Anyone not tell romantic partners that they have Aspergers?

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Let me first say I'm not ashamed of Aspergers at all. Rather, I think it's just a label. To me it isn't like having a disease like cancer. It provides an explanation for why I can't survive in the normal world as far as working or doing anything in general with my life. I'm also brutally honest, but that's usually behind the computer where I know I can get away with it. I'm not one of those people that just blurts out something all the time in person.

Anyway, the only reason I told the girl I was dating about the Aspergers is because it was my first date, and I had to account for the jitters to her the day after the date. She said it was none of her business, and that she figured it was social anxiety.

I'm much better in person now since I've been on dates with other women.

What I'm wondering, I guess is, why people on here feel the need to tell other random NTs about their Aspergers? I understand if it's extreme case, and your behavior is extremely odd and someone can clearly tell there's something wrong, but I don't think that's most people here.

I personally like NT women and want someone as "normal" as people to balance me out. It's like in Seinfeld when Jerry dates a woman who is exactly like him. He realizes "If anything, I need a woman that's the opposite of me." I'm attracted to the opposite of me...women with good social skills and a normal way about them.

Also, personally I want someone looking at me as me, not a label. It seems a lot of people here embrace the whole "Aspie" thing. Why is that?

I don't think I really tell anyone about the Aspergers and it's mainly because I haven't been officially diagnosed. I'm sure I would if I actually went about doing that though. I did tell my ex-girlfriend about it on like our 2nd or 3rd date. The only reason I did was because she was a substitute teacher that taught kids with autism and figured she might notice on her own. Turns out she did and was trying to figure out a way to bring it up to me before I told her. I don't think I've told anyone else outside of my family though. I just don't see any reason for it and I don't want to make excuses. Ever since I found out about why I am the way that I am I've taken it as like a challenge. Not telling people about it is part of the challenge.

As far as women who are the opposite of me, that same ex was the absolute complete opposite of me and it turned into a disaster. I'm kind of talking to a girl right now who is a lot more similar to me as far as interests, hobbies, etc go and I'm hoping it turns into something better.

I don't usually. Seems like its to much effort to bring it up. Sometimes with people I've known for awhile I do though.

See I just couldn't do something like that because I'm undiagnosed. And I'd have no problem doing so if it was pertinent-- in fact it would possibly be helpful at times.

Like a month ago I went out with this girl that I'm into pretty hard, she's a new-ish friend of mine and it wasn't a date or anything but it was the first time I ever hung out with her solo. I was having horrible sensory issues and anxiety all day that day for no discernible reason (I'm mad comfortable with this girl in general so I doubt that was the issue) but I didn't want to cancel so I rolled the dice and went anyway.

Bad move.

I showed up at the restaurant first and by the time she got there I was weirded out like crazy, all kinds of light/space anxieties, stimming to an extreme degree by my standards (which is not that bad but still), if I could have just told her it would have explained a lot but I didn't want to get into it because I don't feel right doing so. I just said I have wild anxiety issues at times and get short of breath and stuff.

When I get anxiety etc. it's comforting for me to drink something (not necessarily booze, water works just fine, although booze helps; this much I explained to her) and over the course of dinner I guzzled like 6 beers and 2-3 pitchers of water. After a while we moved to the outdoor bar and being outside made me feel way better, but I still felt like an as*hole afterward.

No real weirdness came from it, we still kick it with our group of friends every weekend and get along same as ever, but I haven't been able to bring myself to try hanging out with her solo since then.

At this point, I'm more-or-less open about it. Granted, under normal circumstances I don't go out of my way to let people know. In general, if it hasn't come up in conversation, I let someone know after a few dates. A few years ago, I was dating a psych major and she figured it out before I told her. She asked me why I hadn't told her and I responded frankly "You never asked." She was a bit irritated, but it wasn't the end of the world. I guess I just don't see it as as big of a deal as others do... Its just who I am and I am used to it, I suppose.

I can't really make a comment, as I've never had the experience (only 17, haven't ever been on a date). Although, I think I would tell if sure that you want to go out with them. Not make a huge deal out of it, but mention some of the issues that come with it as you get to know one another (in other words, no "talk"). I mean, if the relationship was to go anywhere, then you need to understand one another. Like it or not, AS is part of that.

I don't think we embrace the whole "aspie thing" per se, but more that we accept it. As far as I see, there's two responses to having AS; one one hand, there's the disadvantages - sensory issues, social interaction, etc. Enough said. On the other hand, a lot of us are smart. Very smart, and can do things with computers, maths, music etc. which astound NTs.

So, we either focus on the disability - which leaves us rather depressed about the whole affair - or we focus on the benefits, while acknowledging our issues and working on them. As someone who's seen both sides (and regularly swaps between), the latter it a much better place to be in.

And because our aspie traits are an inheret part of our personality - tendency to be solitary, likes, dislikes, etc, we tend to object to the idea of a cure. While I wouldn't wish AS on anyone else, it's a part of my identity, for better or for worse. A cure sends the idea that what we are is something wrong. Mention autism speaks in the autism politics forum for an instant flame war if you don't believe me.

