Newb with some things to say to the Romantically Malcontent

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I originally wanted to do this as a reply to a post...but I realized there were too many were what I say below is needed.
so...this is just it..dont feel the need to reply unless you actually want to(!)

Hi, I'm a newbie (obv.)

after reading these posts I have a few things to say to ALL posters here. I felt inclined to do so because, not only do NT people need to hear lots of this, but us AS folks too, since we do have the ability to tip the scales a bit in our favor--I think more so than those who are NT because we're on a different "spectrum". And bare with me, this is all relevant even if it doesnt seem so at first, even if some of you might consider it in a "personal ad" style post to quote one poster. these are things I've learned from experience and trying lots of different approaches--because I really do *care* about my love life. Always have--so I did the work.

Ok. Here we go.

1.) this goes to those few posters who to me, don't seem sympathetic to the AS romantic position at all, and really kinda don't get why these threads are started:
Obviously, people with AS are a bit socially defunct. Even though I am good-looking (no ego, I'm 25 and up until a couple years ago thought I was ugly)
and I have some confidence which I gained by actually instilling it within myself by gaining and honing skills and working on my inner-world over the years (each day is a learning experience and sometimes the same lesson). I can play music for strangers BUT:

I'm STILL socially lame (not as much as time goes on) when it comes to gals and new people period. My few close (close!) friends love me, I can make them laugh...when I'm not "stuck". You might know what I mean by that.

I took 2+ years off from dating to sorta chronicle my dating foibles and what I learned in general in a book "Maybe we're just not that into EACH OTHER (75+ things about romance no one wants to hear)"-which I hope to get published soon. It started out as me pontificating and trying to lecture people angrily and whining about my dating misfortunes..and after taking suggestion from a therapist I found my love, second only to "the arts"--comedy and she calmed me down a bit and made it something I actually enjoyed writing and people who have read the manuscript said, they enjoyed reading.

it's not a switch you can flip. Some guys really just aren't good at it and they'll only ever be just ok at it even with practice--Aspies, imo make up 80% of these guys. I used to be--and by that I mean that I totally just used lines that my silly friends told me to use when I was in high school. Typically I got lots of numbers but the relationships that blossomed (rarely did they due to who I *am*) generally it didn't work. And typically all of my relationships that were of any sort of quality started from gals I never considered for various reasons (they were friends whom I thought I usually didn't have a snowballs chance in hell with or it started very tumultuously). The "courting system"--our pre-choreographed dance of misery--its not geared for us finding love. Anyone, NT or AS, Period. I realized this after I got into being honest with myself while writing the book (which, like I said, became a honest humor-filled journey--also part of my journey--loving comedy, learning to almost have a dark sense of humor that allowed me to laugh at how crappy things were in my life , and life period and letting it shape my life a bit, some).

We have some rules and--"moves" that directly counteract most people finding love.

2.) Ladies...I assure you, if you approach a guy and he isn't a complete douche, even if he's shy, if you actually seem to be attracted to him (!) you know what to do.
be patient and pretend he's like a scared stray cat or dog (haha). Also, smiling is not going to help by itself. I personally can't read the cue cards that apparently hang in mid-air when I'm out at the pharmacy or walking to the dollar store or whatever I may be doing that I seem so focused on (mostly I'm controlling my anxiety) . SOMETIMES I even think that that gal is smiling because she's thinking about how odd I look, and how awkward I am (a guy walking around in geta sandals?)

I bet you, though. If a gal came up to me and said, "hey I dig your sandals...what are those called?" and seemed genuinely interested I could converse with her until she showed she wasn't JUST interested in them and I got the full inkling she wasn't patronizing me for her own entertainment (it's happened to lots of us, hasn't it?)--lets translate that to a general way you can get almost any guy to let his guard down. And when you do that--its really easy for him to think you like him if you ASK for his phone number or email or something. Bravery accounts for lots of stuff along with genuineness.

lets be honest to ourselves also, that some shy guys and shy girls will need time. They won't reject you, as much as flack you. If you've been rejected a lot and have been alone due to your low personability you get a bit more sensitive than even normal. We have a good idea of when being rejected. nervousness is apparent, though. Rigidity is different than a relaxed sort of "ehh..not so interested but I'll be nice." At least with most people...I know sarcasm is the default persona of most folks..and honestly those people to me are usually not people I want to be with--those who hide under that veil.

