Is "You'll find love one day" BS?

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At least my case is fairly simple.
I don't go out and meet new people.

Shadowbound -- It will happen, I promise you, but you have to do your part.

Please don't take the below as criticism, but rather helpful advice -- I too was in your situation (albeit at a younger age) and know how hopeless it sounds.

First thing -- have you had your testosterone tested? I did, and went on therapy after I came up low-normal. After getting on therapy (which is remarkably cheap), many of the mental issues that plagued me, including anxiety, diminished. I ask this because your picture seems rather low-testosterone -- you on a bed with a teddy bear. If this truly reflects how you spend your time, moping and hiding (just as I did) rather than going out there to meet people and putting your best foot forward, you really need to fix this before anything else.

Secondly -- I've said this many times before, but dating/finding someone is just a numbers game, in which the odds can be sweetened by improving some aspects of yourself. This doesn't mean change your personality, or being someone you really aren't, but you do need to figure out a way to get more peer and social contact. Make it your mission to meet a lot more people. They don't have to become your friends, but get out there, get known, and you will run into the right people eventually.

Not everyone, or even most people, are going to like you -- this is normal. But you won't find those people who do like you without risking something, getting out there.

I was just like you in my teens, esp. late teens -- low self-confidence, lonely, social anxiety, trust issues, and if anything, I got used a lot by women and treated pretty badly. This is normal for teen guys who don't have confidence.

You, on the other hand, are now in prime marrying age, and will be for the rest of your life. If you have a good job, aren't a criminal or an addict, and show promise, women will find you. If you aren't in this zone yet, GET THERE. Do what it takes to make yourself an attractive man.

Nonono, its not BS.

"You'll find love one day", is perfectly truthfull. In fact, you may find love soon, you'll see that special girl that looks at you, she comes over to talk to you, you work together on a project (for school or work) and then one day, you'll fall in love - and then she mentions her boyfriend.

See? It happened to me! EVERYONE can find love (...and then have their heart smashed to bits).

It can happen when you least expect it, I know this to be true.

I don't think so.

It's BS until you do, and then it isn't. But then it wasn't BS. So it's only BS if you never do.

Agreed , seems to happen this way so many times

Okay. So in 29 months, I will suddenly want a girlfriend?

Weird.

You forgot the rest of the story, for those of us who did have a happy ending.

You talk to the girl, become her friend or acquaintance, stay in her mind, and then when she dumps/gets dumped by said boyfriend, you're on the short list of candidates to be the next boyfriend.

Way too many guys write off girls with boyfriends as if they are permanently out of the market -- nothing could be farther from the truth. Most women that are worth it will have a boyfriend at any given time -- why wouldn't they? The mistake guys make is to leave a bad impression by instantly losing interest when they hear about the boyfriend. These guys (and I was one of them) turn what should have been a good, long-term investment in a friendship/possible future relationship into yet another failure, and at the same time demonstrate to the girl that they aren't into her as a person, only as a prospect. I know that guys here will protest and say "I just wanted to show that I'm not the kind of scum that would hit on a girl who was already involved!" but women don't read it that way. Instead, they scratch you off of the list.

That being said, there's a fine line to walk between being a friend and being friended. Don't give girls like that too much of your time until they are ready to move towards a relationship with you -- don't get used, don't be the "shoulder to cry on" all the time. Be firm, be nice, be strong, and maybe be her next boyfriend.

And then you wrestle a bear and win.
Only that could make this story more awesome.

It is a well known phenomenon called "The friendship trap" and i've been in it a couple of times. And you get tired of hearing the same sob story over and over again.

But it's not necessarily guaranteed. There are things that need to be done so as avoid falling in the friends zone with that person. It's not quite as automatic as that. Aspies don't always have the social skills to get into a dating situation that way. Of course, you can improve them, but it's still not as simple simple as your above post suggests.

Yes, I've been there too. Know how you end up in the friendship trap? You take whatever crap the girl gives you, and smile. You don't push back, you don't assert your rights, you make yourself way too available, and don't put a value on your time. That's why the girl sees you as a chump who isn't worth a relationship, just as a means to an end.

It doesn't have to be that way. Lots of guys don't end up there, and still end up with the girl later on. Those are guys with self respect who value their time and can say "no" when they need to.

How do I tell the difference between being a friend & being friended Lots of my women friends run to me for emotional support to complain about their jerk of a BF & when they are single those women do not like me in "that way" but they tell me how they wish their BFs wer like me. It's very frustrating Women never give me a chance

Dear OP,
Accepting "You'll find love some-day" I see as equivalent to having hope (for anything you care to name). I think it's an encouragement to have hope.

I'm not sure to what extent you believe that your state of mind determines your state of body (I think it's one of the factors which allow us to shape the reality we find ourselves in), but I'd consider it like that. Of course, you could also look at the statement from the view of the speaker, who perhaps likes hopeful people around them and is encouraging you to their own end of having (at least superficially) happier friends. People seem to enjoy happiness/happy environments (and friends, oddly).

Maybe Sarah Connor was right? (No fate but what we make... or was that her guy-friend?)
I like the idea of having Testosterone tests... doing stuff that you are comfy with to alter your mind and/or reality.

Here's a short list of stock platitudes for ya'! (they're a dime a dozen, but not being from the US I have no dimes, thus less than a dozen)
-If you do nothing, nothing will happen
-Rome wasn't built in a day (nor anything built by govt. labor for that matter)
-Pending para un bending (all right, that's nonsense, but I like threes)

My heart tells me to either accept the situation I am in or change it; I think yours does too. I am in a similar situation to you (single and somehow not wanting to be) and I feel I have either the choice to chase love or to learn to live without it. I am pursuing learning to live without and to that ending figuring the 'whys' of my want.

Someone mentioned prostitutes.... I've tried and I don't recommend: crossing the emotional gulf to love is as difficult as navigating the physical one to comfortable intimacy with a stranger (for me, anyway).

I was meant to have a point...
*think think*

There is no right answer. You might take a test, join a club/group/militant wing and meet yon faire maiden. Or you might not. Pain statisticians everywhere and imply some probabilities into your life.
Or don't! Maybe just feel great that you've got a choice. Love's no battlefield, it's a frikin' war-zone in corpse city. Beware and bring the biggest f-off size gun you can lug.

Somewhere around that time, dude. It won't all of a sudden happen when the clock hits 12:00 AM and you turned 18. And it will also be more gradual than immediate.

Last edited by MrDiamondMind on 02 Jun 2010, 5:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.