At what age did you start dating?

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i'm frightened of social situations so i avoid them. its pretty impossible for me to meet people.

i did have 2 girlfriends when i was younger though. one when i was 13 and the other for 2 weeks when i was 15.

ok, the Un-Date...

- is like a normal date, just without the pressure.

You see, when I used to go on dates, I always acted like I was trying to decide whether the person would be the one. So it was terribly nerve-wracking. I was afraid to speak for fear of sounding stupid and then I'd over-compensate and speak too much, basically reading them my resume. I'm sure I came off as pompous or conceited, but really I was just trying to share who I was.

So I tried to figure out how to act normal, like I was with a friend, rather than a prospective mate. I knew that with a friend, I was able to converse comfortably, so what is the difference?

One difference for me is that I'm not afraid of my friends. So I can talk fluidly, in a relaxed manner. On dates, I was always afraid of being judged and rejected, which my feeble ego couldn't tolerate.

The second difference for me is that I attributed way too much importance to the date. Why should I care about what a stranger thought? I don't know, but I did/do.

So I sought to change the parameters of the date.

I needed to convince myself that the date wasn't really that important. If we met and liked each other, then great, we've potentially found a new friend, maybe more. But I stopped going on dates with the expectation that it had to work out or it meant that I was a loser.

Out of this was born the un-date. It works like this. I used it when meeting people on matchmaker.com (where I met my wife).

You tell the person bluntly - Based on your emails and phone conversations, we seem to have some things in common so I'd like to meet. But let's do so without the pressure of calling it "a date". It's just an opportunity to see how we get on face to face.

When on the un-date, you treat the person just like you were meeting a friend. Usually I did a casual lunch meetings because they were lower pressure - no romantic settings, nothing fancy.

Through all this, I kept reminding myself that I could only gain a friend from the meeting, not lose anything, since the person was basically a stranger. Too, because it was an un-date, there was no awkward parting moment when you decide whether or not to kiss

Doing dates this way profoundly increased my comfort level. And I think it greatly improved the way the other people viewed me. Because I wasn't as nervous, I came across much more friendly, rather than cold and analytical. And, because I wasn't terrified of rejection, I didn't come across as desperate!

It definitely takes a little practice and a change in mind-set, but it's really worthwhile.

Oh, and a few other things. while I was going through my research in interpersonal communications, preparing myself for the dating world, I read lots of books. Some of the most important included a book on body language and Larry King's book How to talk to anybody, anytime, anywhere.

Finally, the magic sauce - at an appropriate time, ask the person what they'd love to do if there were no limits. People love talking about their own dreams, and lifting the shackles of the everyday from somebody can be a moving experience. When done well, they come away from talking to you feeling great, and of course they then want to meet for a real date! But use this carefully. I had some really intense conversations with some people along these lines and it seemed like they fell for me too hard when I wasn't really interested in getting involved with them.

Ok, that's enough food for thought for the night. Good luck to all!

thank you for that, astro - it sounds brilliant. i agree about having to change one's mind-set - i can never manage to do "medium": it's all or nothing with me, and so either a bloke is going to be my lifelong partner, or nothing. i find it hard to say "oh, maybe he'll be another nice friend" as i'm never sure i can keep up with the energy required to keep friends.

blimey - don't i sound the anti-social one?

I was/am exactly the same way. After a few failed relationships, I spent a couple years trying to be honest with myself and engaged in some deep introspection and research.

During this time, I had several revelations that were indeed life changing. Two came in the form of dreams, filled with lots of symbolism etc....

In a nutshell (since I tend to post too long!)
Dream 1: showed me that I am the architect of my own life. While other people seem to be in control, in the end, I'm the one who makes choices about how I act and react.

Dream 2: I am a "light". Some people are "dark". Light reveals and casts out the dark. When you're around a "light", you feel good and warm inside. Dark people draw energy away and make you feel bad and cold.

I also had an experience that drove home that my fears were all in my head and that if I didn't just "go for it" at times, I was letting life pass me by.