I don't really like hiding things from my husband so I told him when he asked me when we first met online. I gave him the link to the aspie quiz because he was sounding like an aspie just by what he was saying about himself and that was when he asked me if I had it or not. I wasn't going to lie. He claims I told him out of the blue but I don't remember. I just remember him asking if I have it or not.

I do think people can understand us without a label, they just have to accept us for who we are. But telling them what we have is just an explanation. I don't know if my husband's thoughts would have been different about me if I never told him. But he accepts me for who I am. He doesn't see me as the label. He says I'm just Beth.

I tend to be shy, not read people, I say inappropriate things, I can come off as rude so if they know I have AS, they won't take it all personal and think I am ignoring them. But don't worry I didn't go around telling men I have it when we'd meet. I said I was shy. But then we meet and then they think I wasn't shy at all. I rarely tell people I have AS. Sometimes I want to scream out I have it so I can be understood. But I do think it's important to tell your partner if you wish to get in a relationship with them. Friendships and relationships are different. I told my husband I had depression and have anxiety. I was depressed then when we met but I was doing better in life and was settled in. He already knew about the AS so I didn't need to tell him again but I gave him a book about it to read and he said he felt bad afterwards because he had been tickling me and I didn't like it so I kept pushing him off and Laine Holliday Willey wrote in her book how tickling made her feel so my husband assumed it felt that way on me. It also took him a while to not touch me so much. He was over affectionate when we met and it took him maybe two months to learn to back off. I just didn't know how to explain it to him and my mom had to help me out there. He understands me fully and assumes problems I have is due to my condition, especially if I won't do certain things. He even think my meltdowns last year and stuff was due to my AS than due to the stress of the wedding. He says he would rather think it's the AS because he doesn't want to think I'm a violent person.


And about embracing my condition, well I got used to it and learned to accept it and I think it's made me be me. Without it, I'd be a different person and who knows where I would have been now if I never had it. I'd rather be happy than be miserable about it and I think positive. Hey doesn't everyone show traits? Doesn't everyone have their own challenges? See, I'm normal. I'm no different.

I told the two women that I vented about in these fourms about it. I felt the one that was the heavy pot user was saying one type of thing but was doing the oppisite, even when I asked her to be straight with me and not send mixed signals. The airport girl contimued to lie to me even after I asked her to tell me the truth. She knew about my condition and did not care.

Ironicly, the women with who I consider to have the best relationship with I never told Her about my AS. It was a FWB thing and was good for both of us. She told me one time that she thought we communcate good.

I found out about my AS when I was 36. So I did not tell the women I had relationships with eariler in life. But after I found out I had it, it explained alot about why my eariler relationships and a few friendships went bad.

I would like to find those people and tell them that there was alot going on with me as well, not just them. They deserve to know that.

I'd only bring it up in a more "advanced" stage in a relationship. Not straight away, anyway.
I'd get to know them better first. See if we "click".
If things are going well, I might tell her or him.
But one thing I'll never do is expect my partner to fully adjust their behavior to me.
I'd hate feeling handicapped. I don't see myself as being disabled. It's weird.
I like to see my Asperger-things as personality traits.
Me and my partner will both have to adjust to each other and care about each other's feelings and needs.
I don't know if being diagnosed with Asperger's means I can't have a "normal" relationship. I'd want one.
I don't want my partner to be my caregiver. I want to be equal.

One thing that women appreciate is honesty. I would tell a girl that I have Aspergers so that she can understand better. My big concern is that when I find my first date, I will struggle to converse with her. So in order for her to understand that, I need to tell her that I have Aspergers.

I like you for that. My husband also sees me as me and doesn't pay any attention to my AS. I also see my AS as my personality.

Yeah you can still have a relationship but if just need to find the right person who will accept you for who you are. Your relationship might be unique like mine is so i don't know if it be "normal." Mine sure isn't but it's still a good relationship. It's normal for us.

I told my partner before we began dating, I mean we were friends first but I told her shortly before datingand it didn't change how she felt and she helps me when I get anxious and doesn't judge me for all my little weird things I do
Probably the only person I can truly be myself around.

I don't make a point of it, but if it comes up (and it has) I'll mention it.

I think that statisticly relationships do better when both people know early on.

If I had known my partner had AS I would have read his actions totally differently than I did. It was like I had the wrong glasses on. I just realized it on my own when it was too late. (He kind of half told me about some of the characteristics but I didn't get it.)

So we both got hurt and it never had a chance to get off the ground despite a most beautiful and promising beginning.

Yeah, my last girlfriend said she never understood me until I told her my dx. She said it was odd that I hardly flirt or that it's hard to tell if I'm flirting or just being an as*hole.

It's a double-edged sword, isn't it. They aren't going to understand you if you don't tell them. That's what it seems. And if you do tell them, you risk it being misunderstood.

Last edited by alana on 31 Dec 2009, 5:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.