Heartbroken over an Aspie boy, please help

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1. When Aspies disappear for weeks on end and are completely unresponsive to any form of communication, do they ever think about you? Or is it an "out of sight, out of mind" situation?
2. With my situation, do you think it's just the Aspie traits OR is he just a non-committal guy who happens to be an Aspie?
3. If I were to confront him with the "Where do I stand?" kind of conversation, what would be the best way to approach it without freaking him out?

My opinion:

1. Not at all. Aspies will think about people at the same rate as others, maybe sometimes more, cus we tend to get obsessive :]
2. Could be both, see #3
3. You should confront him directly. Freaking out is laaaaaaaargely an NT-reaction, since aspies will often have a much more neutral and factual approach to most problems.

MY GUESS is that he likes you back, but he is afraid to freak YOU out. We tend to learn life the hard way, namely by freaking people out, and adding whatever we did, to a "do not do"-list.
I got burned on the relationship attempt at early childhood, it didnt even take more than 2 half-hearted attempts w the wrong reaction, to disencourage me from trying again.
A decade later i tried again, and once more i freaked the girl out so i went another decade not trying anything

one thing is for sure:
your the girl, hes the guy. Your NT, hes aspie:
YOU are waiting for HIM to make a move - such as guys ought to -
He will not do this ;D
So YOU have to turn the table, and make a possibly almost-impossible situation for him much much easyer.

/5 cents :]

1.) I usually go AWOL for weeks and sometimes even months on end with people. People will contact me while I am AWOL, and it's always a combination of things. Sometimes, they will text me and I do not know what to say back to them, and by the time an answer comes, it is usually too late to respond in my mind. The other thing I have a problem with is sometimes I generally do not want to be bothered by people. I want to be secluded and be left to my silence, and when people constantly try to contact me, it drives me away even more, because I just want to spend my days in complete peace. If I feel I do not get that, it usually extends my periods of non-contact with people until I feel satisfied. It's not that I do not want anything to do with them, I just need time to process alot of things happening around me and I cannot do so properly with everyone always near, so I take a few days and try to get away. Those days sometimes turn into months because I am in one way, shape, or form, attempting to be contacted by someone. To answer your question, it is certainly not 'out of sight, out of mind'. I think about those people I am not in touch with for those periods alot. For me, I just need time to process my feelings properly and assess things.

2.) I cannot answer this as all aspies are different. His traits do not reflect the traits of all aspies and therefore this question is really unable to be answered in my opinion.

3.) Confront him, but don't be confrontational about it. He has obviously had ample time to think about his position regarding this situation with you and him, and he already knows what he wants. Tell him how you feel and ask him if he feels the same. I do not freak out, but I know with me, even if I have an answer for something when confronted, if I am confronted in the wrong way, and I feel under attack, I will clam up and back down until the discussion is held on my terms. I don't like to feel put on the spot about things even though I have no problems telling anyone how I feel. I like to feel at ease when I have a discussion about my feelings toward something such as this.



This is just me, though.

Sorry for coming in late, i dont come in here often.

I wont bog you down in the details of the particulars of my attempts to have a relationship, ive only ever felt comfortable around 3 females in 39 years. But maybe i can give you some idea of how i have felt around the people i have liked.

For me at least if i like someone then even when im not around them i think of them to the point of obsession. While i sometimes may exploit any opportunity to see the person, more likely i make an effort to be seen as not that interested and try and make everything appear casual. Sometimes i can pull that off, sometimes i think im appearing casual, but it fails and i find out from others that im being obvious. But most of the time i try and give no impression i like them at all until things come to a head and ive already spent a lot of time processing the possibilities of being with them above a friends level. And believe me its hard for me to even be friends with someone. Mosty its because im scared and ive been hurt each time i have tried to take that next step from friends. Its also fair to say i tend to spend a lot of time away form people thinking over (replaying?) events in my head and theorising the permutations of any next step or interaction. A certain amount of fear usually accompanies thinking about seeing the person the next time. Im also guilty of convincing myself that it cant possibly work and i then avoid the person.

Maybe he has had something similar happen in the past or thinks in a similar pattern??

