In Need Of Advice

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Here is the situation: I have feelings for a woman who is a co-worker of mine. She has a boyfriend, and they have a child together. However, she has stated to me that she doesn't want to be with him. We talk at work and online. I always make her laugh quite a bit. Even when I tell a joke that isn't very funny, she laughs. Not too long ago, I was considering moving back to my home state. She seemed a little disappointed to hear that news and asked me if I planned on returning here when I was done with college (which is why I planned on going home). I told her I wasn't sure, and she said "I'll bet you come back." So, she seemed like she wanted me to stay.

Now, she is probably about to leave her boyfriend, and her mom wants her to move back to their home state. She is considering going to school there and then returning here, but is concerned that she will get "stuck" back home. She has a LOT on her plate at the moment, but I think I need to tell her exactly how I feel and see if she is interested or not. I think I should wait until she has officially left her boyfriend to have that conversation with her. However, I don't know how long I should wait. How much time should I give her once she breaks up with him, before I tell her my feelings? Furthermore, does the fact that she has shared with me about her relationship problems indicate that she just wants to be friends? She has also shared with me about other personal things, such as the fact that she suffers from depression and has anxiety issues in social situations. Does this mean she considers me a friend only, and not a potential mate?

Any opinions you can give on the matter would be very helpful for me.

Man go for it. Just wait until hshe breaks up with her bf. If that takes too long then tell her, because you will soon be moving on with your life, and you dont wanna stay there only to find out that she doesnt wanna be your bf, and all the stuff she told you means nothing but friendly conversation. So you should totally go for it. she sounds nice and like she likes you. But Im aspie so I misinterpret NT signs all the time. but just go for it, and if she bsays no, just remember that you dont ever have to look at her again after you leave.

There was a story in another thread about how we each met our significant other that you might find interesting, about the guy who was friends with a woman he was attracted to who was in the process of reconsidering her existing relationship... when she asked him what he thought, he told her "I want you to break up with him and start dating me." Not normally what I would suggest, but at the same time... it worked, and it works in terms of honesty and comfort for me.


M.

I'm going to abstain from giving you direct advice, because I don't want to take responsibility for the result.

However, being one of the people who, as mentioned above, has been spending the past two years under a rock, I will give you something to think about while you wait to make your decision.

Girls/Women are fickle creatures: while delightful to be around, they will unerringly be able to, given two logical choices, choose a third plan of action that you'd never expect.

My advice is simply: "Make sure you want to put things to chance." Weigh the potential benefits of having her return your feelings with the inevitable fallout that a romantic reveal will (in some way) change your friendship-relationship with her. There is no save point: you are going to make a gamble, and realistically you have only an assured 50% chance at success (because it is a yes or no question; other signs mean nothing statistically unless you want to be disappointed when you're wrong).

Stay safe, stay strong. Cynicism aside, I'm rooting for ya.

Don't make a move unless and until she and her b.f. break up. And if she breaks up with him just to be with you, then proceed with extreme caution; if she is willing to leave one guy for another, who's to say she won't do the same to you?

At any rate, best of luck to you!

Thanks for the advice, everyone!

The child definitely complicates things. The times to tell her how you feel are if she asks your advice about relationships (the example Mak gave) or after she has broken up with the guy quite solidly. You don't want to be responsible for separating a child's parents, so you need to be really sure that would or should happen anyway.

Unless you are in a position to support her and the child, you may have to let her move away even if it turns out you both feel the same, in which case everything is going to get thrown up to the winds of fate no matter how you look at it. Separation while everyone gets on their feet sometimes is just what has to happen, and you have little choice but to hope it plays out well for you in the end. It's easy to stay in touch in the modern world, thankfully, so doors rarely have to be slammed shut.

John,

I think everyone here has made really great points, so I'll just ask you to ask yourself: "Can I care and provide for three people, including myself? For both their physical and emotional needs? Are my feelings more important than keeping a child's parents together?"