A chill runs through my body. The door is open. My room is cold.
I don't feel alone. But I am missing something. That's why I write, why I type, why I try to be brave. Unreasonable also. Taking a chance. It doesn't come easy.
I've been always looking for special people. People that are different, that can do things other people can't. Tearing my world apart with a smile, changing my view on the world in one sentence. Letting the world spin around them according to their own rhythm.
I only know one person that can: My brother.
When the one girl I knew, that could, was too scared and too afraid to accept that she could, I gave up searching. Meanwhile she kept running away, from herself, and from me also.
I kept looking around me. It doesn't hurt. And I see girls that walk so hard I am afraid the floor under her feet might give in. I hear them laughing so loud that all I hear is their helpless scream for some quietness and peace. I see girls pretending to be.
I never wanted that. Two times I was weak. The pressure of society, of getting a girlfriend was too high. It took me 3 days and 2 weeks respectively, to remember what I wanted. 17 days too late, leaving two more hearts broken than I should have.
I change. I lost my sport, studying can't take its place. I feel more empty, the need for beauty. Things get tougher, I expect much from myself and others start to catch on. It's not about support, I am strong. When I breake down, I don't feel exhausted. But there's this question, I can't answer. What is it all worth for?
I need you have that answer for me, or be the answer entirely. Or remember me of my own answers. I can't see clearly right now.
I want someone to stand next to me. Pointing at the sky. Showing me things I have never seen.
But deep inside always wanted to...
-----------------------------------------------------
I know that I haven't followed the protocol here. I don't feel sorry for it. You may ask any question that might be relevant to you. For me I have said everything I wanted to. Hope is, that there is someone out there harbouring the same desire as me, and that I can be the one for her, being what she needs me to be.