Why do I despise being single?

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I've been reflecting on things in recent days and I just can't seem to figure out why I want a girlfriend so badly right now, more so than I ever have. This has come to my mind because it will be five years on July 2nd since I "officially" started looking. It all started with a phone call to a girl I liked, that took several months to gather up enough courage to do. That one, naturally, ended up a disaster.

I wanted one badly then, I wanted one even more badly in 2003, and now I want one more badly then ever before. Week after week I am asking girls to come hang out, or contacting them on Lavalife.

Is there a need in my life that is not being fulfilled? I don't know. I wish I could figure it out so I didn't have to hate being single so, so much.

Last edited by ELLCIM on 30 Jun 2006, 3:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Maybe it's because you would like someone in your life?

Just a suggestion.

Obviously I want someone in my life. But why? And why to the point that I have adverse reactions when it doesn't work out? I'm sick of being single, but I'm also sick of being sick of being single.

I ask myself the same questions. I have always wanted a girlfriend very badly but I go out of my way to hide any hint or suggestion of it. I don't want to appear desperate or needy but there are times when I feel those as well. I actually believe that I am not meant to be alone. I am not wired for it, never have been, and I don't believe I ever will be. There are some people who are meant to be alone and like it and there are some who are content with it but also would enjoy a romance if it came along. There are some people who are not meant to be single and it depresses them and the painful feelings will not go away until they are with someone.

Matthew

this is a usual aspie thing...the desrie for freinds and relationships but an inavbility to keep or maintain them.

aspies have feelings like everyone else. it is the inability to express them APPROPRIATELY that sets us apart.............so we have feelings of wantign yesrning, lust and desire for comapnionship and sharing...these feelings are there but we cant express them properly but humans need to have these feeling met and satisfied we just do, but apsies have these feelings but cant express them and so no outlet just a constant build up of wantig relationships but no actual knowledge of how to achieve this..its emotional and we arent wired to do it, but we still want them cause we ae human.

makes sense?

It is impossible to say without more info from you, and maybe impossible to be accurate even then.

Has there been a recent trauma or big change in your life? Has someone close to you gotten ill or died? Have you watched friends marry, and see less of them now? Have you noticed people slightly older than you who seem very lonely? Are you afraid to be like them at their age?

Any health problems? All those things can make someone feel more vulnerable even if they are not traumatic per se.

I will say that Lavalife or any other internet dating site is not the best way to meet people. i would say common interest types of clubs is a much better way.

Also - as a rule girls interpret being called months later, as being last on your list. If you dont want to make her feel like an also-ran, call her sooner, or have a good excuse why you didn't. Just an NT female's point of view there

My grandfather did die in April, but I've had these feelings for five years now. And they're only increasing.



Aside from Asperger's, I've been on anti-depressants for almost four years now. I have never been diagnosed with depression but I suspect that I have had it from time to time, particularly since I did better for awhile after I had my Zoloft dosage doubled last December.



You're probably right. Dating sites cost too much money anyways. I like some people at my university, so I've got options there.

I should also note that the drive to have a girlfriend for me goes much further back than puberty when sexual attraction became a major factor (as it does for most people). When I was six years old, I wanted to have one. I'd chase a girl around the schoolyard and attempt to kiss her on the cheek, and then I'd get in trouble. I had a huge fantasy about one girl in my first grade class, and I did everything imaginable at that age...and my early eccentricies really showed through there.

I wrote a note to her demanding that she invite me to her birthday party, and I decided to use the same wide font that was used for news title graphics on WDIV-TV in Detroit at that time (I always had an obsession with WDIV, but I'll save that for another post on the TV board).

Then I started up my own pretend TV station where I was the president, and I forced this girl to be the director. For a number of months I refused to call her by her real name, but instead always called her Judy - naming her after Judy Halliday, a reporter/host on CITY-TV in Toronto. I went as far as to re-write the Our Father prayer to say "All names are allowed except (her name)" in place of "Hallowed by thy name", because of this twisted fantasy of wanting to marry someone and run a TV station with them.

This just keeps going, so I'll stop.

Trust me, you're talking to another desperate aspie here. Though I'm not one for poetical flourish, King Kong has nothing on me when it comes to lovesickness. The only thing is while he's a giant gorilla that will rampage, I just wallow about in depression. Just like the girl I like I keep mentioning.

Only thing is when I learned she had a boyfriend, I just fell apart emotionally. It's been something I'm keeping from many people, and I am unsure if she knows I like her. A friend of her's said she knew I liked her, I'm like how, and she said she figured it out on her own. Then this girl says "she knows you like her" so I fall apart and tackle her "WHAT?" However, I doubt girl I like knows of this.

What do I do? I know chances of reciprocation are virtually nil and I don't know if I should tell her. She's very passive personality, and I'm afraid I might make her feel bad about herself if I confess my feelings for her. (she's been through this situation with another person; it got ugly after he started slandering about her, basically calling her a slut)

Here's what I've established so far:
-She's a great friend; we share common interest base, and I ran into her at a cosplay group of all things! She also videogames (Soul Calibur is her favorite game series) and reads comics.
-She's very friendly; perhaps one of the most genuinely nices people I've met.
-She's doable. Cute perky blonde cosplayer=
-She's an animal lover (she especially loves puppies).
-She's majoring in art; she wants to illustrate for children's books.


What I don't know:
-What her moral values are. So far I know she's not a drinker/party girl/sorority slut but aside from that.
-Favorite foods/colors/other minor details.