Equally as others have suggested he may well like you but feel that he may freak you out with the depth of his feelings for you.. Its not exactly easy knowing an aspy.....

We taker cues from others, i think thats a good point to make.

The key i think is communication. A lot of hurt feelings could be saved if both parties are clear about their intentions. While i think im pretty clear that i like someone when im with them and ive come out of my shell and thought they are worth the chance, purely because its unusual for me to feel that way, the other person doesnt know that. They also wont know of previous encounters and thats of course not something you share with someone you might be interested in.

I think the best thing you can do is be clear that you are interested in being more than friends, and maybe say that you can appreciate that he might have had bad experiences in the past. While i (and i think most apsies) have no concept myself (ourselves) of feeling empathy for other peoples problems or pain, i think we are capable of feeling it from others in some way...if that makes sense. I dont think even aspergers precludes you from the joy of finding yourself being understood by another human being. Personally what i hope to find some day is someone who will make it clear to me that they arent going to hurt me, because thats all ive ever experienced. I avoid people because of the hurt, its all ive known. If someone were to give me an experience different to this i think it would change my life.

Like others have said, by now he will have made up in his own mind what he really wants, but maybe he is simply scared to communicate this, and as many of us do, we revert to whats comfortable to avoid confrontation and/or avoiding repeating hurt in the past. I will do anything to ever feel hurt again, including push people away. A few months ago i was enjoying a quiet beer while reading a book at a very quiet little pub down by the water in sydney near my place (something i rarely do over summer to get out of the house) when a girl at a nearby table attempted to start up a conversation with me. I quickly put an end to this because of past experiences. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. I only thought about the possible pathways that conversation might have taken *after* coming home and thinking about it 2 days later.....

Be upfront and you never know, you may be the person to offer him something he has been looking for, but too scared to approach himself.

Everything is a risk though, make sure you are prepared for a negative outcome, but hope for a positive one.

Always hope for the positives, its all that keeps me going.

I hope its positive for you, i really do.

But also be careful with your own feelings in all this, Love isnt meant to be one sided or traded as a commodity between people, its meant to be shared.

I hope you find your share, whether its with him, or without

If he doesnt appreciate you after being at this for a year and being honest with him, then move on, you deserve better

I feel bad for the few girls that have had a relationship with me. I'm emotionally absent most of the time. One girl told me to never speak to her again after dating a few weeks and I just shrugged and said "okay" as if it was no big deal. I didn't know I had AS at the time. She came back a few days later and that scenario played out over and over for a year. She got the same response every time. Well, a doctor put me on steroids for a week and I finally ran her and a few other people off for good. (AS and Prednisone.....a very bad combo). I loved her dearly but I guess I didn't show it enough. My advice, get out while your young enough to move on.

He needs to have your desires and your intentions CLEARLY spelled out for him. He's just trying not to overstep what he believes are your boundaries.

You'll need to take initiative. Have a conversation with him and tell him how you feel. Basically ask him if he would like a relationship.

Honestly, I think there are as many different kinds of Asperger behaviour as there are Aspies out there.

Ignore the people who say it's just FWB. I've never dated an Aspie guy for whom that was really possible. (Even if the guy said that.)

However, there are all kinds of Aspies. The first one I dated moved in after a month, asked me to marry him after a year, and still calls my answering message to hear my voice ten years later.

The second cannot live with another person, and has a lot of trouble figuring out what it is he feels. That relationship has been a lot more like what you are describing.

You should read, "22 Things" by Rudy Simone. It's about AS men in relationships, and you will find it incredibly validating.

The one thing I will say is that Aspies have patterns. If an Aspie was ever serious about you, e.g., spent a lot of time with you, said you were dating, etc, they usually come back to that if you're still around. (although it can take years.)

If your pattern, though, is something less--it's very difficult to get more. Again, don't take it personally--that might just be his pattern with you and every other woman he will date in the next 40 years.

I don't like being expected to maintain a relationship in between times and demonstrate feelings with text messages! This is so common now. I think I should have been born a long time ago. People with AS are not going to understand "where we stand" and "what I expect you to do now" text messages. For that matter, it's probably not that easy for NTs either.