NT boyfriend, Lots of communication difficulties.

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We are having lots of communication issues and I feel like it is all my fault any NT's here have any advice on how I a AS women should communicate with my NT boyfriend. What you all think. I need some input.

What are some of the specific communication difficulties you two have been having? E.g. Expressing thoughts/feelings at the moment... Expressing sentiments at the right time... Clearly vocalizing needs, understanding the other's needs...?

Or is it more generalized, in that neither of you feels as though the other understands what you're saying/how you're feeling?

Are there any behaviors contributing to the lack of communication on either of your parts? E.g. Shutting down emotionally/becoming unresponsive... Defensiveness... Twisting of the other's words (misinterpretation)... Flight response, as in refusing the dialogue altogether...?

Are there any behaviors contributing to the lack of communication on either of your parts? E.g. Shutting down emotionally/becoming unresponsive... Defensiveness... Twisting of the other's words (misinterpretation)... Flight response, as in refusing the dialogue altogether...?

right there you got it right. I am not good at vocalizing.

I have problems communicating with my NT boyfriend too, but it's more like the first and second set of problems that Side_Kick mentioned. If anyone has any advice, I would gladly appreciate it

I have all the problems honestly. I wish I COULD work it out. I do not want to loose my boyfriend.

No problem. I always think it's more fair to offer people examples when I'm asking for more detail

So all of those apply, I take it? How long have you two been together/seeing each other? And is it that one of you is more inclined to these behaviors, or are you both contributing (or rather, not contributing)?

I have to be honest in that I have only had one experience in being in a relationship where these were common issues... The man I was with was very untrusting of everybody, and no matter what I did or said to prove my trustworthiness to him, it was never there. (He's NT, likely, but definitely has some sort of psychological distress, I am sure of it). We were together for over three years, and absolutely every time I tried to tell him exactly what I was thinking or feeling, and what my intentions/motivations were, he would use my words against me... Twist them until they meant something totally different, and say things for me that would be too out of character for me to even conceive of on my own. My body language would be interpreted as contradicting what I was saying, but I may have well as not had a body at the moment, since all of my energy and focus was on perfectly articulating my thoughts...

We did break up, so I'm not sure if my practical advice would be of any use, but if I could go back in time, or know then what I know now...?

1) Emotionally Shutting Down/Unresponsiveness: If it's him who becomes this way, I would suggest giving him time to himself, away from the dialogue, or whatever is causing him stress. Perhaps even vocalizing, "You seem to be having issue with discussing this right now. We can leave it for another time. This issue will not resolve itself, so we will have to come back to this when you are ready." If you have found yourself "shutting down," try explaining it to him outside of a moment where it applies. Obviously, if you're feeling emotionally withdrawn, opening up and vocalizing your thoughts will be particularly difficult. Choose a calm time to remind him of a time you got that way, and make your best effort to explain why it happens, and that if it happens again you will need him to give you a moment (or longer) to regroup and prepare yourself to finish the dialogue.

2) Defensiveness: Again, I personally think this comes down to trust issues (not believing that your partner thinks well of you, or having this feeling that you are being attacked), but one is entirely responsible for this tendency (it can be deeply rooted in low self-esteem, as well). I, myself, can become quite defensive at times, and what I find works best is to remind myself that if this person truly wanted to make my life hell and hurt me, they would probably just not be here at all... And when I can't help but feel like I've just been attacked with a statement, I just remind myself that I would like to be able to consider myself the "bigger man." That if this person really is trying to upset me, I simply won't let them. Unfortunately, I don't think I can offer much in terms of how to deal with someone else who is on the defensive... Usually though, I can say that straight-up telling a person to "not be so defensive," can worsen the situation. Something that others have been able to do with me is to recognize my feeling instead, and reassure me (with an honest, well-meaning tone), "You seem to feel as though I was attacking you when I said ___? I'm sorry if it sounded that way. I really don't mean to upset you, I just wanted to discuss this."

