Nice Guys and Love, what's your take on the issue

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I am a "Nice gal" Asperger. I am recently divorced and now dating an undiagnosed Asperger guy he is 42. He is obsessed with women and we can't watch a movie or TV without his comments on how "hot" this or that actress is. This kind of behavior isn't just reserved for celebrities, I also have to listen to him name all the women he has slept with in the last 20 years, then he even tells me of the ones he would "do" if he could!

It is disturbing at times because some of these "women" have turned out to be 20 years or more younger than he is, and most were married.
He has a fixation on having sex with married women. He also is into looking at porn on my computer all hours of the night while I am asleep.

He justifies this by telling me, " I love all women, but I love the one I'm with the most". I don't feel secure, he mentions marriage now and then.

I have had 2 marriages already both were NTs. I want desperately to have a relationship with a man who makes me feel secure and loved above all. That is the way I am. I don't lust after celebrities or anyone else I am not emotionally involved with.....are there men like me?

Alone-in-the-Crowd:

Be careful with this guy. Lust is a very dangerous thing, and lead to very ugly conflicts if not controlled carefully.

I am the same as you. I do not lust after anyone that I do not know well. I can't speak for the rest of the Aspergians, but it seems to me that we don't have that problem to the same degree as NT's do; that is just my opinion.

I would do anything for a nice guy right now! I'm very sympathic towards men and the human species as a whole. Of course women want a senistive man!

Alone-in-the-Crowd, I agree with chelischili7... woah! That guy sounds like a jerk! Why is it that you're into him? I think that when you make a decision not to go for guys who are outwardly charming, you have to start going for guys who are inwardly charming.

*sigh* I still don't get this nice-guy debate, though. Has nobody figured out the difference between "a guy that is nice" and "a guy about whom there's nothing else to say except 'nice'"? Yea, "nice" and "guy" are both in the description, but they're two completely different things! "Nice" is a generic and boring adjective to use to describe somebody. If they're smart, goofy, funny, attractive, philosophical, passionate, fascinating... any of those words would replace "nice" in describing somebody if those words applied. "Nice" means "boring" not because people who are nice are boring, but because you would use a more interesting, descriptive word if such a word applied. Even words that might be considered synonymous with "nice"... words like "sweet," "romantic," "patient," "loving," "understanding," "compassionate," "thoughtful." All those things are qualities that would make a person nice.. but they're more descriptive, more meaningful. To say that someone is "nice" means that those other words don't so much apply, or you would be using those more accurate, less generic words.
Nice is good, nice is great-- but there has to be more.

Whether I'm optimistic or pessimistic about dating hasn't ever mattered for me. There's only been one simple rule that has been a constant. If a woman tells me "your a nice guy" or "you'd make a great father" I can chuck any chance of a relationship out the window.

I don't mean they say that to soften a rejection, I mean they say it with enthusiasm. Like they've found something rare and exciting. I wonder, If I were mean to them and stole lollipops from children would women tell me they hated me try to hold my hand?

Hmmm. I think perhaps some of you males are using 'girls don't like nice boys' as an excuse for the lack of romance in your lives. Why would you want someone who prefers a macho idiot anyway? There are plenty of females who would kill to be with a nice guy for once. And not just ugly 'make do' girls either.

My thoughts as a 22 year old chronic nice guy.

Nice guys are way behind the times when it comes to dating. They think of things in this formal, logical way, you meet a woman, become friends, ask her out on a date, go on the date, kiss, buy her flowers, go on another date or series of dates, have sex. This style of courtship has clearly demarcated steps that allow you to chart your progress, and places heavy emphasis on verbal interaction. This, however, is not how human beings are biologically programmed to court, but a product of the male-dominated social systems of old. In these systems, it was extremely important, for a number of reasons, to regulate who was reproducing with whom. At first, fathers took care of this with arranged marriages, then, for a while, it was thought that the woman might take over the vetting, with the same goals as her parents had for her, that she find a successful, stable, polite, nice guy.

Now, this is not how people actually court, and this is not how a lot of courtship worked even in the days of arranged marriages. women were still seduced by alphas, the old "traveling salesman" story. However, this was kept largely hidden or blamed on a woman's moral failure or disease, instead of what it was, normal human mating. Nowadays, we can be more honest about how mating actually works instead of expecting women to remain virgins until marriage or only have sex when in a relationship with a serious boyfriend.

The modern relationship usually involves informal settings, such as a bar or party. The man's role here is to give the woman an exciting and emotional experience, something she doesn't get when she goes to work or school. Women use much more non-verbal communication than men and are more emotionally sensitive, so the successful male dater will know how to receive and give proper non-verbal signals and be able to hit emotional buttons to excite the woman, as well as know the proper time to move things to the next level without having to be told.

