Questions about my boyfriend with Aspergers

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Thanks for the help everyone.

Last edited by BlueMoon87 on 11 May 2010, 5:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

Most of the things you are describing are pretty stereotypical of Aspergers Syndrome. Your relationship would likely benefit from discussing these things with him openly - most adults with AS usually have quite a bit of knowledge about the topic.

1~ Yes it's not uncommon for people with Aspergers to talk to themsleves. I do that sometimes.

2~ I feel younger than my age myself. He could mean that he has immature interest, an immature sense of humor, he may have problems socially compared to people his age, he he could be kind of dependent or have problems making decision ect.

3~ People with AS like routine. I watch the same shows as well. Instead of trying to get him to watch something else; you could try watching what you want on a different TV & tell him he can watch with you if he wants but don't force him.

4~ I've been on anti-psychotics myself due to anger problems. I'm not like that now thou & am off meds but meds can really affect people so if something wer to change I guess he could get worse but he could also get better. It mite would be a good idea to talk to his doc about your concerns. That way you will know what signs to watch for ect.

5~ The job opportunities depend on each person. Some people with AS have special skills/interest that they can get carrer fields in but others don't. Also some areas have different job opportunities than others & he may could have some social services available to help.

6~ Some people with AS really want relationships but others don't. There is a lot of misinformation about AS. I don't think people with AS or cold or unfeeling but they have problems expressing themselves correctly so they may appear that way to others who they are not close to. He could want to be married because it's so hard for him to connect. Some people with AS are kind of asexual but others are highly sexual. Also AS people have a hard time feeling comfortable with strangers sometimes so they may apear asexual to people they are not close to

Yeah, I have tried discussing it with him some. If I bring something up he thinks I am trying to come up with reasons to break up. I was just hoping for some knowledge from others.

He probably feels very inadequate & insecure about his AS issues. It mite be a good idea to try to reassure him of why you like him & that you will stay by him even if he can not improve & that you want to better understand him & help him because you care for him

It just means he thinks to himself similar to what he did at that age. I'm the same, but it does not affect interaction or behaviour with others.

If he ever acted like an animal - as in 'seriously thought he was some sort of caged Wild Boy of Borneo' - and if he's taking antipsychotic meds - he's got something far more seriously wrong with him than Asperger Syndrome. AS is a handicap, not a form of psychosis, and there is currently no medication effective for AS. The only comorbid conditions commonly associated with AS that might be medicated are Anxiety and Depression.

Yes, we often talk to ourselves, I made a 30+ year career out of talking to myself in other people's voices on the radio, yes we suffer from impaired executive function (although balancing a checkbook shouldn't be a challenge), yes we often feel emotionally 'younger' than our chronological age (also a byproduct of the impaired exec function which in our brains stops developing around adolescence), employment works best if we find a job doing something we're already obsessed with, but maintaining employment is the tricky part, since our social dysfunction causes people to view us askance. Plenty of us have or have had children and families. Relationships are a struggle, but whose aren't?



Two people say "I have no interest in sex" and we're all painted with a broadbrush. That's a myth. Repeated failures at social interaction may cause some to simply give up, and maybe some really aren't interested, but I don't see that even applying to a significant subgroup, much less a majority. I consider it one of my 'Personal Interest Obsessions'...and I have most excellent Kung Fu.

Get a clue about what you're talking about before you make such a critical opinion.
"Acting like an animal" Could easily mean putting on some bunny ears and hopping around as a kid etc. I used to act like a cat.

As for anti psychotics, there are specific atipsychotics that work well with some peoples aspergers symptoms, which could include anxiety, depression, OCD.. don't be so pedantic, its probably what she means by aspergers meds. etc.. Rispiredol is one, which is used and works well for many members here. Being on an anti-psychotic does not mean you're a "psycho". Theres nothing that will "Treat" aspergers, all the meds we're on just make the symptoms more managable.