As far as nervousness...I honestly think lots of people though are turned off by this--thats the problem. the "First Impressions are Everything" adage can F*** with a person's head. trust me. Caring about the results so much can make it worse.

3.) Yeah, lots of guys and gals are totally deluded and think God or whatever deity or chance will drop those people into their laps. I'm one of them...because trying sure as hell hasn't yielded anything (due to factors I'm mentioning). But faith is really something that keeps me from going completely bitter.

Rejection from both ends (people that I knew didn't get "it" or me or would even be able to cope with how I am on the long-term--or gals that simply didn't want to, period).
What do you expect? We've got Asperger's...isn't that why we're here letting down our armor in front of each other. Gimme a break.

And the down-talking to your fellow Aspies by the aforementioned...bad form. if you really want to educate guys with what you learned about the "dating dance" or having confidence try a tactful more
compassionate approach..because all you're doing is making people even more filled with malcontentedness. Just tightening up that screw by saying "yeah...well it's your own damned fault"
Real nice. Real productive. You forgot how it used to feel that easily huh? Like a rich man who forgot how it was to eat beans every night for dinner, hey?

4.) Here's the thing...we are WEIRD (by the contemporary standard). Wonderfully weird, brilliant, focused, beautifully flawed (not all in those orders and maybe not all at once lol). I believe there are gals and guys out there who would totally see it and get past the human foibles if we let them, and if they'd let us show them it. The trick is, there really isnt that many of them out there. They watch too much reality tv and romcoms to have realistic expectations for how humans are, period,let alone someone with social deficiencies from a condition--they've also built up this facade of themselves from "doing the dance" so often that they got it down--that they are entitled! They want people who will do their dance with them without missing a step.

My advice to everyone here: SCREW THEM. I know how it feels when people say "its their loss" because you feel like it's yours too. But you don't lose when you admit to yourself you weren't playing the game they were from the get-go. Savvy? I dunno if that makes sense to anyone else--er..think of it like when/if someone tells you you're not on "their level"...we're not even in the same damned building with the same pre-packaged, sterile post-modern furniture (no offense to people who dig that sorta stuff).

My advice to my fellow male Aspies...build up your confidence by doing things that will do so. And yes, it does mean getting out a little bit. I dont mean go hit on girls. Just get out a little bit testing your boundaries more and more (the exposure thing has been working for me) or pick up a skill set that makes you feel good about yourself...it'll bleed out into other arenas of your life to the point that you'll start to feel like more--BECAUSE YOU ARE! and you'll have an easier time talking to strangers.. I do.

I don't think I'll ever be Don Juan in a sense, mostly because that guy was just a contrived bastard spouting poetry anyhow, and people who are just that: fakes! but us coming from this angle I think is how it's supposed to be.

We're being taught appreciation and authenticity OUT OF NECESSITY! we're going to find what we're looking for if we just keep it up and continue to not settle for just doing that pre-choreographed dance but dancing to the tune of our own didgeridoos. Savvy?

My advice to my sister Aspies:

Approach guys and be super-you. Even NT guys dig chicks who are authentic and not like the rest.
@ Chronos...for real, for real, I've been looking for a girl who hoards cats. Not hitting on you, just saying: A "cat woman" is a person to me who has lots of affection to give, loves animals (and particularly I get along better with cat people--I am one--not saying you are, yourself, just saying), and typically is eccentric. Those are awesome traits to me and plenty of guys AS or NT!

The truth is, we have to make this Asperger's thing work for us..and not fight against it to do so. We're eccentric souls. Just "be the ball".