Nice guys are not comfortable doing this, and assume women feel the same way. They approach the relationship logically rather than emotionally. They ask talk as if they want a long-term relationship, conversations designed to tell women- "I am not a threat, I am stable and safe." But what the woman wants to hear are statements that say "spend some time with me, I am interesting, exciting, passionate, and will engage you emotionally as a sexual being," moreover, they want the body language to match.

One problem I had when growing up is that my major female role model, my mother, kept telling me that the traditional relationship paradigm was what worked. "If you just be a nice guy, you'll eventually meet someone, I was friends with your father before we dated." What she didn't tell me, and I only figured out recently, was that she was 33 and looking to settle when she met my father, and she had shifted into a more logical courtship mindset. When pressed, she finally admitted that she had spent her twenties pining after the alpha types, guys the opposite of my software engineer father. She was telling me about the relationship that ultimately worked for her in her thirties, but it was not the advice I need to hear as a teenager trying to date teenage girls looking for something completely different.

One of the advantages of the whole "pick-up artist" movement is that it is getting this information out to nice guys who otherwise would approach dating from a logical, problem solving point of view. A lot of these men are analytical types, lawyers, doctors, engineers, who are trying to apply the mindset that works in their classes or jobs to dating, which is a situation that requires a different type of approach. A nice guy thinks he is presenting women with a perfectly logical choice by talking to her in a way that encourages her to logically choose him, but in realty, a woman wants an "alpha male" that will talk to her on an emotional level.

i've learned from the past
being nice to people gets you nowhere
and they use you
so f**k em
they don't deserve it, I don't wanna give it to them
not everyone with AS is a "sweet, caring, nice guy"
i am certainly not, and good thing, I once was and it dragged me under like a bag of sand

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LemonBubblez wrote:
tpal wrote:
And to you, Mr. Nice Guy? Don't give up! There are girls and women who are looking for you. If someone doesn't appreciate you for who you are move on and find someone who will appreciate you.


Hehe, this statement is best described as a horrible, horrible lie.


Agreed and I will share some reasons why:

#1 reason: the man who was forced to wait too long (whatever that limit might be) will not wait any further and will eventually become something of a misogynist and will ironically not see that the particular lady who happens to come into his life is interested or will reject her out of hand in a general sort of "revenge".

OR: #2: even if he does not act as in scenario #1 it will happen too late for him to marry and have kids.

OR: #3: the woman who has woken up to this truth about her past behavior and tries to reform will be too old to hold his interest.

And in general: #4: women select men due to peer pressure and either: A): most likely will see other women reject him and word of this gets around and so most women will continue to shun him because they don't want to be perceived as chasing unworthy material, or B): his self-image will suffer to the point where even if he does not become the misogynist under scenario #1, he will send out "loser" vibes and women will shun him - just as they would if he acts bitter.>>

I could not agree more with the above. This is how it has been for me my entire adoloscent and adult life. And people wonder why _in addition to being AS - I have become anti-social and withdrawn.

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LemonBubblez wrote:
tpal wrote:
And to you, Mr. Nice Guy? Don't give up! There are girls and women who are looking for you. If someone doesn't appreciate you for who you are move on and find someone who will appreciate you.


Hehe, this statement is best described as a horrible, horrible lie.


Agreed and I will share some reasons why:

#1 reason: the man who was forced to wait too long (whatever that limit might be) will not wait any further and will eventually become something of a misogynist and will ironically not see that the particular lady who happens to come into his life is interested or will reject her out of hand in a general sort of "revenge".

OR: #2: even if he does not act as in scenario #1 it will happen too late for him to marry and have kids.

OR: #3: the woman who has woken up to this truth about her past behavior and tries to reform will be too old to hold his interest.

And in general: #4: women select men due to peer pressure and either: A): most likely will see other women reject him and word of this gets around and so most women will continue to shun him because they don't want to be perceived as chasing unworthy material, or B): his self-image will suffer to the point where even if he does not become the misogynist under scenario #1, he will send out "loser" vibes and women will shun him - just as they would if he acts bitter.>>

I could not agree more with the above. This is how it has been for me my entire adoloscent and adult life. And people wonder why _in addition to being AS - I have become anti-social and withdrawn.

If you are not good looking, not rich, not a bad boy. You are a nobody. No one wants a nobody. No one wants a loser.

Women are generally shallow and are only interested in superficial things. Good looking guy and being rich. Women are more judgemental than men. There are fewer women in the world than men. Why should the women settle for second best?

Anyway I accept I am an ugly nobody and a loser. I will spend the rest of my life alone. No big deal. The hardest part is accepting things and just trying to live life to the best you can.

You are better off alone instead of trying to be someone you are not.

Would you guys like some cheese with that whine? I bet most of you have never had women at work pretend to hit you because they thought it'd make your day and they could laugh at you behind your back, or at random women in supermarkets and shopping malls of all ages point and laugh at you based on your appearance and demeanor, or had to withdraw from college because girls in your classes were harassing you.

If you're shy, become more outgoing. If you're ugly, lower your standards. You don't want ugly women, why would an attractive woman want you?