But anyway, I am a lonely soul.

I feel this way, and have done for many years now. People seem confused as to why, but no matter how hard I try to explain, no-one seems to listen or at least understand. It's become an obsession - I keep an empty picture frame on my desk to remind my of my primary objective. I seek the advice of strangers on the issue. I've attended speed dating, I've tried online ads.

Some people tell me I'd miss being single. Well, I've flaunted the freedoms of being single for so long now that i've milked the situation dry in terms of enjoyment that can be had. I feel hollow, incomplete. Every other objective I have in life is either achieved or currently out-of-reach. Nothing else matters now.

Just in case this helps:

Dating is hard for NTs also. I dont know why it's so hard for people to find a good mate, but it seems to be.

So at least just know that it might not even be the Aspie thing, but just, a human thing: It is hard to get to know someone and then to find someone who feels the same way about you, as you do about them. But it can happen, which is why everyone keeps trying.

Good luck to you all. All I can say is, keep trying and don't lose hope.

Yep, I know the feeling. My other two main objectives, which are education and employment, are largely achieved, or I know I have a high degree of control over their outcome. I am smart and a hard worker in my university studies, and that will naturally lead to good employment opportunities. I just feel a lack of control over the rest of my life.

i have always heard that when you stop looking you will find.. it worked for me. i stopped looking and let my life flow. No I am not an aspie but I am a mom of an aspie. it was very hard to find someone who would be a good man and have patience for my son.. I found him.. and guess what kids.. he has anxiety disorder.. so i needed to look past that and see the real man.. and boy is he one. we married last year and he accepts my son as his own.. in many ways i see my husband as an aspie person also.. maybe that is why he can realate to my son.. i stopped looking and I found my husband living 2 miles from where i live.. there are woman out there who tell you they want a good guy.. but wait to see if this is what they really mean. you can do this.. just let yourself relax!

You might be right, if your definition of "not looking" is the same as my friend's definition. "Not looking", according to her, is putting all your energy into one girl and not trying to hook up with a variety of girls at once, or having multiple possibilities of girls in mind. Her advice is to focus on one girl, not worry about any others at the moment, and accept that it might not work.

And, there is merit to that method. Under that definition, I have not been "not looking" since early 2002, when I was 16 years old. Prior to that time, which was two years since I first really became interested in girls, I kept my focus on one girl at a time, and all other girls were just casual friends to me. At that time, which was before I was diagnosed with Asperger's (and therefore not on medication), I decided to "diversify" my possibilities - instead of focusing on one girl, I would water my focus down and show interest in a number of girls at the same time. The reason I made this move was threefold:

1) I was getting tired of being single guy, so I believed that I would be increasing my theoretical probability of finding someone if I pursued several girls at the same time. I thought of it like the stock market - I shouldn't put my eggs all in one basket. Instead of just investing in Nortel, I should invest in a variety of stocks and mutual funds from different sectors worldwide to reduce the investment risk. I figured diversification in the stock market could easily be carried over to relationships. Makes mathematical sense, right?

2) The girl I was pursing in early 2002 got really scared of my high degree of focus on her, to the point that she broke down in tears about it and believed I was stalking her, and she was soon going to go to school administration about it. That incident really scared me off pursuing a single girl at a time. The truth was, however, that everyone admitted that she grossly over-reacted to my interest in her - it wasn't even all that forward, it was just trying to be with her a lot - and she was a Puritan-like religious fanatic that was scared of anything even remotely sexual in nature.

3) Previous to this girl, I was pursuing another one that ended up hurting me a lot through leading me on then talking about me behind my back. In order to avoid hurt like that again, I decided I always needed to have multiple "backup" girls in case things went wrong.

"Diversification" became my offical policy around the time I was diagnosed with Asperger's. What happened in 2002 affects me to this day, but I most move on for real. As of today, July 4, 2006, the Diversification policy has been repealed. For the first time since 2002, I am going to narrow my focus to one person - and this will mean that a whole lot more attention will be paid to her, instead of trying to juggle a number of girls at the same time.

I hate sounding desperate, whiny, or anything like this, but this is secretly how I feel and have felt for many years. I have never really had any enjoyments of being single. I have never figured out how single people can be joyful- more power to them if they like it. It's just not me. I have tried "not looking" but I am not sure what that means. If "not looking" means not actively pursuing, flirting, etc..then I am definitely not looking. If it means that you're not interested and you don't want to have a significant other, for me that's impossible, utterly impossible. To me, that's the same as being born gay and trying to deny that you're gay or trying to get therapy so you can "straighten" yourself out.

I always have and always will want a significant other. I believe that it's how I am wired and I cannot do anything to "swtich" it off. I have stopped trying. I don't flirt or pursue but I will always want to meet the woman of my dreams.

Matthew

For what it's worth, that 'not looking' thing apparently worked for me... and I wasn't even trying to make it so. I had a hard time meeting anyone but the minute I decided I was just going to focus on ME, and study, and enjoy learning, and growing in life, then I had two people interested in me.

I think what people mean by that is, when you relax, and are happy with yourself, THAT is what others are drawn to. If the other person just thinks you are lonely and want anyone, though, that's not flattering to them.

For whatever reason, it seems human nature to be with the one who needs them the least! Odd, isn't it. Yet it seems to be proven out in life.

(this doesn't mean to be cold or uncaring or a jerk - just - happy in your own life, as much as possible - that naturally attracts other people)