3) Twisting of Another's Words/Misinterpretation: There really is no light that I personally can shed on this for you... This was without question the worst communication barrier that myself and my past partner experienced, and it was never resolved. The problem I faced again, was a general lack of trust from my partner, so there was nothing in this world that I could ever have said or done to prove to him that I meant what I said. The only thing I can suggest is to keep in mind that the most you can do in this situation is be as honest and forthright as possible, and try not to drive yourself mad if you are grossly misunderstood. At the end of the day, that is all we are responsible for, and if someone is going to suppose otherwise, that's what they are going to do. If you ever find yourself being the one who is drawing inaccurate conclusions/making assumptions, there are two things I would suggest... Ask for absolutely as much clarity as you feel you need, and also to remind yourself how you feel when someone refuses to hear you out or believe you. Sorry I can't help more with this one

4) Flight response is a very natural mechanism that almost all of us use. They used to say one would either fly or fight in a scenario, but I have also been told of a third option... to freeze. It was explained to me that in the wild, were we to be cornered with a threat (supposing a predator), we would either take flight (run away), fight (if we didn't think we could escape in time), or totally panic and freeze (like a deer in headlights). I would say that given the basal nature of these types of responses, and considering the notion that they are triggered with a feeling of being "attacked" by something as fearful as a predator, that a person demonstrating any one of these mechanisms should be given immediate space. Like if you see a wild animal you wish very much to have come to you, and it seems uncertain, timid, you're best bet is to wait and prove your good intention, rather than forcefully try to pick it up/chase it/etc. If it is yourself you tends to use this mechanism, I would again, at a more calm moment, attempt to explain how this works/feels for you, and what you need when it happens.

If there is an absolute unwillingness on either person's part to make legitimate attempt toward bettering communication, and especially if dialogues that are set aside momentarily are discarded and never returned to as agreed, I can't say there would be much hope. It is very rare for two people to find their methods of communication to be identical to one-another's, so effort to make things understood is nearly always necessary.

That being said, change is also never effective immediately I hope the two of you can progress to a better state of communication Best of luck!

it takes two. He should be willing, males and females generally have different communications styles in the best of situations anyway. You can't do it alone.

The first set of communication problems are a lot trickier to manage, I'm afraid...

Expressing thoughts and feelings, particularly at the moment one is feeling them can be quite the challenge, and though I wouldn't consider it to be insurmountable, I would suggest that a great deal of time can be spent working on improving that skill, and it would require patience on behalf of the person's partner. Obviously, if someone has a history of finding themselves almost unable to express themselves this way, it should be mentioned to their partner. Not in a way that makes it sound like a cop out (so they don't think you're trying to say, "This is the way I am. The way I'm going to stay. Deal with it"), but just so that your reluctance to "get it out" when they expect/need you to isn't taken personally. I am very fond of writing letters, even brief ones for that reason. I have spent years myself finding a way to communicate my thoughts at the moment, and there are often still times that I simply cannot... Or there will be lots of long, awkward pauses while I wait for the exact right words to come to mind. I have even been known to sit and write out my thoughts while beside the person.

Expressing sentiments at the right time is again, an ability that can be tricky to manage... Social anxiety doesn't typically allow us to engage in multiple social situations where we would/could have gained the experience in such matters... It may just be one of those things that will have to be accepted by our better-halves as something that we are just not going to excel in. I believe that a good partner, upon knowing that it's difficult for someone to know what to say at the right moment, would drop their expectations, and simply tell their partner what they need them to say/do... "I had a horrible day. Could you please hold me?" or "I got that promotion I've been waiting for! Congratulations are in order?" I have a friend who told me that he didn't understand why people say they are "sorry" when he told them of his father's passing (which was also long, long ago). I have always been a little stumped by this as well, and the sentiment always rolls quite awkwardly off my tongue... But I've seen it done time and time again, and it always seems to be the generally accepted sentiment upon a person suffering some major loss. So I go with it. I don't totally understand it, and it feels somewhat strange to say it, but it seems to be the thing to say in such a circumstance, based off of witnessing it in social situations. *shrug*