I talk to myself often when I'm alone. I thought everyone did. I know my mom does.



I feel that way also sometimes. In some ways I think I'm as mature as someone in their 30's but sometimes I feel like a young kid also. I'm not sure how to describe it properly. I can't answer this question very well.



I listen to the same music over and over all the time, generally for hours at a time. I have no idea if it's common. If you want to watch something else then just ask. I know I'd have no problem changing my music if someone else was getting annoyed by the repetitiveness.



I don't think so. As you age your maturity level goes up. Everyone pretends to be an animal when they are kids. Me and my sister loved playing lion king. I'm not sure what you mean by better. Asperger's isn't a disease that can get better. It just is what it is.



Same here. I can't answer this question. I'm currently doing a vocational program and exploring those options. Anything that doesn't involve a lot of people would be OK for me though.



I don't know why they wouldn't be capable of being supportive parents. I feel I would be an amazing dad to a kid one day and I very much want kids.



I'm glad you want to understand him better. I wish I could find a girl like you. It's great that you accept him for who he is and are supportive of him.

- For me it's perfectly normal, it calms me down, making voices/faces for me is a kind of self entertainment when I'm lonely for instance.



- I'm 30 and sometimes feel like 15, that doesn't mean I go acting like a 15 year old, but the state of mind I'm in reflects to the time that I was 15.



- I can understand that it can be boring (or worse), maybe you can make a compromise with him, 1 hour of his shows, 1 hour of your shows. You have a clear boundry when to watch the shows and what shows to watch.



- If the medicine does it's job right, he shouldn't get any worse, but he will not change much, just can cope with life better.



- I'm in the same situation right now, there is no perfect job for all Aspergers. Talk with him about his interests, maybe go to a course or workshop to get a certificate wich strengthens his posistion on the jobmarket. Don't forget we live in economical bad times and even NT's have difficulties finding jobs, not only AS's.



- He clearly likes to have children, a lot of them, no problem with that. And YES, however it will never be easy.



- All NT's like blue cars.... It's true, you can read it here. Not everything you read applies to everyone, we might have a disorder, but it doesn't mean we don't have different personalities. I like sex, but no more than once a week. Others might think differently.

My advice to you: talk with him, but don't confront him, give him time to think, don't expect awnsers within minutes. A relationship is hard work for both of you, not only you and not only him, but together.
It's good to see that you care for him and want to understand him better, a good basis of a relationship!

I know others have answered and answered well, but I'll throw in my opinions, too, for what they're worth.

Yes, perfectly. I talk to myself quite a lot, too.



As another poster said, it's an odd feeling that's hard to describe. It may be best described as feeling out of synch and a bit vulnerable because of that.



Some people just like repetition, some don't. It's a just a thing. As a suggestion, my neice and her son (both NT) like to watch different shows together. He'll take the television while she watches her programs on the computer with a set of headphones so neither one disturbs the other. That way they're each doing something they enjoy, together.



I can't comment on the medication. I don't know anything about it.



It depends on the person, just like anyone else's career choices. For the record, I can't keep up with a checkbook, either. I do all my banking online where I can see my balance and keep track of it on the fly, instead. I also keep all of my bills on automatic debit, since I have trouble keeping track of them individually otherwise. (I tend to get really mad when there isn't a convenient way to do the automatic debit, too. ) There are always work-arounds, you just have to look for them.



I would say he talks about this because he one day wants to get married and have kids. He may be trying to sound you out on the subject, too. Sit down and talk to him about it. Folks with AS are generally fine with frank discussions that would upset other people, but they don't always know how to start those discussions. It can be very intimidating.

As for whether or not he can be a supportive spouse and father, you will find that there are a number of happily married aspies with kiddos that they absolutely adore right here on this forum. You may have to adjust your expectations of how emotion should be expressed, but if you're in a successful relationship with an aspie, you likely already have.



