How do you clear up Aspie misunderstandings?

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I'm a 47-year-old NT (or maybe a "cousin" since I'm really not "normal" or typical and I share some AS traits) woman. I am deeply in love with someone who I'm pretty sure is on the autism spectrum. It's a complicated relationship because I'm polyamorous (http://www.sexuality.org/l/polyamor/).

We met in October and in November he found that the apartment building he'd been living for 13 years had been sold and was going to be torn down to build condos. I helped him with his move and helped him again when his new placed flooded in January. He stayed with me and my partner for almost 5 months while I helped him find a new job. I had hoped that he would be able to move in with us, but that didn't work out, so I helped him find a new apartment closer to his new job.

I began to think he had Asperger's Syndrome when I noticed that he reminded me a lot of one of the kids in my 4-H group who had been diagnosed with AS. As I read more and learned more about his childhood, I became more certain. He hasn't quite accepted that AS is probably the explanation for many of the difficulties he's had in life.

He has been through a lot in the past year, starting with breaking up with his girlfriend (only his second at 39) a year ago March, a horrible job, a diagnoses of diabetes last July, losing $5000 to a con artist he met through an Internet dating site in September, losing his home and moving away from his roommate (who he says was closer than a brother) last winter, moving into my place because of the flood, getting a new and much better job, and finally moving into his new apartment.

I have tried to help and be as supportive as I could. But we have had lots of problems in the last couple of months. They are around a couple of main areas:

1) When I was helping my sweetie with all the moving and job stuff, I thought I was clear that I wanted him to help me with my projects, mainly my garden, when he was able. But as soon as he got his new job, he told me he was tired of "putting his life on hold" while dealing with all the transitions, and he needed to move on with his life. This was quite upsetting, because I'd put *my* life on hold to help him and had given up a lot of my activities and neglected my garden, job, and relationship with my partner while I was helping him. When I tried to bring this up, he accused me of trying to make him into some kind of servant or slave who would always be indebted to me. He called me a terrible, hurtful name.

2) When my sweetie moved in with me, he said he wanted to contribute something, not just be a freeloader, so we agreed that he'd pay $100/month plus vacuum the house once a week. He paid the $100 when I reminded him, but only vacuumed a couple times in the over 20+ weeks he stayed with me. He said he was too tired, but he had time and energy to do activities that interested him, including spending a lot of time with on-line dating sites and going out with new people. I didn't mind that he was seeing other people, but I thought he should take care of his obligations to me first. Again he doesn't seem to see why this bothers me so much.

3) We have lots of misunderstandings because he hears things wrong (probably partly because of a hearing impairment--he's a machinist--but mostly because of a processing impairment, I think). He does not realize he's hearing things wrong and I frequently don't catch it until too late. For example, we talked about getting together the other day, and I told him I wouldn't be going into my shop that day. He heard that I *would* be going in and made plans accordingly.

4) He consistently interprets things I say in the most negative possiible way. For example, he started introducing me to other people as his girlfriend. I had never had anyone call me that and because of my coming of age during the second wave of feminism in the 1970s, the word grated on me. I wasn't sure what he really meant by calling me that, since he didn't seem to feel any commitment to me or to treat me differently from his other friends. I mentioned to him that it felt weird to me. Later I told him that I didn't want him to call me "girlfriend" until he figured out what that meant, but that I didn't want to change our relationship; it was just the word that was bothering me (I think it's the "girl" part; at my age I just don't feel like a girl and don't like to be called one). This was apparently very upsetting to him and he has not been able to get over it or figure out that there's a difference between the words you use to describe a relationship and the actual relationship itself.

5) One of his interests is anime, and it's very important and special to him. He picked out a movie that he thought I'd like to share with me. I am used to looking at art and film with a critical eye. I notice technical details about how something is produced. So when I was watching the film, while I paid attention to the plot, character development, drawing style, and so forth, I also noticed that it was cheaply produced, used a low frame rate (8 or 12 frames per second rather than 24), and other shortcuts. When I commented on this, he took it as a personal criticism of his core being. It really bothers him that I don't share this special interest and that I don't enjoy anime the way he does.