Together, I started a quest to reprogram myself by doing very simple, but difficult things. For example, I had never been able to look a person in the eyes. It absolutely terrified me. So I set a goal for myself to look one random person a day in the eyes, smile, and say something like "hello, beautiful day"! Sure, some people ignored me or looked like I was crazy, but they were the vast minority.

It makes my heart beat fast just thinking about this! But you know what? The payoff was immediate. Suddenly, where I had seen darkness and cruelty in the world, I now saw beauty! It was an absolutely wonderful experience. Most people would smile back and say something. This process transformed strangers and made the world nowhere near as frightening for me.

Another exercise I did was to smile and compliment at least one person a day. Again, this was terrifying. Prior to that, I thought compliments were phony and was just a way to manipulate people. So, to avoid being a hypocrite, I looked for something about people that I truly liked. Maybe a nice sweater, or the color of their hair or just their smile.

This exercise was even harder than the first, because it forced an even higher level of interaction with people and ran more risk of rejection. But again, the rewards were immediate. You could just see the joy in people's faces! I felt like I had a magic wand that would bring happiness into people's lives.

An important aspect of these exercises for me was to pick all sorts of people. Men, women, young, old. I used to pay attention to only people that I was attracted to. My goal was to humanize the population.

Writing this reminds me that I need to practice this again. It's been about 10 years since I did this exercise, and I've fallen into my old habits and have isolated myself again now that I'm married.

Thanks for asking questions and helping me open my eyes again.
I hope some of this helps.

Astro, you sound very much like me!

I hated everything and everyone who wasn't my emmidiate couple of close friends or family. I used to blame everyone else for my failures and it actually was partly their fault but certainly wasn't all of it. I was stuck in such a state that I was scared to leave my house. The education system proved that they were corrupt and I didn't want anything to do with them but knew I had to find another way. I was done to the graqde 11 level but the rest seemed like a lifetime away to complete. I was angry and plotting revenge plans against people all the time. I labelled certain people as targets like "jocks" and "preps". In the end I realized that I was wrong. It seemed like a dim light just kept powering me through all the crap.

I bounced around in adult high taking a couple courses, then quitting, taking a couple, then quitting... because I couldn't handle functioning around other people. Eventually I had to quit it all together because the good, understanding teacher had left.
Then I made the choice to work in a popular retail/hardware store (Canadian Tire, about the scope of an avg Walmart store).

I knew I was a wreck and very timid around people so I absolutely immersed myself in a situation where I would HAVE TO CHANGE. It was like a shock treatment and it worked very well. I worked there for about a year and then got into complications with a jealous co-worker. This wasn't really as much AS related as it was a battle of witts. When I left there I went to work mowing industriel lawns with an old friend. He was funny and always encouraged me to talk and joke around more. I ended up writing a high school equivalency exam to get grade 12. Now almost 4 years later I have grown significantly.

I think the greatest thing was stopping all the "poor me" ideas and focusing on minding others.

I had my first date when I was 16 with one of the girls on my high school bowling team. It was all her idea. We double-dated with some of her friends a few times, and she invited me to her house a few times, and eventually people considered us a couple even though it was really just serial dating. I always felt awkward because I couldn't communicate properly and usually didn't understand what she wanted from me. Sometimes we'd go places where other teens were dating and I'd parrot what I was seeing other guys doing and she seemed to like it. One night after we'd been dating for months I got the impression that she wanted to get intimate, but I didn't know what to do about it. I was way too afraid to ask her what she wanted from me as I figured I was supposed to know already and I'd just look stupid. I didn't "freak out" or anything, but I pretty much started to shut her out after that. I concluded that I wasn't ready to have a relationship. My next date wasn't for another 6 years.