Kudos for trying to understand him better. There's a saying I've seen around this board a few times: If you've met one person on the autistic spectrum, you've met one person on the autistic spectrum. That means simply that different people are different. No one will ever fit into the neat cubby holes that the world tries to force people into, so keep working on understanding the man you're with. Best wishes.

First I would like to point out that people with AS aren't cold, thoughtless or emotionless. This is a neurotypical mis-interpretation. People with AS MAY appear cold, thoughtless, or emotionless because it is not always sufficiently communicated to them that there is something to be warm, thoughtful, or emotional about. If I do not realize that someone is very upset, I would not comfort them, but if I realized they were upset, I would indeed comfort them. If I do not realize someone might like if I sent them a thankyou card, then I would not send one, but if it's known to me this is a tradition they follow and expect of others, then I will send them one. If I do not realize someone has insulted me, or a situation is particularly dire, then I wouldn't be mad or upset, however if I realize it, then I would be.

It's unfortunate that many people do not understand people with AS are not empty shells, but rather just have have difficulty picking up on the more subtle forms of communication..

Concerning questions 5 and 6.

People with AS are not stupid. Most with AS are of average or high average intelligence, and should be perfectly able to care for their personal needs. People with AS may be perfectly competent doctors (my own doctor has AS), engineers, researchers, artists, and so on. People with AS run into issues when it comes to dealing with other people. There are two reasons for this. First, the average person generally thinks in this way...

If you are sick you must be bed ridden, if you are not bed ridden then you must not be sick, if you can sing you can talk, and if you can't talk then you can't sing.

This is faulty reasoning. It's this same faulty reasoning that leads them to think that if someone has AS they must act like rain man, or a robot, or always be oblivious to everything, and if they don't act this way, and in fact, seem perfectly normal, then they must be neurotypical.

In reality most people with AS come across as intelligent, fairly normal, but occasionally slightly quarky individuals, who, in actuality, are highly competent at a number of rather complex things and may have difficulty with a few rather mundane things, and people have a difficult time grasping this.

That being said, people with AS usually have the same goals and desires as anyone else. Some want families and have them, some would rather pursue a career.

You will find a higher number of sexually disinterested individuals among those with AS than the general population, however, I can promise you there are many men here who think about sex quite a bit! They are, after all, rather reproductively normal, healthy men. I would say the majority of men with AS are just as interested in the matter as any other man.


Personally this is not something I do, as I would find it rather boring as well. However it wouldn't be very surprising that someone with AS might do this. My roommate, who doesn't have AS but surely isn't neurotypical, is quite content watching things he has seen before.[/quote]


This is more common a bit down the spectrum as something called echolalia. However a person with AS, when alone, may not entirely suppress thoughts, whether this be repeating lines of a song, movie or TV show they like, or whether they are just thinking out loud. Then again someone with AS may never do this. If it's anything to you, plenty of neurotypical people talk to themselves quite a bit.


Well this is a tricky one. There is nothing about AS that inherently requires anti-psychotics to manage. People with AS do not suffer psychosis. In fact, psychosis, by current definitions (which is rather arbitrarily decided by a panel of psychiatrists), psychosis would exclude one from a diagnosis of AS. However, there is something called Schizotypal Personality Disorder, in which the person may have traits of AS but also suffer from mild forms of psychosis such as paranoia or odd beliefs. However it should be noted that people with Schizotypal Personality disorder retain a high degree of awarness of reality in that they always know that their paranoia is irrational and often know their odd beliefs are odd. A person with Schizotypal Personality Disorder may be put on anti-psychotics to relieve them of the stress associated with these mildly psychotic symptoms, and perhaps as a safe guard to prevent the theoretical development of actual schizophrenia, as they are thought to be more pre-disposed to it.

