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Girlfriend cheats on you... do you care?

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lewdi28792
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10 Jan 2010, 7:14 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
I think the big challenge here especially, for guys with AS, is not taking so personally as having it be a direct attack on their self worth. I say this because we've had enough acquaintances in our circle who were about as GQ as they come; guys like that get cheated on just as often and as easily as anyone else.

That said its knowing that the relationship from that point forward, regardless of who you are, is f'd up. I don't think its even a personal slap in the face so much as either fear of commitment in a partner, something in them sabotaging it, or likely more often a sign that either the chemistry is gone or that and they're seeking a new partner while still with you, to where they flat out don't care about sealing the deal behind your back. It means there's really not much left. Of course, then again, this is from the standpoint that you've been dating them for a few months or a little less than a year, if you're already married to them - things are a bit more complicated and its neither necessarily easy nor wise to kick them out on a whim, a lot more thinking needs to be done and - if they've been faithful up to that point, figuring out what went wrong, why it went wrong, and essentially yes - can the situation be salvaged for both parties.


you may be the moderator - but that is besides the point - but i would still have very serious issues when it comes to trusting her(or any woman for that matter) ever again.
IF i had a wife/girlfriend - i REALLY WOULD take it personally as if she gave me a slap in the face, a kick in the teeth and then a foot in my balls.

i may be yellow bellied - but i hardly have a WOOD pecker (pervy try at humour :P)



techstepgenr8tion
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10 Jan 2010, 7:40 pm

Lol, this got delegated to me a long time ago and largely I just work on forum quirks (really wish I didn't have this banner flying over my name just because - like you said - I don't like having it jam people's sincerity, I like and prefer frank conversation).

lewdi28792 wrote:
you may be the moderator - but that is besides the point - but i would still have very serious issues when it comes to trusting her(or any woman for that matter) ever again.

If someone cheats its very unusual not to feel that way, and most cases, I would argue that what's left really is beyond salvage. If people have kids, you'd likely at most just have a shell marriage for their sake - the merits of which I still find debatable.

lewdi28792 wrote:
IF i had a wife/girlfriend - i REALLY WOULD take it personally as if she gave me a slap in the face, a kick in the teeth and then a foot in my balls.

I might want to phrase it a little differently - you'd be rightfully offended by the behavior, you'd take it as a personal violation of trust in a contract that you had been building since the beginning of the relationship. I think the only difference, unless she really spelled it out, is that being cheated isn't necessarily your partner declaring to your face that you're leben sunwertes leben in 1940's German terms.



lewdi28792
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10 Jan 2010, 11:33 pm

i see absolutely no reason to word it differently because i am an aspie and i just word it the way i feel about it - very bluntly and brutally honestly - plus i call things the way my eyes see them. plus i try to watch my tounge as little as possible - by doing it that way i can do total truth with people w/o cutting my tounge out. if only we did not have ''rules'' of that sort then people can speak their mind - and do it ever so brutally honestly w/o mincing words - in the flesh i am ever [removed by lau] get right down to brass tacks and the point..



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10 Jan 2010, 11:46 pm

[that you're leben sunwertes leben in 1940's German terms.[/quote]

i am of german heritage (my grandparents got [removed by lau] out of germany just before hitler started making a pain [removed by lau] out of himself), so 1940s is so very much before my day(i came into this God forsaken world in 1968). i googled it and found out what it means - according to wikipedia - it means a life not worth living(or something like that).



leschevalsroses
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11 Jan 2010, 12:04 am

It would depend on who my partner was and what sort of relationship we were in.

My dad recently cheated on my mom and when my mom found out she was furious. But my mom also treats my dad like dirt. He has a really hard job, and then comes home and has to put up with my mom nagging at him and complaining about every little thing that he does. He doesn't have any friends that he can vent things out on, and keeps most of his feelings to himself. I think that in this situation, as horrible as it sounds, my mom had it coming. There are some people who just don't have good relationships, and a lot of times on of the partners feels trapped in them. Yes cheating is wrong and I would be mad and hurt if my partner did it to me, but when it does happen it's because something is wrong with the relationship. Of course the right thing to do would be to tell your partner up front what you're having problems with, but I think that takes way more integrity than many people have.



lewdi28792
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11 Jan 2010, 12:14 am

leschevalsroses wrote:
It would depend on who my partner was and what sort of relationship we were in.