6) All the things he's been through have been very stressful and several times he's said he felt like putting a gun in his mouth, or that if something did or didn't happen, he thought he might want to put a gun in his mouith (to commite suicude). Moving out was pretty stressful because he thought it meant breaking up and he kept interpreting things to mean I didn't like him or didn't want him. During all the moves, a friend had been keeping his guns for him. He was finally going to get them back when he moved into his new place. Because of the suicide ideation, I was a bit worried about what would happen when he got his guns back. So as he was leaving, I asked him how he was doing and if he was feeling sucidal and told him if he was, or if I thought it was a danger, I would have to let his friend who was keeping his guns know. He interpreted that as a threat to have his guns confiscated and taken away from him. But I specifically said I'd talk to his *friend* because he is also a gun enthusiast and gun expert and I thought he'd be able to deal with the issue sensatively and sympathetically, if my friend was suicidal. It seemed better to be safe than sorry in this situation, but my sweetie interpreted it as my plotting to get back at him for moving out. (In truth, I thought his moving out was a very sensible thing to do as my place is far from his new job and would have required significant remoding to make space for him, leaving him in limbo until the work was done. I'm sad because I liked being near him, but not angry or upset.)

6) Another example, when he was moving out of my place into his new place, I gathered together some of his things that had been scattered around the house, including some books that he'd given me that related to a project we had talked about doing but ended up not doing. I thought he'd lent me the books for the purpose of doing the project. He apparently had intended the books as a gift and interpreted my return of them as meaning I wanted to break up. He worried about this for days without mentioning it to me.

Because of these problems, which he blames me for, he is starting to think of me as a bad person. He doesn't have enough relationship experience to know that these issues can be worked through and to know that many of the problems are related to the stress we've gone through with his moves and job changes. He's had so many bad experiences with other people in life that he
just starts running old tapes whenever something I do reminds him of something bad in the past. He can't see that I really love him and don't want to hurt him and want to make things better for him. Even after all I've done, he doesn't really trust me.

It's really hurtful that he so mistrusts me and twists things I do or say into something bad or mean. And it causes him a lot of distress, also.

I have read a lot and am still reading more and will be getting some of the AS relationship books. But I'm hoping to get some advice and support here, too.

Thanks for reading this and for your suggestions.

It sounds to me like your partner has some serious problems. Mostly one of low self esteem. I wouldn't say these are misconceptions, I would say this is outright paranoia.

Mind you, this is not uncharacteristic behavoir AS wise. Truth be told, if there is going to be any change, your partner is going to have to want to.

Maybe he has problems with Empathy? It could be that he's pretty much just using you. It would certainly fit. It sounds like he needs some good therapy (most people are seriously messed up).


I don't know a good way to clear up misconceptions like this because the only time people get me that angry is when they are being disrespectful. And on that note this is probably wherein the problem lies. Maybe he thinks you aren't being respecful to him, even though you probably are. And in either case, he's definatly overreacting.

He needs to make more of an effort in this relationship. And he'll himself be better for it. People that are genuinely kind seem to be more emotionally healthy for it. It sounds like you're the only one making any serious effort to maintain the relationship.

And while I have mixed feelings on poly relationships, I will say this. I hope you have some other partners. And I hope they treat you with more respect.

Have you read about borderilne personalities? The suicidal ideation, the seeing people as "if you're not all for me you're against me" etc., COULD POSSIBLY be along those lines. I have not noticed paranoia among the Aspies posting here.

Please note that I'm a layperson and to diagnose over the internet anyway is really not possible.

Have you thought about the risk involved - since he's a paranoid personality type, who thinks you are against him, and owns guns? Just a thought...!

Thanks Xuincherguixe and Popsicle for your comments.

First, I don't think I'm in any danger. My sweetie does not seem to be violent towards me in any way. Guns are one of his special interests and he mostly collects antique guns. I don't think it's likely that he'd deliberately put a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger, either. But his guns were exposed to moisture during the flood in his last place and they all need to be cleaned. I know people who are depressed and feeling suicidal can have "accicents" while cleaning their guns.

And yes, I have a long-term (27 years) partner who is extremely patient, supportive, and understanding.

I agree that low self esteem is a big part of the problem. I have given him David Burns' Feeling Good, which I have found helpful for myself. But it only helps if you actually do the exercises. I'm thinking of getting him 10 Days to Self Esteem, which might be better for his situation, but getting him to use it is another matter.

Yes, I am familiar with borderline personality disorder. I don't think that's the issue here, but it's worth considering.

I wouldn't say he's showing typical paranoia, exactly. It's more like something I do or say triggers memories of past bad experiences, and he starts reacting to those, rather than the present situation. It's almost like post traumatic stress syndrome. I have been trying to get him to find out what sort of mental health coverage he has through his health insurance, but he is afraid to get any sort of mental health help because he thinks his guns might be taken away. This is not a paranoid fear. He lived in Hawaii for a time, and gun laws there allow the police to confiscate guns of anyone who has been diagnosed with any "significant" condition listed in the DSM. You are required to release all mental health records to the police to get a gun license. Apparently this happend to a friend of his there. Laws in Washington State, where he lives now, are different. Also, under Hawaiian law, if a doctor certifies that your diagnoses does not disqualify you from gun ownership, you're okay, so all you have to do is make sure your doctor puts the appropriate notes in your record. These facts do not reassure him and it will be very hard to convince him to get any professional help.