However, anti-psychotics, like all medications, have properties that make them useful in treating disorders other than which they were initially intended to treat. An example would be using an anti-psychotic which also has a sedative effect in someone with severe anxiety if the person cannot have traditional anti-anxiety medications for some reason. The use of SSRI's fo treating OCD is another example of a medication being used to treat something it was not developed to treat. SSRI's were developed to treat depression, but just happen to be somewhat effective in treating OCD.

So your boyfriend may not have any form of psychosis.

What he means by he feels he's still 12, you would have to ask him to elaborate on that.

I do this a lot. According to my parents, when I was four or five I regularly spoke quite loudly (rather than just muttered) to myself in the presence of others, and in fact most of my speech was directed at myself rather than other people. I just mutter now, and tend to catch myself before I do it in the presence of others, but I can't help but feel like I'm pretty out of the ordinary for doing that. I can't speak for other people.

It doesn't have to mean anything, at least insofar as a connection with AS goes. Many people without AS connect with their twelve year-old selves. Generally speaking, we have pretty clear memories of being twelve and of still being blissfully unaware of certain things.

I don't watch TV but I imagine this is fairly common. My instinct tells me to not get in his way if this is something he does on his own. If he makes you watch the shows with him you may want talk about your wanting some variety.

The medication is a curious thing. I've never been on medication for any psychological condition, and I haven't heard of people taking anything for AS, specifically. There may be comorbid conditions, such as depression which can be treated in such a fashion.

As I understand it, generally he's going to be as autistic (or non-autistic) as always.

I have a university degree, as do several of us, so college isn't out of the question. As for proper jobs, I'll leave that question in better hands.

It's not an insurmountable obstacle in and of itself.

There's a curious divide on these forums between men who are very sexual and a minority of men who consider themselves asexual. I feel as if I'm as interested in women as every other guy, and can't relate to asexuality at all.

I know it's normal to say things out loud sometimes to yourself, but he said he sometimes will have conversations out loud. I think that's a bit different then asking yourself out loud what you did with something, or worrying outloud to yourself. I know I don't talk to myself the way he does.

He has been seeing a therapist for 6 years, and she's the one that put him on the medication. At first he told me it for his depression and his anxiety. However, I mentioned it the other day because he had forgot to take it. He told me they were anti-psychotics and help mask his AS symptoms. He told me if he doesn't take them for a while he gets more frustrated, talks to himself more, more angry, and is harder to be around.


He's currently obsessed with martial arts. He has a dream of becoming an instructor or owning his own martial arts school. It will take him years, though. Right now he's taking four different classes a week. His other obsession are Elvis Presley and fitness. He worked at a gym for a while, but he said women were complaining about him because they misunderstood some of the things he said or did when he was training them. So he stopped working there.

Thanks for all the responses. It definitely gave me more information.

I have whole conversations with myself when I am alone. In the bathroom, in the car...it matters not. It helps me think somehow, which is weird, because I am not auditory or verbal. I guess it just helps me keep track of my thoughts, which are speeding by so fast. It also helps me review my day. Sometimes, I will be perfectly silent. Never have I been on an anti-psychotic, though, only an anti-depressant/anxiety pill once. It only accomplished in making me an extrovert, with all my aspie qualities intact.

I am currently queued to get a new job, one which is actually perfect for my individual needs. I am really excited! Over the years, though, I've worked at a variety of jobs. I would say, avoid customer service and food service, as they are executive function heavy. What kind of classes is your boyfriend taking? It seems as though there is a lot he can do with those fields, but he'd probably have to be used to working with people. How frequently do his obsessions change?

I clearly specified what I was referring to as 'acting like an animal' Get a clue by paying attention to what you read.



Actually, that is precisely what ANTI - PSYCHOTIC means. "the antithesis of psychosis". If you were not experiencing psychosis, you wouldn't need it. Maybe your doctor isn't telling you everything that's on your chart.



'managing symptoms' is 'treating', but just because your doctor is pushing pills and you're enjoying them doesn't mean you're getting any better.

Is English your first language?

Last edited by Willard on 10 May 2010, 5:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.