5.) On looks and as far as what user GQaspie said in one thread which resonated with me (and his handle should be a little indication to everyone--the tools are out there for us to use) we can look good but still be our odd selves with no pretense. Just upgrade. Like I said I have a authentic style. I dig Anime and Japanese culture (I'm even learning Japanese--which has also given me some more of a boost), however I do not market myself as a "Anime-obsessed 'Otaku'", I market myself as a guy who's into that stuff (One of the best pieces of advice from a style magazine I EVER got--show what you're into, -not display- it with your style, it was way better than "wear this type of pants, shirts, you should have 5 blazers blah blah blah")--when the girl enters my life, she'll learn about my mild-obsession with it soon enough, she doesnt have to know it automatically--unless she asks what I like to do in my spare time. by me having a bunch of plushie keychains on a courier bag displaying a magical girl (though I do sport one Domo-kun keychain [hail the NHK!]--but that's different). We also have to consider what's important to know about someone initially and to ourselves--so, if that IS then by all means, continue to stay that way. I'd just suggest that you refine yourself. Like I said, upgrade. Sharpen the Katana.

we obviously want some sort of mutual attraction with the people we want to date. No doubt, some guys like higher maintenance--I really think that's lame. but if you like guys who are into that...you already know what I'm about to say. And really I wish I didn't have to. I wish we all had realistic and humble standards--but thats not how things work.

We have the ability to change our lives one step at a time. I think--I believe we've got gifts and perspective that are sooo useful to society and we'd make great lovers, husbands, wives, and parents. Its a slow process, for real, for real (!). I'm still on my way to be honest..but these things are working for me in many arenas of my inner-landscape and becoming manners in which I'm more equipped to modify my external one.

You have lots of good points . But one thing I think would help besides telling people to just be themselves (which is true/how I got my friends) is a list of things (particularly for AS guys) never to do with a girl you just met... reason I say this is I've been around a few guys (AS, NT & other) who've said stuff to me that made me extremely uncomfortable.

One user said, and I forget their handle, that you should be in the mindframe that there are kids in the room or something like that, haha.
I was like "YEAH! That's what's good."

so I'd say to keep it "kosher", so to speak. Also, I forget the term...but there are things that really, even though they are important in the scheme of a budding relationship, upon first meet are -not- to be shared for the sake of not -over-sharing. Things like your visits to any psychiatric hospitals, for example. They will come up when they should.

Rule of thumb to me is is it important right now to say? It's not a lie of omitance when it's not even something relevant...I know I used to worry about that a lot and instead killed my chances of anyone even wanting to get to know who I was "aside from the neurological grime that covers me in intervals".

I hope that helps.

Have large groups of friends. Someone in that group will want to date you and not care if you're AS.

not sure if that's such *great* advice...

get lots of friends so that maybe you could find one person who might date you?
lets think about just why that might be a horrible idea.

1) having friends is difficult, period, nowadays let alone with people who have a purely social disease.

2) getting tons (or as you said "large groups") of friends for this end, I wouldn't put past the fates conspiring.

-however- though I've had good luck with this. it was never a 'tactic'.

3) I'm pretty sure people will figure it out soon enough and feel used (NT people are pretty good at reading AS people--or should I say, lots of times we suck at "playing the games" everyone else does in daily life, with ease)

4) having a bunch of friends helps, but in the long run, if you aren't intimate with them (real friendships) this will be to your detriment. This is rarely ever gained by such ulterior motives. period. and yes, let alone for people with a majorly social disease.

am I wrong..? I'm curious about anyone else's take on this.

I'm not suggesting that you be friends JUST to get girls. I'm saying having friends is the best way I know to eventually get introduced to people you might date.

wordification.

To me "weird" has always been used towards me as a put down. I snap pretty quickly when people pull out the "w" word on me.

What's the different between being crazy and eccentric?

If you are loony and poor, then you're crazy.

If you are loony and rich, then you're eccentric.

Usually it means you're at least stable enough to make your own fortune.

That was some well thought out stuff OP. It will take a bit of time & a reread to mull it over but I cant really think of anything rite now that I disagreed with. That book sounds like it could be a good read; when it gets published maybe you could do some kind of special deal/discount for the members here

In response to this poll question I would prefer to be called Weird; I get called Weird sometimes(or lots of times) & I don't think I've even been called Eccentric. When I hear the word Eccentric I tend to think of someone who is kind of like an evil genius & dangerous like the Riddler on BatMan. When I hear Weird I tend to think of someone who's different/unusual & kind of awkward compared with the norm like "Weird Al" Yankovic or something

Very nicely put *claps*

Even though i already have a girlfriend, it still sounds like something i might be interested in buying. Give some more perspective to the relationship, etc.