Just to clarify: I knew the physical aspects of sex and was very interested in having some. I just didn't know of any way to vaidate my interpretation of the situation without asking a direct question. Usually I just say what's on my mind, but this time I figured it wouldn't be the right way to go.

well well.... ill admit it now... but at school.. i am/was a girl with blonde hair and green/blue eyes and was the perfect weight i guess, but this doesnt mean all the guys flocked to me... this is kinda strange what im gonna say...

anyways, i mean i was am sorta still am a tomboy.. i always played handball, soccer, cricket etc.. with the boys only! i didnt care! i loved my sport and i felt like one of the guys all the time. ok heres the first weird thing.. in grade 3.... at this stage of my life i had no shame or embarrassment in doing anything - there was this guy in grade 5 (however i got kept down in preschool.. so he would only be a yr older than me).. i didnt feel anythign.. but i sorta hung round him i guess after school.. ha i think he even kissed me on the cheek once - but im not counting this as my first boyfriend... in grade 4 i realised taht.. maybe guys like because --- ok we were playing handball and the ball landed in this section where someone was fixing something there - it had that orange rope thing and i tyhink some workers of some sort were there.... anyway one of the guys asked to get the ball in ther, and the workers said no.. but when i went to go in there, the guys let me in and get the ball!

anyway.... i never went out with anyone until i was 20yrs old - however - im quite bad at this - i always had a crush on NEARly EVERY male teacher in primary school, and even some in high school! gosh it was bad.... mostly it was the music teacher at primary school.. and the principal of the other primary school i went to in grade 7... oh gosh...

anyway despite all these crushes and stuff, i think taht pple thought i was too weird and nerdy etc.. ioh yeah .. i just remembered.. i lied!! ! ok ok.. you could say my first boyfriend was the 'actual' boy next door when i was 14.. one day we were playing handball.. and then i wondered why we were still playing when it was nearly sunset... mmm after that.. he asked me out - then i just froze!! aah my god.. back then i thought every relationship involved that you got pregnant everytime lol!! i just froze for like forever.. and then i said no...... but then... a couple of days later... we went in my room... and oh my god.. after a while we kissed! it was totally weird.. eek.... he was only 12 tho.. maybe i shouldnt mention the next part... but.... maybe its an australian thing or something (he was a torres strait islander)... the next time he saw me.. he asked for.. s..e..x!! aah i freaked!1 no way im only 14 i said to myself gosh.. i didnt know a damn thing bout sex or sex-ed.. the only thing i had watched was those old videos with teh cartoon girls/boys 'Who am i".. or 'where did i come from" lol.. anyway... i shied away from him and kept sayin no no no.. until he got the message etc..

ok enuff of that.,.... anyway after going through my whole life except for the above mentioned... it was only when i was admitted to the psych ward first time thaat soemthing happened (im sorry but every post it seems... to indicate that my life revolves around my ward visits ROFL)..

anyway.. i was in there ... with my social phobia.. not talkikng to anyone.. then this chinese dude.. started talking to me.. he told me i was a perfectionist .quiet etc... his small talk i guess.... so.. umm great he eventually got me talking a little bit blah bla bah... then before i got out.. he gave me his phone number - he said it was incase we wnated to talk bout our problems etc (he gave his no.. to lotsa other pple too).... well ok.. i rang bout 2wks later.. asking my sister convincing me a billion times to ring him lol... ok it sorta hit off... and i had...... s.e.x at the age of 20.,.so this wsa my first serious thing.. it didnt last long tho... oh well
then a month after taht fell thru.. i met this other guy.... he was very secretive.. g osh everything he said was a lie etc.. gohs horrible... i broke up with him after two months... ok

now onto my current bf... this has been the most wonderful and flukiest thing ever...... ok my bf now..... he used to play in townsville brass with me when i was like 13/14yrs old... he left.. then i never saw him again until i was 16 in 1999.... i met him at macdonalds.. and he asked me if i wante to go out with him and his mates for adrink or something lie taht.. i said no because i was too scared of men at that stage and i was blushing and feeling all gooey like MAD... ok.... then.. after my second ward visit (got out may 2003.. i was 20yrs old)... i met him at a gas station.. he said out loud.. HOwdy stranger!.. so we talked for bout 10mins.. then he had to leave to work again... aah dammit i said to myself - ill never meet him again.... THEN.. likke about a month or so later.. i was in toys-r-us.,.and he was ther!! wow.. he gave me a hug too in there! wooohoo... aaah dammit i said again.. ill never meet him again..BUT then i was volunteering at an opshop.. and bout a month orsomehing later.. he wsa in there!! ! i said hiiiiiiii yya.. etc.. oh my god.. then i said.. ill never meet him again.. OK like 2wks later he came in there AGAIN!! thats it.. so i yelled out i want his phone number!! !! !! !! !! !!1 this was my only chance..yayayayyayayayaya lol... i got iit...