It can also be quite difficult to vocalize your needs, not just in having the assertiveness to do this, but also having the diplomacy to make certain that the other person won't take offense. Commonly, telling someone you "need some space" can be interpreted as a break-up. I suppose this is due to the fact that most people in this world don't say what they mean, and use some kind of strange code, instead... English words and sentences that literally mean one thing, but suggestively indicate something completely separate. Sadly, this usually means that people being forthright with their wording are more likely to be misinterpreted. Again, this is something that may be best done in writing, if possible. For every need that a person wants to express, I would be inclined to reinforce, with example, what I really mean. So if my need was in fact that I "needed some space," I would say that this simply means I have interests I need to pursue, and don't want to feel resentful if I don't pursue them to instead spend time with that person, as I likely believe I would. The example I would offer could be something like, "We seem to spend every other night together, but I usually like to get in at least 20 hours of sewing a week. If we could spend three nights per week together instead, I could use the other nights to work, and then I would be more productive, and therefor happier, as well." If you express your needs and the person tries to make you feel guilty about them, that is their problem. Perhaps they need a hobby. Either way, don't let anyone ever make you feel guilty for needing whatever it is that you do.





Precisely. Don't try to assume full responsibility! That's not how relationships work, anyhow. If you do feel like some of your behaviors are contributing to the communication problems, then he is still 50% responsible in being patient with you, trying to understand you despite your difficulty to vocalize things, etc... This is NOT your fault. And even if things couldn't be worked out, it still would NOT be your fault. It would simply be an incompatibility.

be honest with him. I'm currently involved with an introverted NT who is very fond of affection. Tell him about your problem, and your need for freedom. If he is reasonable he will try to accept it. I told my friend about my social deficiencies and he advised me not to conform.

There are two people in any relationship. Both need to make an effort. Regardless of neurological perspective, effort needs to be made on both sides. Respect and communication are really important in relationships. As previous posters have said, being honest is good, I'll add to that, being aware of how you're feeling and being aware of your needs when you're feeling certian things could help too.

As an NT guy dating an AS girl I have one thing to say. Be blunt and honest. Make sure they are listening and just calmly explain things. Be blunt. It works. At least in my case it does.

So now our problem is I assume things. Also that I say that I am a bad girlfriend because I feel so, but he says I can never say those things because it makes him upset. I already feel like a bad person so I do not know if that is possible for me not tosay anymore. What do you all think. Do you all ever have problems with self esteem issues but it is not becase you totally hate yourself. Does that make sense?

OP, what communication style works best for you? Are you better with written communication? Are you better if you have some time to think about what's going to be discussed in advance? Are you better in the morning or the evening? After/before sex? (Don't tell me about you sex life, just pointing out that sex can make anyone a lot more emotionally vulnerable.) What is the best enironment? I don't know where you're having these conversations, but is environment a factor? For example, a noisy restaurant, a public place, his apartment, your apartment, etc.?

I'm trying to encourage you to take some time to think about what you need in order to be your best in terms of communication. That's important, because well, your needs matter. Additionally, you're clearly stressed out over this. Anything that increases your stress is going to hamper communication. I suggest taking some time to figure out what works best for you, and communicate that to your bf. Tell him that you need his help to create conditions that are conducive to communication.

I don't know if he actually said you can never say you're a bad gf (as in you are not free to express yourself), or if he said something more like, "Honey, I hate to hear you say that. It bothers me when you say stuff like that because I love you." There's a major difference between those two approaches. However, if you feel like he's telling you you're not free to express yourself, you need to communicate that to him. If there's been a misunderstanding, you guys need to clear it up - cause being unable to express yourself is a deal-breaker in my book.

As far as your comment about making assumptions....look, I don't know if your bf is the type to blame you, or to share responsibility. I hope he's the type to share responsibility. If he's not, DTMFA.

guys help me out give me more. It is almost over. I CAN NOT take it.

I understand unitedprayr entirely. I feel like im loosing fighting battle as argument with my NT girlfriend are started cos has herd me say something I did not mean to say mooderly or ive mistaking her tone. I have t convince basically on my hands and knees I did not mean or say it that way. It hard unless the other partner fully understands AS