My dad recently cheated on my mom and when my mom found out she was furious. But my mom also treats my dad like dirt. He has a really hard job, and then comes home and has to put up with my mom nagging at him and complaining about every little thing that he does. He doesn't have any friends that he can vent things out on, and keeps most of his feelings to himself. I think that in this situation, as horrible as it sounds, my mom had it coming. There are some people who just don't have good relationships, and a lot of times on of the partners feels trapped in them. Yes cheating is wrong and I would be mad and hurt if my partner did it to me, but when it does happen it's because something is wrong with the relationship. Of course the right thing to do would be to tell your partner up front what you're having problems with, but I think that takes way more integrity than many people have.


you see, i went out with an NT geek female because i was impressed with her and she had a skill i do not have - she made www sites and i cannot. i am mainly a hardware geek. to me - a womans intelligence is [removed by lau] a sexual attractant. when i was with her - i went from limp to rock hard boner in 1.5 seconds on her brain alone. but then, she turned on me. she started to emotionally, mentally and verbally abuse me. the abuse hurts as much as (if not more than) getting cheated on. i am still so very hurt from it and i am still healing from it. then she kept on forgetting that i have epilepsy. how can i count on her if i was to have a seizure and i needed help - I CANNOT! i often feel like i would be much better off with an epileptic aspie OR an epileptic autie OR an epileptic with downs syndrome.



techstepgenr8tion
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11 Jan 2010, 5:11 am

lewdi28792 wrote:
i see absolutely no reason to word it differently because i am an aspie and i just word it the way i feel about it - very bluntly and brutally honestly - plus i call things the way my eyes see them. plus i try to watch my tounge as little as possible - by doing it that way i can do total truth with people w/o cutting my tounge out. if only we did not have ''rules'' of that sort then people can speak their mind - and do it ever so brutally honestly w/o mincing words - in the flesh i am ever [removed by lau] get right down to brass tacks and the point..

Lol, I'm not telling you to do anything. Be as you were :).


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11 Jan 2010, 5:25 am

Merle wrote:
You think your current girl/boy friend is cheating on you outside of your relationship - would it bother you? And if so, what would you do?


I would bother because I would feel betrayed. I'm not sure if I'd still want to be with my partner anymore.

Merle wrote:
First, cheating is intentionally vague, as some people think kissing, making out or sex is all cheating. Cheating is whatever you think cheating is.


Cheating is whatever you agreed upon at the beginning of your relationship. If you allow one another to flirt but not to kiss with other people, then flirting with someone else would not be cheating but kissing someone else would be. Others would also ignore kissing but only care about the sex part. Etc.

Merle wrote:
Second, remember, this is a girl/boy friend and not a spouse or someone with whom you have taken vows (e.g. handfasting, marriage, etc.) to remain with solely and forever. As a spouse or SO has very different rules.


The rules are what you and your partner decide they are. It's that simple.

Merle wrote:
A lot of people here are literally dying for a relationship. However, many relationships are fraught with challenges, and infidelity is one of them. I'm curious if turning a blind eye, due to desperation, is prevalent.


Desperation is one thing. Stupidity is another.



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11 Jan 2010, 7:36 am

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
PLA wrote:
I would be concerned. I suppose I would try to bring it up for conversation. Might be hard to do without spooking her, so I would need to reassure her somehow.

Supposedly quite often you'll see them go on the aggressive, act like they suspect that you're cheating, and when things get that far flung that it just seems surreal - may be a good time to do something like flip through her phone records or texts while she's in the shower.


Fight or flight - the result is similar. A fight response might even be preferable as it's more likely to keep her in the room. Although not necessarily.
If she would expend much energy without fleeing the scene, it may be easier to achieve favoured results.


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lewdi28792
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11 Jan 2010, 11:02 am

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
lewdi28792 wrote:
i see absolutely no reason to word it differently because i am an aspie and i just word it the way i feel about it - very bluntly and brutally honestly - plus i call things the way my eyes see them. plus i try to watch my tounge as little as possible - by doing it that way i can do total truth with people w/o cutting my tounge out. if only we did not have ''rules'' of that sort then people can speak their mind - and do it ever so brutally honestly w/o mincing words - in the flesh i am ever [removed by lau] get right down to brass tacks and the point..

Lol, I'm not telling you to do anything. Be as you were :).


so i guess you and i have something in common - our preferred communication style.



