BPD+Aspergers+jealousy= I need some advice!

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Hey all, I am a Borderline who is in a serious relationship with an Aspie (this seems way more common than I would have thought) and I need some advice. In the close to two years that we have been dating, we have had an open relationship, but neither of us have ever actually gotten with anyone else, even though we have been doing a long distance thing for almost a year. Now, he wants to hook up with a mutual friend of ours, and my classic fear of abandonment has me climbing up the walls. I want X to feel that he is free to explore other people, but I happen to know that this girl is unbelievably beautiful and an all-around awesome person. In addition, she's not nearly as crazy as me. X has been threatening to break up with me recently, because I've been having even more trouble with emotion regulation as usual, and I'm scared that he will leave me to pursue this other girl. However, the last time he spoke, he seemed extremely emotionally committed to me, and assured me that he wouldn't leave me for this other girl. I don't want to ask him not to hook up with her, because I think that if I do he will just hook up with her anyway, but it is really difficult to just know that it might happen, and I freak out every time I think about it. I wasn't sure where to go for advice (the BPD online support is decidedly negative), so I was wondering what you guys think.

Oh, and as if this couldn't get any more complicated, I'm bisexual and have a pretty big crush on this girl myself.

Then why don't the two of you hook up with her together? Maybe it would feel less threatening to you if you witnessed that it was only physical on everybody's part.

If you become too clingy, or despondent, there is more chance of him becoming more attracted to that other girl, (and that other girl becoming attracted to him - depending on who's your priority. )

Let it unfold by its own, if he's not the right person for you, better know it sooner than later.

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with..."

Now let me ask you, why are you afraid of losing this person? Do you really care for him, or does the thought of anyone leaving you just upset you?

Did you agree to an open relationship because you are really onboard with it, or you just think it will lessen the chances of someone leaving you?


Actually, I'm afraid of losing this person because I genuinely love him, not JUST because of my abandonment issues. I really care for him, and I want him to be happy, and I'm worried that he would be happier if he weren't with me. The open relationship was actually my idea, and I still think that he should feel free to be with other people as long as he comes back to me. I'm just insecure, so I worry that he won't come back. Thanks guys for your advice, it is all spot-on.

Myself being a self-diagnosed aspie and borderline, and possibly having a borderline mother and aspie father(wow it's common), here is my partially incorrect advice:

You need to accept that he might leave you, and that he is as flawed as everyone else. Also, it is good to explain what you are thinking, in an intensely listening way. He likely will need time to respond.

And though I can't offer any solution for this, keep in mind that for almost any borderline, every relationship is going to occasionally be hell for everyone involved.

Do you want to be in an open relationship? This is not totally to do with BPD, open relationship are still in the minority anyway. How do you feel about it as a concept?

OP have you tried telling him how you felt about this I've been diagnosed with BPD in addition to AS suspicion. I've had similar feelings with a girl online years ago about being insecure & stuff. What I really wanted was to have an intimate conversation with her about everything but she didn't seem to listen or care. Communication is a major part of a relationship to me & I think it may be for other borderlines as well. Not having good honest communication could make the difference between the relationship lasting or breaking. I think you should try telling him how you feel, what you want out of the relationship ect & you should really listen to him about what he wants ect. Maybe he's considering getting with her because he does not think you care or that you two could be serious

It doesn't sound like you really like the idea of an open relationship, and if you're just doing it to try and seem laid back and flexible to him, which in my opinion is a bad idea.

I would never ever suggest doing that if you love the person or scared they will leave you.

How come its long distance, is there any way of moving closer?

I don't like the way this sounds. I don't know anything about open relationships because I never had one but all the people on here who talk about them have never said anything about 'he is threatening to break up with me to pursue her'. That sounds more like emotional blackmail. It sounds like now might not be a good time for him to pursue a third party, until you guys work out whether he actually honors the relationship the two of you have. It just sounds like he has all the power and that is unfair.

Hey there. I am the undiagnosed Aspie in question here, and I just wanted to clarify a few things. D and I mutually decided at the very beginning of our relationship that we did not want to be dogmatically monoamorous (monogamous is the wrong word, since we are not married), mostly because we are very free-spirited people who don't want to be dogmatically anything. We are also both very sexual people, not at all embarrassed about our sexuality, and generally willing to share it with others. Neither of us has acted on this freedom independently, though we did have one very enjoyable evening with another couple.

I have not been threatening to break up with D, and I am not using this third party as an escape hatch. The reason that D is aware of this is that we do in fact communicate very well. I have so far done absolutely nothing to pursue the second girl, but it is very clear to me that she is interested. My mother has often told me that a lot of women find me quite attractive, and that I tend to be somewhat oblivious to their flirting. If that's true, then for the flirting to reach a level that's clearly notable to me, then it's very likely for real. I let D know that this was going on not to scare her or threaten her, but because I thought she had a right to know.

As of last night, D asked that I not pursue this girl unless all three of us are involved. I agreed.

It was interesting to read through the replies in this thread and see people reading things into my intentions that D did not state. I think that I'm very, very different from the average man--both in some good ways and some bad ways. Extreme honesty is one of my hallmarks.

Yeah, for serious, it wasn't like I was trying to rope you innocent guys into drama, I was just very confused and wanted a place to vent/get advice. Crhulukitty and I communicate better than most, or so we've been told, but sometimes it is useful to get opinions from third parties.

You need to find someone else to talk to.

The thing is this. These open relationships rarely work out. If you have abandonment issues, sometimes that fear of abandonment thanks to whoever hurt you as a child, will lead you to do things that aren't really good in the long run like playing it cool in hopes the person will want to keep you around. The truth is, it doesn't work that way. While you may be thinking "Hey I'm the cool bi-sexual girl that is totally open and laid back" he's thinking, "I can use this girl as a fall back girl or just someone to mess around with until I find someone better."

This new girl probably does have some issues but it just hasn't come up yet.

So find someone else since you are in an open relationship and both of you determine if you really want to keep it going. It is long distance and if there is no intent on ever meeting or having an actual relationship then what is the point? It sounds like drama that may have not been intended but it's still something that is keeping you on your toes. Maybe you like it but from the way you are typing, it doesn't look that way.

Men will not stay with you because you're bi-sexual nor will you keep someone for being flexible. If you're too flexible, you'll lose someone over it. Bi-sexual women who have open relationships always end up jealous of the other woman but then try to keep it calm by proclaiming their crush and adamantly defending their crush to not dig deeper to the actual root. The root is fear of abandonment and abuse. Next guy you meet, don't pull this open relationship. You'll be used and tossed.

Wow, that was an awful lot of assumptions about people you don't know. I'd never date anyone who would use or toss me, and the person I'm with has more respect for me, and for people in general, to do that to a person. Also, it's true that some girls claim to be bisexual who are not, or with ulterior motives, but I am not one of them. "no intention of meeting", does that mean you think that we haven't met? We see each other as often as we can, and we do, in fact, have an actual relationship. You seem to have this idea that all bi-sexual women are the same. These broad generalizations that you are making do not, in fact, apply in this instance.

Also, my boyfriend is not actually thinking "I can use this girl as a fall back girl or just someone to mess around with until I find someone better". I don't want to put words in his mouth, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't think that. Why be in a relationship for two years, one of them long-distance, exclusively, without pursuing anybody else, driving 6 hours just to see me, if he's just waiting for someone better to come along? That seems awful silly to me, and I don't think I would date someone with that kind of attitude.

Thanks for the advice anyway.