I Gave A Girl The “Syndrome"

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The Cassandra “syndrome”. And I was never even in a relationship with her. For those who don’t know, the Cassandra “syndrome” is something that happens to an NT who’s partner has AS, and is characterized as having experienced moral distress due to the AS partner.

She was someone I met in college and I really liked her, and I could tell that she really liked me. After a few days of flirting with each other I could kind of tell that she was waiting for me to “ask her out”, but I didn’t (and still don’t) know how to do that. Eventually she started getting frustrated and she even started talking to another boy who sat right next to me. I’m sure she did that to make me jealous and force me to talk more to her, but that didn’t work. (After the flirting session ends it’s really hard for me to just talk to someone, and move into mentioning some sort of meet up.) For over a month she continued being frustrated with me but also tried new things to make me talk, which never ended up working (I could only talk about class-related stuff). I was confused by the end if she even did like me because of how she talked to that other prick. Then the semester ended.

Next semester I saw her walking nearby and she was giving me a very familiar look. It’s the look my mother gave me when she was very confused and distressed due to my behavior. The look that says “what am I gonna do with you / how can I get through to you / are you at all capable of love.” It was then that I confirmed that she really did love me because the only other person who ever looked at me like that was my mother! But my mother’s Cassandra “syndrome” was understandable - she lived with me my entire life. But this girl was never even in a relationship with me, so how is that possible? Why didn’t she just lose interest in me when she noticed how emotionally/socially stunted I am? Is it possible to give someone the Cassandra “syndrome” when you’ve never even been in a relationship with them?

The syndrome that's killing /b/.

thats a bogus syndrome

Well, if she was so perturbed, she could've could've asked you out. So she's at least half responsible for her own 'Cassandra syndrome' BS.

Having stress from an AS/NT relationship is no different than having it from an NT/NT relationship. If the Cassandra Syndrome is real, then NT's must give it to each other all the time. Labeling it as different for AS people is ignorant at best and insulting as worst.

I wouldn't worry about it too much... as Apple said, she could have just asked you out herself.

Now if only there was a woman that did that to me lol...

OP, I don't know jack about "Cassandra Syndrome" - so I can't speak to that. However, I think I can shed some light on what's going on with this girl.

From her perspective, she probably thought you were playing some heavy-duty mind games with her. As you stated, you both got along well, flirted with each other, and communicated well enough that you realized she would have welcomed an invitation to date. But you never extended that invitation.

You know you didn't extend that invitation because you just don't know how to do that. But she has no clue as to why you didn't ask her out. She probably wracked her brain trying to figure out what was going on: did she completely misread you; did she completely misunderstand your intentions; instead of the nice guy you seemed to be, were you just trying to mess with her; did you not like her romantically; are you gay....the possibilities are endless. All she knows is that she liked you, she thought you liked her, she gave you "the signal" to ask her out, and you never did. To top that, you didn't blow her off, and maybe you didn't really act any differently toward her in class....you just didn't ask her out.

So she's left wondering, with a lot of doubts about you, about herself, about why you treated her the way you did - its not a good position to be in. If you really care about her, I think you owe her an explanation. Clearly, you understood that she was frustrated, you understood that she was making all kinds of efforts to engage you - and you chose not to tell her what was going on. That kinda sucks, OP. Even if you couldn't find a way to speak to her about it, maybe you could have written her a note. So, I think you need to figure out why you chose not to tell her what the problem was (knowing that would have at least provided her with a context to understand your behavior). I encourage you to do that soul searching prior to talking to her (if you choose to do that), so that you can take responsibility for your own behavior.

Also, I encourage you not to assume that this girl loves you. I understand that you're associating the look she gave you with the look your mother has given you, but the commonality of that look does not equal love.

wow, I have AS and an NT who I've liked intensely for the last year and a half gave me 'the cassandra syndrome' in the same way you gave it to that girl. I have been forever frustrated with him :/ I don't think it's limited to aspies giving it to NTs

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What about an Aspie who is very laid back and has overcome a lot of their AS-related issues, in a relationship with an Aspie who has it more severely?

uh...I think it might hurt the first aspie who is more laid back.

As people get "Cassandra" in the course of relationships with other aspies. It's not an NT disease. (Rudy Simone is my source for that.)

The crux of it seems to be the "walking on eggshells" that you have to do for people who haven't really taken the diagnosis on board.

A lot of women get high cortisol levels who are not in relationships with AS men. To blame Fibromyalgia on AS men is ridiculous.

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