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11 Jan 2010, 11:14 am

lewdi28792 wrote:
techstepgenr8tion wrote:
lewdi28792 wrote:
i see absolutely no reason to word it differently because i am an aspie and i just word it the way i feel about it - very bluntly and brutally honestly - plus i call things the way my eyes see them. plus i try to watch my tounge as little as possible - by doing it that way i can do total truth with people w/o cutting my tounge out. if only we did not have ''rules'' of that sort then people can speak their mind - and do it ever so brutally honestly w/o mincing words - in the flesh i am ever [removed by lau] get right down to brass tacks and the point..

Lol, I'm not telling you to do anything. Be as you were :).


so i guess you and i have something in common - our preferred communication style.


It is my preferred communication style as well, however I only use it among friends. In other social situations it is just too risky.



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11 Jan 2010, 12:08 pm

Salonfilosoof wrote:
lewdi28792 wrote:
techstepgenr8tion wrote:
lewdi28792 wrote:
i see absolutely no reason to word it differently because i am an aspie and i just word it the way i feel about it - very bluntly and brutally honestly - plus i call things the way my eyes see them. plus i try to watch my tounge as little as possible - by doing it that way i can do total truth with people w/o cutting my tounge out. if only we did not have ''rules'' of that sort then people can speak their mind - and do it ever so brutally honestly w/o mincing words - in the flesh i am ever [removed by lau] and get right down to brass tacks and the point..

Lol, I'm not telling you to do anything. Be as you were :).


so i guess you and i have something in common - our preferred communication style.


It is my preferred communication style as well, however I only use it among friends. In other social situations it is just too risky.


i use it in *ALL* situations because to me it is more important to avoid mis-understandings and doing [removed by lau] and get right down to the point does it and does it VERY well.
i also use it in political debates online and face to face because i am ANTI-republican, ANTI-democrat and ANTI-independent - i am NOT loyal to ANY of our leAders from obama on down - and i see absolutely NO reason to be because ANY kind of loyality to parties and the leaders is [removed by lau]behaviour and is ILLOGICAL, plus they do absolutely NOTHING to deserve it - [removed by lau] -atypicals and NTs alike - so why even be loyal to them???????????



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11 Jan 2010, 12:21 pm

lewdi28792 wrote:
i use it in *ALL* situations because to me it is more important to avoid mis-understandings and doing cut the s_hit and get right down to the point does it and does it VERY well.


The older you get, the more difficult it becomes to maintain such an attitude in all situations.

lewdi28792 wrote:
i also use it in political debates online and face to face because i am ANTI-republican, ANTI-democrat and ANTI-independent - i am NOT loyal to ANY of our leAders from obama on down


My views are anti-republican, anti-democrat and anti-independent as well. Unfortunately some of my viewpoints are so controversial I can get myself banned at any online forum within a day if I want to by just expressing my opinion. That's why I decided to avoid political debate online, even though it's one of my main interests.



lewdi28792
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11 Jan 2010, 12:46 pm

Salonfilosoof wrote:
lewdi28792 wrote:
i use it in *ALL* situations because to me it is more important to avoid mis-understandings and doing cut the s_hit and get right down to the point does it and does it VERY well.


The older you get, the more difficult it becomes to maintain such an attitude in all situations.

lewdi28792 wrote:
i also use it in political debates online and face to face because i am ANTI-republican, ANTI-democrat and ANTI-independent - i am NOT loyal to ANY of our leAders from obama on down


My views are anti-republican, anti-democrat and anti-independent as well. Unfortunately some of my viewpoints are so controversial I can get myself banned at any online forum within a day if I want to by just expressing my opinion. That's why I decided to avoid political debate online, even though it's one of my main interests.


i got myself banned from AFF(aspie friends for freedom) because i pissed off most of the people there (they are about 80% liberal and lefties) and i am extremist far right-wing conservative - plus i butted heads with one of the moderators and i e-spitted in her face as well as LOL'ed in it also.



TheMinnesotaIceman
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12 Jan 2010, 2:32 am

If someone cheated on me, I would dump them at once.



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12 Jan 2010, 10:24 am

lewdi28792 wrote:
i got myself banned from AFF(aspie friends for freedom) because i pissed off most of the people there (they are about 80% liberal and lefties) and i am extremist far right-wing conservative - plus i butted heads with one of the moderators and i e-spitted in her face as well as LOL'ed in it also.


That sort of thing used to happen to me on some Internet forum at least every few months. The more controversial your views, the more common that sort of treatment.