Since the "girlfriend" incident was a big issue for him, I asked him recently what he thought it really meant. He said it had something to do with getting dressed up really nice and going out to nice restaurants. That seemed like an odd and shallow conception of a relationship. But he hasn't had a lot of relationship experience. Most of his friends are related to his special interests, he was an only child, and, while he lived with a roommate for 13 years, they worked different shifts, so didn't see a lot of each other. His parents might both be AS, too, so he just didn't have a lot of role models for regular relationships. So I'm kind of starting from scratch, here.

FGM

I think some of the problems could be the hearing thing, or Auditory Processing Disorder. This can be seriously frustrating for the individual concerned. They're constantly being told that what they thought they heard and understood, wasn't true. So it's their ears they can't trust, but this gets turned on to you instead and they get paranoid.

I think the suicide threats should be taken seriously. The gun collection provides a very convenient method, and he might take the opportunity, on impulse, just because he can. He needs to know how upsetting this would be for everyone including the strangers (police and ambulance) who have to clean up the mess.

I think, with regard to the girlfriend thing, that this might have gone better if you explained a bit why you didn't like the word, not your friendship and you happen to be a girl, and a phrase you feel more comfortable is "my friend". I don't know why "my friend" seems less possessive than "my girlfriend" but it does. This gives him a way to get it right for you straight away, rather than him floundering round trying to figure out without any clue, what word would not be upsetting. After all he thought "girlfriend" was ok.

And for everything else - maybe you need to write everything down for him. Does he use email. Maybe every time you do something or organise something or expect something you could follow up with an email to put that all in writing. Maybe reading it will sink in better. And if you could repeat what you want to say using several different words and in different combinations and orders, that might help, and if you can get him to say it back to you what he understands you to mean that would also help. I'm not sure how you do that without pretending you forgot what you said earlier.

If he suggests an appointment, get him to write it down for you and you say it back to him with many different phrasings and words. So you can get consistent.

You might be able to talk to him about hearing damage and whether or not he always hears you clearly, and make a game of repeating/reflecting back stuff to each other so you don't misunderstand so often.

I don't know what you can do about him failing to understand what his share of the load means. I think you may have to get really specific and literal up front. Eg, if I cook dinner, and you eat some, then you help wash up (I'll dry up). That's our trade. And if he forgets, or denies the agreement later, then you can either make him agree in writing the next time, or refuse to help out until he does his share up front. However, I think if you want to be friends, you might have to tolerate some degree of lopsidedness here, unless you can find someway of him helping you or putting back in that overlaps with something he likes doing.

wobbegong,

I think you may be right about Audditory Processing Disorder. I recently looked it up and saw that, at least in some cases, it is really a verbal processing disorder that also affects reading. My sweetie reads very slowly, too. When he was living with me he was using my computer and it would have seemed really weird to communicate by email. Now, if I send him too muich email, he just doesn't read it, because reading is so laborious for him.

We had an odd "Who's on first?" type exchange the other day. He was getting dressed for work and put on a baseball cap instead of the wool hat he had been wearing and said "This hat is about 20 degrees cooler." I said, touching the other hat (which he had not indicated, so it took a moment for me to understand what he meant), "Than this hat?" He said, "No, *this hat* is cooler." I said, "Yes, that hat is cooler than *this hat,*" indicating the wool hat again. We went through that a few times until I said, "Yes, I understand, you baseball cap is cooler than your wool hat."

Do other AS/NT couples have this sort of problem?

About reciprocity in relationships--I thought we had a clear understanding up front, but he has reframed the situation. When I talked to him about how I expected him to help me in exchange for my helping him (I have fibromyalgia, so, physical limitations, and I really do need help), he said he thought my helping him during his moving crisis was like when his parents houseboat sank and all the neighbors pitched in and helped without expecting anything in return, just to be nice. And he said if I had a similar emergency, which he hoped I never did, he'd do what he could to help.

He also talked about a time when he put up a friend who was going through difficult times for a few months, without asking for anything in return. But, when my sweetie needed help and when back to this friend, the friend refused to help and my sweetie decided he wasn't really a friend after that. So he does understand the concept of reciprication when it applies to him.

He somehow doesn't see that what I've done over the past eight months (helping move three times, resume and job search, putting him up, cooking, laundry, painting new apartment, and so forth) is different from an acute emergency that the community pulls together to help with and requires a different sort of reciprication. Or that an ongoing, intimate relationship requires ongoing give and take.

AS folks, what has helped you be more successful in relationships? Do you "get" what's going on here with my sweetie?

Yours,
Melinda