure they'd be happy to do a little networking and find out if there are similar groups in other churches in your area. (Or maybe you could organize a larger group of groups like yours across churches.)

As for groups that support your interest, can you do a little searching on the old intertubes and see what's in your area? I understand your concerns about being ostracized, but do you think you could be a quiet observer at a meeting, just to see if you're interested enough to want to try a second meeting?

Look, you can choose to step out of your comfort zone, and away from the idea that this 17 year old girl is your only chance at love....or not. Nobody is going to force you to live your life any differently than you are right now. But being alone for the rest of your life is a pretty high price to pay to hang on to the idea that she's your one and only.

Who are you to judge?

An actual Judge would definately have something to say about it if 17 is under the legal age.

I'm a little surprised that the above would be Trivia's first and only post thus far. It seems a little sock-puppety.

yes, but it is so trivial. . .

LOL.

But wouldn't the same Judge also have something to say if he was caught smoking marijuana?
I think it's ethically evil to eat meat, but no one is going to court for that.

Oh great, it's a pedophile sock puppet.

He's in New Jersey where it's 16.

I'm sorry you are right HH. It would be so much more ethically acceptable if she were one year older.

I'm starting to feel seriously concerned for this girl.

Concerns about her being too young for the situation she's in are met with absolutely no regard for her by either Toad or Trivia-the-sock-puppet. Both of them only make statements about serving Toad's interests.

It's kind of horrible.