ok.. one more thing about my beautiful bf that ive met throught hte most flukey/miracles of circumstances... my 'date' i igues.. we were sitting on a park bench .but i was soooooo nervous that my whole body wsa shaking LOL .. oih well thats never happneed before... that wsa our first kiss - while i was shaking like MAD

ok... now i have been with him (above) for bout 17months now! he is the most beautiful man ever!! he doenst smoke or drink (same as me).. never tried drugs like me either!1 and hes sooo understanding>>.
i talked to someone in #chatautism and they said all these flukey meetings and stuff has a name..

SERENDIPITY.. (meaning) - Good luck in making unexpected and fortunate discoveries.

Wow!!... i wonder if anyone else has had somethin ultra flukey happened like that.. maybe the saying or something... love is forever or.... you will find love anywhere or whatevd the saying is must be SO true for me!! aww i feel so happpppy now aww wow!! ! flukyeeeeeeey.. its amazing what happens if you are fortunate enuff to be a patient in a psych ward LOL

I have had a lot of girls hit on me cause they think im cute, but i have a lot of trouble responding. I wanna ask em out but i end up choking and so far not been on a date although i have had atleast a dozen good chances.
A

^.^ I'm 14 and I am sooo lucky!! ! I have the most wonderfullest-est boyfriend ever!! ! His website is http://www.xanga.com/x_punkjunkie_x he is soooo cute!! !! He is just my type too!!

I had a 'boyfriend' when I was eleven. I could not get close to him, so I ended up dumping him three times. After the third time, I asked him not to ask me out again and promptly picked up a hot guy (well, my original bf was not bad looking) who ended up 'cheating' on me by asking this other girl out while I was with him. I had a boyfriend for a few days last december...It had been three years since my last relationship...I am still confused as to what went on. I did not like him, but since I thought he liked me, I asked him out. I dumped him ten days later...It felt like a sham. And then he told me that he never liked me in the first place...which is the source of my confusion.

I want to have a relationship with another person...but I have trouble with intimacy. Maybe I will try again when I am 18-19...

Damn, am I the only Autistic sista who has never been asked out? I'm 18 and have never been asked out, never dated, will never date a guy who does not fit the way I am (Asian, Vegan, metalhead, and all the other junk). BTW I am also plus sized, am considered 'ugly' and overweight, thick glasses, crappy frizzy hair that used to have highlights and now looks like a bird pooped in it and then made a nest, etc. Well Celibacy is a gift and we all must embrace it!

Well, I started trying to get a date around age 11. 10 years later I still haven't accomplished that task

I never dated with someone But i'm sure that there's a girl somewhere... who is just like me. I really hope that.

I'm 17 and i haven't dated anyone yet for many reasons:

1. I'm a lil' not-so-thin (although I don't know how that could affect since people say I'm pretty though, and a lot of fat ugly girls date a lot)

2. "I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo", I'm really an "unusual" person according to most of the people

3. I fell in love with my best friend (who happens to be a girl), and of course 6 years have passed and she still doesn't know that. Anyway i want to get her out of my head, and also I like guys.

4. Guys feel me as a girl who they can talk with about interesting things, they consider me an equal, and for some strange reason they don't date that kind of girls.

5. Anyway is not like I know a lot of guys, and a lot of them are ugly, or dumb or treat women bad.

P.S.: Just a question: what does mean?

I'm 19 and I have never dated. My anti- social nature has got in the way. I am trying to be more social so this can happen, by joining clubs etc. and maybe one day I'll get a girlfriend.